Reflections on Death

Recently I was fortunate enough to spend a few weeks in Tasmania with my beautiful husband and a few old friends. Like most visitors to Tasmania we favoured the natural environment and spent several days exploring some of Tassie’s pristine forests. It was after one such visit that these thought came to me …….

What is this thing we call death? Is there even such a thing? Or have we been duped into believing in ‘death’ because of the fear and lack of faith in others? Every day we confront ‘death’ in some way.  Most days we are so detuned from ‘death’ that we don’t even notice it until it touches us personally in a deep and unavoidable way.

Our cat catches a mouse and tortures it before killing it to eat. Dead animals litter the shoulders of our highways, victims of this fast-paced life we live.  A bug lands on our skin and we swipe at it intent on killing it. The wood we use in our fireplaces was once a vibrant living tree providing shelter and possibly food for many creatures. 

But is there really such a thing as death? Or is death simply a means of transformation, an opportunity for growth in a different direction?

Whilst we were exploring the many beautiful natural wonders of Tasmania I noticed that everywhere we went life was abundant and beautiful.  In the Franklin-Gordon Wilderness Area we came across the remains of an ancient Huon pine. Some would say that this tree was ‘dead’. It certainly wasn’t living in the form that most would identify as a Huon pine. And yet the remains of this magnificent old tree – hundreds of years old – was bursting with life.  Over 160 species of trees and plants have now been identified as emerging and thriving in the remnants of what once was an ancient giant of the forest.

So is this tree dead? Or has it simply been transformed into something new?  It is certainly providing a fertile bed for a vibrant and diverse colony of life.  The evidence is there for all to see.  So is this tree ‘dead’?

And what about those unfortunate animals which have fallen prey to our fast paced lifestyle and become road kill? Their remains are now transformed into food for the many scavengers which are drawn to the freshly killed carcasses. Without these scavengers we would by now be buried beneath the burden of our own waste, our own carelessness.

But the forest provides the clearest example of the cycles of life, of ‘death’ and rebirth. A tree fallen in a wild storm crashes to the forest floor where it begins the process of rebirth. It is no longer the magnificent tree that it once was as it reached for the warmth of the sunlight.  It has now reached its lowest point and it slowly begins its transformation into something else, something potentially more beautiful, lighter, and more vibrant. 

As time passes this ‘dead’ tree becomes host to a multitude of living organisms – fungi, lichen, moss, insects, grubs, each one working in tandem with the others to transform the tree into something more beautiful than it was before. Eventually this fallen tree will support the continuation of growth and life of all around it.  So has the tree really died or is it simply being transformed?

We are generally afraid of death because change makes us feel uncomfortable.  Think of a time in your life when you were forced to change? A job redundancy, marriage, the arrival of children, moving out of home, illness, travel to a foreign country and so on. How did that feel? And did you emerge from this changed circumstance (whatever it might have been) exactly the same as before or had you changed in some way?  Change makes us feel uncomfortable but it almost always leads to growth if we let it. For most this growth will be in a positive direction but some get stuck in old patterns and growth either stops or reverses in a negative direction. The choice is up to the individual.

Change is all around us.  It is the one constant thing in this world.  Every day every one of us witnesses dozens of small changes – from the way we have brushed our hair, the clothes we wear, the direction of the breeze, the ever changing skyscape.  Change is all around us. Everyday. And yet when it comes to the biggest change of all, ‘death’, we become frozen. Often paralysed by fear of the unknown.  But isn’t God trying to show us through our natural environment that there is no such thing as ‘death’?

In order for us to understand this concept we must be able to acknowledge that we are not who we think we are.  We are not our physical body.  We are a soul having a physical experience. Many religious philosophies teach this. And yet if we truly believed this we would also have to acknowledge that the ‘death’ of the physical body simply marks a transition to a lighter and more ethereal existence.  Of course, the big problem with acknowledging this is that the ‘death’ of the physical body necessitates change. The person whose physical body has decayed and ‘died’ must get used to residing in a lighter form. And unless they were particularly tuned to this more ethereal existence prior to their ‘death’ they will have difficulty communicating with those left behind, especially if their loved ones have not yet developed the ability to communicate across the great divide. The person who has ‘died’ now has an opportunity to learn and grow in a different direction and perhaps be transformed into something with far greater potential that previously imagined.

Perhaps for us ‘death’ is like the tree which has fallen in the forest.  We have now reached our lowest point and must learn to surrender to the process, to the truth of the universe around us, in order to learn and grow and eventually transform into something potentially much grander and greater than we ever would have imagined possible. Like that grand old Huon pine in the forests of Tasmania, we all have the opportunity to allow ‘death’ to transform us into something greater that we ever thought we could be. But to do this we must be willing to surrender everything we thought we knew about ourselves. And we must be willing to learn to see ourselves through God’s eyes, will all of our potential and promise. Then we must be willing to let go and let God show us the way forward.  And who knows where he will lead us? And we can begin this process long before the ‘death’ of the physical body.

Death is not the end.  It is simply a new beginning.  Nature shows us this every day.  All around us.  We just need to wake up and pay attention.

With the end of the year fast approaching perhaps now is an appropriate time to reflect upon our own feelings about 'death' and ask ourselves "What 'death' am I wanting to face before the new year begins? What 'death' must I face in order for new opportunities to bloom and thrive in the coming year?"

Resistance to Humility

I seriously can't believe that it has been four months since I last wrote!  Apparently I am still in huge resistance to humility.  So today I thought I would write about resistance to humility from a personal perspective.

Why do I resist humility?  Well the simple answer is FEAR! This might seem extreme but when being truly humble means that you are willing to fully feel all of your emotions as they arise, no matter where you are or who you are with, you can see how easy it could be to allow fear to dominate and shut down your true soul's desires! 

For me personally my greatest fear is fear of judgement, ridicule, condemnation and banishment.  What will people think if something they say or do brings to the surface something that makes me angry?  How will they respond if I excuse myself mid conversation and start screaming or bashing something or throw a tantrum like I was two years old?  Seriously, how would you feel if someone did that to you?

What if this emotion comes up when I am in a shopping centre?  Will they think I am mad and call the police?

Now, my experience has been that unless you are aware of the teachings of Divine Truth  www.divinetruth.com you will likely be confronted by such behaviour and have some judgement of it.  And unless you are willing to feel that, you will be projecting your denied emotions back onto the person who is allowing the expression of their emotion. And unless they are very grounded in Truth there is a high likelihood that that person will stop feeling what they need to feel in order to feel safe.

It is rare for me to allow the expression of anger as it arises when in public, mostly because I am afraid of judgement, ridicule, criticism and condemnation.  But what this really means is that I do not yet fully trust that God has my back.  That God will protect me and that God's Love and approval is all that I really need.  And that I already have that. This is a childhood fear resulting from the lack of approval from my parents when I was a child and their constant demands and projections that I be or do as they want me to in order to help them avoid their own emotions, their own fears. 

This was not always the case - there were times when I did gain their approval but that was mostly when I was being or doing whatever made them happy. In short, I was not allowed to be my real self most of the time and quickly learnt to modify my behaviour and personality to suit them.  And this has caused much grief within me - I feel that I am not good enough.  I have spent most of my life afraid to be my real self.  And so it makes sense that now that I want to challenge these errors within my soul that fear will arise whenever I attempt to be my real self - to feel what I am really feeling.  It brings back childhood memories and fears that I must now work through if I ever want to be free of these errors and learn to be my authentic self - the me that God created.

I am getting better at allowing the expression of fear, shame or grief to surface when I am with others but far too often I do not remove myself in order to allow the full expression of the emotion without harming another person.  I allow myself to touch upon and acknowledge the emotion but too often I prevent its full expression. But I rarely allow the expression of anger when I am in public or even when I am within earshot of others.

Why is this?

Well, if I am to be honest I would say that I still feel responsible for the emotions of others around me.  What if, by feeling my emotions, someone else felt bad about themselves?  This is an irrational fear I know - I am not responsible for anyone else's emotions unless they are my children.  I might trigger something in someone else that makes them feel bad, sad, angry, ashamed, fearful - but I did not create that emotion in them - I am not responsible for their emotions. 

Why then do I so often feel responsible?  The real truth of this is that I was made to feel responsible for the emotions of the adults in my world when I was a small child - especially for my parents emotions.  I had a job to do as a child (as most children do) and that was to make my parents feel better about themselves.  I did this to my own children and am now finding that following the maze of emotions back to their original cause is difficult and often confronting - especially when I am with others.  I am also experiencing great remorse as I feel how damaging this was to my child-self and how damaging it has been to my own children.

Allowing myself to be truly humble is especially confronting when I am with people who do not want to feel their own emotions - who still want me to make them feel better about themselves and help them to avoid their own pain.  But this is not my job - it never has been my job as far as God is concerned.  From God's perspective we are each responsible for every emotion within us regardless of how the error got there.

At this point it may be useful for me to explain a little about emotions and how they enter us.  From the moment of conception the pristine soul, which is extremely sensitive, begins to absorb the emotions of its environment.  This is the system that God designed for us to be able to come to know ourselves, through our emotions.  This means that we begin to absorb everything - from our parents denied emotions, to their expressed emotions (good and bad), as well as the emotions of every person they/we come in contact with, and the prevailing societal emotions in the area we are brought up in.  When a person denies their emotions they automatically project that emotion back into its environment.  This is why I can be personally responsible for or have a part in the creation of negative world events.  I am a part of this world therefore I contribute to the overall health or dis-ease of the world through my emotions - both good and bad.  Now many people will feel that this is a little far fetched but if you allow yourself to really feel into this you will soon see the logic of this system.  Science has already proven this (the butterfly effect) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butterfly_effect

So emotions enter us from the moment of conception and continue to do so throughout our formative years.  Most emotional errors enter us by the time we are seven or eight years of age and often effect our personalities.  From about seven or eight we begin to make decisions for ourselves and by the time we are teenagers we are capable of making decisions independent of our parents.  In fact we are capable of this at a much younger age but far too often we are not given the opportunity to do so.  It is the decisions that we make based upon the emotions within us that create further damage to our souls or help us to grow in love.  Regardless of how an emotion entered me I am the only person who can release it.  I must be personally responsible for myself.  There is no magic wand. 

Emotion is in effect energy in motion.  It is a feeling and negative emotions can only be released from our souls through allowing ourselves to feel them.

This is where humility comes in.  And this is where fear so often prevents us from being truly humble.  And the definition of humility that I am using is the ability to feel all of our emotions as they arise, to be our true authentic selves - not our façade self (the self we present to the world in order to feel loved and accepted).

So, getting back to resistance to humility - I have already mentioned that fear plays a large part in resistance to humility and for me it is the most important reason why I resist true humility.  And fear, like any other emotion, is energy in motion and the only way I can overcome fear at the soul level is to feel it.  This means that I will need to learn to allow myself to shake and to breathe deeply and diaphragmatically whenever I confront fear. I want to learn to do this more openly and honestly. 

I want to challenge my fears as this is the only way that I will ever learn to be truly humble.  So if you ever seem me shaking in public please, just allow me to feel my fear.  I do not always know what it will be about but when I allow myself to get past the fear to the grief I will always learn the truth - the emotion tells me the truth as long as I do not try to control it or second-guess it (and this is another challenge with humility - allowing - trusting).  And if I suddenly excuse myself and walk away and you hear me yelling or bashing - please - be grateful that I am not projecting my anger onto you and that I am allowing myself to be  my authentic self.  And if you need to, allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel also without blame.  This is self-responsibility.  This is love in action.  This is Humility.

Building Harmony With Humility

Well, once again it has been a while since I have written.  I have been away for a couple of weeks and boy did that trip highlight how much I still have to learn about humility! I have been in such denial of my soul over the past couple of months really and this trip really helped me to see that.

I am so very grateful that God's Love never wavers and is always waiting for us to open our soul's to its reception through our desire.  This past week I have been slowly letting go of resistance and endeavouring to allow myself to sink more comfortably into God-reliance.  So much resistance in me means that it is a slow process.

Today I would like to share with you a message from the Judas Channellings on Humility.  It has helped me greatly to 'get back on track' (so to speak).  I hope it is of benefit to you also.

Building Harmony With Humility

January 14th, 2002

Received by H.R.
Cuenca, Ecuador.

Hello H___, I see that you do not feel so well today. But allow me to give you some advice.
After Jesus’ death, the new church, which in fact was not a church as you understand it today, spread all over the Roman Empire, and even beyond its limits, towards Mesopotamia and India. In the big cities, communities formed of more or less influence in society, and their leaders were recognized by the faithful ones as the new apostles, messengers of the Glad Tidings.

These leaders, unfortunately, very soon fought between themselves, in a fight for power. And I am not necessarily referring to political power, but there were many disputes over who was right. This was a very lamentable, but also a very human development. Because in human movements, somebody has to decide where to go.

Now, when you have the impression that this is repeating, although your movement has not spread so spectacularly over the face of the earth, it is necessary to meditate and to not commit the same mistakes that have already been made once.

You have to learn how to control yourself and to try to lose your great pride. On many occasions we have pointed out that, in fact, humility is one of the most important characteristics that distinguish people who seek the Father's Love. Emotional outbreaks, as you showed recently, don't fit into the harmony amongst people, who are supposed to work together.

Instead of exploding and creating an open conflict, you could say, “I respect your ideas, but I don't agree with them." It is so simple. With that, you don't hurt anybody.

I believe that you understand that humility does not mean weakness. Be humble but firm, firm in your decisions and in your objectives. You are receiving guidance through us, as anyone may receive guidance through us. After all, we are but guides, you decide your destination, which is at-onement with God through His Love, and we try to guide you along the safest and most efficient road. You are the captain of your ship of life; I am your pilot, guiding your ship safely to the harbor of its destination. Also in your efforts for spreading the message of Love, we try to give you our advice. How can you spread a message of Love, if you are not capable of manifesting love in front of your neighbours?

Humility is strength, provided it is accompanied by steadfastness. And you can only have steadfastness, when you have faith, that is to say, the certain knowledge that what you are doing is the correct thing.

You remember that we once talked about the quarrel between the disciples over who was the first. None of them was prepared to assume a slave's work, preparing water and washing the others’ feet. Jesus did it. That is humility. Seeing how little his disciples understood of what he was preaching still did not lead him to give up his efforts to fulfil the Heavenly Father's Will. Even seeing the risk he ran did not lead him to abandon his mission and to seek less dangerous roads. This is what I call steadfastness.

What actually distinguishes a great soul, are the qualities of love, humility and steadfastness.

Collaborate in everything, where you feel the impulse to collaborate. If something displeases you, say so immediately, and so you will avoid future confrontations.

This is all for today. It is a simple advice. Be firm in your decisions, be generous with others, and whatever you do, do it with love. If you cannot put your love in some action, let it go.

Your brother in Heaven,

Judas

Lessons in Humility - part 3

This past month has been particularly challenging for me - lots of emotions have been wanting to surface and I have not been very humble with this process.  Far too often I have not allowed the full expression of the emotions and have probably been wasting a lot of time - this is not humility.  Today I realized that I have been allowing myself to be a slave to my fear and this is where I now need to start - but that's another post.  Here is the long awaited third part to lessons in humility.  Hopefully it will not be so long before part four gets posted.

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Humility Session 3 – Humility in Practice 

1.     Humility is the doorway to Truth.  The truths that we do not accept are the most difficult to work through.

The past month has seen me skirt around this truth and therefore I have not been very humble.  I have been avoiding God’s Truth on many issues and pretending to be better than I really am.  As I write this now I feel a sense of shame creeping in.  I am a fraud!  But while I have been avoiding many truths in the past month I have to be careful that I do not revert to the old pattern of blaming or belittling myself.  I need to remind myself, yet again, that there is nothing that I can do that God cannot forgive and I need to have some compassion for myself – something that I am still learning to do.

2.     Humility is a willingness to be overwhelmed by your own emotions and by God.  It is an openness to God’s Truth and Love.  It begins with opening your heart to yourself first and then opening your heart to God’s emotions – allowing yourself to become overwhelmed.

The thing I struggle with most here is opening my heart to myself – having compassion for my injured self and not berating myself when I do not get it ‘right’!  There have been times when I have been able to do this and as a result I have been able to connect to God’s emotions and allow the overwhelm to embrace me.  There are still far too many times when I resist humility, mostly out of fear of judgement and/or ridicule.  I am holding onto this emotion rather than allowing it to be released.  Why?

3.     Humility is self-awareness.  It is not a false sense of being lower than others and it is a willingness to see yourself as you really are – as God sees you. Humility accepts that God knows everything and is willing to discover what God knows.

As I go through these points that I have noted from this discussion I realize that I have a very long way to go before I become truly humble. The truth is that far too much of the time I do feel that I am less that others – I am not worthy of God’s Love and in this state God connot connect to me because I am not being in truth.  If I was being truly humble I would allow these feelings of unworthiness to bubble forth out of my soul and allow God’s Truth to enter – that I am the greatest of Her Creation and the most wonderful of Her handiworks and the object of Her great Love and tender care. But I would still rather hold onto the false belief that I am less than and as long as I hold onto that I can never become truly humble.  If I am willing to see myself as God truly sees me I would accept that I am powerful beyond measure and capable of greatness – we all are.  But I still fight what God wants me to see and feel.  I am not very humble at all and my willingness to discover what God knows is still very tentative and uncertain.  Actually a better word would be resistive. And resistance indicates a lack of humility.

4.     There is a HUGE emotion of condemnation of being wrong on the planet and condemnation of another is a lack of humility.  Humility does not impose its own emotions onto others; it understands (and has compassion).

This is a big emotion for me – fear of being wrong. And so far I have not been willing to really challenge this emotion – if I had been it would not hold such power over me as it does.  Consequently, I occasionally find myself judging others but much more often, judging myself.  And this is not humility either – it is fear!

5.     You need to consciously desire to connect to your own soul and desire wholeheartedly to experience all emotions all the time.

While I feel that I do consciously desire to connect to my own soul I do not desire wholeheartedly to experience all my emotions as they arise.  If I did I would not be so resistive to God’s truth and I would not honour fear.  The question then is – how do I cultivate this desire to wholeheartedly feel all of my emotions as they arise?  I feel that faith and prayer are the answers here as well as consciously activating my own will in this regard.

6.     Humility is a willingness to take responsibility for my own error without reservation.  Only I can feel my pain no matter how it got in me.  Humility is a choice to grow in love.

I feel that this is one area of humility that I am OK at.  I accept that only I can feel my own pain and I have come to learn that it is the choices that I have made over my lifetime that have enhanced the errors.  I have always had free will but I have not always used that will in a loving way.  The movie “August Rush” really helped me to understand this.

7.     Emotions that influence Humility – fear of humiliation – investment in the opinions of others – needing nice feelings from others.  Deal with these emotions first.

Fear of humiliation – check; investment in the opinions of others – check; needing nice feelings from others – check!  Crap!!!  Fear of humiliation is a big one for me – all those school assemblies being hauled out in front of the whole school and being ridiculed because I ‘did something wrong’!  What was that all about and how could it possibly instil more loving behaviour in others?  Consequently this emotion piggybacks into the others – if others think I am OK I’ll avoid humiliation and they’ll like me.  This has been my whole life – seeking the approval of others, avoiding humiliation and in the process I have lost sight of my real self which makes it much more difficult now to reconnect with the me that God created because the façade self has become so powerful.  And I now have to wade through this mountain of façade in order to become truly humble.  Fortunately God is patient and compassionate – something I am slowly learning to be with myself.

8.     The Law of Attraction shows the way – pay attention and choose to act.

While I am getting better at noticing what the Law of Attraction is showing me I am still very slow in recognizing it.  It is often not until several minutes (on a good day), hours or even days before I recognize what God was trying to show me.   But I am learning to reflect more and trying not to berate myself for being slow and I find that when the penny does drop I am allowing the connection to the truth much more easily – so that’s progress I guess!

9.     Humility is seeing yourself as you really are and be willing to take responsibility for that.  It is a willingness to feel your own damage and a willingness to be your real self in public.  True humility is not involved in lying, deceit or façade.

I can see how I have grown in this area and find that I am becoming much more real with myself and God most of the time (not all the time though). It is becoming easier to be my real self in public although there are still a few people who I guard my real self from. And it is becoming easier to be truthful with most people but I do still occasionally catch myself avoiding truth and if I can I attempt to correct that.

10.  You need to look at the fears below the addiction.  Step 1 – identify the addiction and reflect; Step 2 - identify the fears below the addiction; Step 3 – embrace the steps for discovering the truth.

Facing fear is something I have a LOT of trouble with which makes this process difficult for me to engage. Consequently I do not always identify the addiction – mostly I want to hold onto the addiction because it feels familiar and comfortable, even rewarding.  But fear is the biggest cause of disharmony on this planet and if I am to have any hope of helping this earth to become a more loving place then I need to confront my fears.  I am getting better at this – with some fears.  Time to challenge ALL fears.

11.   Humility means working with the resources in your own location to create abundance.

So I guess this means becoming truly God-reliant.   Allowing God to show me what gifts He has provided for us in my local area and how these gifts can be used for the benefit of all.  I am a long way from stepping into this at the moment – I have so many fears still of making a fatal mistake.

12.  How do I contribute to the oppression of poorer peoples or nations?

If I am being totally honest here I would have to admit that by pandering to my fears of lack of abundance and therefore creating much more waste than is necessary I am contributing to the oppression of the poor. This is a fear that I am still unwilling to face/challenge.  Why is this?  What am I afraid of? Purchasing goods that are cheap but not ethical also contributes to the oppression of others and I have been guilty of this also – fear of lack – again.  I really need to look at this.

13.  God helps us constantly through the Law of Attraction, other people, animals (reflect our soul condition) and all creation (reflect our collective soul condition).  When we are willing to be truthfully taught by God we will have no emotional resistance and an openness to emotional communication with God and others. 

As I am going over these notes I realize just how far I have to go to becoming truly humble.  Far too often I disregard, ignore of just miss what the LoA is telling me and I am still unwilling to feel what our domestic pets are telling me and I have a tendency to blame everyone else for unfavourable weather conditions – its not my fault – its everyone else who needs to get their act together – what arrogance!!! CRAP!  I still have so much to learn about humility!

14.  My actions are a reflection of my true soul condition and demonstrate where I am out of harmony with Love and Truth.  If I am truly living in my damaged self (as opposed to my façade self) I will see where and why I am not humble AND be willing to address the reasons why.  I will work through the blocks that I have to truth.

I guess if I am being truly honest I would have to admit that at least half of the time my actions are out of harmony with truth and love and are based upon addiction – probably more than this.  But I do strive to live in my damaged self and be real with everyone around me no matter how challenging that might be – I am not always successful but can usually see upon reflection how I have failed in this area and can then pray about this.  Lately I have been really struggling with working through my blocks to humility and am realizing that it is because I have not been truthful with myself with what is really going on.  I had a big realization about this today and as a result I was able to connect with my guides and gain some truth that I am still to work fully through – but it is a start.  What I have found is that God ALWAYS helps me when I am in truth – if I feel that God is not helping me than I have only to look at myself and the resistance I have to truth and sincerely pray about that – God always comes through for me.

15.  Humility is putting into practice what you have learnt.

So – how do I do this? Do I do this? Challenging my fears more consistently.  Learning to step into God-reliance. Being truthful with myself and others as much as possible and correcting my mistakes when I recognize them. Learning to put my relationship with God above all other relationships and feeling the fear that that brings up, especially when I put God and myself before family.

16.  Humility is being totally open to guides.  It is developing a longing for feedback from more loving people and it embraces truth.  Am I willing to be refined by God?

The thing I have the most difficulty with here is connecting with my guides and I am beginning to see that when I am out of harmony with love and truth I block their connection and when I am truthful with myself and God the connection is easier and clearer so this is a big indication of my level of humility (or lack of it).  I do have a strong desire for truth and truthful feedback and am willing to embrace truth as I have found it the fastest way to grow through the pain and errors.  Intellectually I feel that I am willing to be refined by God but my resistance to truth at times tells me otherwise – this is a work in progress.

17.  Am I willing to stand for truth and love no matter what the circumstances – even if it means that I risk losing everything?

Honestly, I would have to say – not quite yet.  I have a lot of fear to work through to get to this point but it is only in challenging the fear that I will get there.  What is stopping me? Fear?  Then it becomes a vicious cycle doesn’t it?  I am learning that fear is the biggest impediment that I have to true humility and fear prevents me from trusting God – I am making fear my god and that has to stop.  Courage and faith will lead me to Humility and prayer will lead me to courage and faith.  Please God, help me to overcome all the resistance that I have to true humility.  Teach me to love.

Humility in Practice - Learning to embrace Every opportunity and God's great Love.

This journey towards understanding and living humility is much more challenging that I thought and it is taking longer than I had imagined.  I guess that is a good thing.  In the midst of the final wedding preparations for my youngest daughter's wedding I am finding that I am easily distracted by earthly things and not taking every opportunity to focus and grow in humility.  My reflections on the second interview on humility will follow in the coming days in the meanwhile I would like to share this entry from my journal from this morning as I feel that it fits well here.

Thursday 9^th May 2013

This past week has been one of resistance.  Everything has been difficult.  I have been tired all of the time and not sleeping very well.  Lots of fear is coming up when I go to bed at night and it is often well past midnight before I get to sleep. I feel overwhelmed and confused and have been making very poor food choices – not eating vegan and as a result eating foods that I am now finding disagree with me – mostly white bread and dairy which have been my comfort foods.  I guess God is showing me that what appears to be short term comfort actually produces long term discomfort. It is just not worth it! And all this is occurring I the midst of a two month focus on humility!  It is showing me that I am not yet very humble and that I do not yet trust God fully. And I am paying the price for this!

There have been many opportunities to welcome humility in the past couple of weeks, some of which I have embraced, many of which I have brushed aside. And I am realizing over and over again just how far away I feel from God on a moment by moment basis.

But then, in the midst of my denial and avoidance there have been some precious moments of connection - both with God and with my ever-patient soulmate.

And this is what keeps me going.

It is as if God is reaching out a hand and touching my heart and saying “I’m still here – do not give up”.

I am so very grateful for these moments of connection, however fleeting they may be, because they remind me of God’s unwavering Love and bring me back to myself.  Without these precious moments of connection it would be all too easy to give up and go back to a life of avoidance and addiction, of blindness and error. 

But these moments are so powerful and moving and it is as if I can hear God saying “Don’t give up. I am here with you every step of the way.  I will never leave you.  You are not alone.  Have faith and you will find your way back to Me. I will help you clear away all of the muck and debris that blocks your path home. Trust this. Do not give up.  The road back is fraught with danger while the road ahead might be bumpy, and at times seem overwhelming, it is the only way home and you must have faith and courage and forge ahead.  I am waiting to show you My Kingdom.  I am walking beside you every step of the way.  Turn to Me when in doubt and I will find a way to help you.  Trust this.  Trust Me. I love you – you are my precious child and you are only just beginning to tap into and understand the depth of My Love for you.  Don’t give up. Stay the course and your rewards will be great.  Trust this.  Trust My Love for you. I am here with you. Always.”

As I write this I can feel my heart opening and tears are flowing as the warmth of the autumn sun caresses my back and the cool autumn breeze kisses my face.  This has come through me and not from me and I am grateful.  I know that God is real and that She is kind, patient, loving and persistent.  She does not judge, she just observes and waits and Loves.  And I realize that these are qualities that are still so foreign to me that I find myself longing to be like God in these qualities. Far too often I find myself becoming impatient, judging or criticizing myself or others or just giving up temporarily because it all seems too hard.

And it is hard because I do not yet fully trust God in this process. And because I am not yet humble enough to simply embrace what God is trying to teach me without question. I find that I still question everything  - I still look for an easier way out.  I still look for that ever elusive fast forward button – and there is none! There is only here and now - this moment. My challenge it to learn to embrace every moment and to be fully present in my life.  To learn to catch myself drifting away without judgement or criticism and have empathy and compassion for my injured self – without excuses!  I need to let go of despair and doubt and embrace humility more fully and completely.  I need to grow in faith and hope that God’s Love can and will transform my soul if I will allow it.

I pray for more moments of deep connection to light my path.

Where would I be without God in my life? What would my life look like? I can only imagine the answers to these questions.  So, for me now the only way forward is with God. 

Please Mother teach me to trust. Teach me to embrace fully every opportunity that You give me to grow in humility and love.  Please Father, help me to overcome the obstacles that prevent Your Love from transforming my soul into a divine child of God. Teach me to love.

Connecting to Mother God and Facing Personal Truth

For most of my life I have struggled to connect with Mother God.  I was taught that God was a wrathful, vengeful male who would exact punishment for my every wrongdoing. God is my Father.  Not until I was in my forties did I consider that God could also be my Mother.  And this brought up a lot of confusion and guilt for me.  Would I be struck down for daring to consider that there was a Feminine nature to God?  After all, the Catholic Church has promoted a very masculine and powerful God and this seemed to be supported by teachings in the Bible. Who was I then, to even consider challenging this concept?

Then I met AJ Miller, a man claiming to be Jesus of the first century.  And I began to question everything I thought I knew about God.  The bible teaches us that God created Man in His image.  If this is a truth and God created both male and female, would it not then stand to reason that God must also have both masculine and feminine qualities?  Could it be that God is both my Mother and my Father? 

If I allow myself to feel God’s truth on this matter I can see that there are distinct differences between the masculine and feminine qualities of Mankind.  Surely then this would indicate that God, the Supreme Creator of all that is, would also have distinct masculine and feminine qualities? If not how would He know what the feminine was?

I feel that this is the truth but I struggle to connect to my Mother God.  Why is this?   

In an attempt to connect more fully with my Mother God I have again listened to the talk on “Emotions and the Mother Taboo” . At around 51mins into the talk AJ shared this statement “When you suppress anger what finishes up happening is called resentment … if you are a woman suppressing anger towards mother you’re going to end up resenting yourself as a woman as well as resenting your mother.  It is the same if you are a man suppressing your anger towards your father.” And I had to accept the truth that I do indeed resent myself as a woman. I do not yet know how to love myself as a woman, warts and all.

Unless I am willing to face the truth of these emotions in my soul I will never be able to fully connect to my Mother God. I have been praying about this a lot lately and finally found the courage to write honestly about how I feel about the feminine.  It has taken me three and a half years to get to this point (I’m a bit stubborn and a low learner)! This is an exercise I would encourage everyone to do – both towards the feminine and the masculine.  I will not share the list with you here as it is long – a couple of pages – but I will share how I came up with the list. 

After praying to God to show me the truth about how I feel about the feminine I wrote whatever came to mind about women – every woman I have ever had a negative encounter with – my mother, teachers, nuns, acquaintances, friends, sisters, colleagues, shop assistants – and rolled them all into one ‘she’.  I included everything I could remember from when I felt hurt or betrayed by a woman (and I’m sure there are more still to be included).  This has been a very cathartic experience and has brought up a lot of anger, rage and grief for me to feel into. As I was feeling into some aspects of my ‘list’ I began to realize that I myself have some of these traits that have caused me so much pain and that I too have inflicted pain upon others because of these unhealed errors in my soul – more grief, remorse and shame flowed!  Unfortunately the objects of this pain has all too often been our children.  I asked God these questions - How could I do this to them?  Why did I do this to them?

And this is what I realized about myself:

I didn’t want to feel powerless. I wanted to feel in control.

I wanted to be respected – not brushed aside.

I wanted to be listened to – not ignored.

I didn’t want to feel how out of control my life felt – how powerless I felt.  I wanted to feel powerful.

I wanted to be noticed – not ignored.

At times I allowed anger to take control. I didn’t care about the children in these instances, about how they felt – I only wanted to avoid my pain.  I was like the devil incarnated.  I wanted to punish them for my weaknesses and fears.  I didn’t even care or think about how my rage would affect them – I just wanted some sort of control in a life that I felt I had no control over.

I wanted respect but went about gaining it the wrong way – no one ever respects a person who threatens and uses violence to get what they want.  Only fear responds in a façade of respect.  This is NOT Love!  I used a weapon against my own children – how could this possibly be love?  It is NOT.  It is REVENGE!!! I wanted revenge on my parents and on the priests and nuns and teachers who instilled fear in me but they were out of my reach so I took out my revenge upon my own children – innocent souls entrusted to me by God and I abused that trust because I wanted to avoid feeling powerless.  I wanted to avoid feeling unloved.

So much shame, remorse and grief needed to be experienced in order to even receive these truths from my guides and I am grateful for their assistance.  I pray that my children can forgive me.  I pray that I can learn to forgive myself.  I am struggling with this. As I worked my way through this one of my guides – Peter taught me about forgiveness.  I will post his message in the next couple of days as this is already a long post.

My prayer is that we will all have the courage and the willingness to begin this process of healing through Truth and Love.  It takes courage, determination, persistence, faith and humility and I often find myself resisting the process.  Prayer is the only way through it. Humility is what I struggle with most.  I have found that I have been under a lot of spirit attack (mostly on my physical body – cuts, burns, rashes, tinea, pain on my left side) since I began this earnest quest to know God’s Truth about the feminine – about my real self – in order to connect more fully with my Mother God. But I know that with God’s Love and guidance I will get through it.  I will one day know and understand the feminine aspects of God - my Mother God…. One day!

I wish you well on your own personal journey towards God and healing.

With love

Linda

Resistance and Rebellion

Resistance serves no useful purpose.  Resistance is avoidance.  Resistance is very unloving, both to yourself and to the universe.  I am coming to understand this after having been in resistance to my emotions and God’s Truth for the past couple of weeks.  This past week I have been feeling awful!  Lifeless.  Achy. Unmotivated. And cycling through phases of intense heat and at times cold – in other words I have been avoiding large amounts of anger, rage and fear and I have been paying the price for it. 

Why? 

The only answer I can come up with right now is to realize just how little love I have for myself.  Perhaps this even borders on self-loathing! Again I have to ask - Why?  And I am afraid to find out the answers.  I must be, otherwise I would succumb to the emotions, trusting in God’s Love and allow the emotions to show me the truth.  But I have not been doing that.  Fear! Fear of the truth.  Fear of the anger and rage that is within my soul. Fear of other people’s judgement and condemnation because I choose to be different, I choose to make some sort of effort to uncover the real me.  Fear of my own judgement and condemnation – ‘this feels ridiculous’; ‘I hate anger’; ‘anger serves no useful purpose’. None of this is helpful.  In fact it is all down right harmful – both to my soul and to the environment and those around me. 

How little I know about love.  How little I choose to engage in the process of love and discovering the healing power of love.

So I wanted to understand more fully this thing called Resistance. Dictionary.com describes resistance as the act or power of resisting, opposing, or withstanding or in Psychiatry it is the opposition to an attempt to bring repressed thoughts or feelings into consciousness. This is exactly what I have been doing. Opposing any attempts to bring repressed thoughts or feelings into consciousness – opposing God’s Love and laws and withstanding any attempts on my part to uncover my hidden self.  The question is WHY?

Oxford dictionary describes resistance as the refusal to accept or comply with something: So I can only assume that when I am in resistance to God’s Truth and Love I am refusing to accept God’s Truth and refusing to comply with God’s Laws. And this is what is causing me this pain and discomfort and draining me of energy. It has taken a bit to recognize this and to acknowledge to myself that I still have a HUGE resistance to authority. In recognizing this I have begun to challenge this resistance very simply by attempting to obey ALL road rules.  It has been an interesting experiment as I drive along in 60km zones which could quite safely be 70km or even 80km zones or in a 40km zone where it feels painful to be going that slow and feel the anger rising within me (most often as subtly as mild frustration) and the projections of anger from those behind me.

Resistance is also a form of rebellion the action or process of resisting authority, control, or convention: also opposition to authority; being unwilling to obey rules or accept normal standards of behaviour, dress, etc. So when I am in resistance I am also rebelling against God’s authority just as the first parents did.  I am beginning to understand this now but still there is a resistance in me to changing this.  I don’t want to be different.  I want to fit in.  I have wanted this all of my life and this is why I have created such an elaborate façade self.  A false sense of who I really am, created in order to avoid the pain I feel at being rejected for my real self. 

Finding my way back there is difficult, especially as I continue to hold on to resistance and act rebelliously.  I want to blame spirits with me for this rebellion and resistance but the truth is that while spirits may influence my behaviour they do so only because I allow it.  I am totally responsible for the effects of the resistance that I am feeling and I need to allow myself to feel what it is that I am gaining through this interaction with spirits and be willing to let that go and allow God in.  I’m not sure if I really want to do that.  Not yet anyway. Why is this? 

As I struggle to come to terms with my injured self I find myself looking for reassurance – a hand to hold – a smile – an encouraging word and I do not yet know how to get that directly from God.  I wish I could understand why this is so and how to change this.  For now all I can do is pray for God’s guidance but in my resistance and rebellion I don’t even feel worthy of that. I feel that as long as I hold on to resistance and rebellion I have no right to ask for God’s help and so I find myself in somewhat of a quandary.  What do I do now?  But if I have faith in a God who is all holy, loving, giving and merciful I have to believe that God will assist me through this rebellious phase as long as I am willing to face the truth and have the courage to accept full responsibility for this situation I now find myself in.  I have to trust that God is on my side and not push Him away as I have been doing.  I need to learn to be truly humble.  I need to learn to trust God completely or I will never become at one with Her (I use the feminine aspect of God here because I feel that it is the feminine that I am resisting the most and have the most difficulty connecting with at this point).

Please God, help me to let go of resistance and control.  Teach me to be truly humble.  Teach me to love myself so that I may be able to love others.

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I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and still find myself oscillating between resistance and passion and desire.  there is much here for me to learn still.  I hope it is of some assistance to you.

Love

Linda

20.01.13 

Resistance and Change

The last couple of days I have been travelling, praying and feeling into some emotions that are coming up for me.  At the moment I am recognizing just how much resistance I have in me to unlocking the truth of the errors in my soul.  I am also recognizing that the desire that I thought I had for God and truth is really very small and I feel like a failure at the moment - like nothing I do will ever be good enough.  Yesterday on my way home from Uralla (having been to a talk at Kyabra the previous night) I stopped at Giroween National Park near Stanthorpe in Qld.  It was here as I sat and watched the water flowing over the huge granite boulders, some of which have worn away creating cracks and crevices in the river bed, that I received the following message.  I am sharing it here with the understanding that I do not consider myself to be a medium and am still very uncertain of the accuracy of these messages.  Please recognize that this, and any other such messages that I post here are received through the filters of my own errors and may not be 100% accurate.  I encourage you to feel into the messages and make your own assesments of the level of truth contained therein.

Received 15^th December at Giraween National Park. Qld

Have you ever considered how a free flowing stream will eventually wear away even the toughest rocks?  So it is with God’s Love. When you allow God’s Love to wash over you soul He will wear away the resistance of even the most hardened heart.

Allow God’s Love to continually wash over you.  Pray for His Love to enter your soul and eventually all of your resistances will crumble and wash away, just as the toughest granite will eventually wear down to mere grains of sand as the gentle stream washes over it, until it is completely broken down and the landscape is made anew.

God’s creation is all around you.  Observe it.  Learn from it.  For surely that which He does for the lowliest of His creations He will do for you, the greatest of His creation and even greater things.

Learn to bend and adapt just as nature does.

Do not offer resistance to change for change is an integral part of God’s landscape and that includes you and all of His children.

Learn to trust this for you will need to be able to rest in the certainty of this truth in the coming months and years.

With love

Margaret

Where are You Father?

It has been a few weeks since I posted anything new, this is mostly because I have been resisting a lot of emotions and struggling with fear. I had lost sight of God as the central focus in my life and I paid dearly for this. I continued to pray to God for guidance and for the courage and the willingness to face the truth. Today my prayers were answered and I share now with you the struggles that I have been facing. It took several hours to write this letter to God as I worked my way through the emotins that came up while writing, finally, after a couple of hours a picture emerged and I was able to gain some clarity around the emotion. I hope this is of some benefit to you.

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06.07.11

Where are You Father? Are You here? Lately I have been struggling to feel Your presence in my life and I do not understand why I have shut You out so! Father, I know form experience that my life flows much more smoothly when You remain at the centre of my thoughts, so why have I abandoned You? Why have I allowed myself to get so caught up in day to day events? Because of this I now find myself struggling with many aspects of my life and I don’t understand it! What causes me to turn away from You? How can I open my soul to the truth of these emotions Father so that I may release these errors that me from connecting more fully with You?

I pray often Father, but my prayers go unheard and unanswered – why? What is the error in my soul that needs to be released right now in order for me to allow Your love back into my life? How can I do this Father? Dare I ask who will help me? Or perhaps You want me to know that only I can reach into the dark recesses of my soul to release the pain hidden there. But I have tried Father, I have tried and it seems that I am weak and cowardly and don’t yet want to go there fully. Can You please help me to have the courage and the willingness to face this truth which is preventing me from having a deeper connection with You? Please!

I seem to be so overrun with doubt and fear at the moment Father and I am struggling to understand why this is so. It is difficult what You ask of me Father, to be in this world but not of this world, it is difficult to be truly open and humble in the midst of people who are so driven by fear and avoidance and I recognize myself in them Father. I recognize my own cowardice and avoidance and I feel such deep shame at this for I know it means that I do not yet trust You fully! Please help me to overcome this fear that I have, lift this burden of shame form my soul so that I may come to know You more fully, so that I may have the courage to serve You more completely, so that I may learn to be a beacon of light and love and hope in a world filled with darkness, fear and confusion.

I still struggle to understand why me Father! Why is it that I am amongst the few who are as yet open to learning Your truths and have the privilege of learning directly from Yeshua and Mary? How is that possible Father when I feel so small and insignificant, so incomplete and broken! What could I possibly have to offer that someone else doesn’t already have? What is special about me? How can I best serve You Father as well as my brothers and sisters? What is the gift that You have given me that will enable me to serve You most completely? Can You please help me to overcome the blocks that I have to uncovering this gift, the fear of ridicule and rejection that is still so deeply imbedded in my soul?

Why do I feel so helpless and useless Father? Will I ever find the courage to face the truth of this injury in my soul? Only You can help me Father, only You! Please help me to find the courage and the willingness to face the darkness in my soul and to step out from the shadows and into the glory of Your Light and Love! It feels safe here in my darkness. Here in the shadows I can pretend that everything is alright, I can pretend that I am not broken lying discarded on a pile of rocks, numb to my pain and discomfort. But if I step into the light Father I will have to face the truth of my injured self, I will have to see myself as I really am, as You seem me and that feels terrifying! But I am beginning to recognize these rocks that I am laying on Father and they are uncomfortable, at times painful and I realize that my only chance of freedom is to find the courage to step into the light and face the truth of my bruised and battered soul.

Will You hold my hand Father as I step gingerly into the light? Will You help me find the courage to face the truth and release my fear, my pain, my shame? Do I have the courage to face the ugliness, the distortions and KNOW that You love me anyway, that You know who I truly am and that that child is perfect? Can I allow myself to feel the truth in this, to KNOW that You created me to be a unique and beautiful soul full of potential and passion? Dare I hope that this is True? This seems so unlikely Father, so far removed from my experiences that it is difficult to grasp – that You see my errors, my distortions, my ugliness and You love me anyway because You see beyond my wounds to the perfect child that You created, to the boundless potential that You inspired in my soul! To me this is as yet incomprehensible and yet somewhere deep within my soul something is stirring, an inkling that perhaps this IS the truth, that You created me a perfect, unblemished child full of passion and potential. An inkling is stirring in my soul Mother, a longing to know the truth of who You created me to be, to know who I am. Who am I? Who am I? Who is this child who was created perfect in natural love and how did she become the broken, confused and frightened child she is now? How can I free my soul of these chains that bind and restrict me? How can I learn to love, to let my spirit soar? How can I uncover my passions and live up to my potential?

Only You can help me Father, only You can break apart these chains that bind me and free my soul of its errors. Help me to have the courage to step out of the darkness and into the light of Your Love!

Linda
06.07.11

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Then this followed

How can I thank You for Your love

How can I thank You for Your love
Your patience
Your kindness
Your mercy?
What do I have to offer that could possibly express to You
My gratitude, my deep appreciation for all that You have given me?

You patiently watch over me and wait for me to understand
To realize that it is I who hold the key to my own salvation,
That You are always there waiting for me to recognize my errors,
My weaknesses and to surrender to the grief and pain
That has gripped my soul for so many years,
Holding tight, binding me, restricting me,
Preventing me from becoming all that You intended me to be.

Bit by bit I can feel the chains break away.
Bit by bit my soul regains its freedom.
A freedom lost in childhood, clouded over by fear and pain,
Muddied by doubt and confusion.
But as I allow myself to surrender to this pain
As I find the courage to face the fears and doubts
Your love begins to wash me clean
Revealing a hidden beauty full of passion and potential.
How can I thank You for Your Love,
Your patience,
Your kindness,
Your mercy?

I give to You all that I am in this moment,
Still broken, still unsure but beginning to understand,
Learning to love and to trust.
I give to You all that I may become,
My hopes and dreams of one day becoming whole again
Of one day seeing You face to face
Whole, restored to the perfect child that You created me to be
And even greater than that knowing that Your Love fills my soul
And overflows to all that I encounter.

I give You all that I am and all that I am ever capable of becoming
For it is Your Love that sets me free
Your Love that reveals the hidden me.
Thank You for Your Love,
Your patience,
Your kindness,
Your mercy.
Thank You for loving Me!

Linda
06.07.11