The Transforming Power of God's Love

 Today I though I would share with you some records of this journey that I have been on for a while. Below are some Aura photos that I have had taken over the past 12 years or so. I apologize for the lack of clarity in the photos, I'm not very good with scanning things into the computer and didn't want to use Photoshop to enhance the photos in any way (not that I really know how to do that yet anyway!) 

If you have never had an Aura photo taken before I would highly recommend that you do as it gives you a glimpse of what is going on in your soul and that is reflected in your aura. 

Wikipedia describes an aura thus - "In parapsychology and many forms of spiritual practice, an aura is a field of subtle, luminous radiation surrounding a person or object (like the halo or aureola in religious art). The depiction of such an aura often connotes a person of particular power or holiness. Sometimes, however, it is said that all living things (including humans) and all objects manifest such an aura. Often it is held to be perceptible, whether spontaneously or with practice: such perception is at times linked with the third eye of Indian spirituality.^[1][2] Various writers associate various personality traits with the colors of different layers of the aura.^[3][4][5] It has also been described as a map of the thoughts and feelings surrounding a person.^[6"

With each aura photo I have had taken I have been given an explanation of the colours in the aura.  I was also told that "The colour above you is what you experience for yourself right now. It is the colour that would best describe you right now.  If the colour is high it means aspirations, or what you wish to be.  The colour on your left is the vibration coming in to you.  The closer it is the sooner it will be felt.  And the colour on the right side is what you give out to the world.  The vibrational frequency most likely to be felt by others.  It is the energy you are putting out o the world".

The reasons I am posting these here is to show the transformational power of Divine Love on the soul.

This first one was taken on 10th April 2002. This was during a time when we were under a great deal of stress and were uncertain if we would loose everything due to an unfortunate misunderstanding with the bank - its a LONG story that I'm not going to go into here. 

Notice though that there is quite a bit of dark energy around me in the centre and to the right. Although they did not tell me this then, I now feel that this darker energy is probably due to the influence of darker spirits with me at the time. The edges of the aura are somewhat blurred. High above me and to the left side you can see areas of light - the presence of my guides. 

At this point I was very connected to God - times of great upheaval and uncertainty can do that to you!  I feel that I received some Divine Love during this time (although I did not recognize it as such then).

Green is the energy of healing, teaching, endurance, balance, perseverance, self-esteem, and self-love. Blue is the colour of communication, unity, depth of feeling, peach, spiritual love and grace.  During this phase of my life I was in need of healing - physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I also needed a LOT of perseverance, endurance and balance to get through what we were experiencing.  I was struggling with self-love and self-esteem. A LOT of communication at all levels was needed.  it was the presence of God's Love and my guides that got me through this time of my life.  Notice that the colours are somewhat dark and muted in may areas.

This next photo was taken on the 16th August 2006. This was another very difficult year for us in lots of ways.  It was the year John's younger brother died from pancreatic cancer, another brother was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour, his mother was very sick at this stage with John and Tim alternately sleeping at the farm with her, three young friends died tragically and we closed the family dairy after over 90years. 

Again you can see a lot more darker energy around me and the aura is not as enveloping - there are many gaps and I am clearly visible in the photo.  blue and green figure prominently in this photo and I was in need of a lot of healing and still really struggling with issues of self-esteem and self-love. Because of this I was not very connected with God or my guides at this stage.

This next photo was taken on the 27th October 2008.  Again there are a lot of holes in my aura leaving me open to spirit attack and I am clearly visible in the photo.  The light blue above me shows that I am more connected to God and my guides at this stage but still in need of a lot of healing - still struggling with issues of self-love and self-esteem.  Difficult family issues meant that strong communication was needed - particularly in voicing my opinions and standing up for myself. The green around my heart shows that a healing is coming in to this area. The interpretive data describes healing as being important for me right now and the blue indicates a good time to learn. About ten months later I was introduced to AJ Miller and Divine Truth and have been learning ever since!

This final photo was taken on 29th January 2014.  I have been following the teachings of AJ and practicing Divine Truth (amidst much resistance) for four and a half years.

You will notice that the colours in this photo are much clearer, sharper and brighter and the outer boarder is much more well defined.  The outer colour is Indigo witch represents universal nature, awareness of truth, clairvoyance, unlimited knowledge, deeply spiritual. 

There is a LOT more light in this photo indicating the presence of God's Love and of my Guides.

There is also a lot more pink in this photo which is the colour of passion, sensitivity, softness, compassion, love and unconditional love. At this point I am opening up more and more to my true soul desires and beginning to ACT upon them. 

There are much fewer holes in my aura and I am much more protected by my guides and God's Love.

The reason I wanted to share these with you is because so many people have doubts about the transformative powers of Divine Love.  Most of the people in my immediate circle do not understand the healing benefits of personal responsibility and allowing the full expression of all of our emotions - particularly the difficult, dark emotions.  They do not understand when I say that I am working through a particular emotion and wonder what I am on about.  Outwardly they do not SEE any difference.  My physical condition has not changed much although I can notice subtle changes in my body and in the way I perceive my world and myself.

When I shared this latest photo with John and then showed him the previous three - the ones before finding the Way to God - he was confronted.  Here was the evidence that he had been looking for. He has watched and supported me on this journey for the past four and a half years not really understanding what I was going through, but at a soul level knowing that things were changing, that I was growing.  Our relationship has grown enormously in that time but he could not understand why.  He only knew that I often confronted him - so on some level he has grown too. And that is a good thing for us both.

I would like to encourage you all to go and have an aura photo taken and to record if you can the verbal interpretation of the photo - it will show you lots about your soul condition right now.

Walking the Way back to God is confronting and challenging and for me often brings up many doubts - Am I growing?  Am I deceiving myself? Am I changing at the soul level? Am I doing this right?  Having this record shows me that since beginning on the Way back to God I have changed.  I have grown and my guides are with me - even if I still have a LOT of blocks to communicating freely with them.  They are there.  It is up to me to find a way to overcome these blocks and open my soul to clearer communication with God and my guides.

I wish you all well on your respective journeys and pray that you may find a way to walk with God as that really is the most transformative and rewarding way to live this life.

Reflections on Faith

Recently I have been doing some very difficult processing and it has left me questioning everything about this path - myself, God, God's Laws and my ability to do this work.  I felt I have very little faith and I was reminded of the reflections that I did on Faith some time back.  It was a timely reminder and I have included this here for you.  You might like to do your own reflections on Faith and what that means for you as well.

I have included the links for the couple of messages from the Padgett Messages but I have not been able to find an archived copy of the Judas messages online.  If you would like a copy of the Judas Messages, either in full or just the articles referenced here feel free to email me and I will pass them on.

Faith is such a corner stone of our progress in Love and Truth and I feel that anything that we can do to grow our faith is worthwhile.

I wish you well with your own journey of growing in Love and Truth and Faith.

Love

Linda

Reflections on Faith

Judas – Faith - Jan 11, 2002

“True happiness comes from inside of the soul” – p113

What does this mean for me? 

The times when I am happiest, when life just seems to flow without impediment are the times when I am living in passion and truth, when I am honoring my soul’s desires.  At these times there is a sense of peace and fulfillment, a sense of purpose and belonging and I can feel that I am closer to God at these times. 

The question is, if I now recognize this, why is it that my whole life is I not lived from passion and desire? 

My only recourse is fear!  False expectations appearing real which keep me from being true to myself and to God.  But if I recognize this why then do I not allow myself to move through these fears when I know what the rewards will be and that they will lead me to a life of bliss? 

I can only feel that the answer is unworthiness, a deep unworthiness to receive anything that is good, a false belief that I do not deserve the kind of bliss that I have at times had a glimpse of.  So this tells me that I, as yet, have little faith.

“People who experience God have faith and this faith attracts love”. (p114)

How have I experienced God?

God is life and if I am willing to open my heart and soul God can be experienced everywhere – in the miracle of birth, the gentle roar of the ocean, the unfurling of a flower, the grace of the eagle as he soars effortlessly amidst the invisible thermals, in the poetic warble of a bird or the bliss of a lovers caress. 

God constantly shows me Her love, Her unique personality and yet so often Her presence goes unnoticed and unappreciated.  I have been guilty of that, of dismissing God in every day life.  At times I have been so caught up in day to day grind of this false life that I lead that I took God for granted.  I didn’t stop to notice Her constant presence in my life, Her patience, Her gentleness, Her Love. And it is at these times, when I dismiss God, that life has been the most difficult, the most challenging, as God gently calls me back.  But I do not always listen. Too often I choose to live in my fears rather than surrender to God’s Love.  I loose faith.

“To possess the Love of God does not automatically mean to lose all false beliefs.” – P114

Beware of arrogance, pray for humility

“Faith belongs to the soul, and like the soul, it is part of the Real … Faith is not formulated in words, you have to experience and live it.” – p114

“Faith is the perception of the soul” – p115

Faith is the activation of that innate part of our souls that longs for God’s love, it is acting upon the desire that we have to know and love God and to be known and loved by Him.

“Faith is knowledge and experience of the Real …. You cannot travel along a way sitting in an armchair, waiting for marvels to happen”. p115

In order to grow in faith I must continue to long for and seek God’s love, I must be active in this process.  No one else can do this for me. I alone can uncover the errors in my soul that prevent God’s love from transforming my soul from the mortal into the immortal and when I actively engage in this process faith grows.

“Faith, my dear friend, can open up the door to worlds undreamed of. The power God has conferred on men is enormous. Think about it. “ p115

Why am I afraid to open the door?  What prevents me from allowing the full experience of God’s Love and Majesty? 

Doubt!

Unworthiness!

At times Fear! 

And yet I know that the only way to overcome these doubts and fears and to release my unworthiness is to have faith and to open the door to my soul and step inside. To experience fully each and every one of the errors lurking there and release these to God so that His love might fill my soul and feed my faith which as yet is so little.  

And so I find myself in somewhat of a quandary – in order for my faith to grow I need to step into the deepest, darkest parts of my soul and face the truth of what lies there, and yet I need faith to do this!.  I need to cultivate a faith that lets me know that that in the experience of these errors God is there with me, supporting me, loving me. 

I need to activate that part of my soul which has already experienced God’s love in order to fully trust that this is once more possible. 

I need to activate whatever faith I already have in order for that faith to grow.

Faith continued – Judas – Jan 15 2002

From the Padgett messages - "Faith is that which when possessed in its real and true meaning makes the aspirations and longings of the soul a real, living existence; and one so certain and palpable that no doubt will arise as to its reality." Jesus - p117

It is the activation of faith that allows me o step into my passions and desires.  Faith carries me through times of doubt. Through faith I can harness the great potential of my soul.

“Faith has to do with Truth. It is our perception of Truth, our window into the Real.

….Only one Truth exists, and only God knows it. But the increase in our faith implies that also our perception of Truth deepens and approaches perfection.” P117

“… with the increase of faith, the range of perception of your vision is increased,…

Each soul has once experienced God at its creation, each soul experienced His Loving Kindness … faith does not disappear, it continues, but it needs effort and will to wake up again.” p117

I realize now that my journey over the past couple of years has intensified this process of ‘waking up’ and at times it has taken great effort and will to break through the barriers to love and truth and this process has been made easier or perhaps made possible only through faith, through some sort of ‘remembering’ God’s loving kindness and in a faith that God will once again bestow His love upon me.

“The difficult part is to start this process, but it is not a process which continues automatically. It requires our effort. But exactly at that moment when prayer stops being an obligation and becomes a desire, a wonderful experience, a moment of peace and happiness, at that moment the soul has won the battle.

Active faith is the continuous, renovated and enlarged experience. Faith is as sweet as honey, it is peace and happiness, and it awakes longings for more, longings of the soul, longings to be under God’s protection, at-one with Him, and partaker of His Love. And His Love comes, changing the very substance of our soul little by little, changing the quality and the range of our perceptions, and expanding our faith.” P117-8

 “…with the increase in our faith, also our understanding increases.” P118

Judas – the Faith of Little children – Jan 22 2002

“Children conceive God to be their Heavenly Father, filled with Love, who always reaches out to them His Hand of support and protection….The image of God disappears with the childlike faith …. That faith which we call childlike, but which is true faith, suffers through our process of maturation that actually is a process of estrangement and alienation, where concepts become supposed realities, where we learn how to open our eyes without seeing. …. The child’s faith wastes away, becoming the embryo of what it once used to be, waiting for the warmth of love to grow again. And it is the Father's Love that incubates it.” P123

For me faith is learning to open my eyes to once more see what the child in me knows.  It is trusting that when I take the steps necessary to activate that part of my soul which has laid dormant for so long that God will once again embrace my soul and I will melt into that embrace knowing that I have finally come home.

Judas – Faith, knowledge, understanding and trust.  Jan 30 2002

“Faith means knowledge, inner knowledge. It is our share of God’s holistic vision. It is a quick, partial glance, that is true, but it is a glance at what really is…. If you have faith in God and in His Love, it does not mean that you understand God or His Love” p128

The possibility of ever understanding God or His Love seems such a remote concept to me in this moment where my doubts and fears often plague me, but I have faith that one day this might be possible.  One day, if I continue to activate my faith and exercise my desires to grow in love and truth, maybe then I will begin to get a glimpse of who God really is and of the beauty and immense power of Her Love.  I have faith that this is possible … one day!

“There is another factor to this process: the soul longings. They are necessary to obtain our Heavenly Father's Love, and they are born of faith…. In moments of despair, the soul longings break through and soar high to God. And God sends His answer, He sends His Love.” p128

Why is it that our longings for God’s love and understanding are strongest when we despair?  How much do we deprive ourselves of God’s love by not recognizing His loving hand in every aspect of our lives, by not turning to Him in times of joy as well as in despair?

“Faith is knowledge, but not only knowledge of God and the universe, but also of ourselves, about our condition. … Faith teaches us our current condition, and it teaches us how we could or should be. Faith creates humility. …However, in order to receive God’s Love, our soul needs some preparation. It needs to open up. But how does it open up? It is hope, which achieves the opening up….Hope is a human attribute, and like all human things, it constantly changes. It grows as faith becomes stronger, until it finally acquires the character of certainty. Then we call it trust. True faith and trust walk hand in hand.” P 128-9

Hope inspires faith and as faith grows it becomes trust. 

I wish I could say that I have reached that point in my progression where I trust God completely, but I have not yet and I often find myself struggling through the process of releasing the errors within me because I do not trust God fully.  But I hope, and I have faith that one day, as I continue to embrace my errors and release them, that faith and hope will become trust.  At this point I know that progression will then become easier because when I reach this point of trusting God fully I will no longer fight the process.  I will embrace it knowing that it is through this journey of discovery and of repentance that I will grow in love and an understanding of truth that will one day allow me to kiss the face of God as I rest securely in Her loving embrace, cradled forever from the shame, pain and grief that now wrack my soul. 

At this point I will be happy to let go of all of my masks and will no longer desire to hide. 

I will be free!

Padgett Messages – Jesus – Oct 10 1915

http://www.thepadgettmessages.net/v1/jesus42.htm

“Faith is that which when possessed in its real and true meaning makes the aspirations and longings of the soul a real, living experience; and one so certain and palpable that no doubt will arise to its reality….. This faith is not the belief that arises from the mere operation of the mind, but which comes from the opening of the perceptions of the soul, and which enable its possessor to see God in all of His beauty and love …. Such faith comes only from the constant, earnest prayer and the reception into the soul of the Divine Love.” p225

Faith grows through prayer and is activated by the expression of the aspirations, passions and longings of my soul.   

Some part of me knows this. 

I have at times experienced the bliss of a deeper connection with God when I have had the courage to simply live in my passions and desires. And yet, too often I fall into the trap of believing the false expectations that I have. I allow myself to be distracted from my soul longings and aspirations and in so doing I allow myself to be lead away from God. I loose faith. I revert to the old ingrained habits of living in the mind and of trying to please others rather than allowing myself to live in passion and desire and to open more fully to the perceptions of my soul which enable me to see God more fully. 

I forget to pray and as a result I loose faith.

“… faith is a progressive quality or essence of the soul and increases as possession of the divine Love increases and is not dependant on anything else.  Our prayers call from the Father a response that brings with it faith and with this faith comes a knowledge of the existence of this love in our souls.” P 224

Faith grows through prayer and the opening of the soul to the inflowing of the Divine Love. It is the presence of this Great Love in my soul that allows me to have faith in God and in all that is Loving and Truthful; it allows me to have faith in myself.  When I allow myself to open my soul fully to God’s Love and Truth my faith grows.  But what happens when I feel love creeping in, when I find myself doubting God’s Love for me? At these times I have little faith.

Through faith I live confidently in my passions and desires knowing that God is watching over me and confident that my life is unfolding according to God’s grand plan.  A life lived in faith is a grand adventure.  I feel this to be true and yet I still do not allow myself to live a life based on faith, a life directed by passion, desires and my true soul longings.  Why is this? 

Will I ever find the courage to live the kind of life that God desires me to live? The kind of life that my own soul craves? How do I get to this point?  For now all I can do is pray – pray for faith and for the courage to let go of the errors that prevent me from moving towards a life of bliss, a life guided by God and for the inflowing of God’s Great Love which will eventually transform me into a true child of God.

“…. When we pray to the Father to increase our faith it is a prayer for the increase of love.  Faith is based on the possession of this love and without it there can be no faith because it is impossible for the soul to exercise its function when love is absent from it. …. Faith is not a thing that can be obtained by a mere exercise of the mind but has to be sought for with the soul perceptions and when obtained will be enjoyed only by the soul perceptions” p226

Padgett Messages – Jesus – Nov 10 1916

http://www.thepadgettmessages.net/v1/divinelove31.htm

“As the prayers of the sincere earnest soul ascend to the Father, that soul becomes opened up to the inflowing of this Love. … The more earnest the prayer and sincere the longings, the sooner faith comes and with this faith the realization that the Divine Love is permeating the soul.” P427

So faith and love go hand in hand, there can not be one without the other.  As I grow in love so too will my I grow in faith.

Wake Up and Dawn Gently Breaking

The end of the year is fast approaching closely followed by the dawning of the new year with all of its potential challenges, triumphs, joys and friendships. 

This morning I was reflecting a bit on this past year and the coming year and I came across these poems that I had written back in June.  I thought it would be appropriate to share them here.  They came to me following an early morning process, one of those rare times when I allow my soul to respond without resistance to a sleep state/dream state trigger no matter what the time of day or night. 

This is the gift that God gives me when I allow Love to prevail in my life.

Wake Up

Wake up, wake up

The day softly calls

New adventures to be had

Old memories to recall

God’s Love to discover

As He reshapes my soul.

Wake up, wake up

Come out and see

As God calls softly to me

To experience His Majesty

To soak in the warmth

Of His Divine Love

Flowing into my heart

from Heaven above

Dawn gently breaking

A soft glow is growing

As the darkness in my soul

With God’s Love is transforming

Into a gently glowing light for all the world to see

The power that God’s Love

Has over me

Reshaping my soul and making me whole

Slowly the light grows

As the sun peaks over the horizon

Slowly the day brightens and suddenly I see

That God transforms my soul

Just as He does each new day

Softly, slowly, gently

So as not to alarm

But rather to warm and to calm

Wake up, wake up

The day softly calls

New adventures to be had

Old memories to recall

God’s Love to discover

As He reshapes my soul.

03.06.11

Dawn gently breaking

Dawn gently breaking

A soft glow is growing

As the darkness of night

Gives way to a new day awakening.

The twinkling lights of the city

Fade in the distance

As the warm glowing sky

Offers no resistance

To the newness of the day

Beckoning me forth to go out and play

A kookaburra calls gladly

His laughter is catching

‘come play with me’ he calls

A chorus of song responding

As God’s creatures let me know

That a new day is beckoning

The warmth of the sunshine

Washers over a new day

Beckoning me to come out and play

To uncover the secrets of this unique day

And join in the chorus of praise

For all of God’s abundant gifts

A day full of promise and hope

Full of laughter and tears

Full of surprises and fears

As I allow God’s Love

To wash away my resistance

And to reveal the real me that She created.

Dawn gently breaking

A soft glow is growing

As the darkness of night

Gives way to a new day awakening

03.06.11

Resisting emotions

There are times when I feel myself resisting my emotions, not wanting to go into the fear and deep grief that has taken a hold of my soul for fear of what might be revealed about me. I feel overwhelmed. This entry is taken from my journal on Monday 24th and Thursday 27th January 2011. It hilights the constant struggle that this emotional work can be but also the rewards that are received by way of clear memories and most importantly by God's Love flowing into the soul as an error is lifted. I often find it helpful to write my letters to God with my left hand when I am stuck. It helps me to revert to the hurt little girl quickly and I find it easier to connect to God and my emotions this way.

24.01.11

I’m tired and my body aches. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I punish myself so?

I feel terrible and yet I resist going into the grief that I know is just below the surface. My body, heart and soul are aching. I feel empty and powerless – abandoned and stranded!! I know it is all an illusion and yet I seem powerless to shatter the illusion, and that in itself is also an illusion. I feel alone. I miss my soulmate and wish he was on this path with me. I miss my relationship with God. Right now I have very little faith – I feel empty and shallow and drained. I am resisting and I don’t know why. FEAR! But of what? Why? I know that I can survive painful emotions, terror even and yet there is something stronger inside of me preventing me from trusting God. A need, a huge need to be rescued. A fear that I can’t do this on my own, that God will abandon me too, that I am not worth bothering about. The grief is overwhelming and I find it difficult and painful to breathe. I am afraid. I feel sick. Breathe! Keep breathing!. Breathe! Breathe!

Dear God,

Please help me to understand why I do not want to feel my emotions right now?

Please help me to understand why I do not want to love You fully and why I do not want to love myself?

Please help me to have the courage to see the truth?

Please help me God, please don’t abandon me!

Linda Munster
24.01.11



27.01.11

After the last entry I wrote in my left hand to God to ask Him to help me to understand. Almost immediately the emotions came up and I went to my processing room to work through the emotions that were surfacing. I worked through the emotion for an hour or so but did not get through to the completion of the emotion. I was exhausted. The next morning I woke around 8am from a dream with a start. The dream raised so much unworthiness within me. In the dream I was cooking a lamb in the oven, a whole, live lamb. I woke feeling such guilt, terror and deep, deep remorse that I cried and cried for almost three hours. During this time I was taken through several layers of emotion. I had a deep, deep realization of the error of eating meat, deep guilt and remorse for teaching my children this error, a realization that I always knew it was wrong. This is why I have never been able to participate in the killing of any animal. A realization that the Bible does tell us in Genesis that God never intended for us to eat meat, that She created a world where all of Her creatures lived in absolute harmony. A realization that in my heart and soul I knew this to be true but never had the courage to stand up for what I knew to be true for fear of being ridiculed and condemned. A realization of how much fear I have lived my life in – always feeling out of place, as if I did not belong. And then the emotion took me deeper still to the feeling of abandonment when Ada left and a deep fear that God would abandon me also because I do not deserve Her love. A knowing that Ada was with me through this process but I still have more to feel with this emotion and yet I was exhausted, especially as I had had very little sleep the night before. I allowed myself to rest in God’s loving arms before stepping into the business of the day ahead grateful for God's love and support.

The War of Souls

I have been going over my workbooks for the past year or so and came across the following entry which very much fits with what I am feeling at the moment so I am sharing it here now also in the hope that rewriting it might help me to have the courage to face the deeper emotion that I am right now resisting.

With love

Linda

The war of the souls

There is a war raging inside of me, a war that I have little hope of understanding, let alone quelling and it is a war for my soul. The more I read, the more I listen, the more I discus with others is the more I become confused. What is real? What are these feelings rising within me and what do they mean? I wish I understood! Where is God in all of my torment and confusion? Yet, only I alone can answer the very questions that vex me! I, who knows so little, yet longs for so much, hold the key to my own salvation - if only I knew where to find it!! If only I would have the patience and persistence to sift through the debris and keep sifting until I find it!

There is a huge longing in my soul to know God and to know and understand His Laws and the depth of His love, and yet there is such a huge resistance within me to that longing. A fear that I can not explain, that I do not understand. At times this fear is so overpowering that I give in to it and I retreat from my longings, from my searching. Why?

I can not say, but I know that this constant struggle between desire and resistance is wearing me down. At times a sense of hopelessness engulfs me. It all seems too hard and I begin to doubt myself, to doubt even God! Then the horror of that doubt takes over and I cringe when I think how little faith I have, how little trust I have and I despair of ever understanding.

Why is it that I keep myself on this roller-coaster ride? Why do I keep participating in this tug-o-war for my soul? For it is only I who directs my soul, I who makes these choices that I do not understand. Do I have so little love for myself that I would keep myself in constant turmoil? Will I ever understand what it is to love unconditionally - Myself? God? My brothers and sisters?

Where are You God in all of my struggles? Jesus said "seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open unto you, ask and you will receive" and yet in all of my seeking, banging (for I am too impatient to knock politely) and asking I struggle to hear Your response Father, I can not find the key to unlock the door. But in all of my confusion and torment I will not give up, I will continue to knock, to seek, and to ask for Your guidance and support for I believe in Your Justice and Your Mercy. My soul is mine alone and only I, along with my soulmate and God can have any say in its growth and development.

I feel like I am drowning, drowning in self-pity and doubt and at times I fear that the others are winning, but I won't let that happen. I have faith in God and hope in His mercy, but right now I am in need of a guiding light, in need of a helping hand but from whence will it come?

I am tired God, tired of running away. Tired of struggling, always struggling! How can I change this? Is there anyone who understands, really understands? Why do I feel so alone and useless? These feelings that I have, are they longings or is it just a huge neediness inside of me that I need to let go of? Will anyone help me or am I compelled to walk this path alone?

I feel alone God. Alone and Lonely! Confused and frightened! Whom can I trust?

I do not want to keep dipping in and out God. Won't You please help me to have the courage and the willingness to brave the deepest, darkest depths of my soul? I can't go there alone Father and only You can help me. Only You can be my guide, and yet, without courage and the willingness to go there my efforts will be in vain! Won't You help me please? Help me to find the courage to face the darkest depths of my soul?

Grief engulfs me now and tears stream from my eyes, my nose drips and the flood gates open. I surrender to the grief. I don't know where it will take me, and I am not even sure that I care, I just want to free my soul of its burden in the hope that in doing so I will learn to love, really love, to love unconditionally God, myself, my soulmate, my brothers and sisters.

Take me Father for I am Yours and Yours alone. Shield me. Protect me. Guide me. Love me.

Where is she God in all of this, the little girl, where is she? Where is the one who hides in the corner alone and frightened? Whose pain does she share - her mother's? her father's? her ancestors? her own? She feels alone Father, alone and frightened, so little and so fragile, so afraid and confused and she is turning inward. Looking for a sanctuary deep within her being, somewhere to hide, someone to trust. But there is no one and she feels alone, totally alone, and there is no one to trust so she goes deeper and deeper within. Hoping to escape her agony. Hoping to find solace in the depths of her soul, for she doesn't know where to turn, she doesn't know who to trust for in the past whenever she had trusted anyone in her few short years, she has been disappointed, hurt, abandoned and abused. They tried to crush her spirit but they will not succeed for there is a strength within her that she is beginning to understand that she possesses. So she turns inwards to herself and to God for only God could possible understand her pain, her agony, her loneliness.

Deeper and deeper she goes to that place that only she and God can reach. To that place where her secrets are safe, for she knows that God will not betray her as others have done. God is her friend, her only true friend. The grief is deep now as she begins to remember her torment, the secrets she has kept so deeply hidden, buried beneath a bold, cheeky exterior that was cleverly constructed to hide her pain, the pain that only God bore witness to. She learns to become bold, brash and cheeky taking what she needs to comfort her soul. Lashing out in anger at any who try to comfort her. She begins to build a wall around her for her protection but in her haste there are gaps where a little light can shine through.

God has not abandoned her and the gaps in the wall allow glimpses of God's mercy and goodness to shine through, but she is relentless in her desire to protect herself. She doesn't want anyone to know her secrets, she wants and needs to be able to hide, to be safe, to feel loved. No one notices the wall that she so cleverly constructs around herself and they ignore her pain and anguish, too deeply caught in their own loveless traps to notice a little girl in pain and confusion. Too hurt themselves to even try to understand. There is only God. God alone can help her and she clings to that knowledge, that ray of hope. She will never give in. They will not defeat her. Her soul belongs to her and to God alone.

So where are You now God when I need You? Do not abandon me in my anguish. Lift this burden from my soul that I might begin to know what it is to love, to truly love all as You love me.

Teach me compassion. Teach me forgivness. Teach me mercy. Teach me to Love.

I surrender now and allow myself to feel into my grief for I do not know how long. I feel my soul giving in to God's grace and mercy and I feel a sense of peace engulf me so completely as to collapse from exhaustion into the comforting arms of God and I allow myself to rest there a while to revive my weary but joyful soul and then I remember, if only a little, the goodness and mercy of God's loving embrace.

There is still so much that I have yet to understand, so many treacherous paths to cross, but with each new crossing I gain a strength of purpose and fan the desire deep within my soul to learn to love without condition or favour and I gain a newfound hope that this task is not yet impossible.

Linda
04.10.10