Humility in Practice - Learning to embrace Every opportunity and God's great Love.

This journey towards understanding and living humility is much more challenging that I thought and it is taking longer than I had imagined.  I guess that is a good thing.  In the midst of the final wedding preparations for my youngest daughter's wedding I am finding that I am easily distracted by earthly things and not taking every opportunity to focus and grow in humility.  My reflections on the second interview on humility will follow in the coming days in the meanwhile I would like to share this entry from my journal from this morning as I feel that it fits well here.

Thursday 9^th May 2013

This past week has been one of resistance.  Everything has been difficult.  I have been tired all of the time and not sleeping very well.  Lots of fear is coming up when I go to bed at night and it is often well past midnight before I get to sleep. I feel overwhelmed and confused and have been making very poor food choices – not eating vegan and as a result eating foods that I am now finding disagree with me – mostly white bread and dairy which have been my comfort foods.  I guess God is showing me that what appears to be short term comfort actually produces long term discomfort. It is just not worth it! And all this is occurring I the midst of a two month focus on humility!  It is showing me that I am not yet very humble and that I do not yet trust God fully. And I am paying the price for this!

There have been many opportunities to welcome humility in the past couple of weeks, some of which I have embraced, many of which I have brushed aside. And I am realizing over and over again just how far away I feel from God on a moment by moment basis.

But then, in the midst of my denial and avoidance there have been some precious moments of connection - both with God and with my ever-patient soulmate.

And this is what keeps me going.

It is as if God is reaching out a hand and touching my heart and saying “I’m still here – do not give up”.

I am so very grateful for these moments of connection, however fleeting they may be, because they remind me of God’s unwavering Love and bring me back to myself.  Without these precious moments of connection it would be all too easy to give up and go back to a life of avoidance and addiction, of blindness and error. 

But these moments are so powerful and moving and it is as if I can hear God saying “Don’t give up. I am here with you every step of the way.  I will never leave you.  You are not alone.  Have faith and you will find your way back to Me. I will help you clear away all of the muck and debris that blocks your path home. Trust this. Do not give up.  The road back is fraught with danger while the road ahead might be bumpy, and at times seem overwhelming, it is the only way home and you must have faith and courage and forge ahead.  I am waiting to show you My Kingdom.  I am walking beside you every step of the way.  Turn to Me when in doubt and I will find a way to help you.  Trust this.  Trust Me. I love you – you are my precious child and you are only just beginning to tap into and understand the depth of My Love for you.  Don’t give up. Stay the course and your rewards will be great.  Trust this.  Trust My Love for you. I am here with you. Always.”

As I write this I can feel my heart opening and tears are flowing as the warmth of the autumn sun caresses my back and the cool autumn breeze kisses my face.  This has come through me and not from me and I am grateful.  I know that God is real and that She is kind, patient, loving and persistent.  She does not judge, she just observes and waits and Loves.  And I realize that these are qualities that are still so foreign to me that I find myself longing to be like God in these qualities. Far too often I find myself becoming impatient, judging or criticizing myself or others or just giving up temporarily because it all seems too hard.

And it is hard because I do not yet fully trust God in this process. And because I am not yet humble enough to simply embrace what God is trying to teach me without question. I find that I still question everything  - I still look for an easier way out.  I still look for that ever elusive fast forward button – and there is none! There is only here and now - this moment. My challenge it to learn to embrace every moment and to be fully present in my life.  To learn to catch myself drifting away without judgement or criticism and have empathy and compassion for my injured self – without excuses!  I need to let go of despair and doubt and embrace humility more fully and completely.  I need to grow in faith and hope that God’s Love can and will transform my soul if I will allow it.

I pray for more moments of deep connection to light my path.

Where would I be without God in my life? What would my life look like? I can only imagine the answers to these questions.  So, for me now the only way forward is with God. 

Please Mother teach me to trust. Teach me to embrace fully every opportunity that You give me to grow in humility and love.  Please Father, help me to overcome the obstacles that prevent Your Love from transforming my soul into a divine child of God. Teach me to love.

Resistance and Rebellion

Resistance serves no useful purpose.  Resistance is avoidance.  Resistance is very unloving, both to yourself and to the universe.  I am coming to understand this after having been in resistance to my emotions and God’s Truth for the past couple of weeks.  This past week I have been feeling awful!  Lifeless.  Achy. Unmotivated. And cycling through phases of intense heat and at times cold – in other words I have been avoiding large amounts of anger, rage and fear and I have been paying the price for it. 

Why? 

The only answer I can come up with right now is to realize just how little love I have for myself.  Perhaps this even borders on self-loathing! Again I have to ask - Why?  And I am afraid to find out the answers.  I must be, otherwise I would succumb to the emotions, trusting in God’s Love and allow the emotions to show me the truth.  But I have not been doing that.  Fear! Fear of the truth.  Fear of the anger and rage that is within my soul. Fear of other people’s judgement and condemnation because I choose to be different, I choose to make some sort of effort to uncover the real me.  Fear of my own judgement and condemnation – ‘this feels ridiculous’; ‘I hate anger’; ‘anger serves no useful purpose’. None of this is helpful.  In fact it is all down right harmful – both to my soul and to the environment and those around me. 

How little I know about love.  How little I choose to engage in the process of love and discovering the healing power of love.

So I wanted to understand more fully this thing called Resistance. Dictionary.com describes resistance as the act or power of resisting, opposing, or withstanding or in Psychiatry it is the opposition to an attempt to bring repressed thoughts or feelings into consciousness. This is exactly what I have been doing. Opposing any attempts to bring repressed thoughts or feelings into consciousness – opposing God’s Love and laws and withstanding any attempts on my part to uncover my hidden self.  The question is WHY?

Oxford dictionary describes resistance as the refusal to accept or comply with something: So I can only assume that when I am in resistance to God’s Truth and Love I am refusing to accept God’s Truth and refusing to comply with God’s Laws. And this is what is causing me this pain and discomfort and draining me of energy. It has taken a bit to recognize this and to acknowledge to myself that I still have a HUGE resistance to authority. In recognizing this I have begun to challenge this resistance very simply by attempting to obey ALL road rules.  It has been an interesting experiment as I drive along in 60km zones which could quite safely be 70km or even 80km zones or in a 40km zone where it feels painful to be going that slow and feel the anger rising within me (most often as subtly as mild frustration) and the projections of anger from those behind me.

Resistance is also a form of rebellion the action or process of resisting authority, control, or convention: also opposition to authority; being unwilling to obey rules or accept normal standards of behaviour, dress, etc. So when I am in resistance I am also rebelling against God’s authority just as the first parents did.  I am beginning to understand this now but still there is a resistance in me to changing this.  I don’t want to be different.  I want to fit in.  I have wanted this all of my life and this is why I have created such an elaborate façade self.  A false sense of who I really am, created in order to avoid the pain I feel at being rejected for my real self. 

Finding my way back there is difficult, especially as I continue to hold on to resistance and act rebelliously.  I want to blame spirits with me for this rebellion and resistance but the truth is that while spirits may influence my behaviour they do so only because I allow it.  I am totally responsible for the effects of the resistance that I am feeling and I need to allow myself to feel what it is that I am gaining through this interaction with spirits and be willing to let that go and allow God in.  I’m not sure if I really want to do that.  Not yet anyway. Why is this? 

As I struggle to come to terms with my injured self I find myself looking for reassurance – a hand to hold – a smile – an encouraging word and I do not yet know how to get that directly from God.  I wish I could understand why this is so and how to change this.  For now all I can do is pray for God’s guidance but in my resistance and rebellion I don’t even feel worthy of that. I feel that as long as I hold on to resistance and rebellion I have no right to ask for God’s help and so I find myself in somewhat of a quandary.  What do I do now?  But if I have faith in a God who is all holy, loving, giving and merciful I have to believe that God will assist me through this rebellious phase as long as I am willing to face the truth and have the courage to accept full responsibility for this situation I now find myself in.  I have to trust that God is on my side and not push Him away as I have been doing.  I need to learn to be truly humble.  I need to learn to trust God completely or I will never become at one with Her (I use the feminine aspect of God here because I feel that it is the feminine that I am resisting the most and have the most difficulty connecting with at this point).

Please God, help me to let go of resistance and control.  Teach me to be truly humble.  Teach me to love myself so that I may be able to love others.

 ...............................

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and still find myself oscillating between resistance and passion and desire.  there is much here for me to learn still.  I hope it is of some assistance to you.

Love

Linda

20.01.13 

Confusion

It has been some time now since I have written anything, either here or in my notebook. I am struggling with desire and with worthiness to have/follow my desires. Lots has been happening for us and I have been away quite a lot which is taking me away from my desire to write more. I question if this is a pure desire of just another means by which to be noticed? I have been feeling totally overwhelmed by the barrage of emotions that have been cropping up and by the lack of time to process these. I know this is an illusion though for if I was being truly humble I would allow myself to fully feel these emotions as they arise. I find I still have a lot of shame, fear, doubt and mistrust in me. I am working on these, especially fear and I am noticing that as I feel my fear and allow it to pass through me, my body feels freer but still I find it daunting and I often find myself questioning God. This poem was written some time ago but I find it is still as relevant now as it was when I wrote it. I pray for the courage and the willingness to go deeply into my fear, shame and grief so that my body and soul may feel the healing power of God's Great Love

Confusion
Confusion coursing through my soul
Dark clouds descending
Struggling to understand the truth
That I have been avoiding

And I find myself doubting
God’s Love for me.

Confusion swirling all around me
Engulfing my soul
Seeping into the very depths of my being
Allowing doubt to take hold.

Finding it difficult to breathe
Guilt and shame descending
Struggling to understand
God’s plan for me

Confusion rising within me once more
Keeping me away from God’s door.

Constantly dipping in and out
Afraid to know the truth
Running away
Hiding
Confused

Confusion coursing through my soul
Distracting me from the truth
Where is God when I need Her?
Am I not worthy of Her love
Why does She abandon me
in my hour of need?

Feeling weak and helpless
Doubting God’s great plan
Feeling weak
Fragile
Unworthy of God’s love

Confusion swirling all around me
Too afraid to understand
Wanting to run away and hide
Confusion engulfing me
Will fear and doubt survive?

Praying for guidance
As tears stream down my face
Help me to have the courage
To face the truth.
Forgive me for my weakness.

Confusion coursing through my soul
Feeling abandoned and unloved
Too afraid to face the truth
Cowering
Hiding
Avoiding

Help me please to face the truth
Give me courage
Give me faith
Teach me humility
Remove the veil of confusion
So that I may come to face reality

Confusion coursing through my soul
Confusion swirling all around me
Confusion…
Confused….
Afraid….

Confusion coursing through my soul
Confusion swirling all around me
Fear…
Doubt…
Confused…confused…confused.

I am so weak
Choosing pain over truth
Why do I torture myself so
Why won’t I let fear go?

Is the truth so painful
That I would choose
To torment and torture myself
Rather than face the truth?

Is love so distant
that it is unreachable?
Or is it simply
that I am not capable?

Open my heart and my soul I pray
That I may have the courage
to face another day
Open my heart and my soul I pray
So that Your Love
Might find a place to stay.

Linda
08.03.11