Reflections Upon The Year That Has Been – 2015

As the New Year marches on filled with challenges and surprises it is probably a good time to reflect upon the year that was – 2015.

As I sit in quiet contemplation I find myself not wanting to see so many truths that God has been gently guiding me to open my soul to for such a long time.  And I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have such patience, such compassion, such understanding and such love, as God has, for everything and everyone despite our flaws and weaknesses.

How different would my life have been if truth and real love had been the governing factors throughout my life and not just in the past six years? Sure, I have attempted to live my life from a place of acceptance, tolerance and love – at least since I was old enough to make conscious and meaningful choices for myself.  But in all this time the real driving force has been a desire to be loved; a desire to be understood; a desire to be accepted.  And in coming from this place of addiction I have automatically been out of harmony with love.  It has taken some very hard lessons to begin to crack open the tough exterior shell around my soul.  And looking back now I am grateful for those hard lessons.  But there is still so much work to be done.

Upon reflection I can see now how much of my life and the choices I have made have been driven by fear of rejection.  Until I am able to really get to the heart of the cause of these addictions it will be very difficult for me to feel truly accepted, truly loved and truly valued.

What would life be like if we learnt to live from a place of acceptance and tolerance; acceptance of ourselves as we truly are in this moment, and tolerance for our faults, hurts and injuries?

What would life be like if we truly learnt to love as God loves – unconditionally and totally, with respect for our free will and compassion for the injuries that drive our unloving choices?

What does real love actually mean? What would real love actually do?

The clue is in the above statements about how God loves – unconditionally, totally, with respect for the free will of every person regardless of their injures, and tolerance for their/our unloving choices whilst having compassion for the hurt child locked deep within and wanting to find his/her voice.  If we look around at our natural environment in its pristine state we can see little clues everywhere.

God does not give us everything we want.  God sees beyond the here and now.  He sees deep into our souls to the very core of our being and He understands what drives our thoughts and actions – those in harmony with love and truth and those driven by fear.  He knows WHY we say or do the things we do and He has total compassion for our brokenness. He also knows what would happen if He gave in to our demands and unloving addictive behaviour.

Since the beginning of time God has been observing the rise and fall of the human soul.  Watching our journey with compassion and understanding as we grapple with being mind-dominance and compete for power and control, trying to avoid our deeply buried hurt and pain, and setting up a chain reaction which continues to reverberate down the ancestral lines. He has consistently sent us many teachers and messengers who have had more courage and more understanding of Love than most to show us the way over this time – the great prophets, Jesus, Mohamad, Budda, Ghandi, Mandella, Mother Theresa and many others have been shining a guiding light upon earth for many millennia. Sometimes we recognize these great teachers and sometimes we don’t.

The problem of course is that Love and Truth will always confront error and addiction and this results in pain.  We have a tendency to run away from pain.  We have in-built pain receptors in our body which act as beacons sending warning signals and when these are triggered we mostly learn to avoid the painful stimuli – like sharp knives, hot saucepans, fire and a host of other painful stimuli.

But what do we do with the painful emotional stimuli, the ones which tell us what is going on in the soul? 

Mostly we ignore them.  We want to avoid feeling our sadness, our despair, our hopelessness, our fear, our grief and especially (for me anyway) our rage.  We have been so conditioned to believe that in order to be a ‘good’ person we must sacrifice ourselves in order to please others and keep the peace.

But what about me? Surely in God’s eyes I am just as important as anyone else?

Why then has this false concept of self-sacrifice taken hold and spread throughout humanity like an uncontrollable wildfire? 

The only logical answer can be that in response to sacrificing ourselves in order to gain ‘love’ and ‘approval’ we perpetuate the error by unconsciously demanding that others meet our addictions to help us avoid our fears and make us feel better about ourselves.

As children we rely on adults for our survival and it is easy to understand why we quickly learn to sacrifice ourselves in order to feel safe, protected and loved.  Some children never feel safe, protected and loved.  And so, without even thinking, as adults we naturally begin to demand from others that which was taken from us as children.  We become selfish without even realizing it.  Most of us wander through life in this half-dream state. Gradually shutting down to our hurt and pain while at the same time ramping up our demands that others help us avoid the hurt and pain within.  We are seeing more and more of this in society with increasing incidences of dementia, Alzheimer’s, suicide and mental illness.  What we do not yet seem to realize is that it is the soul which drives our lives – not the mind.  The soul – not the mind, is the powerhouse of the real me.  When I honour my soul, the sensory apparatus which houses my passions, desires, longings, emotions, memories, humility, love, intentions, personality, free will, instinct, energy, and more, I am honouring my real self – my half of the soul.

In order to grow in love I must first grow a desire for truth. Facing truth exposes the errors in my soul – the hurt, grief, fear, shame, anger, rage and so on which must be felt and released in order for Love to flow in.

From a very young age we are taught to ‘behave’ ourselves, to not feel what is often perceived as negative emotions – hurt, fear, sadness and so on. Often we have been punished (emotionally through ridicule, condemnation, judgement and / or physically through violent ‘correction’) for expressing our real selves.  Boys have too often been bullied into being strong and ‘manly’ as they helplessly learn to be tough, hard and ‘unemotional’. Girls have too often been coaxed into being subservient, passive and compliant. And woe betide anyone who dares to try to break free of these moulds and unloving expectations! And thank God that there have been people throughout history who have had the courage to show us a different way forward.  People like Jesus, Ghandi, Mandela, Mallala, Patch Adams, Steven Jobs, the Suffragettes and many, many more.

In every community, in every corner of the world there are people with the courage to question society’s expectations and push the boundaries of the ‘accepted’. You probably know many in your own local community.  We need more of them.

How different would our world be if from birth children learn that they are God’s child, created perfect in every natural way, and that the soul is the real you?

What if in school we are taught that it is not only OK, but it is encouraged to express the real you; and the means is provided for the safe and loving expression of all emotions – especially emotions of anger, rage, fear and grief.

What sort of society would we live in if children were taught from a very young age that it is not only OK, but it is encouraged, to feel and release their fear and unloving emotions in a loving way which does not harm any other living thing; and that when they do they will feel lighter, happier, more self-confident and loving. They will then soon see that love and laughter are infectious. But in order for children to learn this we need adults to show them the way.

Over the past six years I have slowly been opening my soul to Love and Truth.  This past year, 2015, has been the most confronting year yet as I begin to challenge addictions – physically, emotionally and in relationships.  It has been hard.  I often feel like a fish swimming against the current, but unlike the salmon, I have not yet learnt to jump waterfalls in order to get to the calm safe pool beyond.  Well, maybe baby waterfalls or rapids which lead to shallow rocky pools.  As I slowly gain the courage to challenge addictions and honour my soul above all others I am being shown little cracks in the prison that I have constructed for myself and more light and love begin to trickle in.

My challenge for this year, 2016, is to confront fear and let go of judgement – especially judgement of myself. If I can face the truth about WHY I judge myself and anger so harshly I have a hope of making some progress towards Love.

Judgement of anger is a HUGE emotion for me and I don’t understand it. I have HUGE amounts of resistance to feeling the rage that remains deeply buried within my soul and this rage is keeping me fat and in constant pain.  This has to change. It is time. It is time to let go of false beliefs and finally learn to step into God-reliance and trust that God knows exactly what I need to learn. When I finally learn to see the blocks that I have to trusting that God knows and understands the pain in my soul, and that She wants to nurse me through this pain then, and only then, will I be able to step into God-reliance and move through the painful emotions and errors in my soul.  And when I do learn this, true and permanent healing will begin.  All I have to do is to soften to the pain (without judgement), open to humility and Trust that God loves me and wants to help me through this pain. 

As I learn to pay attention to what the Law of Attraction is telling me, both positive and negative, I will learn to read God’s signs and let go of any pre-conceived notions I may have about what is right and what is loving.

My prayer for 2016 is that I may grow in humility so that I might open my heart and soul more fully to God’s Truth and God’s Love.  This is my prayer not only for me but for each and every one of my brothers and sisters, both here on earth and in the spirit world.

I wish you an enlightening and rewarding year ahead.

Reflections on Death

Recently I was fortunate enough to spend a few weeks in Tasmania with my beautiful husband and a few old friends. Like most visitors to Tasmania we favoured the natural environment and spent several days exploring some of Tassie’s pristine forests. It was after one such visit that these thought came to me …….

What is this thing we call death? Is there even such a thing? Or have we been duped into believing in ‘death’ because of the fear and lack of faith in others? Every day we confront ‘death’ in some way.  Most days we are so detuned from ‘death’ that we don’t even notice it until it touches us personally in a deep and unavoidable way.

Our cat catches a mouse and tortures it before killing it to eat. Dead animals litter the shoulders of our highways, victims of this fast-paced life we live.  A bug lands on our skin and we swipe at it intent on killing it. The wood we use in our fireplaces was once a vibrant living tree providing shelter and possibly food for many creatures. 

But is there really such a thing as death? Or is death simply a means of transformation, an opportunity for growth in a different direction?

Whilst we were exploring the many beautiful natural wonders of Tasmania I noticed that everywhere we went life was abundant and beautiful.  In the Franklin-Gordon Wilderness Area we came across the remains of an ancient Huon pine. Some would say that this tree was ‘dead’. It certainly wasn’t living in the form that most would identify as a Huon pine. And yet the remains of this magnificent old tree – hundreds of years old – was bursting with life.  Over 160 species of trees and plants have now been identified as emerging and thriving in the remnants of what once was an ancient giant of the forest.

So is this tree dead? Or has it simply been transformed into something new?  It is certainly providing a fertile bed for a vibrant and diverse colony of life.  The evidence is there for all to see.  So is this tree ‘dead’?

And what about those unfortunate animals which have fallen prey to our fast paced lifestyle and become road kill? Their remains are now transformed into food for the many scavengers which are drawn to the freshly killed carcasses. Without these scavengers we would by now be buried beneath the burden of our own waste, our own carelessness.

But the forest provides the clearest example of the cycles of life, of ‘death’ and rebirth. A tree fallen in a wild storm crashes to the forest floor where it begins the process of rebirth. It is no longer the magnificent tree that it once was as it reached for the warmth of the sunlight.  It has now reached its lowest point and it slowly begins its transformation into something else, something potentially more beautiful, lighter, and more vibrant. 

As time passes this ‘dead’ tree becomes host to a multitude of living organisms – fungi, lichen, moss, insects, grubs, each one working in tandem with the others to transform the tree into something more beautiful than it was before. Eventually this fallen tree will support the continuation of growth and life of all around it.  So has the tree really died or is it simply being transformed?

We are generally afraid of death because change makes us feel uncomfortable.  Think of a time in your life when you were forced to change? A job redundancy, marriage, the arrival of children, moving out of home, illness, travel to a foreign country and so on. How did that feel? And did you emerge from this changed circumstance (whatever it might have been) exactly the same as before or had you changed in some way?  Change makes us feel uncomfortable but it almost always leads to growth if we let it. For most this growth will be in a positive direction but some get stuck in old patterns and growth either stops or reverses in a negative direction. The choice is up to the individual.

Change is all around us.  It is the one constant thing in this world.  Every day every one of us witnesses dozens of small changes – from the way we have brushed our hair, the clothes we wear, the direction of the breeze, the ever changing skyscape.  Change is all around us. Everyday. And yet when it comes to the biggest change of all, ‘death’, we become frozen. Often paralysed by fear of the unknown.  But isn’t God trying to show us through our natural environment that there is no such thing as ‘death’?

In order for us to understand this concept we must be able to acknowledge that we are not who we think we are.  We are not our physical body.  We are a soul having a physical experience. Many religious philosophies teach this. And yet if we truly believed this we would also have to acknowledge that the ‘death’ of the physical body simply marks a transition to a lighter and more ethereal existence.  Of course, the big problem with acknowledging this is that the ‘death’ of the physical body necessitates change. The person whose physical body has decayed and ‘died’ must get used to residing in a lighter form. And unless they were particularly tuned to this more ethereal existence prior to their ‘death’ they will have difficulty communicating with those left behind, especially if their loved ones have not yet developed the ability to communicate across the great divide. The person who has ‘died’ now has an opportunity to learn and grow in a different direction and perhaps be transformed into something with far greater potential that previously imagined.

Perhaps for us ‘death’ is like the tree which has fallen in the forest.  We have now reached our lowest point and must learn to surrender to the process, to the truth of the universe around us, in order to learn and grow and eventually transform into something potentially much grander and greater than we ever would have imagined possible. Like that grand old Huon pine in the forests of Tasmania, we all have the opportunity to allow ‘death’ to transform us into something greater that we ever thought we could be. But to do this we must be willing to surrender everything we thought we knew about ourselves. And we must be willing to learn to see ourselves through God’s eyes, will all of our potential and promise. Then we must be willing to let go and let God show us the way forward.  And who knows where he will lead us? And we can begin this process long before the ‘death’ of the physical body.

Death is not the end.  It is simply a new beginning.  Nature shows us this every day.  All around us.  We just need to wake up and pay attention.

With the end of the year fast approaching perhaps now is an appropriate time to reflect upon our own feelings about 'death' and ask ourselves "What 'death' am I wanting to face before the new year begins? What 'death' must I face in order for new opportunities to bloom and thrive in the coming year?"

Arrogance, Truth and New Beginnings

 It has been some time since I last wrote – over a year in fact.  At the assistance group with Jesus, Mary and Cornelius last August I was confronted with some very uncomfortable truths which sent my world into a spin. It has taken me much of this time to return from the stratosphere of emotional turmoil and feel centered enough to start writing again. In this time I have been searching for the little pieces of my shattered soul in an attempt to begin the arduous task of piecing the puzzle back together again.  I am not sure if I am yet capable of tackling this task or even if I really want to at a soul level.  This is a massive revelation for me and it is really quite shocking.

At the end of July last year I attended a ten day retreat in the beautiful Monkeri Valley in the foothills of the Barrington Tops in New South Wales with Jesus, Mary and Cornelius.  They termed it the ‘Assistance Groups’  and the aim was to bring together  people who are interested in learning about God’s Truth and growing in Divine Love.  It was an immense privilege, I feel, to be invited to attend this workshop.

It can be very cold in this region at this time of year and we were blessed with beautiful winter’s weather – cold and fresh but not unbearably freezing as it had been a few weeks prior. I was extremely grateful that I was able to secure a single room as this gave me the space I needed to feel into the emotions that surfaced during the time there.

Over the course of the retreat Jesus, Mary and Cornelius expanded and deepened teachings that had already been presented on Truth, Love, God, the soul and more. And they offered their feedback (in a group setting) to a few who were brave enough to expose their errors publicly in a bid to grow in Love.

I recognize now, and this was a hugely shocking revelation for me, how arrogant I have become since awakening to God’s Truth and Love.  It is a trap that many fall into on this path, this Way to God.  But it really took a comment from Jesus, which hit me smack bang in the face, to wake me up. His comment (that I am assuming that John is my soulmate) totally took the wind out of my sails. 

What did this mean?

If you have read my earlier post on soulmates you will begin to see the depths of my dilemma.  This comment put me into such a spin that five months on I don’t think I have yet found my bearings.  Even now, some fourteen months on I am still struggling to find my way through the maze of confusion that has arisen as a result of this revelation.  Am I doing anything right? Has everything I have been doing been a lie? Has anything been real? How would I possibly know what is the truth and what is mischievous deception?

I cannot answer that yet – even now, over fourteen months later I still am not sure that I can answer that. I am still sifting through the debris of the fallout and trying to feel my way through this maze of lies, deception, truth, love, and hope.

Everything I think I know has been called into question.  Everything I thought I felt now has a dark cloud hanging over it. Everything.

I still feel strongly that John is my soulmate but I know that we are not in a soulmate relationship – not yet anyway.  This is something that we both must want wholeheartedly. It is something that can only happen when we both place God firmly at the center of our worlds.  And this is something that we both struggle with. While I feel that I have a strong desire for a relationship with God I have been forced to acknowledge, in a most shocking way, that I hold John up as my God.  And while ever I do this I am severely limiting my own progress towards having a real relationship with God.  It is impossible to have both. God must come first for any real progress to be made.

I am still reeling from this revelation.

I do not know what it means for me.  Am I strong enough, brave enough to desire a personal relationship with God above all else? I do not yet know. But I do know that I want to be.

There have been times when I have been very ragefull and resentful about the situation I now find myself in and many tears have been spilt as a result. But, what do I trust? What is the real truth? At this point I can’t answer that.  I have tried walking away from God and this Path to Love but that is too painful and the pull towards Love is too strong – I can’t do it.  At times I feel trapped and I get angry about that also.  But I have HUGE judgements about anger and I find it difficult to process through that.  The cushions and soft furnishings in the downstairs room are coping a great deal of bashing lately and the dust doesn’t settle for long! Old magazines are being torn to shreds in a bid to connect to and release some of the anger within my soul. But there is still so much yet to feel and at times I despair of ever breaking through the barriers that I have erected between me and God. 

I am learning just how unloving and destructive to the soul arrogance can be and how hard it is to let it go. I am also learning that the pull towards a relationship with God is stronger than any other kind of love that I have experienced and I am terrified of what that might mean for every other relationship.

I think I want 2016 to be the year for challenging addictions of every description – physical, emotional, food, relationships etc. Perhaps 2016 will be there year that I find the courage and the willingness to break down the barriers that prevent me from developing a relationship with God for real? Maybe this will be the year that I finally stop deceiving myself and learn to develop true humility? Because, in the end it doesn’t really matter right now if John is my soulmate, it only matters that love is the central premise of this and any other relationship.

And so I make this promise to myself – every day is a new beginning. Every day presents new opportunities to learn to love. I will strive to learn to let go of false teachings and unloving actions and thoughts – both about myself and others.  Every day I will reflect upon my thoughts and actions ask for forgiveness and guidance. Every day I will hold onto the hope that I truly am worthy of love and every day I will hold onto the faith I have that God is a loving, kind, forgiving and generous Being who wants all of His children (including me) to learn to grown in love and become at-one with Him.

                                                     ……………………………………………………………

In a bid to help me break through some of these barriers to a real relationship with God, I was fortunate enough to work with a wonderful therapist in Ipswich.  The incredible lengthy sessions we have had together have focused mostly on assisting me to break through false beliefs and begin to see the truth about myself.  I have struggled with excess weight for many years and it doesn’t seem to matter what I try – nothing works – I can’t seem to shift the excess weight. I learnt from Linda that the emotions connected with the Thyroid is RAGE. If I can get past the blocks that I have about feeling and releasing the anger and rage that is buried deep within my soul (much of it generational) I can then begin to heal my body – but only then.   Working with Linda provided the permission I needed to feel the rage within my soul – but it is still a struggle and resistance is still high.

It is always reassuring to me to have the same message repeated by several different sources, this is when I know I need to pay attention. So when Linda began talking about many of the truths that I had been learning through Jesus and Mary I knew I was in the right place. It has been a huge gift to be able to work through some deeply buried issues in such a loving and accepting space and I feel blessed.

The other gift I have received in this time is the opportunity to work with a dear friend, Lainee, who has a gift for assisting others to access their deeper blocks. In the coming days and weeks I will share with you some of the revelations I have had following some profound emotional releases. From here on in I will endeavour to write regularly regardless of where I am at.  I hope and pray that I have scaled the barriers to growing humility but I wonder if in saying that I am displaying arrogance?  I do not know; but I do know that I have a strong desire to grow in Love and foster a relationship with God – my aim is to get to the place where my relationship with God becomes the most important relationship in my life – for all eternity. 

I hope that by sharing my journey with you, you might find little bits that will assist you in your own journey wherever that takes you.

Gentle is the Language of God

Gentle is the Language of God

Last month I found that I was in a lot of resistance to feeling God's Truth about anything.  I could feel this resistance in my body, in the way my body was operating – lots more stiffness, constipation and general blocks within my body.  When I get like this I pray constantly to overcome the resistance that I have to feeling the blocks. Sometimes I am able to break through the resistance easily and soften into the emotions.

Not this time!  This time the resistance was HUGE!

I was fortunate enough to secure an appointment with an old friend who is a Kinesologist. Daniel was able to help me break through some of this resistance in a very loving way.  During the session he received a message – Gentle is the Language of God. My guides confirmed this. 

I prayed about this a lot and felt into the truth of it.  Resistance began to crumble and in less than 24 hours I was able to break through the resistance and step into humility and I received many realizations over a four or five hour period, which I feel came from my guide - Peter. I would like to share these with you here.

I have included my own comments or thoughts in brackets and in italics. 

This was received on the 16^th of April 2014

                                               ………………………………

(My prayer was - how do I break through this resistance – what do I need to do?)

HUMILITY is the key – if I am I being truly humble I will …

Ø  TRUST.  If I trust I will …

Ø  ACT. (this was what I was avoiding – taking action, I didn't want to feel my anger!). When I act in harmony with Love I receive…

Ø  TRUTH. When Truth is allowed to permeate with my soul I receive …

Ø  LOVE. It is Love that will change my soul by healing my errors and bringing peace.

Gentle is the Language of God.

(How can I gently sink into Humility whilst honouring my soul?)

      RESISTANCE blocks the flow of truth and allows …

Ø  FEAR to control.  Do I want to be controlled?  Why?  Why not? FEAR leads to …

Ø  AVOIDANCE of my real self.  Do I really want to know the real me?  AVOIDANCE  leads to …

Ø  PAIN – physical, emotional and psychological. In this space I am NOT being gentle with myself.  Why do I want to hold onto pain?  PAIN in turn leads to …

Ø  FEAR which leads to …

Ø  RESISTANCE which blocks the flow of truth and love.  It is a cycle which, if allowed, will repeat itself until I allow…

It takes HUMILITY + TRUST + ACTION to break down the brick wall of RESISTANCE.

When the brick wall begins to crumble more light will come in.

LIGHT = LOVE.

Gentle is the Language of God.

HUMILITY = TRUST and will lead to ACTION

ACTION will lead to HUMILITY + TRUST + TRUTH + LOVE.

LOVE will lead to HEALING + PEACE + JOY + MORE LOVE.

LOVE feeds itself.  LOVE is the only food that Love needs.

Gentle is the Language of God

Learn to step into Humility GENTLY

Learn to Trust GENTLY.

Take Action GENTLY.

Truth will always flow GENTLY.

Love will always heal GENTLY.

Gentle is the key to progress.  Learn to …

LOVE yourself gently.

SPEAK about yourself (internally) and others gently.

WALK in the world gently.

EAT gently – choose only loving foods.

INTERACT with yourself, others and God gently.

GENTLE = LOVE

LOVE = GENTLE.

If what you are doing does not FEEL gentle it is out of harmony with Love.

GENTLE = LOVE.

Gentle is the Language of God

Resistance is NOT gentle – resistance is hard and harsh. Let go of resistance and soften into feeling the fear that lies beneath it.

Fear I s NOT gentle.  Fear destroys. Step into fear so that it might be released. Holding onto fear creates pain and discomfort.

Anger is NOT gentle. Holding onto anger is destructive.  Anger is begging to be released.  Just like fire, anger, when released in a loving way, can be helpful. But when we hold onto anger it is like a wildfire that is totally out of control and very destructive.  Release the anger so it can be harnessed into something positive.

Gentle is the Language of God

If we want to communicate with God we must learn to be gentle in every aspect of our lives 100% of the time.

Gentle is the Language of God.

Gentle = Love

Gentle = Soft

Gentle = Trust

Gentle = Humility

Gentle = Truth.

Gentle is the Language of God.

When I allow fear to control I am avoiding personal responsibility.  I am allowing others to direct my life so that I do not have to make decisions for myself.

I want others to make decisions for me because in the past I got into severe trouble for making my own decisions - for following my desires. I go into trouble for making my own decisions because my decisions created fear in others.

They did not want to feel their fear.  They did not want to be humble. They did not want to trust God.  Instead, they punished me for following my desires.  They punished me for making decisions. They punished me for being the real me.

They did not want to feel their fear so instead, they instilled fear in me.  And they have used fear to control me most of my life!

AND I ALLOWED IT!!!

Because of this, I have not yet lived the life that my soul truly desires.

Am I going to allow this to continue?

The ONLY way to change this is to step into HUMILITY and TRUST that God is holding me in this space and I must TAKE ACTION to feel and release Anger and Fear and allow God's TRUTH and LOVE to heal my broken soul.

I must be HUMBLE enough to TRUST and ACT before TRUTH and LOVE can heal.

Gentle is the Language of God.

Love's only food is Love and Love has a voracious appetite.

                        .....................

Walking in Community – Baby Steps

Walking in Community – Baby Steps

About ten years ago I stepped back from an active role within several community organizations.  I was burnt out.  I had been volunteering for all the wrong reasons – recognition, glory, acknowledgement, acceptance etc. My health was suffering and I needed to focus on me and family stuff.  Actually, it would probably be more accurate to say that I needed to focus on family stuff and me.  At that point in my life I was struggling with any sense of self.  I was totally overwhelmed with everything that was happening in my life and I was tired. Very tired. So I stepped out of all but one voluntary role (and that was a minor role anyway) and began focusing on what was important to me – learning to put me first.  A difficult road indeed!

About five years later I met AJ Miller, a man who claims to be Jesus of Nazareth, reincarnated to re-teach the great Truths that he brought to the world in the first century. His teachings have totally changed my life – for the better.  Gradually, as I began to tentatively put his teachings in to practice, I began to see subtle changes within myself.  I began to love myself a little more.  I began to trust myself a little more.   I began to trust God a LOT more.

With each error, or part thereof, that has been released from my soul a greater confidence has been creeping in. Gradually more joy is becoming a part of my life.  I have slowly been unlocking the hidden parts of myself which had been shut down as a child because these parts of me were too confronting for the adults in my world. Now, I have a growing certainty about why I am here and what my true passions are.  Little by little my real self is being revealed and I am ever so grateful to God for His guidance and unfailing support.

Over the past few months I have been studying and plan to launch a new business by the middle of this year.  I feel really good about this.  I am excited about this.  I can't wait to get going!  But the past couple of weeks this has all been put on hold for a brief period as I begin to step back into community.  A few weeks ago I was approached by a friend to join a Community organization which was (still is) in turmoil. Then I was asked to run for the position of vice-president of this organization and another friend convinced me to come on board.

My initial reaction was – "I'm not ready for this!" "I don't think I will be strong enough to stand firm for Love and Truth". "I don't know enough yet!"

In short – FEAR!

I prayed a lot about this and felt into it as best I could.  I recognized fear and decided to step into it and trust God.  I'm really glad that I did! 

I have learnt so much about myself in the past couple of weeks as a result of this and God has shown me more of my real self in the process.  I found myself remaining calm in difficult situations.  I found myself having the courage to call other members on their unloving behaviour – especially on projections of anger. And I found these people responding positively to this.  To say that I was surprised was an understatement.  Suddenly I am noticing that people, many of whom I hardly know or have met for the first time, are wanting to hear what I have to say and respecting my comments and suggestions.  Some are actively seeking out my opinions and council. I felt valued even in a difficult situation. This is new to me.

As I reflected and prayed at the end of each day I could see how things could have been done differently, in a more loving or truthful way.  I have been triggered big time in lots of different ways.  It has been so much easier to step into challenging or difficult situations with God walking firmly by my side, holding my hand.  Fear did not dominate.  Love did. And I am coming to realize that I love living this way – with God by my side and fear beneath my feet!

My passion for community has been reignited and I am ready to fight the good fight, firmly grounded in truth and love.  I know I will still make mistakes along the way.  I will no doubt miss opportunities to speak truth or to act in an unconditionally loving way (towards others and myself). But I am realizing that that really doesn't matter.  The only thing that matters is that I trust God and step into passion without letting fear dictate my actions (or not!).

This is a good place to be.  A really good place to be.

Gifts from God

This morning I was reflecting upon the message I posted yesterday and I thought I would share with you some of my reflections.

While reading the message again it struck me that God has given us so many gifts – BEAUTY LOVE CLARITY TREASURES REST AWARENESS FREEDOM FORGIVNESS SAFETY KINDNESS. And there are many others but these seem to be highlighted in this message.

While reflecting I wondered –
Am I willing to accept these gifts unconditionally?
Am I willing to work to remove the barriers that prevent me from receiving them?
Am I willing to give these gifts freely in return?
Do I expect anything in return?  From others?  From God?

In order to become at-one with God I must learn to be like God – generous, kind, compassionate, open, forgiving, passionate, imaginative, desirous and be willing to love unconditionally – everyone (not just my favourite people).  It is these God-like qualities that make us beautiful. 

I am slowly learning that I must play my part in this process – I must be willing to TRUST DESIRE REFLECT SERVE SURRENDER SOFTEN and live with PASSION in order to access the gifts from God.

I must work to wash away the mud that has been flung at my soul from my environment from the moment of incarnation onwards in order to see the precious gem that lies hidden within. 

With God’s help all things are possible. With God’s help every little flicker of light can become a beacon of love and hope.

He is holding my heart in His hands.

Do I trust this?

Clouds

I wrote this a little while ago but now that I re-read it I realize that it is as relevant today as it was then. I am still struggling with a deep causal emotion that I have been slowly working through over the past few months.  How little I understand about God and Her /Divine Love.  I want this to change!  I pray for the courage and the willingness to step deeply and completly into my fear and grief so that I might fully let go of all of my errors and and allow God's healing Love in.

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Clouds are rolling in across the valley floor now, floating softly through the air and forming a curtain of mist disguising the ridges behind them and temporarily changing the landscape.  But they do not sit still as they softly glide by, creating new vistas with every change as they rise up to meet the thicker band of cloud that is sitting atop the mountain and blocking it from view. 

It is darker now in the valley, grey and dull, but above the clouds a light shines through and a tiny speck of blue reminds me that nothing in God’s universe is permanent and that change is inevitable, even welcomed. 

So why then do I hold on so tightly to the things that cause me pain, not trusting this process, having no faith in the potential gain?  And yet right before me a transformation is taking place as soft clouds roll through the valley and lift gently over the mountains with such effortless ease and I am wondering what prevents me from gliding through this process of transformation of the soul?  What prevents me from embracing the changes in my soul, from grasping hold of those glimmers of light that have the power to lift me from the valley of despair and carry me over the mountains of doubt and fear into God’s loving embrace?  Why do I hold so tightly to the errors that cause me pain and keep me anchored to the valley floor?

As I silently observe God’s gifts unfolding across the sky I am greeted by a soft breeze, cool and fresh, lifting the clouds out of the valley so that they might merge with the vast sky and I can’t help but wonder what truth this is revealing to me?  Will God’s Love carry me out of my despair and beyond the restraints of my own soul to new heights where anything is possible?  Do I trust that this is possible?  Have I not already experienced the joy of soaring high on God’s Divine Love?  Why then do I still not trust this process unconditionally? What fear keeps me from relinquishing control to the Supreme Commander and allowing His Love and Laws to lead me where I need to go?

There is as yet so much that I still have to discover about my own soul, so many pains to feel and release and so much joy to experience.  I pray that with God’s help I will learn to fully embrace this process and to rejoice in the release of each error so that I might allow my soul to lift gently out of the valley of despair and learn to soar high upon the wings of God’s Love from where anything is possible and love and truth rule the day.

with love

Linda

Addictions, personal responsibility and getting to know the real me

From my journal

I am struggling to allow myself to feel into the cause of my shoulder pain and I pray for God’s continued guidance and assistance, but right now I am feeling a bit numb.   

This morning I find myself alone again and I am feeling lost.  I am beginning to open up my soul to the truth of my relationship with John, my soulmate, and I don’t like what I see!  So many addictions have been at play on both parts.  For my part I know that I am addicted to the security that this relationship offers; to the idea of John, my soulmate and to the desire, the hope of one day having a real soul to soul relationship, if I can only hang on long enough!  I want him to change and I have projected a LOT if demand upon him; I want him to make my life better and I have projected a LOT of neediness upon him; I want things to be done my way and I project anger when they are not; I feel helpless, powerless and overwhelmed most of the time and I need him to reassure and support me; I want to avoid the hard stuff, I want to run and hide when things get difficult! 

And now I find myself finally beginning to open up to the responsibility for myself on all levels and I am hugely confronted by the task at hand.  I want to fall back into old patterns of running and hiding.  I hold onto the error of wanting, no needing to please others, especially my mother in the hope that she will finally approve of me; and in this whole process I am sacrificing myself, sacrificing love.  I know this now but the challenge of changing old habits, of letting go of addictions is difficult and for the first time in my life I am beginning to feel some empathy for those who suffer from physical addictions – drugs, alcohol, tobacco, food.  For the first time in my life I am beginning to understand what drives these addictions and why people feel they need to escape from reality. 

We have all been escaping from the reality of our true selves, our soul, for most of our lives.  We have been hiding behind our façade selves, the self we have created in order to survive our environment and hide our pain, the mask we put on in order to make ourselves more presentable, more acceptable to the world.  The trouble is that when we begin to allow ourselves to awaken to this truth, the façade is no longer acceptable to the real self and so begins a process of awakening and it is, at first anyway, a painful process as we begin to allow ourselves to open up to the truth of our reality one little piece at a time.

It feels like I am now constructing this giant jigsaw puzzle and I really have no idea what the pieces look like, but as I find the courage to delve deeper into the truth of my existence, face the damage in my soul and take full responsibility for my soul condition then, bit by bit, God’s Love begins to reveal the hidden pieces of my true self, my soul and a new picture is created.  One based upon love and truth instead of façade, illusion and pretense and these pieces are unlike anything I have seen or experienced before.  And I now find myself in a place where I am unwilling to compromise this process because I am excited by the little bits that are being revealed and the way they now play out in my life and I want to know what the whole picture looks like – I want to know the real me, the me that God created and who She alone sees.  And so I find myself at a crossroads knowing which way I want to go but wondering if I really have the courage to walk a different path, a path supported by God and my Celestial Guides but as yet still at odds with the world in general and my family’s view of how my life should be. 

I have no idea what lies ahead, I can not yet see the big picture for mostly I am still fumbling and stuck on working out this one tiny part that I am currently working on.  I just know that I can not continue in the old patterns and addictions of the past – I want more!  I want to know the real me.  I want to discover what my soul is passionate about, the things that bring me and others joy. I want to live a life of passion and desire in all aspects of my life.  I want to learn how to truly live and laugh and love – every day, not just occasionally but every day. 

Dare I hope that this is possible for me?  Do I really have the courage to confront each and every one of my own addictions and face up to and own the truth of their creation within me? I honestly do not know, but I do know that I have to try and that with God’s help anything is possible, even the transformation of a dark and broken soul. 

My hope, my prayer, is that as I begin to heal my soul and erase the dark corners of my hidden self, my real self, I will begin to grow in love and my soul will begin to shine making it irresistible to the other half of me, my soulmate and that together we will discover our true passions and desires, our true purpose in life, our hidden talents and our uniqueness so that we may serve the world through love and desire and in so doing experience a joy and bliss in every moment that as yet we find difficult to conceive of, yet alone imagine the possibilities of. 

With God anything is possible, even the recreation of a lost and broken soul.

Linda

11.04.2012

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I wrote this poem a while ago but it fits well with what I am currently experiencding so I have included it here

Broken

Lost little pieces of my soul

Fractured,

Fragmented,

No longer whole.

Overwhelmed and confused

Doubting God’s loving plan

Wanting to heal

Not sure if I can.

Who am I?  I no longer know

Trying to piece together

The little broken bits of my soul.

Praying for guidance

For the courage to see

How these little broken bits

Come together to form me.

But the pieces are small

Shattered and scattered

Making no sense at all.

How do I mend my broken soul

When pain and anguish have taken their toll?

Who will guide me?

Whom do I trust?

For God’s Mercy and Love

My soul does lust!

But it seems that God is far away

From this confused, lonely child

Who has lost her way.

Dare I ask for help,

For guidance from above?

Will God hear my plea

And fill my soul with love?

Lost little pieces of my broken soul

Gradually being recovered through faith and trust

And tenderly restored with love and truth.

Through anger, fear and grief I find

The lost little pieces of my broken soul

Coming together to make me whole.

Guided by faith and trust and love

I find God’s Grace and Mercy

Gradually healing my broken soul.

How can I thank You

For Your patience and understanding

For Your soft, gently touch,

For never being demanding?

You patiently wait for me

To have the courage and willingness to see

That I alone can find my way

Through the broken pieces

And the foggy haze

To the truth of my broken soul

Before You can begin to make me whole.

Your love is waiting for each of us

To have the courage to learn to trust

To face the secrets of our youth

And find the willingness to face the truth.

Your love does transform my broken soul

Healing my pain, making me whole.

Linda Munster

23.05.11

On Trust and Judgement

This letter to God was written a couple of days after I recently began my journey into self-responsibility and God reliance.  I had been away from home less than a week and was already feeling the strength of my addictions.  I am very grateful for the advice given to me by my guides both then and today, for once again, as I type and re-read this, I realize that it is perfect for where I am at at this moment. I hope it is of help to you also.

love

Linda

04.11.11

Dear God,

I don’t want to do this anymore!  I don’t want to face the truth of how unloving I have been in my life!   I don’t want to know how much I hate men, how much anger I have within my soul about the way I have been treated by men in the past.  I don’t want to know how unloving I have been!  I don’t want to feel all the guilt and shame that I feel about how I have used John as a comfort blanket to make me feel better about myself.  I am afraid that if I let him go I will sink into the dark abyss of despair that is in my soul and I will not have the courage or the strength to find my way back to me!  I don’t even know who that is anymore God!  I am not sure that I ever knew.  

I feel lost, alone, confused and jaded in this whole process.  I don’t recognize when I am in my body or not.  I have trouble recognizing love.  I crave reassurance.  It is like a drug and without it I can not survive.  I need someone to tell me that I am ok, that I am lovable, that I am worthwhile. 

I want to run back home to John’s loving embrace, to the comfort and reassurance that I know he will give me.  But if I do that I will have failed.  It will be yet another quick fix to make me feel better and if I do that I will be placing a very unloving demand upon him.  I don’t want to do that anymore God!  I don’t want to live in a relationship full of addiction and avoidance.  I have caused him enough pain.  I have pushed him away enough. 

But I am lost God! I feel all of this turmoil in my soul and I don’t understand it.  I want someone to rescue me!  I feel that I cannot do this alone and I need help but I do not know where to turn.  I don’t feel my guides with me anymore God.  Why have I turned them away?  I feel so inadequate, so small, so broken, so false!  How do I heal this part of me God? Will I ever have the courage to face the truth? To let You in? To trust love?

Why don’t I want to trust love God? What is love? Who am I?  Where am I? Please help me!  Show me what to do!  Can I please ask for some help?  Can I please ask for some guidance and for the humility to take direction and the willingness to be open to the truth? 

How do I succumb to the grief around the truth without beating myself up about it?  How do I learn to be gentle and loving with myself?  How do I learn to trust the truth? How do I learn to forgive myself?

With God!

But where is God?  Why don’t I feel Her?

God is watching and waiting for you to open your heart and soul to Her.  She wants to comfort you but you keep putting up blocks.  You keep running away.

How do I stop running away?

Allow yourself to feel the fear and the pain without judgement or expectation.  Allow the emotion to flow. Allow the emotion to reveal the truth.  Do not judge it, do not try to pre-empt it, just allow it.

How do I let go of judgement?

Feel what it is like to feel judged.  Feel what your own judgement had done to others.  Just feel it, without question, without judgement, just acceptance.  And when it is done, when the emotion is spent, feel the relief.  Do not judge it, do not question it, just feel it.  Accept it. 

You are making this much harder than it needs to be.  Relax into the process more.  Trust the process.  Trust God.  Trust yourself and trust us.  We are always with you waiting for an opportunity to assist you and that comes through love.  Do not be so hard on yourself.  Trust and allow the process.  Love yourself even in your error for when you recognize and release the error another part of the real you is revealed, the real you who is beautiful, the real you who others sometimes see.  Trust this.  Love yourself and then you will find it much easier to love others. 

You don’t have to do it all in one go.  It takes time and patience.  Be patient with yourself.  You are all beginning on a remarkable journey, one that has not been followed on earth for nearly 2000 years and even then was only done successfully by one man.  He guides you now.  Listen to him, learn from him, trust him, but mostly be patient with yourself.  This is not a race.  It is not a competition but rather an opportunity that you have chosen to accept.  Do not worry about time, you are too caught up in time.  Time is an illusion and it can be a trap.  Live each moment as it presents yourself.  Do not skip over moments, this is an error in you that will take much practice to overcome.  Learn to be present in every moment, every aspect of every moment.  Meditate more and in the stillness notice everything without judgement. Learn to be present and go from there.  There are no shortcuts but you can prolong your journey through arrogance, impatience and judgement. 

Learn to be humble, to be present. 

We will help you.

 We love you very much.

Peter and others