Gentle is the Language of God

Gentle is the Language of God

Last month I found that I was in a lot of resistance to feeling God's Truth about anything.  I could feel this resistance in my body, in the way my body was operating – lots more stiffness, constipation and general blocks within my body.  When I get like this I pray constantly to overcome the resistance that I have to feeling the blocks. Sometimes I am able to break through the resistance easily and soften into the emotions.

Not this time!  This time the resistance was HUGE!

I was fortunate enough to secure an appointment with an old friend who is a Kinesologist. Daniel was able to help me break through some of this resistance in a very loving way.  During the session he received a message – Gentle is the Language of God. My guides confirmed this. 

I prayed about this a lot and felt into the truth of it.  Resistance began to crumble and in less than 24 hours I was able to break through the resistance and step into humility and I received many realizations over a four or five hour period, which I feel came from my guide - Peter. I would like to share these with you here.

I have included my own comments or thoughts in brackets and in italics. 

This was received on the 16^th of April 2014

                                               ………………………………

(My prayer was - how do I break through this resistance – what do I need to do?)

HUMILITY is the key – if I am I being truly humble I will …

Ø  TRUST.  If I trust I will …

Ø  ACT. (this was what I was avoiding – taking action, I didn't want to feel my anger!). When I act in harmony with Love I receive…

Ø  TRUTH. When Truth is allowed to permeate with my soul I receive …

Ø  LOVE. It is Love that will change my soul by healing my errors and bringing peace.

Gentle is the Language of God.

(How can I gently sink into Humility whilst honouring my soul?)

      RESISTANCE blocks the flow of truth and allows …

Ø  FEAR to control.  Do I want to be controlled?  Why?  Why not? FEAR leads to …

Ø  AVOIDANCE of my real self.  Do I really want to know the real me?  AVOIDANCE  leads to …

Ø  PAIN – physical, emotional and psychological. In this space I am NOT being gentle with myself.  Why do I want to hold onto pain?  PAIN in turn leads to …

Ø  FEAR which leads to …

Ø  RESISTANCE which blocks the flow of truth and love.  It is a cycle which, if allowed, will repeat itself until I allow…

It takes HUMILITY + TRUST + ACTION to break down the brick wall of RESISTANCE.

When the brick wall begins to crumble more light will come in.

LIGHT = LOVE.

Gentle is the Language of God.

HUMILITY = TRUST and will lead to ACTION

ACTION will lead to HUMILITY + TRUST + TRUTH + LOVE.

LOVE will lead to HEALING + PEACE + JOY + MORE LOVE.

LOVE feeds itself.  LOVE is the only food that Love needs.

Gentle is the Language of God

Learn to step into Humility GENTLY

Learn to Trust GENTLY.

Take Action GENTLY.

Truth will always flow GENTLY.

Love will always heal GENTLY.

Gentle is the key to progress.  Learn to …

LOVE yourself gently.

SPEAK about yourself (internally) and others gently.

WALK in the world gently.

EAT gently – choose only loving foods.

INTERACT with yourself, others and God gently.

GENTLE = LOVE

LOVE = GENTLE.

If what you are doing does not FEEL gentle it is out of harmony with Love.

GENTLE = LOVE.

Gentle is the Language of God

Resistance is NOT gentle – resistance is hard and harsh. Let go of resistance and soften into feeling the fear that lies beneath it.

Fear I s NOT gentle.  Fear destroys. Step into fear so that it might be released. Holding onto fear creates pain and discomfort.

Anger is NOT gentle. Holding onto anger is destructive.  Anger is begging to be released.  Just like fire, anger, when released in a loving way, can be helpful. But when we hold onto anger it is like a wildfire that is totally out of control and very destructive.  Release the anger so it can be harnessed into something positive.

Gentle is the Language of God

If we want to communicate with God we must learn to be gentle in every aspect of our lives 100% of the time.

Gentle is the Language of God.

Gentle = Love

Gentle = Soft

Gentle = Trust

Gentle = Humility

Gentle = Truth.

Gentle is the Language of God.

When I allow fear to control I am avoiding personal responsibility.  I am allowing others to direct my life so that I do not have to make decisions for myself.

I want others to make decisions for me because in the past I got into severe trouble for making my own decisions - for following my desires. I go into trouble for making my own decisions because my decisions created fear in others.

They did not want to feel their fear.  They did not want to be humble. They did not want to trust God.  Instead, they punished me for following my desires.  They punished me for making decisions. They punished me for being the real me.

They did not want to feel their fear so instead, they instilled fear in me.  And they have used fear to control me most of my life!

AND I ALLOWED IT!!!

Because of this, I have not yet lived the life that my soul truly desires.

Am I going to allow this to continue?

The ONLY way to change this is to step into HUMILITY and TRUST that God is holding me in this space and I must TAKE ACTION to feel and release Anger and Fear and allow God's TRUTH and LOVE to heal my broken soul.

I must be HUMBLE enough to TRUST and ACT before TRUTH and LOVE can heal.

Gentle is the Language of God.

Love's only food is Love and Love has a voracious appetite.

                        .....................

Resistance to Humility

I seriously can't believe that it has been four months since I last wrote!  Apparently I am still in huge resistance to humility.  So today I thought I would write about resistance to humility from a personal perspective.

Why do I resist humility?  Well the simple answer is FEAR! This might seem extreme but when being truly humble means that you are willing to fully feel all of your emotions as they arise, no matter where you are or who you are with, you can see how easy it could be to allow fear to dominate and shut down your true soul's desires! 

For me personally my greatest fear is fear of judgement, ridicule, condemnation and banishment.  What will people think if something they say or do brings to the surface something that makes me angry?  How will they respond if I excuse myself mid conversation and start screaming or bashing something or throw a tantrum like I was two years old?  Seriously, how would you feel if someone did that to you?

What if this emotion comes up when I am in a shopping centre?  Will they think I am mad and call the police?

Now, my experience has been that unless you are aware of the teachings of Divine Truth  www.divinetruth.com you will likely be confronted by such behaviour and have some judgement of it.  And unless you are willing to feel that, you will be projecting your denied emotions back onto the person who is allowing the expression of their emotion. And unless they are very grounded in Truth there is a high likelihood that that person will stop feeling what they need to feel in order to feel safe.

It is rare for me to allow the expression of anger as it arises when in public, mostly because I am afraid of judgement, ridicule, criticism and condemnation.  But what this really means is that I do not yet fully trust that God has my back.  That God will protect me and that God's Love and approval is all that I really need.  And that I already have that. This is a childhood fear resulting from the lack of approval from my parents when I was a child and their constant demands and projections that I be or do as they want me to in order to help them avoid their own emotions, their own fears. 

This was not always the case - there were times when I did gain their approval but that was mostly when I was being or doing whatever made them happy. In short, I was not allowed to be my real self most of the time and quickly learnt to modify my behaviour and personality to suit them.  And this has caused much grief within me - I feel that I am not good enough.  I have spent most of my life afraid to be my real self.  And so it makes sense that now that I want to challenge these errors within my soul that fear will arise whenever I attempt to be my real self - to feel what I am really feeling.  It brings back childhood memories and fears that I must now work through if I ever want to be free of these errors and learn to be my authentic self - the me that God created.

I am getting better at allowing the expression of fear, shame or grief to surface when I am with others but far too often I do not remove myself in order to allow the full expression of the emotion without harming another person.  I allow myself to touch upon and acknowledge the emotion but too often I prevent its full expression. But I rarely allow the expression of anger when I am in public or even when I am within earshot of others.

Why is this?

Well, if I am to be honest I would say that I still feel responsible for the emotions of others around me.  What if, by feeling my emotions, someone else felt bad about themselves?  This is an irrational fear I know - I am not responsible for anyone else's emotions unless they are my children.  I might trigger something in someone else that makes them feel bad, sad, angry, ashamed, fearful - but I did not create that emotion in them - I am not responsible for their emotions. 

Why then do I so often feel responsible?  The real truth of this is that I was made to feel responsible for the emotions of the adults in my world when I was a small child - especially for my parents emotions.  I had a job to do as a child (as most children do) and that was to make my parents feel better about themselves.  I did this to my own children and am now finding that following the maze of emotions back to their original cause is difficult and often confronting - especially when I am with others.  I am also experiencing great remorse as I feel how damaging this was to my child-self and how damaging it has been to my own children.

Allowing myself to be truly humble is especially confronting when I am with people who do not want to feel their own emotions - who still want me to make them feel better about themselves and help them to avoid their own pain.  But this is not my job - it never has been my job as far as God is concerned.  From God's perspective we are each responsible for every emotion within us regardless of how the error got there.

At this point it may be useful for me to explain a little about emotions and how they enter us.  From the moment of conception the pristine soul, which is extremely sensitive, begins to absorb the emotions of its environment.  This is the system that God designed for us to be able to come to know ourselves, through our emotions.  This means that we begin to absorb everything - from our parents denied emotions, to their expressed emotions (good and bad), as well as the emotions of every person they/we come in contact with, and the prevailing societal emotions in the area we are brought up in.  When a person denies their emotions they automatically project that emotion back into its environment.  This is why I can be personally responsible for or have a part in the creation of negative world events.  I am a part of this world therefore I contribute to the overall health or dis-ease of the world through my emotions - both good and bad.  Now many people will feel that this is a little far fetched but if you allow yourself to really feel into this you will soon see the logic of this system.  Science has already proven this (the butterfly effect) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butterfly_effect

So emotions enter us from the moment of conception and continue to do so throughout our formative years.  Most emotional errors enter us by the time we are seven or eight years of age and often effect our personalities.  From about seven or eight we begin to make decisions for ourselves and by the time we are teenagers we are capable of making decisions independent of our parents.  In fact we are capable of this at a much younger age but far too often we are not given the opportunity to do so.  It is the decisions that we make based upon the emotions within us that create further damage to our souls or help us to grow in love.  Regardless of how an emotion entered me I am the only person who can release it.  I must be personally responsible for myself.  There is no magic wand. 

Emotion is in effect energy in motion.  It is a feeling and negative emotions can only be released from our souls through allowing ourselves to feel them.

This is where humility comes in.  And this is where fear so often prevents us from being truly humble.  And the definition of humility that I am using is the ability to feel all of our emotions as they arise, to be our true authentic selves - not our façade self (the self we present to the world in order to feel loved and accepted).

So, getting back to resistance to humility - I have already mentioned that fear plays a large part in resistance to humility and for me it is the most important reason why I resist true humility.  And fear, like any other emotion, is energy in motion and the only way I can overcome fear at the soul level is to feel it.  This means that I will need to learn to allow myself to shake and to breathe deeply and diaphragmatically whenever I confront fear. I want to learn to do this more openly and honestly. 

I want to challenge my fears as this is the only way that I will ever learn to be truly humble.  So if you ever seem me shaking in public please, just allow me to feel my fear.  I do not always know what it will be about but when I allow myself to get past the fear to the grief I will always learn the truth - the emotion tells me the truth as long as I do not try to control it or second-guess it (and this is another challenge with humility - allowing - trusting).  And if I suddenly excuse myself and walk away and you hear me yelling or bashing - please - be grateful that I am not projecting my anger onto you and that I am allowing myself to be  my authentic self.  And if you need to, allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel also without blame.  This is self-responsibility.  This is love in action.  This is Humility.

Learning to Let Love in.

I have been struggling with loving myself most of my life.  It is as if there is a deep self-loathing that I don’t yet fully understand and I am finding it difficult to work my way through this emotionally.  I received a clue to this recently when I re-listened to the Divine Truth Talk on Emotions and the Mother Taboo (www.divinetruth.com - June 26^th 2010 – also on the Divine Truth YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8VzVIYHpOE&list=PLF04C988375DCDF23&index=47 ). At around 51mins into the talk AJ shared this statement When you suppress anger what finishes up happening is called resentment … if you are a woman suppressing anger towards mother you’re going to end up resenting yourself as a woman as well as resenting your mother.  It is the same if you are a man suppressing your anger towards your father.

I know I have a lot of repressed anger in my soul.  My body has been telling me this for years – acne, thrush, tinea – these are all ‘angry’ conditions in the body characterized by inflammation and I have had them all.  But it is difficult to access or work through anger fully when you have a deep fear of anger.  It is not so much the underlying fear that I am afraid of (although it could be) but more a fear of the anger itself that I need to access in order to get to the deeper cause of the dis-ease in my soul. 

I hate anger! 

I hate receiving it. 

I hate expressing it! 

Anger terrifies me and I have a lot of judgements about it all of which are born from my childhood (as are most of the errors in our souls).  But if I am ever to heal the errors in my soul, and therefore my body, I need to let go of the judgements that I have about anger and allow my soul to express all of the anger which has been pent up for most of my life.  This is a huge challenge for me and is blocking me from accessing the deeper grief within my soul which is preventing my connection with God from growing.  I have been praying about this a lot lately.

Recently when I was working through some emotions I had a bit of a revelation.

God loves me.

God loves me despite my faults and errors. 

God loves ME despite my unloving thoughts, feelings and actions. 

God loves ME despite my imperfection. 

God loves me even though I am fat and often feel stupid and inadequate. 

God has always loved me.

And God does not make mistakes.  Ever.  So if God loves me and I have felt this love and know it is real, and if God does not make mistakes; that means that I must be loveable. This is God’s Truth.  I am supremely loveable as I currently am.  I do not need to be slim, fit, young, smart and beautiful to be loveable.  God loves me as I currently am.  I am one of the greatest of God’s creation, the most wonderful of His handiworks and the object of Her great love and tenderest care.

God loves me as I currently am therefore I must be loveable as I currently am.  I don’t need to be anyone other than myself to be loveable. I have repeated this a lot here because I still don’t get this emotionally – at a soul level.  I understand this intellectually but I struggle to ‘get it’ at the soul level. 

I have spent much of my life modifying myself in order to please others.  Searching for love any way I can.  What I didn’t understand was that God loves me exactly as I am.  God created me as a perfect human being, a perfect half of a soul and I don’t need to be anything other than myself. 

The problem is that for most of my childhood being myself didn’t seem to be acceptable.  I was taught ‘to be a good girl’; ‘to behave myself’; ‘to not do this or that’.  It seemed that I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.  I was moulded to ‘fit’ the accepted norm at the time.  And I didn’t understand this connection that God wants with all of Her children; that God craves from all of His children. The Catholic Church doesn’t teach about a personal relationship with God.  It taught me that I need a priest in order to have a relationship with God.  That I must obey its laws – most of which are not in harmony with God’s Laws and are manipulative, controlling and driven by fear, power and control.  This is what I grew up with.

Now I am learning that I do not need anyone else to have a relationship with God; that my relationship with God is personal and unique. And it feels right. My challenge is now to accept the gift of God’s Love and come to believe what God already knows – that as Her daughter I am supremely loveable.  I am a prefect creation of God’s and She does not make mistakes – EVER!  I AM loveable just as I am in this moment.

While a tiny flicker of a light is going on in my soul as this truth begins to take hold the demon I am really struggling with right now is to learn to love myself, to learn to forgive myself for all of the unloving actions I have taken in the past (and there have been many).  Until I can learn to do that – to forgive myself – it will be very difficult to learn to love myself or others.  I need to remind myself of this truth every day.

God loves me exactly as I am in this moment.  She has never stopped loving me.

I have felt God’s Love and I know it is real.  God loves me therefore I am loveable.

This needs to become my daily mantra.  My daily prayer needs to be “Please God, help me to overcome the barriers that prevent me from accepting Your Truth – that I am loveable exactly as I am.”

I still struggle with this but with God’s help and Grace I will eventually allow this truth to sink deep into my soul and become a knowing, a reality.  When I can do this I will be able to love others more freely and without expectation.  I will be able to give more of myself.

There is a lot of grief that I need to feel still as to why this is not already a truth in my soul.

Love is all that matters

I knew it had been a while since I had last posted anything but FOUR MONTHS!!!  That's rediculous!!  so here is my new year's resolution - TAKE ACTION!!  So many things have come to me over that time and for whatever reason - fear - unworthiness - I have not posted my thoughts, fears, challenges, reflections.  So I'll start afresh now with this post.  It's short but confronting on many levels.

Something that came to me recently - very challenging to consider.

In Cahos theory the butterfly effect suggests that everything in the universe is connected in very sensitive ways.  This being the case I realized that when I hold on to my anger and fear I am contributing to every conflict, war or violent crime anywhere in the world.  The only way to heal the world is through LOVE and Love and anger can not co-exist.  Love and fear can not co-exist.  In order to heal the world I need to heal my soul.  I need to release all of my anger and rage and I need to confront my fear. Crap!! it was so much easier to cruise along before I had this realization and continue denying my anger and fear.  Time to step up a notch.  If only I could really believe that fear is my friend! Getting better with anger though so that's a start. Note to self - remember this - LOVE is the most powerful force in the universe.  Love is all that really matters.

So the challenge this year is to TAKE ACTION on every level - confront my fear - release my anger and rage - engage my desires.  It's time to stop pretending don't you think?

love

Linda

Lessons from the movie The Road

Yesterday I watched the movie “The Road” in an attempt to feel into some fears around earth changes which we will likely to be soon experiencing. 

This is a movie set in post war America some time in the future where the landscape is totally annihilated.  Everything is gray, bleak, dirty and cold, including the human condition.  I thought that this movie might trigger in me emotions around surviving earth changes but I found I had very little emotional connection with the movie.  Either I have worked through a lot of these emotions from watching “The Book of Eli” or I was in total denial.  I just could not believe that the human condition would sink so low in this time in history or even at some distant time in the future.  There has no doubt been a time in history when humans did sink this low (and perhaps even lower) and as always there remain little rays of hope in even the most desolate and desperate of conditions, but for me, this scenario did not seem real nor plausible at this time. And I would like to believe that as we raise our collective condition of love, with God’s Grace, there will never again be a time in human history when we revert to the bleakness and hopelessness that this picture portrays.  I suspect that it did however portray a fairly good depiction of life in the hells of the spirit world, a place that we all no doubt want to avoid.

After the movie I allowed myself to just sit with my feelings and watch what would surface.  Fear. Disbelief. Grief. 

I asked myself - how is it that the human condition could sink this low?  What is my part in this?

Eventually I had the realization that every time I choose to live in my fear and anger I contribute to the overall degradation of the human condition, but when I choose to face my fears and feel my grief love can now flow into my soul and the power of love is infinitely greater than the power of fear.  Jesus (as AJ) has taught us many times that Fear blocks Love.  Fear and Love can not exist in the same space.

My task then is to feel my fears, with God, release my anger, shame and grief and allow Love and Truth to govern every aspect of my life. This task is easier, quicker and much more effective if I allow God to guide me in this process.  This is called self-responsibility and God-reliance. 

I recognize that no mater how an error entered my soul, I alone am responsible for how that error affects my life. I alone can feel and release these errors, but when I relax into the process and Trust God, the process is much more rewarding.

I know this.

I have experienced this on numerous occasions.

So why then do I find it so difficult still to relax into trusting God totally in every situation?  What is the error, the block that I need to work through and overcome in order for me to trust God completely in every aspect of my life?

And why am I still choosing not to go there?

How can I change this?

For now prayer and faith are all that I have.  Faith that with God’s Guidance and Grace I will one day find the courage to remove these blocks, the obstacles that prevent love from flowing freely into and out of my soul.

Father, I kneel before You, your daughter, your servant, how may I help?  Give me the courage and the willingness, I pray, to face my fears and to step more fully into love, truth and trust.  Help me to be all that I was created to be so that I might better serve You through service to my brothers and sisters and all of Your creation.

Teach me to Love.

Linda

20.01.12

God's Love is Waiting

This past week has been difficult for me as I settle back into 'normal' life after a beautiful week away. I have been finding it difficult to connect to the deeper, more painful emotions, but on Monday I was able to allow myself to feel deeply into my pain and grief. It was a difficult processing to go through but for over three and a half hours I worked my way through fear, anger, shame, grief as the emotions seemed to cycle through many different paths. I find it challenging and often confusing - always confronting and I am very grateful for the Paryer for Divine Love that Jesus gave to James Padgett (see the Divine Truth web site ) and which I constantly repeat (in part or whole) as I work my way through the errors in my soul. One part of the prayer that I am particularly grateful for is the following - a part that I often reflect upon, especially when I am feeling very overwhelmed, this reflection was written on the fifteenth Feb 2011 but has also been very relevant this past week. I hope it helps.

.....................................................................................


“Let us never cease to realize that Your Love is waiting for each and all of us and that when we come to You in Faith and earnest aspiration Your Love will never be withheld from us….”

When I am stuck in my pain and confusion I often forget that God’s love is waiting for me and that all I have to do is to ask! This I feel is a self-punishment action and I am working on letting this go and on opening up my soul fully to God’s Love and Grace in my life.

I find that I am often questioning God about how earnest I need to be in order for this error to be lifted from my soul? Usually I am reminded that the extent of the grief that I am feeling is relative to the pain that I have experienced and that I have held onto as a result of this emotion and that in order to ‘let it go’ I need to experience it fully. Sometimes this means crying for several hours or days over weeks or even months.

I often find myself questioning my faith – asking myself “am I good enough?” This too is a self-punishing emotion and once this awareness surfaces I can usually surrender then to God’s Love as I pray for forgiveness of my doubt and for the courage to feel the grief of my unworthiness fully.

Linda Munster
15.02.11

One of the hardest emotions I am finding to work through is shame and I am noticing that as I work my way through some very painful emotions shame is surfacing more and more. this poem came to me as I worked my way through some shame based emotions.

Shame

Anger coursing through my veins
Controlling my every thought and deed
Sometimes bubbling into rage
More often disguised as being peeved
It is a relief to express this part of me
To express my anger and set my soul free

Shame washing over me
Heat rising within the very core of my being
Nowhere to hide
It is all consuming
Shame
Heat,
Melting

Shame permeating the very core of my being
Shaping who I become
God’s Laws showing me
The emotions I need to overcome
Shame buried deep within me
Blocking my road to freedom

Repentance creeping into my soul
Acknowledging my anger, my shame
Praying that God will forgive
The deepest, darkest parts of my pain
Praying for forgives
Feeling unworthy of God’s Divine Love

Forgiveness washing over me
Letting me know that I am loved
Forgiveness washing over me
The Father’s Blessings from above
Feeling small and broken
Until the Father’s Love lets me know
That I am wanted. I am Loved.


Linda Munster
16.03.11

Working through Unworthiness - Cracks in my armour

At the moment I am still struggling with huge unworthiness based emotions and feeling unlovable. This is proving to be a very difficult emotion for me to work through and as I reflect back on some of my past journal entries and letters to God I find that it has been a recurring emotion for me. I struggle with this. Am I just not getting it? Am I wasteing my time even trying to work my way through this group of emotions? It seems that for me this emotion has many facets as each time I begin to work through it I find different pieces of the puzzle are revealed. It is a slow process and I am learning to trust that God knows what my soul is capable of dealing with at any one time but I am still very impatient. This letter to God was written at a particularly difficult time and as I reflect back on it now I realize that God is listening and that things have shifted.

Dear God,

Why won’t You help me? My body hurts and I can’t do anything without being in pain afterwards! I don’t deserve to be in all of this pain God! It even hurts to eat, or to walk, or to talk and I don’t understand why? Why is this so God? Don’t You love me? How can I learn to love myself if I don’t know what love really means? If I only know what pain and rejection is, how can I learn to love? Who will teach me? I don’t deserve to be in pain all of the time God! You said You would help me but You are a liar!!! You just want me to suffer! You don’t love me and You never have and You never will because I am unlovable! A despicable mistake that should never have happened! You are NOT a loving and kind God, You are MEAN!!! And You delight in my suffering. I HATE YOU!!! You never wanted me and have been punishing me my whole life because I am a constant disappointment to You. But I am a real person and I deserve Your respect if not Your love.

I deserve to be loved!

I deserve to be loved!

I AM Lovable. I am lovable!!!!

Why don’t You want to love me God? I feel like a faceless monster, I feel like I am nothing! I feel worthless!!!

Am I worthless God?

Am I nothing?

Is this all a bad dream? Will I ever feel truly lovable – truly loved? Will I ever feel worthy to know that I do have something to offer?

Linda
01.02.11

This letter to God took me into some very deep processing through fear, grief and shame for about three hours. Feelings of deep unworthiness and self-punishment kept tumbling over my soul as I prayed for guidance and faith. Deep remorse also washed over me as I realize how much harm these emotions in me have caused to our children and others. There is a sense in me that I will never get through this, that the unworthiness in me is so great that I will never be free of it and I don’t understand it. The other day I watched the movie "The Secret Life of Bees" with Queen Latifa and Dakota Fanning and this triggered again in me these deep unworthiness feelings I have around being unlovable. There is so much still to work through.

This next letter to God is just another attempt to continue working through these unworthiness based emotions.

Dear God,

How do I let go of fear and hatred and mistrust? How do I open my soul to love when I don’t really know what love is? When my only experience of love has been one that has been marred by conditions and control – even my soulmate love! How do I begin to trust You when I can’t even feel You? It all feels hopeless. It feels as if nothing will ever change and I will be held in this self-imposed prison for the rest of eternity.

I feel alone God. Isolated, alone, weary, doubtful and unworthy of Your love or of anyone else’s love! How do I change this Father? What do I need to do, to feel in order to feel worthy of Your love? Of John’s love? Please help me to feel as if I deserve to be loved! Please Father, Please help me! Please!

Linda
08.02

And this from my journal after the above letter triggered some huge emotions for me.

Right now I am feeling drained and somewhat defeated. For the past five and a half hours I have been working through the very deeply ingrained sense of unworthiness that is within my soul, feeling my way through hatred, mistrust, control, conditional love, hopelessness and ‘why won’t he listen to me? Why doesn’t anyone believe me?’ This deep emotion was triggered yesterday by John’s open rejection of me when we were at some friends place and the topic of us selling our house and relocating came up. I could feel strong resistance from him towards this conversation even though we have been talking of moving for the past ten years or so. I could feel myself projecting anger at him as I felt a deep sense of rejection.

Later that night we talked about this experience and as we were talking I could feel this emotion of ‘why won’t he listen to me? Why doesn’t anyone believe me?’ And I realized that it is connected with my father and my experiences of sexual abuse as a two year old. I desperately wanted daddy to believe me but he didn’t. He was more concerned with keeping the status quo than he was of protecting me. It was at this time that I learnt that I must sacrifice myself in order to gain daddy’s approval and love – and I have been doing that ever since! I have been sacrificing my self, my truth, my soul, my desires in order to feel love and approval and now I realize that I have hated myself for doing this. I have hated myself most of my life and I have not trusted my body – ever! Hence the sexual experimentation as a child, the thrush and acne as a teenager and young adult, the difficult pregnancies and increasing weight with each one and the ongoing battle with obesity and pain. These have all been self-punishing effects from the emotions of feeling totally unworthy and unlovable, of never feeling as if I would ever be enough or that my life would ever mean anything.

After working through this emotion for some five hours one of my guides came to me and explained that this emotion of deep, deep unworthiness is a generational emotion and deeply ingrained in both my father and my mother and that very few on either side have chosen to feel this deep unworthiness, this is why it is so hard for me. He reassured me that God and many Celestial spirits have been with me throughout this process supporting me and that God is pleased with my progress. He gently reminded me that I am loved and respected and not to be so hard on myself. There is more to work through but God knows what my soul can cope with and to trust the process – and myself.

As I allowed myself to continue to dip into these emotions of deep unworthiness a couple of weeks later I wrote this poem. It speaks for itself.

There are cracks appearing in my armour

There are cracks appearing in my armour
And they make it easier to breathe
There are cracks appearing in my armour
And it is beginning to set me free

As I open my soul to Your Divine Love
I feel little bits of armour fall away
And the real me beginning to shine through
I am beginning to feel safe and not want to flee

There are cracks appearing in my armour
Slowly opening, getting wider
Soon large chunks of armour will fall off
And everyone will see the real me.

I thought it would be scary to let go
Of the armour I have so carefully built around myself
But I am beginning to realize that this armour
Has been my hindrance and kept me from knowing You

There are cracks appearing in my armour
And for this I am very grateful
For when the armour falls away
All that will be revealed is God’s true Majesty

Linda Munster
22.02.11

Lost in the Wilderness and God's Gentleness

Dear God,

Why did you make this so hard? There is an ache deep within my soul crying out to be loved and to love my soulmate and at the same time there is a deep shame and fear preventing me from doing so fully and I don’t understand it! I don’t understand what this pain and shame is about and I don’t understand why I am so afraid to face it!.. Can You help me please? I can’t do this alone and right now I feel so very alone and confused and afraid and I don’t know what to do.

I have tried connecting to this emotion but it feels scary and too painful to face. Will I ever be able to make love with my soulmate again without pain or shame? God, I love him so much it hurts and yet I am not able to show him my love fully but still he loves me, still he wants me, still he holds and comforts me and I feel so very unworthy of his love. What is this soulmate love Father? Have I really been privileged enough to have known this one true love for over thirty years God? Why? I feel so fat and unlovable in this body Father and I don’t understand why he would even want to love me! Why do You love me?

This all feels so confusing and I have nowhere to turn. I wish I could understand! I wish I had the courage and willingness to face the truth of this emotion, but I am weary God, and I have no strength or motivation now – it is late and I am tired, confused and doubting everything! I wish I understood!

Where are You Father when I need You? Am I such a lost and hopeless cause that my voice is so weak and distorted in the wilderness that even You do not hear me? I want to understand but deep within me there is a huge resistance to this truth that I am to afraid to go there. Right now I find that I don’t trust You, I can’t trust You and I don’t understand why this is? Can You help me to understand please? Please God, will You hear my cry? Will You answer me? Will You help me?

I can’t sleep – I can’t feel – what am I left to do? Will You help me please? Help me to have the courage and willingness to face the truth of this emotion! What is the truth Father? Will I ever know it? Will I ever be free of this burden? Will I ever understand?

He lies in our bed, asleep now, is he dreaming of me? Dreaming of the love we once new, the love that now seems to be a faint memory? He is everything I aspire to be – loving, gentle, patient, kind, forgiving, clever, sharp and I can’t believe he is mine, and worse, I can’t believe I am testing him like this! What did I do to deserve his love? Will I ever feel worthy of it?

Please God, can You help me face the truth? Will my guides help me?

Linda
29.09.10

This letter to God was a continuation on from the War of the Souls that I have published earlier. It highlights how difficult I find this emotional work at times and how difficult I find it to let go of addictions. I have been working on these emotions for months now, on and off, and still find that there is still much to work through around my soulmate relationship and particularly around sexual abuse and shame. All I can do is to continue to pray to God for the courage and willingness to go into the emotions and when they do begin to surface to allow myself to surrender to them rather than to fight which has been my pattern.

And then when I do have the courage to fully face an emotion and I feel God's Love enter my soul I feel the gentleness of God and I know it is all worthwhile.

God’s Gentleness

Shame rising in waves and crashing over me
Walls, strong and resilient, resisting the waves
Fear, overpowering me, blocking the emotions from flowing free
Grief overflowing, beckoning me into my cave

Falling deeper and deeper into myself
Unlocking the mysteries buried deep within
Grace lifting me up, giving me strength
Unlocking the errors that lie hidden inside

Truth emerging, setting me free
God’s Love filling my soul allowing me
Peace radiating outwards for all to see
God’s gentleness in loving me

Linda Munster
06.09.10



with Love

Linda