Arrogance, Truth and New Beginnings

 It has been some time since I last wrote – over a year in fact.  At the assistance group with Jesus, Mary and Cornelius last August I was confronted with some very uncomfortable truths which sent my world into a spin. It has taken me much of this time to return from the stratosphere of emotional turmoil and feel centered enough to start writing again. In this time I have been searching for the little pieces of my shattered soul in an attempt to begin the arduous task of piecing the puzzle back together again.  I am not sure if I am yet capable of tackling this task or even if I really want to at a soul level.  This is a massive revelation for me and it is really quite shocking.

At the end of July last year I attended a ten day retreat in the beautiful Monkeri Valley in the foothills of the Barrington Tops in New South Wales with Jesus, Mary and Cornelius.  They termed it the ‘Assistance Groups’  and the aim was to bring together  people who are interested in learning about God’s Truth and growing in Divine Love.  It was an immense privilege, I feel, to be invited to attend this workshop.

It can be very cold in this region at this time of year and we were blessed with beautiful winter’s weather – cold and fresh but not unbearably freezing as it had been a few weeks prior. I was extremely grateful that I was able to secure a single room as this gave me the space I needed to feel into the emotions that surfaced during the time there.

Over the course of the retreat Jesus, Mary and Cornelius expanded and deepened teachings that had already been presented on Truth, Love, God, the soul and more. And they offered their feedback (in a group setting) to a few who were brave enough to expose their errors publicly in a bid to grow in Love.

I recognize now, and this was a hugely shocking revelation for me, how arrogant I have become since awakening to God’s Truth and Love.  It is a trap that many fall into on this path, this Way to God.  But it really took a comment from Jesus, which hit me smack bang in the face, to wake me up. His comment (that I am assuming that John is my soulmate) totally took the wind out of my sails. 

What did this mean?

If you have read my earlier post on soulmates you will begin to see the depths of my dilemma.  This comment put me into such a spin that five months on I don’t think I have yet found my bearings.  Even now, some fourteen months on I am still struggling to find my way through the maze of confusion that has arisen as a result of this revelation.  Am I doing anything right? Has everything I have been doing been a lie? Has anything been real? How would I possibly know what is the truth and what is mischievous deception?

I cannot answer that yet – even now, over fourteen months later I still am not sure that I can answer that. I am still sifting through the debris of the fallout and trying to feel my way through this maze of lies, deception, truth, love, and hope.

Everything I think I know has been called into question.  Everything I thought I felt now has a dark cloud hanging over it. Everything.

I still feel strongly that John is my soulmate but I know that we are not in a soulmate relationship – not yet anyway.  This is something that we both must want wholeheartedly. It is something that can only happen when we both place God firmly at the center of our worlds.  And this is something that we both struggle with. While I feel that I have a strong desire for a relationship with God I have been forced to acknowledge, in a most shocking way, that I hold John up as my God.  And while ever I do this I am severely limiting my own progress towards having a real relationship with God.  It is impossible to have both. God must come first for any real progress to be made.

I am still reeling from this revelation.

I do not know what it means for me.  Am I strong enough, brave enough to desire a personal relationship with God above all else? I do not yet know. But I do know that I want to be.

There have been times when I have been very ragefull and resentful about the situation I now find myself in and many tears have been spilt as a result. But, what do I trust? What is the real truth? At this point I can’t answer that.  I have tried walking away from God and this Path to Love but that is too painful and the pull towards Love is too strong – I can’t do it.  At times I feel trapped and I get angry about that also.  But I have HUGE judgements about anger and I find it difficult to process through that.  The cushions and soft furnishings in the downstairs room are coping a great deal of bashing lately and the dust doesn’t settle for long! Old magazines are being torn to shreds in a bid to connect to and release some of the anger within my soul. But there is still so much yet to feel and at times I despair of ever breaking through the barriers that I have erected between me and God. 

I am learning just how unloving and destructive to the soul arrogance can be and how hard it is to let it go. I am also learning that the pull towards a relationship with God is stronger than any other kind of love that I have experienced and I am terrified of what that might mean for every other relationship.

I think I want 2016 to be the year for challenging addictions of every description – physical, emotional, food, relationships etc. Perhaps 2016 will be there year that I find the courage and the willingness to break down the barriers that prevent me from developing a relationship with God for real? Maybe this will be the year that I finally stop deceiving myself and learn to develop true humility? Because, in the end it doesn’t really matter right now if John is my soulmate, it only matters that love is the central premise of this and any other relationship.

And so I make this promise to myself – every day is a new beginning. Every day presents new opportunities to learn to love. I will strive to learn to let go of false teachings and unloving actions and thoughts – both about myself and others.  Every day I will reflect upon my thoughts and actions ask for forgiveness and guidance. Every day I will hold onto the hope that I truly am worthy of love and every day I will hold onto the faith I have that God is a loving, kind, forgiving and generous Being who wants all of His children (including me) to learn to grown in love and become at-one with Him.

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In a bid to help me break through some of these barriers to a real relationship with God, I was fortunate enough to work with a wonderful therapist in Ipswich.  The incredible lengthy sessions we have had together have focused mostly on assisting me to break through false beliefs and begin to see the truth about myself.  I have struggled with excess weight for many years and it doesn’t seem to matter what I try – nothing works – I can’t seem to shift the excess weight. I learnt from Linda that the emotions connected with the Thyroid is RAGE. If I can get past the blocks that I have about feeling and releasing the anger and rage that is buried deep within my soul (much of it generational) I can then begin to heal my body – but only then.   Working with Linda provided the permission I needed to feel the rage within my soul – but it is still a struggle and resistance is still high.

It is always reassuring to me to have the same message repeated by several different sources, this is when I know I need to pay attention. So when Linda began talking about many of the truths that I had been learning through Jesus and Mary I knew I was in the right place. It has been a huge gift to be able to work through some deeply buried issues in such a loving and accepting space and I feel blessed.

The other gift I have received in this time is the opportunity to work with a dear friend, Lainee, who has a gift for assisting others to access their deeper blocks. In the coming days and weeks I will share with you some of the revelations I have had following some profound emotional releases. From here on in I will endeavour to write regularly regardless of where I am at.  I hope and pray that I have scaled the barriers to growing humility but I wonder if in saying that I am displaying arrogance?  I do not know; but I do know that I have a strong desire to grow in Love and foster a relationship with God – my aim is to get to the place where my relationship with God becomes the most important relationship in my life – for all eternity. 

I hope that by sharing my journey with you, you might find little bits that will assist you in your own journey wherever that takes you.

Little Glimpses of Joy

Little Glimpses of Joy 

 It seems to me that the past fifteen years or so my life has been in chaos! At times, absolute chaos!!! Everything was difficult. Everything was a challenge. Life seemed to be constantly being propelled from one disaster or emergency to another, and we seemed to always be in the middle of it! Tragic deaths of close family members; serious illnesses of close family members; business disasters that seemed to go from one crises to another.

 For a while life was like a vortex spinning out of control and we just had to be carried along with it. Most of this I had no control over. Except for the business stuff, I had no part in its creation – well, that's what I believed at the time anyway. At times it was difficult to sleep. At times it was difficult to breathe. Most of the time it was difficult to get out of bed and face the day because I was afraid to see what disaster would greet me.  This seems a bit dramatic but if I were to just list the things that were happening in my life simultaneously during this time, no one would believe me. Even the people who watched and supported us through all this could not comprehend how one family could be hit with so many seemingly negative events one after another.

 I now know that this was our Law of Attraction – MY Law of Attraction ramping up to get me to look at the errors in my soul, that part of me that was out of harmony with Love and Truth and God's ultimate plan for me. This is the clearest way that God has of communicating with each of Her children to let us know if we are on track and in harmony with God's Love and Truth or if our life needs some adjusting. My life needed a LOT of adjusting!!!

 I have always had a connection to God – well, for as long as I can remember anyway. God has always been a staple part of my life and I consulted Him regularly, especially when things were not going so well (which was most of the time anyway). And I consulted Him when things were going well too! Any time spent in nature, at the beach or in the rain forest, or simply sitting on our veranda was spent with God.

 Looking back I can see the times when I turned to God in total despair and God revealed my errors to me and in the release of these errors His Love flowed into me. I remember these times clearly now. I just didn't understand what was really happening and how to replicate the reception of God's Love. Or how the reception of His Love could and would change my life for the better.

 Slowly, through trial and error, God showed me the way and my path eventually led me to AJ Miller. AJ claims to be the reincarnation of Jesus of Nazareth and I feel this to be true. The first time I watched his introductory DVD – The Secrets of the Universe, I felt this to be true. In shock and disbelief I watched as he spoke of truths of the universe that had not yet been understood or acknowledged by mankind on earth. Something about this presentation opened a door in my soul – and opened it wide! I became a follower of AJ's teachings and began to apply them in my life.

 As I slowly released errors from my soul, little pieces of the real me became revealed, in all of my injuries and sadness; my anger and rage; my shame and guilt; my fear and terror. Slowly but surely each of these errors has begun to be exposed and with God's Grace and guidance I have been walking a somewhat winding, and at times treacherous path back to God – to my real parent – and to myself!

 It seems to me that in the past fifteen years or so I have not really been living life – I have been existing. Too often I have been existing for the approval of others in the hope that I might gain their love, something that I desperately craved. And in the process I have been selling off little pieces of my soul. I too often forgot that God's Love was all that I needed to sustain me (Matthew 6 25-30), too often I still forget this truth! But as my soul has slowly been opening up to God's Truth and Love over the past four and a half years and little pieces of my soul have been restored. Bit by bit, one tiny piece at a time, my pristine soul is slowly being revealed and joy is beginning to return. It feels like it has been a long time since joy has been the driving factor in my life. In fact I could honestly say that this is the first time in my life that I am consciously aware that joy is more and more becoming the driving factor in my life; that passion and desire rather than approval is what motivates me in the decisions and choices that I now make.

 And it feels GREAT!!!!!

 It has been a long time since I looked forward to each new day with energy and excitement. And it has been a long time since I have been driven by a passion for life and love and all that I have to offer.

 And it feels GREAT!!!!

 So what has caused this seemingly sudden change you might ask?

 Well, for one thing, it has by no means been sudden! It has taken a commitment to honouring God's Love and Truth, as best I can, on a day to day basis; and a desire to grow in true humility to help me get here. It has required a willingness to fully feel all of my emotions as they arise and a willingness to feel God's Truth about the errors in my soul. Even now I am still too often resistant to God's Truth and Love. At times I still turn a blind eye to the messages that God is trying to tell me. Mostly because, for me anyway, letting go of 'control' and allowing God to direct my life still feels too scary!

 But, gradually I am learning to NOT let fear dictate my life. I am learning to acknowledge the fear, ask God for the truth and follow my heart. I am learning that no matter what decisions I may make – loving or otherwise, God always has my back – She will always be there with me every step of the way. I am learning to let go of the negative voices in my head – the ones that tell me that I can't do something that I really want to do; the ones that tell me not to trust myself; the ones that tell me not to trust God, that God doesn't care about me, that I am nobody and I should never aspire to be somebody!

 Slowly, ever so slowly, I am learning that God DOES Love ME!!! And that God wants nothing more than for me to recognize my true potential and engage my unique talents and passions and in so doing bring another piece of the puzzle to God's universe. More and more joy and passion occupy my days. I get increasingly engrossed in projects and time just disappears. I am finally doing what I love most of the time, on most days of the week. There are still many addictions for me to work through but the path is becoming wider and clearer as more light is being let in. And joy is becoming an increasingly prominent part of each day.

 And it feels GREAT!!!!

Lessons in Humility - part 3

This past month has been particularly challenging for me - lots of emotions have been wanting to surface and I have not been very humble with this process.  Far too often I have not allowed the full expression of the emotions and have probably been wasting a lot of time - this is not humility.  Today I realized that I have been allowing myself to be a slave to my fear and this is where I now need to start - but that's another post.  Here is the long awaited third part to lessons in humility.  Hopefully it will not be so long before part four gets posted.

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Humility Session 3 – Humility in Practice 

1.     Humility is the doorway to Truth.  The truths that we do not accept are the most difficult to work through.

The past month has seen me skirt around this truth and therefore I have not been very humble.  I have been avoiding God’s Truth on many issues and pretending to be better than I really am.  As I write this now I feel a sense of shame creeping in.  I am a fraud!  But while I have been avoiding many truths in the past month I have to be careful that I do not revert to the old pattern of blaming or belittling myself.  I need to remind myself, yet again, that there is nothing that I can do that God cannot forgive and I need to have some compassion for myself – something that I am still learning to do.

2.     Humility is a willingness to be overwhelmed by your own emotions and by God.  It is an openness to God’s Truth and Love.  It begins with opening your heart to yourself first and then opening your heart to God’s emotions – allowing yourself to become overwhelmed.

The thing I struggle with most here is opening my heart to myself – having compassion for my injured self and not berating myself when I do not get it ‘right’!  There have been times when I have been able to do this and as a result I have been able to connect to God’s emotions and allow the overwhelm to embrace me.  There are still far too many times when I resist humility, mostly out of fear of judgement and/or ridicule.  I am holding onto this emotion rather than allowing it to be released.  Why?

3.     Humility is self-awareness.  It is not a false sense of being lower than others and it is a willingness to see yourself as you really are – as God sees you. Humility accepts that God knows everything and is willing to discover what God knows.

As I go through these points that I have noted from this discussion I realize that I have a very long way to go before I become truly humble. The truth is that far too much of the time I do feel that I am less that others – I am not worthy of God’s Love and in this state God connot connect to me because I am not being in truth.  If I was being truly humble I would allow these feelings of unworthiness to bubble forth out of my soul and allow God’s Truth to enter – that I am the greatest of Her Creation and the most wonderful of Her handiworks and the object of Her great Love and tender care. But I would still rather hold onto the false belief that I am less than and as long as I hold onto that I can never become truly humble.  If I am willing to see myself as God truly sees me I would accept that I am powerful beyond measure and capable of greatness – we all are.  But I still fight what God wants me to see and feel.  I am not very humble at all and my willingness to discover what God knows is still very tentative and uncertain.  Actually a better word would be resistive. And resistance indicates a lack of humility.

4.     There is a HUGE emotion of condemnation of being wrong on the planet and condemnation of another is a lack of humility.  Humility does not impose its own emotions onto others; it understands (and has compassion).

This is a big emotion for me – fear of being wrong. And so far I have not been willing to really challenge this emotion – if I had been it would not hold such power over me as it does.  Consequently, I occasionally find myself judging others but much more often, judging myself.  And this is not humility either – it is fear!

5.     You need to consciously desire to connect to your own soul and desire wholeheartedly to experience all emotions all the time.

While I feel that I do consciously desire to connect to my own soul I do not desire wholeheartedly to experience all my emotions as they arise.  If I did I would not be so resistive to God’s truth and I would not honour fear.  The question then is – how do I cultivate this desire to wholeheartedly feel all of my emotions as they arise?  I feel that faith and prayer are the answers here as well as consciously activating my own will in this regard.

6.     Humility is a willingness to take responsibility for my own error without reservation.  Only I can feel my pain no matter how it got in me.  Humility is a choice to grow in love.

I feel that this is one area of humility that I am OK at.  I accept that only I can feel my own pain and I have come to learn that it is the choices that I have made over my lifetime that have enhanced the errors.  I have always had free will but I have not always used that will in a loving way.  The movie “August Rush” really helped me to understand this.

7.     Emotions that influence Humility – fear of humiliation – investment in the opinions of others – needing nice feelings from others.  Deal with these emotions first.

Fear of humiliation – check; investment in the opinions of others – check; needing nice feelings from others – check!  Crap!!!  Fear of humiliation is a big one for me – all those school assemblies being hauled out in front of the whole school and being ridiculed because I ‘did something wrong’!  What was that all about and how could it possibly instil more loving behaviour in others?  Consequently this emotion piggybacks into the others – if others think I am OK I’ll avoid humiliation and they’ll like me.  This has been my whole life – seeking the approval of others, avoiding humiliation and in the process I have lost sight of my real self which makes it much more difficult now to reconnect with the me that God created because the façade self has become so powerful.  And I now have to wade through this mountain of façade in order to become truly humble.  Fortunately God is patient and compassionate – something I am slowly learning to be with myself.

8.     The Law of Attraction shows the way – pay attention and choose to act.

While I am getting better at noticing what the Law of Attraction is showing me I am still very slow in recognizing it.  It is often not until several minutes (on a good day), hours or even days before I recognize what God was trying to show me.   But I am learning to reflect more and trying not to berate myself for being slow and I find that when the penny does drop I am allowing the connection to the truth much more easily – so that’s progress I guess!

9.     Humility is seeing yourself as you really are and be willing to take responsibility for that.  It is a willingness to feel your own damage and a willingness to be your real self in public.  True humility is not involved in lying, deceit or façade.

I can see how I have grown in this area and find that I am becoming much more real with myself and God most of the time (not all the time though). It is becoming easier to be my real self in public although there are still a few people who I guard my real self from. And it is becoming easier to be truthful with most people but I do still occasionally catch myself avoiding truth and if I can I attempt to correct that.

10.  You need to look at the fears below the addiction.  Step 1 – identify the addiction and reflect; Step 2 - identify the fears below the addiction; Step 3 – embrace the steps for discovering the truth.

Facing fear is something I have a LOT of trouble with which makes this process difficult for me to engage. Consequently I do not always identify the addiction – mostly I want to hold onto the addiction because it feels familiar and comfortable, even rewarding.  But fear is the biggest cause of disharmony on this planet and if I am to have any hope of helping this earth to become a more loving place then I need to confront my fears.  I am getting better at this – with some fears.  Time to challenge ALL fears.

11.   Humility means working with the resources in your own location to create abundance.

So I guess this means becoming truly God-reliant.   Allowing God to show me what gifts He has provided for us in my local area and how these gifts can be used for the benefit of all.  I am a long way from stepping into this at the moment – I have so many fears still of making a fatal mistake.

12.  How do I contribute to the oppression of poorer peoples or nations?

If I am being totally honest here I would have to admit that by pandering to my fears of lack of abundance and therefore creating much more waste than is necessary I am contributing to the oppression of the poor. This is a fear that I am still unwilling to face/challenge.  Why is this?  What am I afraid of? Purchasing goods that are cheap but not ethical also contributes to the oppression of others and I have been guilty of this also – fear of lack – again.  I really need to look at this.

13.  God helps us constantly through the Law of Attraction, other people, animals (reflect our soul condition) and all creation (reflect our collective soul condition).  When we are willing to be truthfully taught by God we will have no emotional resistance and an openness to emotional communication with God and others. 

As I am going over these notes I realize just how far I have to go to becoming truly humble.  Far too often I disregard, ignore of just miss what the LoA is telling me and I am still unwilling to feel what our domestic pets are telling me and I have a tendency to blame everyone else for unfavourable weather conditions – its not my fault – its everyone else who needs to get their act together – what arrogance!!! CRAP!  I still have so much to learn about humility!

14.  My actions are a reflection of my true soul condition and demonstrate where I am out of harmony with Love and Truth.  If I am truly living in my damaged self (as opposed to my façade self) I will see where and why I am not humble AND be willing to address the reasons why.  I will work through the blocks that I have to truth.

I guess if I am being truly honest I would have to admit that at least half of the time my actions are out of harmony with truth and love and are based upon addiction – probably more than this.  But I do strive to live in my damaged self and be real with everyone around me no matter how challenging that might be – I am not always successful but can usually see upon reflection how I have failed in this area and can then pray about this.  Lately I have been really struggling with working through my blocks to humility and am realizing that it is because I have not been truthful with myself with what is really going on.  I had a big realization about this today and as a result I was able to connect with my guides and gain some truth that I am still to work fully through – but it is a start.  What I have found is that God ALWAYS helps me when I am in truth – if I feel that God is not helping me than I have only to look at myself and the resistance I have to truth and sincerely pray about that – God always comes through for me.

15.  Humility is putting into practice what you have learnt.

So – how do I do this? Do I do this? Challenging my fears more consistently.  Learning to step into God-reliance. Being truthful with myself and others as much as possible and correcting my mistakes when I recognize them. Learning to put my relationship with God above all other relationships and feeling the fear that that brings up, especially when I put God and myself before family.

16.  Humility is being totally open to guides.  It is developing a longing for feedback from more loving people and it embraces truth.  Am I willing to be refined by God?

The thing I have the most difficulty with here is connecting with my guides and I am beginning to see that when I am out of harmony with love and truth I block their connection and when I am truthful with myself and God the connection is easier and clearer so this is a big indication of my level of humility (or lack of it).  I do have a strong desire for truth and truthful feedback and am willing to embrace truth as I have found it the fastest way to grow through the pain and errors.  Intellectually I feel that I am willing to be refined by God but my resistance to truth at times tells me otherwise – this is a work in progress.

17.  Am I willing to stand for truth and love no matter what the circumstances – even if it means that I risk losing everything?

Honestly, I would have to say – not quite yet.  I have a lot of fear to work through to get to this point but it is only in challenging the fear that I will get there.  What is stopping me? Fear?  Then it becomes a vicious cycle doesn’t it?  I am learning that fear is the biggest impediment that I have to true humility and fear prevents me from trusting God – I am making fear my god and that has to stop.  Courage and faith will lead me to Humility and prayer will lead me to courage and faith.  Please God, help me to overcome all the resistance that I have to true humility.  Teach me to love.

Reflections on Futility

This is part two of the challenge that Karen presented members of the Community team with. 

“Reflect upon futility.  There’s a whole world full of fences and not many people are wanting to take them down – metaphorically and literally.”

Reflections

What fences do I still have around my heart and what is preventing me from pulling these down?

When I reflected upon this I immediately saw a picture of a twisted, tangled mess of barbed wire around my heart – some old and rusty strands tangled in with others which were relatively new.  Some barbs I have been holding onto since childhood while others have recently been tangled into the mess of twisted confusion, fear and doubt.  First I must cut away the newer fences in order to access the older more painful barbs some of which dig into my heart causing it to bleed.  But true healing can only begin when I have the courage to grab the pliars and gently cut away and untangle the barbs one layer at a time, allowing the scratches and deeper wounds to heal slowly and completely.  If I were to pull fiercely at the tangled mess I would in all likelihood create great pain and distress.  The more loving approach is to remove the barbs slowly and completely, one at a time.  It is a slow process which requires patience, compassion and self-love without judgement.  Sometimes it will all seem too much for me and I will, and have, backed away in fear; but fear prevents me from moving forward so I must learn to trust and step into the fear having faith that God is guiding me in this process and helping me as much as I will allow Him to do so.  If I can apply this same process to the fences of the world I will come to understand that true change at a soul level is governed by love and truth and happens in stages – one step at a time.  I must be patient and be willing to remove my own fences, the barriers that I have to being more loving in my life.  I must learn to BE the change I want to see in the world as Ghandi taught and operate quietly in the background seeking neither approval nor recognition, but merely desiring to serve my brothers and sisters in love and truth and humility. I must remember that we are all on a unique journey and that God waits patiently for us to come to Him and never imposes His will upon us.  I must strive to become more God-like, anything else now seem futile.

Am I fully engaged in my passions and desires?

The short answer is NO and I can justify this until the cows come home but the truth is that I am not fully engaging my passions and desires because of fear – fear of making a mistake, fear of judgement, fear of condemnation, fear of being different.  But I am slowly allowing these passions and desires to gestate within my soul and feel that many are now preparing to be birthed in all of their glory and passion and in a way that will allow me to lovingly serve others and God using the gifts that He has given me.  I am now tentatively taking the first steps of desire, exploring my own soul, making mistakes and learning from these and then trying again in a more loving way.  I am finally beginning to learn what it means to allow God to teach me, and desiring to learn and uncover and grow these gifts that God has given me.

Do I want to develop my passions and desires in harmony with God’s Laws, Love and Truth and open my soul to learning from God?

Absolutely!  I have tried the other way – the path of self-reliance – the path of arrogance, wanting approval and recognition and it does not work – it is not sustainable because it is not loving either to myself or to others so now I find myself turning to God and wanting to learn to live God’s way, wanting to learn to love – myself and others.

Reflections on some Bible passage

1 John 2:15-17 …if any man love the world the love of the Father is not in him …

If I place greater priority upon the creation rather than the Creator I automatically limit myself.  This has been my path in the past – a path of self-reliance, not involving God much in the process and not trusting that God is a God if love and it has been a very limiting and debilitating path.  I am now choosing the path of God-reliance which being much harder is infinitely more rewarding.

1 Corinthians 9:19-23 … I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view … I didn’t just want to talk about it, I wanted to be in on it …

When I let go of judgement and allow myself to experience things from a different perspective it will open my soul to new experiences and new truths.  I am only just beginning to understand this.  There have been so many times in my past when God has provided me with opportunities to enter the world of another and experience things from their point of view but my own arrogance and fear has prevented me from doing this – I chose self-reliance and self-justification over the opportunities that God was giving me and in so doing I have limited my growth and created more pain in my soul and the souls of others, the full force of which I must now feel and be repentant about if I am to truly heal my own soul and help to open the souls of others whom I have harmed to the potential of healing as well. Why then do I now expect that now that I have got it – at least intellectually – that others should get it as well.  This is the height of arrogance and exposes in me great errors uncovering the fears that I have been trying to avoid for most of my life – the fear of being different, fear of rejection, fear of condemnation, fear of judgement, fear of ridicule.  I want to hide and go unnoticed.  But hiding in fear does not allow me to enter a different world and consider a different perspective; it limits my growth and my potential and prevents God from teaching me in a loving way.

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There is still so much that I need to learn and chief amongst these is Humility.  I am still very much wanting to control everything about my life and still not trusting that God actually knows everything about me already and if I let go of my arrogance and pride then God will be able to teach me.  Arrogance and pride are such futile emotions and achieve nothing positive, so why then do I still guard them so closely?

Thank you Karen for givine me this opportunity to reflect more deeply upon the fences of my soul and the futile nature of the life I have been living for I realize now that anything other than true God-reliance is futile and limiting and I want to learn to be my true self, to be all that God created me to be - whatever that might be.  Please God, teach me to be truly Humble.

with love

Linda 

The War of Souls

I have been going over my workbooks for the past year or so and came across the following entry which very much fits with what I am feeling at the moment so I am sharing it here now also in the hope that rewriting it might help me to have the courage to face the deeper emotion that I am right now resisting.

With love

Linda

The war of the souls

There is a war raging inside of me, a war that I have little hope of understanding, let alone quelling and it is a war for my soul. The more I read, the more I listen, the more I discus with others is the more I become confused. What is real? What are these feelings rising within me and what do they mean? I wish I understood! Where is God in all of my torment and confusion? Yet, only I alone can answer the very questions that vex me! I, who knows so little, yet longs for so much, hold the key to my own salvation - if only I knew where to find it!! If only I would have the patience and persistence to sift through the debris and keep sifting until I find it!

There is a huge longing in my soul to know God and to know and understand His Laws and the depth of His love, and yet there is such a huge resistance within me to that longing. A fear that I can not explain, that I do not understand. At times this fear is so overpowering that I give in to it and I retreat from my longings, from my searching. Why?

I can not say, but I know that this constant struggle between desire and resistance is wearing me down. At times a sense of hopelessness engulfs me. It all seems too hard and I begin to doubt myself, to doubt even God! Then the horror of that doubt takes over and I cringe when I think how little faith I have, how little trust I have and I despair of ever understanding.

Why is it that I keep myself on this roller-coaster ride? Why do I keep participating in this tug-o-war for my soul? For it is only I who directs my soul, I who makes these choices that I do not understand. Do I have so little love for myself that I would keep myself in constant turmoil? Will I ever understand what it is to love unconditionally - Myself? God? My brothers and sisters?

Where are You God in all of my struggles? Jesus said "seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open unto you, ask and you will receive" and yet in all of my seeking, banging (for I am too impatient to knock politely) and asking I struggle to hear Your response Father, I can not find the key to unlock the door. But in all of my confusion and torment I will not give up, I will continue to knock, to seek, and to ask for Your guidance and support for I believe in Your Justice and Your Mercy. My soul is mine alone and only I, along with my soulmate and God can have any say in its growth and development.

I feel like I am drowning, drowning in self-pity and doubt and at times I fear that the others are winning, but I won't let that happen. I have faith in God and hope in His mercy, but right now I am in need of a guiding light, in need of a helping hand but from whence will it come?

I am tired God, tired of running away. Tired of struggling, always struggling! How can I change this? Is there anyone who understands, really understands? Why do I feel so alone and useless? These feelings that I have, are they longings or is it just a huge neediness inside of me that I need to let go of? Will anyone help me or am I compelled to walk this path alone?

I feel alone God. Alone and Lonely! Confused and frightened! Whom can I trust?

I do not want to keep dipping in and out God. Won't You please help me to have the courage and the willingness to brave the deepest, darkest depths of my soul? I can't go there alone Father and only You can help me. Only You can be my guide, and yet, without courage and the willingness to go there my efforts will be in vain! Won't You help me please? Help me to find the courage to face the darkest depths of my soul?

Grief engulfs me now and tears stream from my eyes, my nose drips and the flood gates open. I surrender to the grief. I don't know where it will take me, and I am not even sure that I care, I just want to free my soul of its burden in the hope that in doing so I will learn to love, really love, to love unconditionally God, myself, my soulmate, my brothers and sisters.

Take me Father for I am Yours and Yours alone. Shield me. Protect me. Guide me. Love me.

Where is she God in all of this, the little girl, where is she? Where is the one who hides in the corner alone and frightened? Whose pain does she share - her mother's? her father's? her ancestors? her own? She feels alone Father, alone and frightened, so little and so fragile, so afraid and confused and she is turning inward. Looking for a sanctuary deep within her being, somewhere to hide, someone to trust. But there is no one and she feels alone, totally alone, and there is no one to trust so she goes deeper and deeper within. Hoping to escape her agony. Hoping to find solace in the depths of her soul, for she doesn't know where to turn, she doesn't know who to trust for in the past whenever she had trusted anyone in her few short years, she has been disappointed, hurt, abandoned and abused. They tried to crush her spirit but they will not succeed for there is a strength within her that she is beginning to understand that she possesses. So she turns inwards to herself and to God for only God could possible understand her pain, her agony, her loneliness.

Deeper and deeper she goes to that place that only she and God can reach. To that place where her secrets are safe, for she knows that God will not betray her as others have done. God is her friend, her only true friend. The grief is deep now as she begins to remember her torment, the secrets she has kept so deeply hidden, buried beneath a bold, cheeky exterior that was cleverly constructed to hide her pain, the pain that only God bore witness to. She learns to become bold, brash and cheeky taking what she needs to comfort her soul. Lashing out in anger at any who try to comfort her. She begins to build a wall around her for her protection but in her haste there are gaps where a little light can shine through.

God has not abandoned her and the gaps in the wall allow glimpses of God's mercy and goodness to shine through, but she is relentless in her desire to protect herself. She doesn't want anyone to know her secrets, she wants and needs to be able to hide, to be safe, to feel loved. No one notices the wall that she so cleverly constructs around herself and they ignore her pain and anguish, too deeply caught in their own loveless traps to notice a little girl in pain and confusion. Too hurt themselves to even try to understand. There is only God. God alone can help her and she clings to that knowledge, that ray of hope. She will never give in. They will not defeat her. Her soul belongs to her and to God alone.

So where are You now God when I need You? Do not abandon me in my anguish. Lift this burden from my soul that I might begin to know what it is to love, to truly love all as You love me.

Teach me compassion. Teach me forgivness. Teach me mercy. Teach me to Love.

I surrender now and allow myself to feel into my grief for I do not know how long. I feel my soul giving in to God's grace and mercy and I feel a sense of peace engulf me so completely as to collapse from exhaustion into the comforting arms of God and I allow myself to rest there a while to revive my weary but joyful soul and then I remember, if only a little, the goodness and mercy of God's loving embrace.

There is still so much that I have yet to understand, so many treacherous paths to cross, but with each new crossing I gain a strength of purpose and fan the desire deep within my soul to learn to love without condition or favour and I gain a newfound hope that this task is not yet impossible.

Linda
04.10.10