Confusion

It has been some time now since I have written anything, either here or in my notebook. I am struggling with desire and with worthiness to have/follow my desires. Lots has been happening for us and I have been away quite a lot which is taking me away from my desire to write more. I question if this is a pure desire of just another means by which to be noticed? I have been feeling totally overwhelmed by the barrage of emotions that have been cropping up and by the lack of time to process these. I know this is an illusion though for if I was being truly humble I would allow myself to fully feel these emotions as they arise. I find I still have a lot of shame, fear, doubt and mistrust in me. I am working on these, especially fear and I am noticing that as I feel my fear and allow it to pass through me, my body feels freer but still I find it daunting and I often find myself questioning God. This poem was written some time ago but I find it is still as relevant now as it was when I wrote it. I pray for the courage and the willingness to go deeply into my fear, shame and grief so that my body and soul may feel the healing power of God's Great Love

Confusion
Confusion coursing through my soul
Dark clouds descending
Struggling to understand the truth
That I have been avoiding

And I find myself doubting
God’s Love for me.

Confusion swirling all around me
Engulfing my soul
Seeping into the very depths of my being
Allowing doubt to take hold.

Finding it difficult to breathe
Guilt and shame descending
Struggling to understand
God’s plan for me

Confusion rising within me once more
Keeping me away from God’s door.

Constantly dipping in and out
Afraid to know the truth
Running away
Hiding
Confused

Confusion coursing through my soul
Distracting me from the truth
Where is God when I need Her?
Am I not worthy of Her love
Why does She abandon me
in my hour of need?

Feeling weak and helpless
Doubting God’s great plan
Feeling weak
Fragile
Unworthy of God’s love

Confusion swirling all around me
Too afraid to understand
Wanting to run away and hide
Confusion engulfing me
Will fear and doubt survive?

Praying for guidance
As tears stream down my face
Help me to have the courage
To face the truth.
Forgive me for my weakness.

Confusion coursing through my soul
Feeling abandoned and unloved
Too afraid to face the truth
Cowering
Hiding
Avoiding

Help me please to face the truth
Give me courage
Give me faith
Teach me humility
Remove the veil of confusion
So that I may come to face reality

Confusion coursing through my soul
Confusion swirling all around me
Confusion…
Confused….
Afraid….

Confusion coursing through my soul
Confusion swirling all around me
Fear…
Doubt…
Confused…confused…confused.

I am so weak
Choosing pain over truth
Why do I torture myself so
Why won’t I let fear go?

Is the truth so painful
That I would choose
To torment and torture myself
Rather than face the truth?

Is love so distant
that it is unreachable?
Or is it simply
that I am not capable?

Open my heart and my soul I pray
That I may have the courage
to face another day
Open my heart and my soul I pray
So that Your Love
Might find a place to stay.

Linda
08.03.11