Thursday 8 May 2014

Gentle is the Language of God

Gentle is the Language of God

Last month I found that I was in a lot of resistance to feeling God's Truth about anything.  I could feel this resistance in my body, in the way my body was operating – lots more stiffness, constipation and general blocks within my body.  When I get like this I pray constantly to overcome the resistance that I have to feeling the blocks. Sometimes I am able to break through the resistance easily and soften into the emotions.

Not this time!  This time the resistance was HUGE!

I was fortunate enough to secure an appointment with an old friend who is a Kinesologist. Daniel was able to help me break through some of this resistance in a very loving way.  During the session he received a message – Gentle is the Language of God. My guides confirmed this. 

I prayed about this a lot and felt into the truth of it.  Resistance began to crumble and in less than 24 hours I was able to break through the resistance and step into humility and I received many realizations over a four or five hour period, which I feel came from my guide - Peter. I would like to share these with you here.

I have included my own comments or thoughts in brackets and in italics. 

This was received on the 16th of April 2014

                                               ………………………………

(My prayer was - how do I break through this resistance – what do I need to do?)

HUMILITY is the key – if I am I being truly humble I will …
Ø  TRUST.  If I trust I will …
Ø  ACT. (this was what I was avoiding – taking action, I didn't want to feel my anger!). When I act in harmony with Love I receive…
Ø  TRUTH. When Truth is allowed to permeate with my soul I receive …
Ø  LOVE. It is Love that will change my soul by healing my errors and bringing peace.

Gentle is the Language of God.

(How can I gently sink into Humility whilst honouring my soul?)

      RESISTANCE blocks the flow of truth and allows …
Ø  FEAR to control.  Do I want to be controlled?  Why?  Why not? FEAR leads to …
Ø  AVOIDANCE of my real self.  Do I really want to know the real me?  AVOIDANCE  leads to …
Ø  PAIN – physical, emotional and psychological. In this space I am NOT being gentle with myself.  Why do I want to hold onto pain?  PAIN in turn leads to …
Ø  FEAR which leads to …
Ø  RESISTANCE which blocks the flow of truth and love.  It is a cycle which, if allowed, will repeat itself until I allow…

It takes HUMILITY + TRUST + ACTION to break down the brick wall of RESISTANCE.

When the brick wall begins to crumble more light will come in.

LIGHT = LOVE.

Gentle is the Language of God.

HUMILITY = TRUST and will lead to ACTION

ACTION will lead to HUMILITY + TRUST + TRUTH + LOVE.

LOVE will lead to HEALING + PEACE + JOY + MORE LOVE.

LOVE feeds itself.  LOVE is the only food that Love needs.

Gentle is the Language of God

Learn to step into Humility GENTLY
Learn to Trust GENTLY.
Take Action GENTLY.
Truth will always flow GENTLY.
Love will always heal GENTLY.

Gentle is the key to progress.  Learn to

LOVE yourself gently.
SPEAK about yourself (internally) and others gently.
WALK in the world gently.
EAT gently – choose only loving foods.
INTERACT with yourself, others and God gently.

GENTLE = LOVE
LOVE = GENTLE.

If what you are doing does not FEEL gentle it is out of harmony with Love.

GENTLE = LOVE.

Gentle is the Language of God

Resistance is NOT gentle – resistance is hard and harsh. Let go of resistance and soften into feeling the fear that lies beneath it.

Fear I s NOT gentle.  Fear destroys. Step into fear so that it might be released. Holding onto fear creates pain and discomfort.

Anger is NOT gentle. Holding onto anger is destructive.  Anger is begging to be released.  Just like fire, anger, when released in a loving way, can be helpful. But when we hold onto anger it is like a wildfire that is totally out of control and very destructive.  Release the anger so it can be harnessed into something positive.

Gentle is the Language of God

If we want to communicate with God we must learn to be gentle in every aspect of our lives 100% of the time.

Gentle is the Language of God.

Gentle = Love
Gentle = Soft
Gentle = Trust
Gentle = Humility
Gentle = Truth.

Gentle is the Language of God.

When I allow fear to control I am avoiding personal responsibility.  I am allowing others to direct my life so that I do not have to make decisions for myself.

I want others to make decisions for me because in the past I got into severe trouble for making my own decisions - for following my desires. I go into trouble for making my own decisions because my decisions created fear in others.

They did not want to feel their fear.  They did not want to be humble. They did not want to trust God.  Instead, they punished me for following my desires.  They punished me for making decisions. They punished me for being the real me.

They did not want to feel their fear so instead, they instilled fear in me.  And they have used fear to control me most of my life!

AND I ALLOWED IT!!!

Because of this, I have not yet lived the life that my soul truly desires.

Am I going to allow this to continue?

The ONLY way to change this is to step into HUMILITY and TRUST that God is holding me in this space and I must TAKE ACTION to feel and release Anger and Fear and allow God's TRUTH and LOVE to heal my broken soul.

I must be HUMBLE enough to TRUST and ACT before TRUTH and LOVE can heal.

Gentle is the Language of God.



Love's only food is Love and Love has a voracious appetite.

                        .....................

Monday 14 April 2014

Emotional Processing and Finding your Soulmate.

A friend recently asked me to send her the four key indicators that I use when processing emotions to check if I are in truth and processing my own stuff.  These are the points that my guides have given me and I have found them to be extremely helpful and 100% accurate 100% of the time. I thought they might also be helpful to you in your own emotional work and progress towards God.
  1.  Deep diaphragmatic breathing.  I have found when I do this, if it is my emotion the deep breathing will take me deeper into the emotion.  If it doesn't then I am either crying about the effects or I am being used by spirits.  Either way I stop processing and pray to God about the blocks to fully feeling the emotion.  If I am being truly humble I am able to connect again to the real emotion, if not I just stop the processing and do something else.  But I continue to pray about the blocks until I am able to really get into the emotion at a later time.
  2. Flow.  by this I mean that the emotion flows freely.  I don’t have to think about it and there is a lot of tears and a lot of snot – I use a lot of tissues/hankies etc.  The grief is heart wrenching and deep.
  3. Truth. If I am truly in a causal emotion I will always receive new realizations about my life and will often receive insights into what the causal emotion is. If I am being truly humble and open to God’s truth and love this is ALWAYS the case.  If it isn't then I am most likely crying about effects and I pray about the blocks to truth.
  4. The fourth indicator is Love – Divine Love. If I am getting to a causal emotion it is because the above three indicators are in play and I will always receive Love in this process.  Sometimes it is only a small amount – most times it will be very overwhelming.  I have found that this is usually determined by the level of resistance that I have to knowing the truth. If it is only a small amount I continually pray to overcome the resistance that I have to feeling the whole truth and ask God to teach me to be truly humble.  I always pray to God to help me to stay with the emotion until it is complete.
The first three indicators need to be in play before the fourth one can be felt and I have found that sincere, heartfelt prayer is always helpful.

My friend also asked my assistance with working her way through the emotions which block our knowledge of who our soulmate is. 

About twelve months ago (maybe a little more) I went through this process.  It took over twelve months of sincere longing and prayer. And it took a LOT of courage. But the sense of relief when I finally came to see God's truth was overwhelming.  Knowing this truth now does not necessarily make my relationship with my soulmate any easier.  In fact, sometimes it makes it harder because he does not yet want to know this truth for himself (even though we live together). And he does not yet want to engage in a true soulmate relationship (there are still many addictions at play in our relationship which I am slowly attempting to address). 
This is what I have found to be true while working through my soulmate emotions. 

You will not be able to access God’s truth while ever you try to work out who your soulmate is in your head.  It must be a soul-based feeling. 

Forget about the things that you see that you and the person you think might be your soulmate have in common, especially the intellectual stuff.  The key is to feel what your true soul desires are.  There will be something that you and your soulmate have in common that will link you together. 

It will be a deep core desire, the reason why God created your complete soul. It will be what makes your soul unique.

Keep in mind that one or both of you may not yet have activated this part of your soul so it will not be at all helpful to reason it out – you must FEEL this truth.  For me, this process brought up a LOT of fear about stepping into my true soul’s desires and it has, and continues to bring up a lot of unworthiness whenever I am brave enough to activate even a small portion of this desire.  I am learning that unworthiness is what prevents the activation of the core soul desires and this must be worked through before you can step into these desires.
When you are feeling into who your soulmate might be it will be extremely helpful if you could focus on a few key indicators for each person you think could potentially be your soulmate.
  1. Who is the person really – what does the real them feel like? (don’t focus on intellectual stuff – try to feel the soul of the person – the real them).  I found it extremely helpful to pray to God about this often until I got the answer.
  2. Does this person feel like me? In other words, how does this person fit with me? Do they compliment me?
Try to let go of any preconceived ideas you might have about who your soulmate is and ask God to help you feel the truth.  If you do this with a sincere heart all the way through the process you will get the answer.  But you have to be prepared for it to be totally unexpected and be willing to go through the process in faith and without judgement.

Be prepared to receive a LOT of spirit interference throughout this process.

There are groups of spirits in the spirit world who do not want us to find our soulmates. This is possibly because they don't believe in soulmates or they believe that they do not have a soulmate so are jealous of the soulmate relationship.  When I was working through this process I found that the closer I became to being sure of who my soulmate is, the more interference I received.  Because I was (and still am) carrying a LOT of unworthiness about being loved by my soulmate it was easy for malevolent spirits to influence me.  This made the process much harder and it required a lot of faith, perseverance and trust in God and in myself.  

At these times, when I felt under a lot of spirit attack, I would often stop and talk to the spirits with me about soulmates and how God had designed each and every soul to have a soulmate who was the perfect other half of them.  And I would encourage them to seek their soulmate and reassure them that they too were deserving of this kind of love. I would always ask for celestial assistance, both for myself and for the spirits with me. I found that this helped both me and the spirits with me.

Throughout this process I had to learn to trust my own feelings.  

I had to learn to feel myself.

Eventually, with God's assistance, I got to the point where knowing the truth about my soulmate became the most important thing to me.  I felt that if I truly loved my husband (who I believed was my soulmate) I owed it to him to know the truth.  The absolute truth. 

I found this process confusing, challenging, confronting, frightening and at times terrifying. 

I had to become determined, humble, trusting, loving.

I had to let go of doubt and unworthiness.

I had to have FAITH.

As difficult as this process was, it has been the most rewarding part of my journey towards God and Love so far.

I wish you well on your journey towards God, Love and your soulmate.

You can learn more about soulmates here






Thursday 3 April 2014

Walking in Community – Baby Steps

Walking in Community – Baby Steps

About ten years ago I stepped back from an active role within several community organizations.  I was burnt out.  I had been volunteering for all the wrong reasons – recognition, glory, acknowledgement, acceptance etc. My health was suffering and I needed to focus on me and family stuff.  Actually, it would probably be more accurate to say that I needed to focus on family stuff and me.  At that point in my life I was struggling with any sense of self.  I was totally overwhelmed with everything that was happening in my life and I was tired. Very tired. So I stepped out of all but one voluntary role (and that was a minor role anyway) and began focusing on what was important to me – learning to put me first.  A difficult road indeed!

About five years later I met AJ Miller, a man who claims to be Jesus of Nazareth, reincarnated to re-teach the great Truths that he brought to the world in the first century. His teachings have totally changed my life – for the better.  Gradually, as I began to tentatively put his teachings in to practice, I began to see subtle changes within myself.  I began to love myself a little more.  I began to trust myself a little more.   I began to trust God a LOT more.

With each error, or part thereof, that has been released from my soul a greater confidence has been creeping in. Gradually more joy is becoming a part of my life.  I have slowly been unlocking the hidden parts of myself which had been shut down as a child because these parts of me were too confronting for the adults in my world. Now, I have a growing certainty about why I am here and what my true passions are.  Little by little my real self is being revealed and I am ever so grateful to God for His guidance and unfailing support.

Over the past few months I have been studying and plan to launch a new business by the middle of this year.  I feel really good about this.  I am excited about this.  I can't wait to get going!  But the past couple of weeks this has all been put on hold for a brief period as I begin to step back into community.  A few weeks ago I was approached by a friend to join a Community organization which was (still is) in turmoil. Then I was asked to run for the position of vice-president of this organization and another friend convinced me to come on board.

My initial reaction was – "I'm not ready for this!" "I don't think I will be strong enough to stand firm for Love and Truth". "I don't know enough yet!"

In short – FEAR!

I prayed a lot about this and felt into it as best I could.  I recognized fear and decided to step into it and trust God.  I'm really glad that I did! 

I have learnt so much about myself in the past couple of weeks as a result of this and God has shown me more of my real self in the process.  I found myself remaining calm in difficult situations.  I found myself having the courage to call other members on their unloving behaviour – especially on projections of anger. And I found these people responding positively to this.  To say that I was surprised was an understatement.  Suddenly I am noticing that people, many of whom I hardly know or have met for the first time, are wanting to hear what I have to say and respecting my comments and suggestions.  Some are actively seeking out my opinions and council. I felt valued even in a difficult situation. This is new to me.

As I reflected and prayed at the end of each day I could see how things could have been done differently, in a more loving or truthful way.  I have been triggered big time in lots of different ways.  It has been so much easier to step into challenging or difficult situations with God walking firmly by my side, holding my hand.  Fear did not dominate.  Love did. And I am coming to realize that I love living this way – with God by my side and fear beneath my feet!

My passion for community has been reignited and I am ready to fight the good fight, firmly grounded in truth and love.  I know I will still make mistakes along the way.  I will no doubt miss opportunities to speak truth or to act in an unconditionally loving way (towards others and myself). But I am realizing that that really doesn't matter.  The only thing that matters is that I trust God and step into passion without letting fear dictate my actions (or not!).

This is a good place to be.  A really good place to be.



Sunday 16 March 2014

Little Glimpses of Joy

Little Glimpses of Joy 

 It seems to me that the past fifteen years or so my life has been in chaos! At times, absolute chaos!!! Everything was difficult. Everything was a challenge. Life seemed to be constantly being propelled from one disaster or emergency to another, and we seemed to always be in the middle of it! Tragic deaths of close family members; serious illnesses of close family members; business disasters that seemed to go from one crises to another.

 For a while life was like a vortex spinning out of control and we just had to be carried along with it. Most of this I had no control over. Except for the business stuff, I had no part in its creation – well, that's what I believed at the time anyway. At times it was difficult to sleep. At times it was difficult to breathe. Most of the time it was difficult to get out of bed and face the day because I was afraid to see what disaster would greet me.  This seems a bit dramatic but if I were to just list the things that were happening in my life simultaneously during this time, no one would believe me. Even the people who watched and supported us through all this could not comprehend how one family could be hit with so many seemingly negative events one after another.

 I now know that this was our Law of Attraction – MY Law of Attraction ramping up to get me to look at the errors in my soul, that part of me that was out of harmony with Love and Truth and God's ultimate plan for me. This is the clearest way that God has of communicating with each of Her children to let us know if we are on track and in harmony with God's Love and Truth or if our life needs some adjusting. My life needed a LOT of adjusting!!!

 I have always had a connection to God – well, for as long as I can remember anyway. God has always been a staple part of my life and I consulted Him regularly, especially when things were not going so well (which was most of the time anyway). And I consulted Him when things were going well too! Any time spent in nature, at the beach or in the rain forest, or simply sitting on our veranda was spent with God.

 Looking back I can see the times when I turned to God in total despair and God revealed my errors to me and in the release of these errors His Love flowed into me. I remember these times clearly now. I just didn't understand what was really happening and how to replicate the reception of God's Love. Or how the reception of His Love could and would change my life for the better.

 Slowly, through trial and error, God showed me the way and my path eventually led me to AJ Miller. AJ claims to be the reincarnation of Jesus of Nazareth and I feel this to be true. The first time I watched his introductory DVD – The Secrets of the Universe, I felt this to be true. In shock and disbelief I watched as he spoke of truths of the universe that had not yet been understood or acknowledged by mankind on earth. Something about this presentation opened a door in my soul – and opened it wide! I became a follower of AJ's teachings and began to apply them in my life.

 As I slowly released errors from my soul, little pieces of the real me became revealed, in all of my injuries and sadness; my anger and rage; my shame and guilt; my fear and terror. Slowly but surely each of these errors has begun to be exposed and with God's Grace and guidance I have been walking a somewhat winding, and at times treacherous path back to God – to my real parent – and to myself!

 It seems to me that in the past fifteen years or so I have not really been living life – I have been existing. Too often I have been existing for the approval of others in the hope that I might gain their love, something that I desperately craved. And in the process I have been selling off little pieces of my soul. I too often forgot that God's Love was all that I needed to sustain me (Matthew 6 25-30), too often I still forget this truth! But as my soul has slowly been opening up to God's Truth and Love over the past four and a half years and little pieces of my soul have been restored. Bit by bit, one tiny piece at a time, my pristine soul is slowly being revealed and joy is beginning to return. It feels like it has been a long time since joy has been the driving factor in my life. In fact I could honestly say that this is the first time in my life that I am consciously aware that joy is more and more becoming the driving factor in my life; that passion and desire rather than approval is what motivates me in the decisions and choices that I now make.

 And it feels GREAT!!!!!

 It has been a long time since I looked forward to each new day with energy and excitement. And it has been a long time since I have been driven by a passion for life and love and all that I have to offer.

 And it feels GREAT!!!!

 So what has caused this seemingly sudden change you might ask?

 Well, for one thing, it has by no means been sudden! It has taken a commitment to honouring God's Love and Truth, as best I can, on a day to day basis; and a desire to grow in true humility to help me get here. It has required a willingness to fully feel all of my emotions as they arise and a willingness to feel God's Truth about the errors in my soul. Even now I am still too often resistant to God's Truth and Love. At times I still turn a blind eye to the messages that God is trying to tell me. Mostly because, for me anyway, letting go of 'control' and allowing God to direct my life still feels too scary!

 But, gradually I am learning to NOT let fear dictate my life. I am learning to acknowledge the fear, ask God for the truth and follow my heart. I am learning that no matter what decisions I may make – loving or otherwise, God always has my back – She will always be there with me every step of the way. I am learning to let go of the negative voices in my head – the ones that tell me that I can't do something that I really want to do; the ones that tell me not to trust myself; the ones that tell me not to trust God, that God doesn't care about me, that I am nobody and I should never aspire to be somebody!

 Slowly, ever so slowly, I am learning that God DOES Love ME!!! And that God wants nothing more than for me to recognize my true potential and engage my unique talents and passions and in so doing bring another piece of the puzzle to God's universe. More and more joy and passion occupy my days. I get increasingly engrossed in projects and time just disappears. I am finally doing what I love most of the time, on most days of the week. There are still many addictions for me to work through but the path is becoming wider and clearer as more light is being let in. And joy is becoming an increasingly prominent part of each day.

 And it feels GREAT!!!!

Sunday 16 February 2014

The Transforming Power of God's Love


 Today I though I would share with you some records of this journey that I have been on for a while. Below are some Aura photos that I have had taken over the past 12 years or so. I apologize for the lack of clarity in the photos, I'm not very good with scanning things into the computer and didn't want to use Photoshop to enhance the photos in any way (not that I really know how to do that yet anyway!) 

If you have never had an Aura photo taken before I would highly recommend that you do as it gives you a glimpse of what is going on in your soul and that is reflected in your aura. 

Wikipedia describes an aura thus - "In parapsychology and many forms of spiritual practice, an aura is a field of subtle, luminous radiation surrounding a person or object (like the halo or aureola in religious art). The depiction of such an aura often connotes a person of particular power or holiness. Sometimes, however, it is said that all living things (including humans) and all objects manifest such an aura. Often it is held to be perceptible, whether spontaneously or with practice: such perception is at times linked with the third eye of Indian spirituality.[1][2] Various writers associate various personality traits with the colors of different layers of the aura.[3][4][5] It has also been described as a map of the thoughts and feelings surrounding a person.[6"

With each aura photo I have had taken I have been given an explanation of the colours in the aura.  I was also told that "The colour above you is what you experience for yourself right now. It is the colour that would best describe you right now.  If the colour is high it means aspirations, or what you wish to be.  The colour on your left is the vibration coming in to you.  The closer it is the sooner it will be felt.  And the colour on the right side is what you give out to the world.  The vibrational frequency most likely to be felt by others.  It is the energy you are putting out o the world".

The reasons I am posting these here is to show the transformational power of Divine Love on the soul.

This first one was taken on 10th April 2002. This was during a time when we were under a great deal of stress and were uncertain if we would loose everything due to an unfortunate misunderstanding with the bank - its a LONG story that I'm not going to go into here. 

Notice though that there is quite a bit of dark energy around me in the centre and to the right. Although they did not tell me this then, I now feel that this darker energy is probably due to the influence of darker spirits with me at the time. The edges of the aura are somewhat blurred. High above me and to the left side you can see areas of light - the presence of my guides. 

At this point I was very connected to God - times of great upheaval and uncertainty can do that to you!  I feel that I received some Divine Love during this time (although I did not recognize it as such then).

Green is the energy of healing, teaching, endurance, balance, perseverance, self-esteem, and self-love. Blue is the colour of communication, unity, depth of feeling, peach, spiritual love and grace.  During this phase of my life I was in need of healing - physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I also needed a LOT of perseverance, endurance and balance to get through what we were experiencing.  I was struggling with self-love and self-esteem. A LOT of communication at all levels was needed.  it was the presence of God's Love and my guides that got me through this time of my life.  Notice that the colours are somewhat dark and muted in may areas.





This next photo was taken on the 16th August 2006. This was another very difficult year for us in lots of ways.  It was the year John's younger brother died from pancreatic cancer, another brother was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour, his mother was very sick at this stage with John and Tim alternately sleeping at the farm with her, three young friends died tragically and we closed the family dairy after over 90years. 

Again you can see a lot more darker energy around me and the aura is not as enveloping - there are many gaps and I am clearly visible in the photo.  blue and green figure prominently in this photo and I was in need of a lot of healing and still really struggling with issues of self-esteem and self-love. Because of this I was not very connected with God or my guides at this stage.


This next photo was taken on the 27th October 2008.  Again there are a lot of holes in my aura leaving me open to spirit attack and I am clearly visible in the photo.  The light blue above me shows that I am more connected to God and my guides at this stage but still in need of a lot of healing - still struggling with issues of self-love and self-esteem.  Difficult family issues meant that strong communication was needed - particularly in voicing my opinions and standing up for myself. The green around my heart shows that a healing is coming in to this area. The interpretive data describes healing as being important for me right now and the blue indicates a good time to learn. About ten months later I was introduced to AJ Miller and Divine Truth and have been learning ever since!


This final photo was taken on 29th January 2014.  I have been following the teachings of AJ and practicing Divine Truth (amidst much resistance) for four and a half years.

You will notice that the colours in this photo are much clearer, sharper and brighter and the outer boarder is much more well defined.  The outer colour is Indigo witch represents universal nature, awareness of truth, clairvoyance, unlimited knowledge, deeply spiritual. 

There is a LOT more light in this photo indicating the presence of God's Love and of my Guides.

There is also a lot more pink in this photo which is the colour of passion, sensitivity, softness, compassion, love and unconditional love. At this point I am opening up more and more to my true soul desires and beginning to ACT upon them. 

There are much fewer holes in my aura and I am much more protected by my guides and God's Love.


The reason I wanted to share these with you is because so many people have doubts about the transformative powers of Divine Love.  Most of the people in my immediate circle do not understand the healing benefits of personal responsibility and allowing the full expression of all of our emotions - particularly the difficult, dark emotions.  They do not understand when I say that I am working through a particular emotion and wonder what I am on about.  Outwardly they do not SEE any difference.  My physical condition has not changed much although I can notice subtle changes in my body and in the way I perceive my world and myself.

When I shared this latest photo with John and then showed him the previous three - the ones before finding the Way to God - he was confronted.  Here was the evidence that he had been looking for. He has watched and supported me on this journey for the past four and a half years not really understanding what I was going through, but at a soul level knowing that things were changing, that I was growing.  Our relationship has grown enormously in that time but he could not understand why.  He only knew that I often confronted him - so on some level he has grown too. And that is a good thing for us both.

I would like to encourage you all to go and have an aura photo taken and to record if you can the verbal interpretation of the photo - it will show you lots about your soul condition right now.

Walking the Way back to God is confronting and challenging and for me often brings up many doubts - Am I growing?  Am I deceiving myself? Am I changing at the soul level? Am I doing this right?  Having this record shows me that since beginning on the Way back to God I have changed.  I have grown and my guides are with me - even if I still have a LOT of blocks to communicating freely with them.  They are there.  It is up to me to find a way to overcome these blocks and open my soul to clearer communication with God and my guides.

I wish you all well on your respective journeys and pray that you may find a way to walk with God as that really is the most transformative and rewarding way to live this life.

Saturday 8 February 2014

Some Personal Reminders

While cleaning out the office today I came across a copy of a couple of prayers that I would like to share here.  They are particularly relevant to me and I suspect to just about everyone on the planet.
                                                ............................................

I am a child of God. I am precious.  I am loved.
I didn't earn it and I can't lose it.
It is God's gift to me.

Before my parents knew I was 'on the way'
God created pathways for me to walk in.

No one can live my life the way I can.

God has preserved my life for me
and wants me to walk freely in it.

I was not created to be a replacement for anyone else.

I am ... because God destined me to be.

(Jeremiah 1:5)

I feel that I have known for a very long time that I am God's child, I certainly knew that my 'children' were God's children and this made it easy for me to let them go, to be free to explore their world without a heap of projections form me about 'being safe'; I always knew (well, mostly always, sometimes I did let me fear override this knowing) that God would protect them.  Why then do I still struggle to know that I am precious, I am loved?  It has been a long hard road to get to the point of learning to accept this truth but doubt still creeps in from time to time which allows darker spirits to manipulate and control me as they play upon this doubt. 

I didn't earn it and I can't lose it. It is God's gift to me. But in order to receive this gift I must activate my soul's longings for love and ask God to give it to me.  God will always honour our free will and will never impose upon us anything that is not asked for.  In my next post I'll show HOW God's Love can and does change our souls. But the key here is using our free will to activate or souls and ask for God's Love; and to continue to ask for God's Love as long as we exist. God's Love is abundant and infinite, we just need to learn how to tap into it remembering that Love is an emotion that must be felt and it can only enter us when error leaves.  Love and error cannot co-exist.  When error leaves, Love can enter; and error leaving is painful so in order to receive abundant qualities of God's Love we must be willing to feel and release our errors so that God's Love can heal us and make us whole. Receiving God's Love is an emotional transaction between God and any one of Her children.  But we must ask in order to receive.

                                                           ..........................................

My life is not a mistake.
God made me out of the love that He is.

He called me into being at the right time
and the right place.
He prepared a way for me.

I am a privilege, not a burden;

A joy and delight, not a disappointment;

I am not an intrusion, I belong.

I am a treasure just because I am,
not merely for what I can do.

I am one of Mother God's own children
and She delights in me.

(Psalm 127:3-5)

This prayer in particular resonates very strongly with me. 

So often in my childhood I felt that maybe I was a mistake - I did not feel loved.  I often felt like a burden, especially when I pushed my parents' buttons and they did not want to feel whatever it was that I was triggering in them.  Instead, like most people, they dismissed their emotions and projected blame onto me.  They didn't just do this with me but with all of my siblings and other kids as well - sometimes with other adults. And I have done this with my own and others' children.

Too often in my childhood I felt that I was an intrusion; "children should be seen and not heard" was the old adage that I was brought up with.  And we were dismissed when we deemed to be a nuisance or our parents were entertaining adult friends - kids were a nuisance at these time - Not always, but often.Unless we are willing to challenge the accepted wisdom and rattle the status quo we end up repeating the same mistakes that our parents made. And whilst I feel that I did challenge many of my parents' perceptions of proper parenting I have made many of the same mistakes.  My only recourse now is to feel what that felt like for me as well as for those I have hurt, to ask for God's forgiveness, mercy and Love and pray that my children will do a better job than I have done.

As I work my way very slowly through all of my childhood injuries I am slowly learning that I actually am a treasure - I am a child of God, 'the greatest of Her creation and the object of Her Love and tenderest care'*.  I don't know that I ever felt like that from my birth parents and this is possibly the hardest truth for me to face, along with knowing that I am 'not the sinful, subservient and depraved creature that false teachers would have me to believe'*.  This truth was so heavily masked through my parents projections, the projections of the world around me and in particular through the teachings of the Catholic Church.  I was taught that I was born a sinner when the truth is that I was created perfect in God's image and heavily tarnished by the unloving behaviours, attitudes and false beliefs of those around me from the moment of conception. I learnt to earn love through my actions; it was never enough to just be me.  In fact being just me was very triggering for the adults in my world, especially my parents and I quickly learnt how NOT to be me and instead to be the person who would please the adults in my world (to be my façade) and thus get their affection (if I was lucky!).

'I am one of Mother God's own children and She delights in me'. Yes, ... well ... there is a LOT that I still have to feel here. I am one of Mother God's own children and She delights in me - and in you too!

                                               ..................................................

* excerpts from the prayer for Divine Love - see post  February 4th 2012


Tuesday 14 January 2014

Resistance to Humility

I seriously can't believe that it has been four months since I last wrote!  Apparently I am still in huge resistance to humility.  So today I thought I would write about resistance to humility from a personal perspective.

Why do I resist humility?  Well the simple answer is FEAR! This might seem extreme but when being truly humble means that you are willing to fully feel all of your emotions as they arise, no matter where you are or who you are with, you can see how easy it could be to allow fear to dominate and shut down your true soul's desires! 

For me personally my greatest fear is fear of judgement, ridicule, condemnation and banishment.  What will people think if something they say or do brings to the surface something that makes me angry?  How will they respond if I excuse myself mid conversation and start screaming or bashing something or throw a tantrum like I was two years old?  Seriously, how would you feel if someone did that to you?

What if this emotion comes up when I am in a shopping centre?  Will they think I am mad and call the police?

Now, my experience has been that unless you are aware of the teachings of Divine Truth  www.divinetruth.com you will likely be confronted by such behaviour and have some judgement of it.  And unless you are willing to feel that, you will be projecting your denied emotions back onto the person who is allowing the expression of their emotion. And unless they are very grounded in Truth there is a high likelihood that that person will stop feeling what they need to feel in order to feel safe.

It is rare for me to allow the expression of anger as it arises when in public, mostly because I am afraid of judgement, ridicule, criticism and condemnation.  But what this really means is that I do not yet fully trust that God has my back.  That God will protect me and that God's Love and approval is all that I really need.  And that I already have that. This is a childhood fear resulting from the lack of approval from my parents when I was a child and their constant demands and projections that I be or do as they want me to in order to help them avoid their own emotions, their own fears. 

This was not always the case - there were times when I did gain their approval but that was mostly when I was being or doing whatever made them happy. In short, I was not allowed to be my real self most of the time and quickly learnt to modify my behaviour and personality to suit them.  And this has caused much grief within me - I feel that I am not good enough.  I have spent most of my life afraid to be my real self.  And so it makes sense that now that I want to challenge these errors within my soul that fear will arise whenever I attempt to be my real self - to feel what I am really feeling.  It brings back childhood memories and fears that I must now work through if I ever want to be free of these errors and learn to be my authentic self - the me that God created.

I am getting better at allowing the expression of fear, shame or grief to surface when I am with others but far too often I do not remove myself in order to allow the full expression of the emotion without harming another person.  I allow myself to touch upon and acknowledge the emotion but too often I prevent its full expression. But I rarely allow the expression of anger when I am in public or even when I am within earshot of others.

Why is this?

Well, if I am to be honest I would say that I still feel responsible for the emotions of others around me.  What if, by feeling my emotions, someone else felt bad about themselves?  This is an irrational fear I know - I am not responsible for anyone else's emotions unless they are my children.  I might trigger something in someone else that makes them feel bad, sad, angry, ashamed, fearful - but I did not create that emotion in them - I am not responsible for their emotions. 

Why then do I so often feel responsible?  The real truth of this is that I was made to feel responsible for the emotions of the adults in my world when I was a small child - especially for my parents emotions.  I had a job to do as a child (as most children do) and that was to make my parents feel better about themselves.  I did this to my own children and am now finding that following the maze of emotions back to their original cause is difficult and often confronting - especially when I am with others.  I am also experiencing great remorse as I feel how damaging this was to my child-self and how damaging it has been to my own children.

Allowing myself to be truly humble is especially confronting when I am with people who do not want to feel their own emotions - who still want me to make them feel better about themselves and help them to avoid their own pain.  But this is not my job - it never has been my job as far as God is concerned.  From God's perspective we are each responsible for every emotion within us regardless of how the error got there.

At this point it may be useful for me to explain a little about emotions and how they enter us.  From the moment of conception the pristine soul, which is extremely sensitive, begins to absorb the emotions of its environment.  This is the system that God designed for us to be able to come to know ourselves, through our emotions.  This means that we begin to absorb everything - from our parents denied emotions, to their expressed emotions (good and bad), as well as the emotions of every person they/we come in contact with, and the prevailing societal emotions in the area we are brought up in.  When a person denies their emotions they automatically project that emotion back into its environment.  This is why I can be personally responsible for or have a part in the creation of negative world events.  I am a part of this world therefore I contribute to the overall health or dis-ease of the world through my emotions - both good and bad.  Now many people will feel that this is a little far fetched but if you allow yourself to really feel into this you will soon see the logic of this system.  Science has already proven this (the butterfly effect) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butterfly_effect

So emotions enter us from the moment of conception and continue to do so throughout our formative years.  Most emotional errors enter us by the time we are seven or eight years of age and often effect our personalities.  From about seven or eight we begin to make decisions for ourselves and by the time we are teenagers we are capable of making decisions independent of our parents.  In fact we are capable of this at a much younger age but far too often we are not given the opportunity to do so.  It is the decisions that we make based upon the emotions within us that create further damage to our souls or help us to grow in love.  Regardless of how an emotion entered me I am the only person who can release it.  I must be personally responsible for myself.  There is no magic wand. 

Emotion is in effect energy in motion.  It is a feeling and negative emotions can only be released from our souls through allowing ourselves to feel them.

This is where humility comes in.  And this is where fear so often prevents us from being truly humble.  And the definition of humility that I am using is the ability to feel all of our emotions as they arise, to be our true authentic selves - not our façade self (the self we present to the world in order to feel loved and accepted).

So, getting back to resistance to humility - I have already mentioned that fear plays a large part in resistance to humility and for me it is the most important reason why I resist true humility.  And fear, like any other emotion, is energy in motion and the only way I can overcome fear at the soul level is to feel it.  This means that I will need to learn to allow myself to shake and to breathe deeply and diaphragmatically whenever I confront fear. I want to learn to do this more openly and honestly. 

I want to challenge my fears as this is the only way that I will ever learn to be truly humble.  So if you ever seem me shaking in public please, just allow me to feel my fear.  I do not always know what it will be about but when I allow myself to get past the fear to the grief I will always learn the truth - the emotion tells me the truth as long as I do not try to control it or second-guess it (and this is another challenge with humility - allowing - trusting).  And if I suddenly excuse myself and walk away and you hear me yelling or bashing - please - be grateful that I am not projecting my anger onto you and that I am allowing myself to be  my authentic self.  And if you need to, allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel also without blame.  This is self-responsibility.  This is love in action.  This is Humility.