Reflections Upon The Year That Has Been – 2015

As the New Year marches on filled with challenges and surprises it is probably a good time to reflect upon the year that was – 2015.

As I sit in quiet contemplation I find myself not wanting to see so many truths that God has been gently guiding me to open my soul to for such a long time.  And I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have such patience, such compassion, such understanding and such love, as God has, for everything and everyone despite our flaws and weaknesses.

How different would my life have been if truth and real love had been the governing factors throughout my life and not just in the past six years? Sure, I have attempted to live my life from a place of acceptance, tolerance and love – at least since I was old enough to make conscious and meaningful choices for myself.  But in all this time the real driving force has been a desire to be loved; a desire to be understood; a desire to be accepted.  And in coming from this place of addiction I have automatically been out of harmony with love.  It has taken some very hard lessons to begin to crack open the tough exterior shell around my soul.  And looking back now I am grateful for those hard lessons.  But there is still so much work to be done.

Upon reflection I can see now how much of my life and the choices I have made have been driven by fear of rejection.  Until I am able to really get to the heart of the cause of these addictions it will be very difficult for me to feel truly accepted, truly loved and truly valued.

What would life be like if we learnt to live from a place of acceptance and tolerance; acceptance of ourselves as we truly are in this moment, and tolerance for our faults, hurts and injuries?

What would life be like if we truly learnt to love as God loves – unconditionally and totally, with respect for our free will and compassion for the injuries that drive our unloving choices?

What does real love actually mean? What would real love actually do?

The clue is in the above statements about how God loves – unconditionally, totally, with respect for the free will of every person regardless of their injures, and tolerance for their/our unloving choices whilst having compassion for the hurt child locked deep within and wanting to find his/her voice.  If we look around at our natural environment in its pristine state we can see little clues everywhere.

God does not give us everything we want.  God sees beyond the here and now.  He sees deep into our souls to the very core of our being and He understands what drives our thoughts and actions – those in harmony with love and truth and those driven by fear.  He knows WHY we say or do the things we do and He has total compassion for our brokenness. He also knows what would happen if He gave in to our demands and unloving addictive behaviour.

Since the beginning of time God has been observing the rise and fall of the human soul.  Watching our journey with compassion and understanding as we grapple with being mind-dominance and compete for power and control, trying to avoid our deeply buried hurt and pain, and setting up a chain reaction which continues to reverberate down the ancestral lines. He has consistently sent us many teachers and messengers who have had more courage and more understanding of Love than most to show us the way over this time – the great prophets, Jesus, Mohamad, Budda, Ghandi, Mandella, Mother Theresa and many others have been shining a guiding light upon earth for many millennia. Sometimes we recognize these great teachers and sometimes we don’t.

The problem of course is that Love and Truth will always confront error and addiction and this results in pain.  We have a tendency to run away from pain.  We have in-built pain receptors in our body which act as beacons sending warning signals and when these are triggered we mostly learn to avoid the painful stimuli – like sharp knives, hot saucepans, fire and a host of other painful stimuli.

But what do we do with the painful emotional stimuli, the ones which tell us what is going on in the soul? 

Mostly we ignore them.  We want to avoid feeling our sadness, our despair, our hopelessness, our fear, our grief and especially (for me anyway) our rage.  We have been so conditioned to believe that in order to be a ‘good’ person we must sacrifice ourselves in order to please others and keep the peace.

But what about me? Surely in God’s eyes I am just as important as anyone else?

Why then has this false concept of self-sacrifice taken hold and spread throughout humanity like an uncontrollable wildfire? 

The only logical answer can be that in response to sacrificing ourselves in order to gain ‘love’ and ‘approval’ we perpetuate the error by unconsciously demanding that others meet our addictions to help us avoid our fears and make us feel better about ourselves.

As children we rely on adults for our survival and it is easy to understand why we quickly learn to sacrifice ourselves in order to feel safe, protected and loved.  Some children never feel safe, protected and loved.  And so, without even thinking, as adults we naturally begin to demand from others that which was taken from us as children.  We become selfish without even realizing it.  Most of us wander through life in this half-dream state. Gradually shutting down to our hurt and pain while at the same time ramping up our demands that others help us avoid the hurt and pain within.  We are seeing more and more of this in society with increasing incidences of dementia, Alzheimer’s, suicide and mental illness.  What we do not yet seem to realize is that it is the soul which drives our lives – not the mind.  The soul – not the mind, is the powerhouse of the real me.  When I honour my soul, the sensory apparatus which houses my passions, desires, longings, emotions, memories, humility, love, intentions, personality, free will, instinct, energy, and more, I am honouring my real self – my half of the soul.

In order to grow in love I must first grow a desire for truth. Facing truth exposes the errors in my soul – the hurt, grief, fear, shame, anger, rage and so on which must be felt and released in order for Love to flow in.

From a very young age we are taught to ‘behave’ ourselves, to not feel what is often perceived as negative emotions – hurt, fear, sadness and so on. Often we have been punished (emotionally through ridicule, condemnation, judgement and / or physically through violent ‘correction’) for expressing our real selves.  Boys have too often been bullied into being strong and ‘manly’ as they helplessly learn to be tough, hard and ‘unemotional’. Girls have too often been coaxed into being subservient, passive and compliant. And woe betide anyone who dares to try to break free of these moulds and unloving expectations! And thank God that there have been people throughout history who have had the courage to show us a different way forward.  People like Jesus, Ghandi, Mandela, Mallala, Patch Adams, Steven Jobs, the Suffragettes and many, many more.

In every community, in every corner of the world there are people with the courage to question society’s expectations and push the boundaries of the ‘accepted’. You probably know many in your own local community.  We need more of them.

How different would our world be if from birth children learn that they are God’s child, created perfect in every natural way, and that the soul is the real you?

What if in school we are taught that it is not only OK, but it is encouraged to express the real you; and the means is provided for the safe and loving expression of all emotions – especially emotions of anger, rage, fear and grief.

What sort of society would we live in if children were taught from a very young age that it is not only OK, but it is encouraged, to feel and release their fear and unloving emotions in a loving way which does not harm any other living thing; and that when they do they will feel lighter, happier, more self-confident and loving. They will then soon see that love and laughter are infectious. But in order for children to learn this we need adults to show them the way.

Over the past six years I have slowly been opening my soul to Love and Truth.  This past year, 2015, has been the most confronting year yet as I begin to challenge addictions – physically, emotionally and in relationships.  It has been hard.  I often feel like a fish swimming against the current, but unlike the salmon, I have not yet learnt to jump waterfalls in order to get to the calm safe pool beyond.  Well, maybe baby waterfalls or rapids which lead to shallow rocky pools.  As I slowly gain the courage to challenge addictions and honour my soul above all others I am being shown little cracks in the prison that I have constructed for myself and more light and love begin to trickle in.

My challenge for this year, 2016, is to confront fear and let go of judgement – especially judgement of myself. If I can face the truth about WHY I judge myself and anger so harshly I have a hope of making some progress towards Love.

Judgement of anger is a HUGE emotion for me and I don’t understand it. I have HUGE amounts of resistance to feeling the rage that remains deeply buried within my soul and this rage is keeping me fat and in constant pain.  This has to change. It is time. It is time to let go of false beliefs and finally learn to step into God-reliance and trust that God knows exactly what I need to learn. When I finally learn to see the blocks that I have to trusting that God knows and understands the pain in my soul, and that She wants to nurse me through this pain then, and only then, will I be able to step into God-reliance and move through the painful emotions and errors in my soul.  And when I do learn this, true and permanent healing will begin.  All I have to do is to soften to the pain (without judgement), open to humility and Trust that God loves me and wants to help me through this pain. 

As I learn to pay attention to what the Law of Attraction is telling me, both positive and negative, I will learn to read God’s signs and let go of any pre-conceived notions I may have about what is right and what is loving.

My prayer for 2016 is that I may grow in humility so that I might open my heart and soul more fully to God’s Truth and God’s Love.  This is my prayer not only for me but for each and every one of my brothers and sisters, both here on earth and in the spirit world.

I wish you an enlightening and rewarding year ahead.

Experiments, Judgement and Life

I am always grateful and often amazed at how generous our heavenly Parent is with Her assistance and guidance.  I do not consider myself to be a medium - I am a novice learning about communication of the soul and sometimes, when I am open and humble enough, I receive very poignant messages from my guides or other spirits who have a desire to assist us to grow in love.
Steven is one such spirit.  I had not met him previous to this message but I am extremely grateful for his insights.  As always it was extremely timely.

I share it here with you in the hope that it may be of some assistance to you also.

Please be mindful that I am not perfect and there will likely be inaccuracies in this message. Take from it that with resonates with your soul and leave the rest.

I would really appreciate any feedback from those of you whose mediumship gift is much more advanced than mine.

Enjoy.

31^st July 2015

Experiments, Judgement and Life

All of life is an experiment and not all experiments go to plan or achieve the expected or desired results.  This does not mean failure.  It simply means that we need to try something else.  Add or subtract something to / from the mix.  Change the order.  It does not really matter. 

What matters is that you keep trying.  Keep experimenting.  What one person sees as failure another may see as a triumph.  It is all a matter of perspective. 

To judge the results is to say that you are superior. There is no need to judge and no benefit in judgement.  The experiment simply IS. It is never right nor wrong; good nor bad. It is just what it is – an experiment with a particular result.  If the result is not to your liking change the parameters or the components of the experiment.  It is that simple.  There is no need to complicate things. 

Now I know that judgement is a large part of your experience, shall we say.  When in the past you have 'failed' at something, you have been judged, sometimes harshly, for that.  But have you really failed?  By whose standards have you 'failed'? Certainly not God's.

 In God's world there is no 'failure'.  There are simply a series of experiments with certain results. It is only we who perceive these results to be bad or good and we do this through the errors in our souls.  When you have cleared all the errors and live a life in harmony with Love and Truth you will see this clearly.  There will be no judgement. You will then be free, truly free, to continue to explore and experiment, changing paths or direction at times perhaps.  But you will do this without judgement and with a sense of awe and wonder. 

It is possible for you to reach this place whilst still on earth.  Continue to step more and more into God-reliance.  Let go of control and let God, the Master and Commander who sees and knows all, direct your life. 

Have faith that our Father loves you and wants only the best for you.  Trust that He will lead you on the right path. 

Look at judgement for what it is – a fear-based reaction born from a lack of understanding. 

The more you know about yourself and about God's Love and Truth, the less you will need to judge.  The more you grow in Love and Truth the greater compassion you will have for 'failed' experiments in life – of yourself and of others.  And the more you will come to know this truth as a certainty. 

Let go of judgement (of yourself especially), it is a very harmful emotion.  Embrace all of life's opportunities with an open heart and an open mind.

Experiment.

Remember, there are NO failures, only results.

Thank you for the opportunity to talk with you today.  I am Steven and I lived on earth in the 16^th Century.  I am now living in our Father's kingdom and I have a great desire to assist my brothers and sisters to find their way to God.  I was a scientist and a philosopher when on earth.

Emotional Processing and Finding your Soulmate.

A friend recently asked me to send her the four key indicators that I use when processing emotions to check if I are in truth and processing my own stuff.  These are the points that my guides have given me and I have found them to be extremely helpful and 100% accurate 100% of the time. I thought they might also be helpful to you in your own emotional work and progress towards God.

1.  Deep diaphragmatic breathing.  I have found when I do this, if it is my emotion the deep breathing will take me deeper into the emotion.  If it doesn't then I am either crying about the effects or I am being used by spirits.  Either way I stop processing and pray to God about the blocks to fully feeling the emotion.  If I am being truly humble I am able to connect again to the real emotion, if not I just stop the processing and do something else.  But I continue to pray about the blocks until I am able to really get into the emotion at a later time.
2. Flow.  by this I mean that the emotion flows freely.  I don’t have to think about it and there is a lot of tears and a lot of snot – I use a lot of tissues/hankies etc.  The grief is heart wrenching and deep.
3. Truth. If I am truly in a causal emotion I will always receive new realizations about my life and will often receive insights into what the causal emotion is. If I am being truly humble and open to God’s truth and love this is ALWAYS the case.  If it isn't then I am most likely crying about effects and I pray about the blocks to truth.
4. The fourth indicator is Love – Divine Love. If I am getting to a causal emotion it is because the above three indicators are in play and I will always receive Love in this process.  Sometimes it is only a small amount – most times it will be very overwhelming.  I have found that this is usually determined by the level of resistance that I have to knowing the truth. If it is only a small amount I continually pray to overcome the resistance that I have to feeling the whole truth and ask God to teach me to be truly humble.  I always pray to God to help me to stay with the emotion until it is complete.

The first three indicators need to be in play before the fourth one can be felt and I have found that sincere, heartfelt prayer is always helpful.

My friend also asked my assistance with working her way through the emotions which block our knowledge of who our soulmate is. 

About twelve months ago (maybe a little more) I went through this process.  It took over twelve months of sincere longing and prayer. And it took a LOT of courage. But the sense of relief when I finally came to see God's truth was overwhelming.  Knowing this truth now does not necessarily make my relationship with my soulmate any easier.  In fact, sometimes it makes it harder because he does not yet want to know this truth for himself (even though we live together). And he does not yet want to engage in a true soulmate relationship (there are still many addictions at play in our relationship which I am slowly attempting to address). 

This is what I have found to be true while working through my soulmate emotions. 

You will not be able to access God’s truth while ever you try to work out who your soulmate is in your head.  It must be a soul-based feeling. 

Forget about the things that you see that you and the person you think might be your soulmate have in common, especially the intellectual stuff.  The key is to feel what your true soul desires are.  There will be something that you and your soulmate have in common that will link you together. 

It will be a deep core desire, the reason why God created your complete soul. It will be what makes your soul unique.

Keep in mind that one or both of you may not yet have activated this part of your soul so it will not be at all helpful to reason it out – you must FEEL this truth.  For me, this process brought up a LOT of fear about stepping into my true soul’s desires and it has, and continues to bring up a lot of unworthiness whenever I am brave enough to activate even a small portion of this desire.  I am learning that unworthiness is what prevents the activation of the core soul desires and this must be worked through before you can step into these desires.

When you are feeling into who your soulmate might be it will be extremely helpful if you could focus on a few key indicators for each person you think could potentially be your soulmate.

1. Who is the person really – what does the real them feel like? (don’t focus on intellectual stuff – try to feel the soul of the person – the real them).  I found it extremely helpful to pray to God about this often until I got the answer.
2. Does this person feel like me? In other words, how does this person fit with me? Do they compliment me?

Try to let go of any preconceived ideas you might have about who your soulmate is and ask God to help you feel the truth.  If you do this with a sincere heart all the way through the process you will get the answer.  But you have to be prepared for it to be totally unexpected and be willing to go through the process in faith and without judgement.

Be prepared to receive a LOT of spirit interference throughout this process.

There are groups of spirits in the spirit world who do not want us to find our soulmates. This is possibly because they don't believe in soulmates or they believe that they do not have a soulmate so are jealous of the soulmate relationship.  When I was working through this process I found that the closer I became to being sure of who my soulmate is, the more interference I received.  Because I was (and still am) carrying a LOT of unworthiness about being loved by my soulmate it was easy for malevolent spirits to influence me.  This made the process much harder and it required a lot of faith, perseverance and trust in God and in myself.  

At these times, when I felt under a lot of spirit attack, I would often stop and talk to the spirits with me about soulmates and how God had designed each and every soul to have a soulmate who was the perfect other half of them.  And I would encourage them to seek their soulmate and reassure them that they too were deserving of this kind of love. I would always ask for celestial assistance, both for myself and for the spirits with me. I found that this helped both me and the spirits with me.

Throughout this process I had to learn to trust my own feelings.  

I had to learn to feel myself.

Eventually, with God's assistance, I got to the point where knowing the truth about my soulmate became the most important thing to me.  I felt that if I truly loved my husband (who I believed was my soulmate) I owed it to him to know the truth.  The absolute truth. 

I found this process confusing, challenging, confronting, frightening and at times terrifying. 

I had to become determined, humble, trusting, loving.

I had to let go of doubt and unworthiness.

I had to have FAITH.

As difficult as this process was, it has been the most rewarding part of my journey towards God and Love so far.

I wish you well on your journey towards God, Love and your soulmate.

You can learn more about soulmates here

Humility Interview 2 – Practical Aspects of Humility

There has been a lot going on over the past few weeks - my youngest daughter's wedding took precedence and brought with it much that I needed to feel, hence the delay in this next post on Humility.  This is my reflections on the second Interview with Jesus and Mary on Humility. 

In black you will find the notes I took during the talk and in green are my deeper and more personal reflections on those points. I hope this is of some benefit to you in your own journey towards love.

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If you do not feel God's Love flowing into your heart it is a sign that you are not humble or do not have a desire for God's love in that moment. There are times when I feel God's Love flowing into my heart but it is still not a moment by moment basis. At these times this Love is so overwhelming I can't help but cry for the joy of receiving it.

Humility is the cornerstone of the Way to God and we don't need anything else.

This is why it is so important to develop humility.  Through humility I can grow my relationship with God.

Judgement is a form of arrogance.  How am I judging myself? How am I judging others? Lack of judgement is a sign of growing humility.

Judgement is something that I have struggled with a lot but notice that I am becoming much less judgemental of others and of myself but it is my relationship with myself that I still struggle with at times.  It is hard letting go of judgement when you have had a lifetime of judgement projected at you – it almost seems 'normal'.

When I am invested in the opinions of others I am preventing my connection with God.

This is a big one for me and it is challenging learning to let it go.  I have spent most of my life seeking out the approval of others in order to feel some sort of self-worth so to now be challenged to let this go is difficult and very confronting but I want to know my real self so I have to let go of the opinions of others and learn to trust God's opinion of me instead.  It is a work in progress.

God only connects with me as I truly am. She cannot connect with the façade.

I feel that this is the most difficult task I have ever undertaken – to find my real self, buried deep beneath the façade that has been created to hide the pain. But I want this connection with God and it is slowly becoming the greatest desire of my soul – slowly!

Humility = a wholehearted desire to feel all of my emotions as they arise and leads to me making my relationship with God my first priority.  Humility is a passionate burning desire to feel without addiction. When I am truly humble my longing for God will be stronger than my longing for any other experience and I will not be invested in the opinions of others.

I still struggle with this.  There constantly seems to be some manufactured excuse why it is not appropriate to feel my real self in any given situation.  But I am becoming more humble to my real self and I am slowly, very slowly, learning to honour my soul and my relationship with God.

When I avoid being humble I am in that moment worrying more about my relationship with others or myself over my relationship with God. This is still an issue for me but becoming less so. Am I willing to lose everything in order to have this relationship with God? Honestly?  I struggle with this.  My addiction to security and safety and reassurance is still very strong but I am feeling a growing desire to challenge this addiction.

Is my relationship with God my first and highest priority?  Not yet. If not, why not? What is blocking my relationship with God? Fear mostly and I need to challenge this if I am ever to get past this block to my relationship with God.

There can be NO addiction in my relationship with God (addiction is born out of fear and a willingness to avoid my real self and God will only connect with my real self). What is the investment that I have with my errors that block my relationship with God?

If I am honest here I will admit that I still feel that I want or need the approval of others. I want to be liked and respected which indicates that I did not feel liked or respected as a child. There is still much pain here for me to feel especially around the way children were treated in Catholic schools when I was growing up.  Fear was a powerful weapon in gaining submission and control and I still find it difficult to face my fear.  With God's help I will get through this.

When I have a truly passionate desire for God my relationship with God becomes my highest priority and I will be humble in every interaction I have with all of God's creation.

I feel that this is, and will continue to be, a work in progress until I become at one with God.

When I fully embrace my relationship with God every other relationship WILL be challenged. Don't I know it!!!

Humility will never attempt to shut down or reprogram my emotions (doesn’t engage in addictive behaviour).  Humility will engage every situation that will help me connect to God and my real self. I am slowly learning this.

Humility gives up control and embraces life fully (without fear). This is a tough one – giving up control!  In order to avoid my pain I have learnt to control everything around me.  Letting go of control is very challenging but also rewarding because when I do let of of control I am letting God direct  my life and who better to have at the helm than the supreme commander of the universe and all that is? When I am humble I will not try to juggle my life or control every situation, I will allow God to show me the way forward. Letting go of control is HARD!!

When I am humble I will be willing to embrace emotional terror and not try to manage it.

I struggle, struggle, struggle with this and pray for God's assistance.

Humility never gets angry, resentful or blaming of others, the environment or the situation.

When you are humble you will not feel that you have to give up anything.  Do I really have anything without God?

I feel that I am getting better at this – letting go of anger or resentment and allowing myself to feel what is beneath it – most of the time!

Humility has faith that God WILL provide everything that I will ever need.

So to challenge this fear that I have that God won't bother about me, I need to step into the fear and risk everything trusting that I am truly the creates of God's creation, the most wonderful of Her handiwork and the object of Her love and tenderest care.  If God provides everything for all of Her other creatures surely She will provide for me.  Right?  This still feels scary to me at the moment.

When I am humble I will be willing to be as I truly am and to take full responsibility for EVERY aspect of my life.

I feel that I am growing here – slowly.

Humility recognizes that I am the only person who is capable of changing me and when I do this with God's help the process is faster and complete.

When I began this process I found I was constantly wanting to shift the blame, wanting someone else to take responsibility and take away my pain.  I wanted to be rescued. But God does not rescue and I have had to learn to be fully responsible for all the errors that are in my soul no matter how they got there.  It doesn't matter how the errors got into my soul – they are there and I have acted upon them to cause further error – mostly by trying to avoid the pain or cover it up.  So now it is up to me to release the error – no one else can do that for me because no one else fully knows the extent of the error and the pain in my soul.  God can assist with this process but only when I am willing to take full responsibility and acknowledge the extent of the pain within me and the pain I have caused others because of these errors. Humility teaches that I must honour myself – my entire experience. If I am willing to do this I will be willing to feel all of my pain and release it.

Humility acknowledges my own unloving behaviour without minimization or dismissal.

When I am truly humble I will desire with all of my heart to experience the Law of compensation.  I won't avoid acknowledging my own unloving behaviour and I will want to know the full extent of the harm I have caused others (especially my own children). A humble heart is repentant and contrite about their unloving actions.

Repentance is a powerful healer and helps to fast-track the healing process. I have shed many tears for the harm I have caused my children and others due to the errors in my soul and there are many more still to flow.  There is still much resistance to this at times but when I am humble God can assist me in the process and the reward of His love flowing into my soul is worth every tear shed, every pain felt.

Humility is NOT self-punishment.  Self-punishment is a form of arrogance.

Unfortunately the subtleties of self- punishment make it easy to dismiss but I am learning that when I refuse to be humble and allow the full expression of my pain I am punishing myself.  Why?

When I am truly humble I will desire wholeheartedly to feel the causal emotion in me about my unloving behaviour regardless of what that emotion is. When I am truly humble I won't need courage I will just Feel.

Again, I still have a long way to go to be at this point, I still need lots of courage to get me into and through an emotional error and into truth and love.

Humility is a desire to become a trusting child of God again – soft, open, vulnerable, honest and sensitive. This desire is growing.

Humility opens the doorway to Love and Truth – lack of humility blocks your connection with your guides. In order to feel Love you need to be humble and soft.

My connection with my guides is still haphazard at best so I know I have a lot to learn about putting humility into practice.

Questions for Reflection.

1.     Do I tend to justify or minimize anger or rage? Yes – often. I am afraid of anger and often want to avoid it.

2.     Do I have a strong resistance to feeling my fear? Yes – if I didn't I would allow the expression of fear without judgement or trying to control it.  But I am more accepting og allowing the experience of my fear than I am of anger.

3.     Do I use my intellect to tell myself that I am over that now? No.  If anything it is the opposite.  I tend to tell myself that there is still more to go.  I find it hard to accept that God could have healed that part of my soul.

4.     Do I resist seeing the damage that I have done and avoid taking full responsibility for the harm I have caused? I don't think so.  I have a huge desire to learn to love and part of that is taking responsibility for the harm I have caused and correcting that.

5.     Do I want someone to rescue me? Often I do but this is growing less and my desire to take full personal responsibility grows.

Humility opens the door to Truth, Truth opens the door to Divine Love and Divine Love leads to the transformation of the soul.  Must learn to be Humble if we want to become a Divine Child of God.

Lessons in Humility - session 1

Today (15^th April 2013) I am beginning what will likely become a two month focus on lessons in Humility. 

My plan is to re-listen to each of the five interviews on Humility with Jesus and Mary and allow myself to feel and reflect upon the points that touch my soul.  I plan to listen to one talk each week, however some talks might flow over a couple of week, and pray that I will find the courage and the willingness to fully embrace the lessons in each talk. 

If you would like to join me on this journey I would welcome your thoughts, feelings and insights as we work our way through the talks together. 

Each week I’ll post a link to the relevant talk here and at the end of the week I’ll share my learnings, challenges, revelations and joys as I step more fully into Humility and God reliance.  I don’t expect that this will be a flawless but the intention is there and I’ll do my best to stick to the original plan of one interview each week for five weeks.

Lesson One – AnIntroduction to Humility – 1.04.00hrs

The points in this talk that spoke to me.

1.       Humility is the most essential quality that we can develop in our progression towards God.

Jesus’ definition of humility – a passionate desire to feel and experience all of my emotions, whether they are pleasurable or painful, without blaming or attempting to control my environment in any way.

I am noticing that I still often judge the emotion too much – especially anger – and especially when I am in the company of others. I am allowing fear to dictate most of my life instead of humility.  And when I do have the humility to allow the emotion to surface in the company of others I allow others to shut the emotion down rather than challenge them as to why they do not want me to feel my emotions. I want to fit in – to feel ‘normal’. But what the world considers ‘normal’ is far from God’s definition of normal.  If I had to guess at what God’s definition of ‘normal’ might be I would say that Normal is to live a life of passion and desire where we feel all of our emotions as they arise, without fear of judgement, condemnation or criticism. Normal is to be our true selves, as God created us to be, and to rejoice in our differences and uniqueness.  Instead what I see and feel in this world is a world where we are made to toe the line, to not stand out, to make others feel better about themselves, even at our own expense. And this is not love.  No wonder this world is in such a mess right now.  What we need is more humility and I can begin to impact the world by growing my soul, especially in humility because it is the doorway to God’s Truth and Love.

2.       Humility teaches me that I must learn to submit to my own emotions – not those of others.  It teaches me to desire a clear understanding of my true self as I currently am at this moment.

I still struggle with this.  Who am I really?  Who is the me that God created? Who would I be if I did not have these errors in my soul?  What would my true passions and desires be? What would my life look and feel like?  From a very young age the world has conspired against us and we have been taught to conform to the image that others have of us – to be the person that will cause the least amount of distress to our parents, teachers, community. And in that process we lose our real selves.  I want to find me again – the real me that God created.  To do this I must first grow in humility, then open my soul to God’s Truth so that I might grow in Love and understanding.

3.       Humility allows us to be our true self in each moment without having to think about ourselves in that moment.  It is being comfortable with ourselves as we are and allows interactions based upon feelings and not thoughts. Pre-humility is when we are filtering our emotions through our thoughts.

I feel that I am very much in a state of pre-humility.  I still feel most of the time that I am not allowed to feel what I feel and I find myself constantly monitoring the situation – avoiding – avoiding Truth, avoiding Love – avoiding perceived pain.

4.       Humility is knowing who you are without elevation or deprecation. True humility is a journey towards at-onement with God. We need to allow ourselves to be the injured mess, to know that we have injuries and allow ourselves to be that injured person – not the façade self that we learnt to create in order to avoid the pain that we were not allowed to feel.

Fear prevents full acceptance of my injured self because I don’t like what I see.  I need to learn to break through the fear in order to see God’s truth about me. At the moment I am still very much taking baby steps.  I have faith that change is possible but too often I allow fear to prevent me from accessing the causal grief that will allow my soul to heal.

5.       Humility is a willingness to feel childlike and powerless.  It has a respect for God and God’s Truths

I still struggle with allowing myself to feel powerless and vulnerable all the time. I am challenging myself to follow God’s Laws by firstly challenging myself to follow man’s laws (at least the ones which are made in some sort of love) – stopping at stop signs that don’t need to be there when a give way sign would be just as effective – driving 40kmhr through road works or 60kmph in areas that really could safely be 70 or 80kmph and feeling the projections of anger and rage from those behind me. I find this is at time quite challenging and often frustrating but if I find it difficult to obey man’s laws I will find it impossible (at times) to obey all of God’s Laws which are not negotiable).

6.       To be humble all of the time you will have the ability to be your injured self all the times without being conscious of yourself very much at all (no self-judgement or self-consciousness).

I notice that I still constantly monitor myself based upon who I am with – I am much more my injured self with some people (mostly others on the path who do not judge my injured self as much).

7.       To be humble all of the time we will feel everything as we feel it – our emotions are written on our faces and we allow the complete reflection of our true/injured self in every situation. We will be who we truly are and will be less defensive about what we are feeling.

I am getting better at this but still do not allow the full expression of the emotion for fear of judgement.  I don’t often remove myself from others and allow the emotion to be fully expressed as it surfaces (fear of judgement). I then have to re-access the emotion at a later date – if I remember what it was. I often judge the emotion and myself rather than allow the full expression of it – but I am getting better at this. I am noticing how confronted people are when they turn up at my house and I am feeling into stuff  – mostly they immediately want to make me feel better (so they don’t have to feel their stuff). Or when I am out and emotions surface people want to avoid me and I can often feel their projections of ‘what’s the matter with her?’

8.       When you are humble you will always talk about truth and love and act in harmony with truth and love – not in defence of self but in honour of truth and love. You will not be concerned about the judgement of others and will honour God’s Love and Truth above yourself even if you are afraid. Humility allows you to focus on saying the truth in harmony with love and you will examine yourself first against the general principles of Love and Truth.

I love talking about God’s Truth and Love – the problem is that very few people want to engage a conversation about God’s Truth and Love.  I guess fear is the reason why.  Fear is the reason why I do not always engage a discussion about Truth and Love preferring instead to say nothing.  I am noticing that once the basic pleasantries are out of the way conversation lulls – it gets boring as people want me to pander to their addictions.  I am beginning to challenge myself more to speak the truth about what I am feeling in an interaction regardless of the consequences and to do this I must push through fear.  I must learn to feel myself first and let go of the intellect and trust my feelings. Too often still I pander to my fear – I allow it to control me and this has to stop.

9.       When you are humble you will treat yourself the same as others. “The only reason that you would modify yourself in company is because you are so afraid of somebody else treating you badly as a result of you being who you are or you have a lot of self-judgement about being who you are and both of these positions are positions of arrogance actually, not humility” (29.39min)

I still struggle with this and often put others before myself – my challenge is to learn to love and honour myself as God loves and honours me – the same as everyone else. I also need to let go of self-judgement and learn to acknowledge and accept my injured self.

10.   When others treat me unlovingly I will always look at myself first – what is the error in me that allowed this person to harm me?

I feel that I am getting better at this one – I find that less and less I am blaming another for their unloving treatment of me but rather looking at what in me allowed this interaction to occur.  It is tough.

11.   Humility is honouring God’s Laws and gifts.  Humility has no need to compete.  It recognizes that we all have unique gifts and talents and that God has created a universe which allows each and every one of Her children to shine and revel in our passions and desires.

I so wish that the world would get this – there is no need for competition. When I honour God’s Laws and God’s gifts I will have everything that I will ever need.  One of God’s Laws and gifts that I am struggling with at the moment is insects – God created all creation to be of benefit to humanity – including those pesky insects that I find so annoying, so what is the injury in me that allows me to kill God’s creation without remorse?

12.    When you are humble you will only examine yourself through God’s eyes.  You will know that you are allowed to be who you are and won’t worry about what anyone else thinks even when you know they feel badly about you.

This point will happen when we are at-one with God – it is a slow process and one that will be achieved through persistence, patience and the exercise of my own will.  I need to let go of judgement of the process being too slow and embrace faith more fully – faith that change is possible, that I can become at-one with God while still on earth.

13.   To enter into a relationship with God and to receive Truths from God you have got to be in a very humble place emotionally.  It is our interactions with God that are a true test of humility. Humility is the cornerstone of my relationship with God and we must exercise our will in order to exercise true humility.

This point raises the question – how much do I want a relationship with God? Is my relationship with God the most important thing in my life? Truthfully I would have to say no – I still too often put my relationship with my soulmate before my relationship with God.  The problem with this is that this soulmate relationship is still very addictive and this actually keeps me away from God.  But I want the security that this relationship brings and I am not yet willing to trust God enough to know that He will provide for me even better than my soulmate can.  In this I am avoiding a lot of personal responsibility and I am not loving myself very much – I love my mate more – I want to nurture and care for him.  This is really very arrogant as in doing this I am denying him his relationship with God – wow!!! What does this mean now?  Where do I go from here? When will I learn to trust that when I focus on God first all else will be added to me?

14.   God existed before me therefore God must know more than me.  We must be humble in order to learn from God. “Humility opens my soul enough for me to hear God.  Without humility we cannot hear God …to hear God we must be in a very, very humble place … I am going to hear God through my feelings …humility is all about emotions therefore I must be in an emotionally humble place … so I can hear God’s feeling about every matter… without humility there is no truth … when you are humble you hear with your heart.”

Over the past four years I have had the privilege of hearing God’s truth about me on several occasions – God has shown me why I have certain errors in my soul and how to let these go.  He has shown me what I need to focus on and what I need to feel but I need to allow myself to be truly humble to my emotions for this to occur. I wish I could hear God more often – obviously I am not humble enough yet – there is much pride, arrogance, fear and anger that I need to let go of in order to become truly humble.

15.   Humility is the doorway to Divine Truth. Divine Truth is the doorway to Divine Love.  God is constantly trying to get us into humility.  God loves everything about you, if you are truly humble you will let God tell you about you.  The best course of action is humility – humility needs to be the first course of action.  Learn from every experience.  When we are truly humble we will never try to manage our emotions ever again.

God speaks to us through the Law of Attraction – everything that happens to me is a result of God’s Law of Attraction showing me where I am at with my relationship with God.  I love that God has made it so simple for us to monitor our progress but I am still so bound up in fear to even notice what God is telling me most of the time. I pray that I will be able to stop honouring fear and trust in God’s Love and Truth in every moment.

16.   “God has this beautiful ideal of our potential, the thing that He created us to be and what we are so bound up in is our own impressions of ourselves that while we are so bound up in these impressions it is impossible for us to ever be what God created us to be.  To be what God created us to be we have got to throw out what our current perceptions of ourselves currently is and we have got to allow God, through this relationship, to show us what we truthfully are.” (49.00min)

There is still so much arrogance for me to work through beginning with the arrogant stand that I have had that I am not arrogant – such a furphy from God’s perspective.  If I am not truly humble as Jesus teaches us to be humble then I am in arrogance.  Arrogance prevents humility. WOW! There is much here for me to feel.

17.   The two steps to Humility

·       Learn to become as the child was in humility – no judgement, ridicule or criticism – of self or others. Go back to the time and place when I was a child.  This needs to be a positive choice.  Go back to the little child (innocent, trusting, full of wonder and joy, vulnerable and open).

·       Become an everlasting student of everything and allow every feeling and truth that God has to enter you.  Allow your soul to perpetually grow and expand.  Become like a sponge – absorb everything that God want to teach you.  Expand our ability to absorb more of God’s Truth and Love.  The childlike state causes God-reliance.  We need to have a child-like humility to grow beyond the 6^th sphere.

Learning to Let Love in.

I have been struggling with loving myself most of my life.  It is as if there is a deep self-loathing that I don’t yet fully understand and I am finding it difficult to work my way through this emotionally.  I received a clue to this recently when I re-listened to the Divine Truth Talk on Emotions and the Mother Taboo (www.divinetruth.com - June 26^th 2010 – also on the Divine Truth YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8VzVIYHpOE&list=PLF04C988375DCDF23&index=47 ). At around 51mins into the talk AJ shared this statement When you suppress anger what finishes up happening is called resentment … if you are a woman suppressing anger towards mother you’re going to end up resenting yourself as a woman as well as resenting your mother.  It is the same if you are a man suppressing your anger towards your father.

I know I have a lot of repressed anger in my soul.  My body has been telling me this for years – acne, thrush, tinea – these are all ‘angry’ conditions in the body characterized by inflammation and I have had them all.  But it is difficult to access or work through anger fully when you have a deep fear of anger.  It is not so much the underlying fear that I am afraid of (although it could be) but more a fear of the anger itself that I need to access in order to get to the deeper cause of the dis-ease in my soul. 

I hate anger! 

I hate receiving it. 

I hate expressing it! 

Anger terrifies me and I have a lot of judgements about it all of which are born from my childhood (as are most of the errors in our souls).  But if I am ever to heal the errors in my soul, and therefore my body, I need to let go of the judgements that I have about anger and allow my soul to express all of the anger which has been pent up for most of my life.  This is a huge challenge for me and is blocking me from accessing the deeper grief within my soul which is preventing my connection with God from growing.  I have been praying about this a lot lately.

Recently when I was working through some emotions I had a bit of a revelation.

God loves me.

God loves me despite my faults and errors. 

God loves ME despite my unloving thoughts, feelings and actions. 

God loves ME despite my imperfection. 

God loves me even though I am fat and often feel stupid and inadequate. 

God has always loved me.

And God does not make mistakes.  Ever.  So if God loves me and I have felt this love and know it is real, and if God does not make mistakes; that means that I must be loveable. This is God’s Truth.  I am supremely loveable as I currently am.  I do not need to be slim, fit, young, smart and beautiful to be loveable.  God loves me as I currently am.  I am one of the greatest of God’s creation, the most wonderful of His handiworks and the object of Her great love and tenderest care.

God loves me as I currently am therefore I must be loveable as I currently am.  I don’t need to be anyone other than myself to be loveable. I have repeated this a lot here because I still don’t get this emotionally – at a soul level.  I understand this intellectually but I struggle to ‘get it’ at the soul level. 

I have spent much of my life modifying myself in order to please others.  Searching for love any way I can.  What I didn’t understand was that God loves me exactly as I am.  God created me as a perfect human being, a perfect half of a soul and I don’t need to be anything other than myself. 

The problem is that for most of my childhood being myself didn’t seem to be acceptable.  I was taught ‘to be a good girl’; ‘to behave myself’; ‘to not do this or that’.  It seemed that I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.  I was moulded to ‘fit’ the accepted norm at the time.  And I didn’t understand this connection that God wants with all of Her children; that God craves from all of His children. The Catholic Church doesn’t teach about a personal relationship with God.  It taught me that I need a priest in order to have a relationship with God.  That I must obey its laws – most of which are not in harmony with God’s Laws and are manipulative, controlling and driven by fear, power and control.  This is what I grew up with.

Now I am learning that I do not need anyone else to have a relationship with God; that my relationship with God is personal and unique. And it feels right. My challenge is now to accept the gift of God’s Love and come to believe what God already knows – that as Her daughter I am supremely loveable.  I am a prefect creation of God’s and She does not make mistakes – EVER!  I AM loveable just as I am in this moment.

While a tiny flicker of a light is going on in my soul as this truth begins to take hold the demon I am really struggling with right now is to learn to love myself, to learn to forgive myself for all of the unloving actions I have taken in the past (and there have been many).  Until I can learn to do that – to forgive myself – it will be very difficult to learn to love myself or others.  I need to remind myself of this truth every day.

God loves me exactly as I am in this moment.  She has never stopped loving me.

I have felt God’s Love and I know it is real.  God loves me therefore I am loveable.

This needs to become my daily mantra.  My daily prayer needs to be “Please God, help me to overcome the barriers that prevent me from accepting Your Truth – that I am loveable exactly as I am.”

I still struggle with this but with God’s help and Grace I will eventually allow this truth to sink deep into my soul and become a knowing, a reality.  When I can do this I will be able to love others more freely and without expectation.  I will be able to give more of myself.

There is a lot of grief that I need to feel still as to why this is not already a truth in my soul.