Sitting on the Sidelines of Death

I have been away for a couple of weeks and during that time I had the privilage of nursing my dying aunt at her home along with several other members of my family.  Being awake during the early hours of the morning or the darkest part of the night gave me pleanty of time for reflection and prayer, often times I would pray with my aunt or read to her passages on love and faith from the Judas messages.  It was a very special time for all involved in her care at home.  For the first time in my life I felt a sense of peace over what was to come, for the first time I did not feel a growing dread or fear of what lies ahead.  For the most part I felt at peace knowing that God's grand designs are totally loving, knowing that I would have the opportunity to speak with her again one day.  In the early hours of one morning as I sat by her bedside not knowing how much longer she would be with us I wrote the following passage.  I share it now with you in the hope that it might help you or a loved one should you find yourself in a similar situation.

with love

Linda

29.10.2011

Sitting on the Sidelines of Death

I am sitting on the sidelines of death watching a loved one struggle to let go.  Watching and waiting silently in the early hours of the morning wondering how long she will hold on, how long fear will take hold?  For now she seems peaceful, resting comfortably, breathing slowly, heavily.  She is far too young to be leaving us this way, just sixty seven years here on earth, but her body is giving way as the cancer takes hold.  She has had a good life filled with adventure and love but it has been marred by sadness and struggle, by fear and doubt and they have taken their toll and so it is time for her to let go and face the truth.

I observe those around her, each with their own personal struggle, not really understanding this process we call death and too afraid to investigate what it really means.  And I see myself in them not so very long ago, afraid, doubtful, confused, avoiding the truth of what is for fear of what it might stir in my soul.  But now I am just grateful for the knowledge I have and the peace it brings to my soul.  Grateful for God’s Divine Love and knowing that this life we experience here on earth is just the beginning, and when our physical body fades we simply transition to a new place, a new way of being where there is no escaping truth and where love is our only salvation. Grateful for the gifts I have been given and the love I have been shown.

I watch silently as she sleeps, listening to her breathing and the sounds of the constant traffic one block away.  Soon the day will begin to awaken bringing with it fresh hope of a few more precious hours with our loved one and a constant stream of fresh faces coming to pay their respects and say their final farewells.

It is a funny thing this process we call death, it has so many varied connotations for each individual that it touches, but for most the dominant emotion appears to be fear.  I see it in their eyes, in the way they carry themselves and in the way they valiantly attempt to pretend that everything is all right.  I feel this fear in their souls, pushed far into the recesses of their minds, buried beneath an external veneer of strength and solidarity.   They do not realize the damage this fear is doing to their bodies but sooner or later this fear will surface in their physical bodies begging to be recognized, experienced and released.  This is a difficult process as I have found, but as I now allow myself to begin to experience and release my long held fears I notice a freeing of my body and a growing peace in my soul.

And so I sit on the sidelines of death observing its progress and the effects it has on those around our loved one whose last days and moments we are witnessing and I am grateful for the knowledge and experience I have of God’s Divine Love and the peace it brings to my soul at this time of transition.

She sleeps peacefully as loved ones keep watch silently by her side not knowing how much longer she has with us.  The dark lonely hours of the night give way to the soft glow of dawn, to the first soft songs of the early birds gradually intensifying as they are joined by others until their chorus can’t be ignored and the sky grows even lighter with each passing minute.  Soon the sun will peak its head over the range warming us with its rays and the slow soft drone of night turns into the business of the day.

She drifts in and out of sleep now brightening the room with her smile and sense of humour.  How much longer will she stay we do not know, we know only that we do not want to let her go for we will miss her when she is gone, her sense of mischief and fun, her laughter and her love.  It has been a privilege to know her, to call her sister, aunt, friend, but let her go we must for her time is near, a time of sadness for all who hold her dear and do not yet fully trust in God’s grand designs.

Rest well dear one for a new adventure will soon begin. 

Rest well knowing you are not alone, your angels are waiting to bring you home.

Confusion

It has been some time now since I have written anything, either here or in my notebook. I am struggling with desire and with worthiness to have/follow my desires. Lots has been happening for us and I have been away quite a lot which is taking me away from my desire to write more. I question if this is a pure desire of just another means by which to be noticed? I have been feeling totally overwhelmed by the barrage of emotions that have been cropping up and by the lack of time to process these. I know this is an illusion though for if I was being truly humble I would allow myself to fully feel these emotions as they arise. I find I still have a lot of shame, fear, doubt and mistrust in me. I am working on these, especially fear and I am noticing that as I feel my fear and allow it to pass through me, my body feels freer but still I find it daunting and I often find myself questioning God. This poem was written some time ago but I find it is still as relevant now as it was when I wrote it. I pray for the courage and the willingness to go deeply into my fear, shame and grief so that my body and soul may feel the healing power of God's Great Love

Confusion
Confusion coursing through my soul
Dark clouds descending
Struggling to understand the truth
That I have been avoiding

And I find myself doubting
God’s Love for me.

Confusion swirling all around me
Engulfing my soul
Seeping into the very depths of my being
Allowing doubt to take hold.

Finding it difficult to breathe
Guilt and shame descending
Struggling to understand
God’s plan for me

Confusion rising within me once more
Keeping me away from God’s door.

Constantly dipping in and out
Afraid to know the truth
Running away
Hiding
Confused

Confusion coursing through my soul
Distracting me from the truth
Where is God when I need Her?
Am I not worthy of Her love
Why does She abandon me
in my hour of need?

Feeling weak and helpless
Doubting God’s great plan
Feeling weak
Fragile
Unworthy of God’s love

Confusion swirling all around me
Too afraid to understand
Wanting to run away and hide
Confusion engulfing me
Will fear and doubt survive?

Praying for guidance
As tears stream down my face
Help me to have the courage
To face the truth.
Forgive me for my weakness.

Confusion coursing through my soul
Feeling abandoned and unloved
Too afraid to face the truth
Cowering
Hiding
Avoiding

Help me please to face the truth
Give me courage
Give me faith
Teach me humility
Remove the veil of confusion
So that I may come to face reality

Confusion coursing through my soul
Confusion swirling all around me
Confusion…
Confused….
Afraid….

Confusion coursing through my soul
Confusion swirling all around me
Fear…
Doubt…
Confused…confused…confused.

I am so weak
Choosing pain over truth
Why do I torture myself so
Why won’t I let fear go?

Is the truth so painful
That I would choose
To torment and torture myself
Rather than face the truth?

Is love so distant
that it is unreachable?
Or is it simply
that I am not capable?

Open my heart and my soul I pray
That I may have the courage
to face another day
Open my heart and my soul I pray
So that Your Love
Might find a place to stay.

Linda
08.03.11

Where are You Father?

It has been a few weeks since I posted anything new, this is mostly because I have been resisting a lot of emotions and struggling with fear. I had lost sight of God as the central focus in my life and I paid dearly for this. I continued to pray to God for guidance and for the courage and the willingness to face the truth. Today my prayers were answered and I share now with you the struggles that I have been facing. It took several hours to write this letter to God as I worked my way through the emotins that came up while writing, finally, after a couple of hours a picture emerged and I was able to gain some clarity around the emotion. I hope this is of some benefit to you.

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06.07.11

Where are You Father? Are You here? Lately I have been struggling to feel Your presence in my life and I do not understand why I have shut You out so! Father, I know form experience that my life flows much more smoothly when You remain at the centre of my thoughts, so why have I abandoned You? Why have I allowed myself to get so caught up in day to day events? Because of this I now find myself struggling with many aspects of my life and I don’t understand it! What causes me to turn away from You? How can I open my soul to the truth of these emotions Father so that I may release these errors that me from connecting more fully with You?

I pray often Father, but my prayers go unheard and unanswered – why? What is the error in my soul that needs to be released right now in order for me to allow Your love back into my life? How can I do this Father? Dare I ask who will help me? Or perhaps You want me to know that only I can reach into the dark recesses of my soul to release the pain hidden there. But I have tried Father, I have tried and it seems that I am weak and cowardly and don’t yet want to go there fully. Can You please help me to have the courage and the willingness to face this truth which is preventing me from having a deeper connection with You? Please!

I seem to be so overrun with doubt and fear at the moment Father and I am struggling to understand why this is so. It is difficult what You ask of me Father, to be in this world but not of this world, it is difficult to be truly open and humble in the midst of people who are so driven by fear and avoidance and I recognize myself in them Father. I recognize my own cowardice and avoidance and I feel such deep shame at this for I know it means that I do not yet trust You fully! Please help me to overcome this fear that I have, lift this burden of shame form my soul so that I may come to know You more fully, so that I may have the courage to serve You more completely, so that I may learn to be a beacon of light and love and hope in a world filled with darkness, fear and confusion.

I still struggle to understand why me Father! Why is it that I am amongst the few who are as yet open to learning Your truths and have the privilege of learning directly from Yeshua and Mary? How is that possible Father when I feel so small and insignificant, so incomplete and broken! What could I possibly have to offer that someone else doesn’t already have? What is special about me? How can I best serve You Father as well as my brothers and sisters? What is the gift that You have given me that will enable me to serve You most completely? Can You please help me to overcome the blocks that I have to uncovering this gift, the fear of ridicule and rejection that is still so deeply imbedded in my soul?

Why do I feel so helpless and useless Father? Will I ever find the courage to face the truth of this injury in my soul? Only You can help me Father, only You! Please help me to find the courage and the willingness to face the darkness in my soul and to step out from the shadows and into the glory of Your Light and Love! It feels safe here in my darkness. Here in the shadows I can pretend that everything is alright, I can pretend that I am not broken lying discarded on a pile of rocks, numb to my pain and discomfort. But if I step into the light Father I will have to face the truth of my injured self, I will have to see myself as I really am, as You seem me and that feels terrifying! But I am beginning to recognize these rocks that I am laying on Father and they are uncomfortable, at times painful and I realize that my only chance of freedom is to find the courage to step into the light and face the truth of my bruised and battered soul.

Will You hold my hand Father as I step gingerly into the light? Will You help me find the courage to face the truth and release my fear, my pain, my shame? Do I have the courage to face the ugliness, the distortions and KNOW that You love me anyway, that You know who I truly am and that that child is perfect? Can I allow myself to feel the truth in this, to KNOW that You created me to be a unique and beautiful soul full of potential and passion? Dare I hope that this is True? This seems so unlikely Father, so far removed from my experiences that it is difficult to grasp – that You see my errors, my distortions, my ugliness and You love me anyway because You see beyond my wounds to the perfect child that You created, to the boundless potential that You inspired in my soul! To me this is as yet incomprehensible and yet somewhere deep within my soul something is stirring, an inkling that perhaps this IS the truth, that You created me a perfect, unblemished child full of passion and potential. An inkling is stirring in my soul Mother, a longing to know the truth of who You created me to be, to know who I am. Who am I? Who am I? Who is this child who was created perfect in natural love and how did she become the broken, confused and frightened child she is now? How can I free my soul of these chains that bind and restrict me? How can I learn to love, to let my spirit soar? How can I uncover my passions and live up to my potential?

Only You can help me Father, only You can break apart these chains that bind me and free my soul of its errors. Help me to have the courage to step out of the darkness and into the light of Your Love!

Linda
06.07.11

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Then this followed

How can I thank You for Your love

How can I thank You for Your love
Your patience
Your kindness
Your mercy?
What do I have to offer that could possibly express to You
My gratitude, my deep appreciation for all that You have given me?

You patiently watch over me and wait for me to understand
To realize that it is I who hold the key to my own salvation,
That You are always there waiting for me to recognize my errors,
My weaknesses and to surrender to the grief and pain
That has gripped my soul for so many years,
Holding tight, binding me, restricting me,
Preventing me from becoming all that You intended me to be.

Bit by bit I can feel the chains break away.
Bit by bit my soul regains its freedom.
A freedom lost in childhood, clouded over by fear and pain,
Muddied by doubt and confusion.
But as I allow myself to surrender to this pain
As I find the courage to face the fears and doubts
Your love begins to wash me clean
Revealing a hidden beauty full of passion and potential.
How can I thank You for Your Love,
Your patience,
Your kindness,
Your mercy?

I give to You all that I am in this moment,
Still broken, still unsure but beginning to understand,
Learning to love and to trust.
I give to You all that I may become,
My hopes and dreams of one day becoming whole again
Of one day seeing You face to face
Whole, restored to the perfect child that You created me to be
And even greater than that knowing that Your Love fills my soul
And overflows to all that I encounter.

I give You all that I am and all that I am ever capable of becoming
For it is Your Love that sets me free
Your Love that reveals the hidden me.
Thank You for Your Love,
Your patience,
Your kindness,
Your mercy.
Thank You for loving Me!

Linda
06.07.11

Working through Unworthiness - Cracks in my armour

At the moment I am still struggling with huge unworthiness based emotions and feeling unlovable. This is proving to be a very difficult emotion for me to work through and as I reflect back on some of my past journal entries and letters to God I find that it has been a recurring emotion for me. I struggle with this. Am I just not getting it? Am I wasteing my time even trying to work my way through this group of emotions? It seems that for me this emotion has many facets as each time I begin to work through it I find different pieces of the puzzle are revealed. It is a slow process and I am learning to trust that God knows what my soul is capable of dealing with at any one time but I am still very impatient. This letter to God was written at a particularly difficult time and as I reflect back on it now I realize that God is listening and that things have shifted.

Dear God,

Why won’t You help me? My body hurts and I can’t do anything without being in pain afterwards! I don’t deserve to be in all of this pain God! It even hurts to eat, or to walk, or to talk and I don’t understand why? Why is this so God? Don’t You love me? How can I learn to love myself if I don’t know what love really means? If I only know what pain and rejection is, how can I learn to love? Who will teach me? I don’t deserve to be in pain all of the time God! You said You would help me but You are a liar!!! You just want me to suffer! You don’t love me and You never have and You never will because I am unlovable! A despicable mistake that should never have happened! You are NOT a loving and kind God, You are MEAN!!! And You delight in my suffering. I HATE YOU!!! You never wanted me and have been punishing me my whole life because I am a constant disappointment to You. But I am a real person and I deserve Your respect if not Your love.

I deserve to be loved!

I deserve to be loved!

I AM Lovable. I am lovable!!!!

Why don’t You want to love me God? I feel like a faceless monster, I feel like I am nothing! I feel worthless!!!

Am I worthless God?

Am I nothing?

Is this all a bad dream? Will I ever feel truly lovable – truly loved? Will I ever feel worthy to know that I do have something to offer?

Linda
01.02.11

This letter to God took me into some very deep processing through fear, grief and shame for about three hours. Feelings of deep unworthiness and self-punishment kept tumbling over my soul as I prayed for guidance and faith. Deep remorse also washed over me as I realize how much harm these emotions in me have caused to our children and others. There is a sense in me that I will never get through this, that the unworthiness in me is so great that I will never be free of it and I don’t understand it. The other day I watched the movie "The Secret Life of Bees" with Queen Latifa and Dakota Fanning and this triggered again in me these deep unworthiness feelings I have around being unlovable. There is so much still to work through.

This next letter to God is just another attempt to continue working through these unworthiness based emotions.

Dear God,

How do I let go of fear and hatred and mistrust? How do I open my soul to love when I don’t really know what love is? When my only experience of love has been one that has been marred by conditions and control – even my soulmate love! How do I begin to trust You when I can’t even feel You? It all feels hopeless. It feels as if nothing will ever change and I will be held in this self-imposed prison for the rest of eternity.

I feel alone God. Isolated, alone, weary, doubtful and unworthy of Your love or of anyone else’s love! How do I change this Father? What do I need to do, to feel in order to feel worthy of Your love? Of John’s love? Please help me to feel as if I deserve to be loved! Please Father, Please help me! Please!

Linda
08.02

And this from my journal after the above letter triggered some huge emotions for me.

Right now I am feeling drained and somewhat defeated. For the past five and a half hours I have been working through the very deeply ingrained sense of unworthiness that is within my soul, feeling my way through hatred, mistrust, control, conditional love, hopelessness and ‘why won’t he listen to me? Why doesn’t anyone believe me?’ This deep emotion was triggered yesterday by John’s open rejection of me when we were at some friends place and the topic of us selling our house and relocating came up. I could feel strong resistance from him towards this conversation even though we have been talking of moving for the past ten years or so. I could feel myself projecting anger at him as I felt a deep sense of rejection.

Later that night we talked about this experience and as we were talking I could feel this emotion of ‘why won’t he listen to me? Why doesn’t anyone believe me?’ And I realized that it is connected with my father and my experiences of sexual abuse as a two year old. I desperately wanted daddy to believe me but he didn’t. He was more concerned with keeping the status quo than he was of protecting me. It was at this time that I learnt that I must sacrifice myself in order to gain daddy’s approval and love – and I have been doing that ever since! I have been sacrificing my self, my truth, my soul, my desires in order to feel love and approval and now I realize that I have hated myself for doing this. I have hated myself most of my life and I have not trusted my body – ever! Hence the sexual experimentation as a child, the thrush and acne as a teenager and young adult, the difficult pregnancies and increasing weight with each one and the ongoing battle with obesity and pain. These have all been self-punishing effects from the emotions of feeling totally unworthy and unlovable, of never feeling as if I would ever be enough or that my life would ever mean anything.

After working through this emotion for some five hours one of my guides came to me and explained that this emotion of deep, deep unworthiness is a generational emotion and deeply ingrained in both my father and my mother and that very few on either side have chosen to feel this deep unworthiness, this is why it is so hard for me. He reassured me that God and many Celestial spirits have been with me throughout this process supporting me and that God is pleased with my progress. He gently reminded me that I am loved and respected and not to be so hard on myself. There is more to work through but God knows what my soul can cope with and to trust the process – and myself.

As I allowed myself to continue to dip into these emotions of deep unworthiness a couple of weeks later I wrote this poem. It speaks for itself.

There are cracks appearing in my armour

There are cracks appearing in my armour
And they make it easier to breathe
There are cracks appearing in my armour
And it is beginning to set me free

As I open my soul to Your Divine Love
I feel little bits of armour fall away
And the real me beginning to shine through
I am beginning to feel safe and not want to flee

There are cracks appearing in my armour
Slowly opening, getting wider
Soon large chunks of armour will fall off
And everyone will see the real me.

I thought it would be scary to let go
Of the armour I have so carefully built around myself
But I am beginning to realize that this armour
Has been my hindrance and kept me from knowing You

There are cracks appearing in my armour
And for this I am very grateful
For when the armour falls away
All that will be revealed is God’s true Majesty

Linda Munster
22.02.11

The War of Souls

I have been going over my workbooks for the past year or so and came across the following entry which very much fits with what I am feeling at the moment so I am sharing it here now also in the hope that rewriting it might help me to have the courage to face the deeper emotion that I am right now resisting.

With love

Linda

The war of the souls

There is a war raging inside of me, a war that I have little hope of understanding, let alone quelling and it is a war for my soul. The more I read, the more I listen, the more I discus with others is the more I become confused. What is real? What are these feelings rising within me and what do they mean? I wish I understood! Where is God in all of my torment and confusion? Yet, only I alone can answer the very questions that vex me! I, who knows so little, yet longs for so much, hold the key to my own salvation - if only I knew where to find it!! If only I would have the patience and persistence to sift through the debris and keep sifting until I find it!

There is a huge longing in my soul to know God and to know and understand His Laws and the depth of His love, and yet there is such a huge resistance within me to that longing. A fear that I can not explain, that I do not understand. At times this fear is so overpowering that I give in to it and I retreat from my longings, from my searching. Why?

I can not say, but I know that this constant struggle between desire and resistance is wearing me down. At times a sense of hopelessness engulfs me. It all seems too hard and I begin to doubt myself, to doubt even God! Then the horror of that doubt takes over and I cringe when I think how little faith I have, how little trust I have and I despair of ever understanding.

Why is it that I keep myself on this roller-coaster ride? Why do I keep participating in this tug-o-war for my soul? For it is only I who directs my soul, I who makes these choices that I do not understand. Do I have so little love for myself that I would keep myself in constant turmoil? Will I ever understand what it is to love unconditionally - Myself? God? My brothers and sisters?

Where are You God in all of my struggles? Jesus said "seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open unto you, ask and you will receive" and yet in all of my seeking, banging (for I am too impatient to knock politely) and asking I struggle to hear Your response Father, I can not find the key to unlock the door. But in all of my confusion and torment I will not give up, I will continue to knock, to seek, and to ask for Your guidance and support for I believe in Your Justice and Your Mercy. My soul is mine alone and only I, along with my soulmate and God can have any say in its growth and development.

I feel like I am drowning, drowning in self-pity and doubt and at times I fear that the others are winning, but I won't let that happen. I have faith in God and hope in His mercy, but right now I am in need of a guiding light, in need of a helping hand but from whence will it come?

I am tired God, tired of running away. Tired of struggling, always struggling! How can I change this? Is there anyone who understands, really understands? Why do I feel so alone and useless? These feelings that I have, are they longings or is it just a huge neediness inside of me that I need to let go of? Will anyone help me or am I compelled to walk this path alone?

I feel alone God. Alone and Lonely! Confused and frightened! Whom can I trust?

I do not want to keep dipping in and out God. Won't You please help me to have the courage and the willingness to brave the deepest, darkest depths of my soul? I can't go there alone Father and only You can help me. Only You can be my guide, and yet, without courage and the willingness to go there my efforts will be in vain! Won't You help me please? Help me to find the courage to face the darkest depths of my soul?

Grief engulfs me now and tears stream from my eyes, my nose drips and the flood gates open. I surrender to the grief. I don't know where it will take me, and I am not even sure that I care, I just want to free my soul of its burden in the hope that in doing so I will learn to love, really love, to love unconditionally God, myself, my soulmate, my brothers and sisters.

Take me Father for I am Yours and Yours alone. Shield me. Protect me. Guide me. Love me.

Where is she God in all of this, the little girl, where is she? Where is the one who hides in the corner alone and frightened? Whose pain does she share - her mother's? her father's? her ancestors? her own? She feels alone Father, alone and frightened, so little and so fragile, so afraid and confused and she is turning inward. Looking for a sanctuary deep within her being, somewhere to hide, someone to trust. But there is no one and she feels alone, totally alone, and there is no one to trust so she goes deeper and deeper within. Hoping to escape her agony. Hoping to find solace in the depths of her soul, for she doesn't know where to turn, she doesn't know who to trust for in the past whenever she had trusted anyone in her few short years, she has been disappointed, hurt, abandoned and abused. They tried to crush her spirit but they will not succeed for there is a strength within her that she is beginning to understand that she possesses. So she turns inwards to herself and to God for only God could possible understand her pain, her agony, her loneliness.

Deeper and deeper she goes to that place that only she and God can reach. To that place where her secrets are safe, for she knows that God will not betray her as others have done. God is her friend, her only true friend. The grief is deep now as she begins to remember her torment, the secrets she has kept so deeply hidden, buried beneath a bold, cheeky exterior that was cleverly constructed to hide her pain, the pain that only God bore witness to. She learns to become bold, brash and cheeky taking what she needs to comfort her soul. Lashing out in anger at any who try to comfort her. She begins to build a wall around her for her protection but in her haste there are gaps where a little light can shine through.

God has not abandoned her and the gaps in the wall allow glimpses of God's mercy and goodness to shine through, but she is relentless in her desire to protect herself. She doesn't want anyone to know her secrets, she wants and needs to be able to hide, to be safe, to feel loved. No one notices the wall that she so cleverly constructs around herself and they ignore her pain and anguish, too deeply caught in their own loveless traps to notice a little girl in pain and confusion. Too hurt themselves to even try to understand. There is only God. God alone can help her and she clings to that knowledge, that ray of hope. She will never give in. They will not defeat her. Her soul belongs to her and to God alone.

So where are You now God when I need You? Do not abandon me in my anguish. Lift this burden from my soul that I might begin to know what it is to love, to truly love all as You love me.

Teach me compassion. Teach me forgivness. Teach me mercy. Teach me to Love.

I surrender now and allow myself to feel into my grief for I do not know how long. I feel my soul giving in to God's grace and mercy and I feel a sense of peace engulf me so completely as to collapse from exhaustion into the comforting arms of God and I allow myself to rest there a while to revive my weary but joyful soul and then I remember, if only a little, the goodness and mercy of God's loving embrace.

There is still so much that I have yet to understand, so many treacherous paths to cross, but with each new crossing I gain a strength of purpose and fan the desire deep within my soul to learn to love without condition or favour and I gain a newfound hope that this task is not yet impossible.

Linda
04.10.10