Reflections on Faith

Recently I have been doing some very difficult processing and it has left me questioning everything about this path - myself, God, God's Laws and my ability to do this work.  I felt I have very little faith and I was reminded of the reflections that I did on Faith some time back.  It was a timely reminder and I have included this here for you.  You might like to do your own reflections on Faith and what that means for you as well.

I have included the links for the couple of messages from the Padgett Messages but I have not been able to find an archived copy of the Judas messages online.  If you would like a copy of the Judas Messages, either in full or just the articles referenced here feel free to email me and I will pass them on.

Faith is such a corner stone of our progress in Love and Truth and I feel that anything that we can do to grow our faith is worthwhile.

I wish you well with your own journey of growing in Love and Truth and Faith.

Love

Linda

Reflections on Faith

Judas – Faith - Jan 11, 2002

“True happiness comes from inside of the soul” – p113

What does this mean for me? 

The times when I am happiest, when life just seems to flow without impediment are the times when I am living in passion and truth, when I am honoring my soul’s desires.  At these times there is a sense of peace and fulfillment, a sense of purpose and belonging and I can feel that I am closer to God at these times. 

The question is, if I now recognize this, why is it that my whole life is I not lived from passion and desire? 

My only recourse is fear!  False expectations appearing real which keep me from being true to myself and to God.  But if I recognize this why then do I not allow myself to move through these fears when I know what the rewards will be and that they will lead me to a life of bliss? 

I can only feel that the answer is unworthiness, a deep unworthiness to receive anything that is good, a false belief that I do not deserve the kind of bliss that I have at times had a glimpse of.  So this tells me that I, as yet, have little faith.

“People who experience God have faith and this faith attracts love”. (p114)

How have I experienced God?

God is life and if I am willing to open my heart and soul God can be experienced everywhere – in the miracle of birth, the gentle roar of the ocean, the unfurling of a flower, the grace of the eagle as he soars effortlessly amidst the invisible thermals, in the poetic warble of a bird or the bliss of a lovers caress. 

God constantly shows me Her love, Her unique personality and yet so often Her presence goes unnoticed and unappreciated.  I have been guilty of that, of dismissing God in every day life.  At times I have been so caught up in day to day grind of this false life that I lead that I took God for granted.  I didn’t stop to notice Her constant presence in my life, Her patience, Her gentleness, Her Love. And it is at these times, when I dismiss God, that life has been the most difficult, the most challenging, as God gently calls me back.  But I do not always listen. Too often I choose to live in my fears rather than surrender to God’s Love.  I loose faith.

“To possess the Love of God does not automatically mean to lose all false beliefs.” – P114

Beware of arrogance, pray for humility

“Faith belongs to the soul, and like the soul, it is part of the Real … Faith is not formulated in words, you have to experience and live it.” – p114

“Faith is the perception of the soul” – p115

Faith is the activation of that innate part of our souls that longs for God’s love, it is acting upon the desire that we have to know and love God and to be known and loved by Him.

“Faith is knowledge and experience of the Real …. You cannot travel along a way sitting in an armchair, waiting for marvels to happen”. p115

In order to grow in faith I must continue to long for and seek God’s love, I must be active in this process.  No one else can do this for me. I alone can uncover the errors in my soul that prevent God’s love from transforming my soul from the mortal into the immortal and when I actively engage in this process faith grows.

“Faith, my dear friend, can open up the door to worlds undreamed of. The power God has conferred on men is enormous. Think about it. “ p115

Why am I afraid to open the door?  What prevents me from allowing the full experience of God’s Love and Majesty? 

Doubt!

Unworthiness!

At times Fear! 

And yet I know that the only way to overcome these doubts and fears and to release my unworthiness is to have faith and to open the door to my soul and step inside. To experience fully each and every one of the errors lurking there and release these to God so that His love might fill my soul and feed my faith which as yet is so little.  

And so I find myself in somewhat of a quandary – in order for my faith to grow I need to step into the deepest, darkest parts of my soul and face the truth of what lies there, and yet I need faith to do this!.  I need to cultivate a faith that lets me know that that in the experience of these errors God is there with me, supporting me, loving me. 

I need to activate that part of my soul which has already experienced God’s love in order to fully trust that this is once more possible. 

I need to activate whatever faith I already have in order for that faith to grow.

Faith continued – Judas – Jan 15 2002

From the Padgett messages - "Faith is that which when possessed in its real and true meaning makes the aspirations and longings of the soul a real, living existence; and one so certain and palpable that no doubt will arise as to its reality." Jesus - p117

It is the activation of faith that allows me o step into my passions and desires.  Faith carries me through times of doubt. Through faith I can harness the great potential of my soul.

“Faith has to do with Truth. It is our perception of Truth, our window into the Real.

….Only one Truth exists, and only God knows it. But the increase in our faith implies that also our perception of Truth deepens and approaches perfection.” P117

“… with the increase of faith, the range of perception of your vision is increased,…

Each soul has once experienced God at its creation, each soul experienced His Loving Kindness … faith does not disappear, it continues, but it needs effort and will to wake up again.” p117

I realize now that my journey over the past couple of years has intensified this process of ‘waking up’ and at times it has taken great effort and will to break through the barriers to love and truth and this process has been made easier or perhaps made possible only through faith, through some sort of ‘remembering’ God’s loving kindness and in a faith that God will once again bestow His love upon me.

“The difficult part is to start this process, but it is not a process which continues automatically. It requires our effort. But exactly at that moment when prayer stops being an obligation and becomes a desire, a wonderful experience, a moment of peace and happiness, at that moment the soul has won the battle.

Active faith is the continuous, renovated and enlarged experience. Faith is as sweet as honey, it is peace and happiness, and it awakes longings for more, longings of the soul, longings to be under God’s protection, at-one with Him, and partaker of His Love. And His Love comes, changing the very substance of our soul little by little, changing the quality and the range of our perceptions, and expanding our faith.” P117-8

 “…with the increase in our faith, also our understanding increases.” P118

Judas – the Faith of Little children – Jan 22 2002

“Children conceive God to be their Heavenly Father, filled with Love, who always reaches out to them His Hand of support and protection….The image of God disappears with the childlike faith …. That faith which we call childlike, but which is true faith, suffers through our process of maturation that actually is a process of estrangement and alienation, where concepts become supposed realities, where we learn how to open our eyes without seeing. …. The child’s faith wastes away, becoming the embryo of what it once used to be, waiting for the warmth of love to grow again. And it is the Father's Love that incubates it.” P123

For me faith is learning to open my eyes to once more see what the child in me knows.  It is trusting that when I take the steps necessary to activate that part of my soul which has laid dormant for so long that God will once again embrace my soul and I will melt into that embrace knowing that I have finally come home.

Judas – Faith, knowledge, understanding and trust.  Jan 30 2002

“Faith means knowledge, inner knowledge. It is our share of God’s holistic vision. It is a quick, partial glance, that is true, but it is a glance at what really is…. If you have faith in God and in His Love, it does not mean that you understand God or His Love” p128

The possibility of ever understanding God or His Love seems such a remote concept to me in this moment where my doubts and fears often plague me, but I have faith that one day this might be possible.  One day, if I continue to activate my faith and exercise my desires to grow in love and truth, maybe then I will begin to get a glimpse of who God really is and of the beauty and immense power of Her Love.  I have faith that this is possible … one day!

“There is another factor to this process: the soul longings. They are necessary to obtain our Heavenly Father's Love, and they are born of faith…. In moments of despair, the soul longings break through and soar high to God. And God sends His answer, He sends His Love.” p128

Why is it that our longings for God’s love and understanding are strongest when we despair?  How much do we deprive ourselves of God’s love by not recognizing His loving hand in every aspect of our lives, by not turning to Him in times of joy as well as in despair?

“Faith is knowledge, but not only knowledge of God and the universe, but also of ourselves, about our condition. … Faith teaches us our current condition, and it teaches us how we could or should be. Faith creates humility. …However, in order to receive God’s Love, our soul needs some preparation. It needs to open up. But how does it open up? It is hope, which achieves the opening up….Hope is a human attribute, and like all human things, it constantly changes. It grows as faith becomes stronger, until it finally acquires the character of certainty. Then we call it trust. True faith and trust walk hand in hand.” P 128-9

Hope inspires faith and as faith grows it becomes trust. 

I wish I could say that I have reached that point in my progression where I trust God completely, but I have not yet and I often find myself struggling through the process of releasing the errors within me because I do not trust God fully.  But I hope, and I have faith that one day, as I continue to embrace my errors and release them, that faith and hope will become trust.  At this point I know that progression will then become easier because when I reach this point of trusting God fully I will no longer fight the process.  I will embrace it knowing that it is through this journey of discovery and of repentance that I will grow in love and an understanding of truth that will one day allow me to kiss the face of God as I rest securely in Her loving embrace, cradled forever from the shame, pain and grief that now wrack my soul. 

At this point I will be happy to let go of all of my masks and will no longer desire to hide. 

I will be free!

Padgett Messages – Jesus – Oct 10 1915

http://www.thepadgettmessages.net/v1/jesus42.htm

“Faith is that which when possessed in its real and true meaning makes the aspirations and longings of the soul a real, living experience; and one so certain and palpable that no doubt will arise to its reality….. This faith is not the belief that arises from the mere operation of the mind, but which comes from the opening of the perceptions of the soul, and which enable its possessor to see God in all of His beauty and love …. Such faith comes only from the constant, earnest prayer and the reception into the soul of the Divine Love.” p225

Faith grows through prayer and is activated by the expression of the aspirations, passions and longings of my soul.   

Some part of me knows this. 

I have at times experienced the bliss of a deeper connection with God when I have had the courage to simply live in my passions and desires. And yet, too often I fall into the trap of believing the false expectations that I have. I allow myself to be distracted from my soul longings and aspirations and in so doing I allow myself to be lead away from God. I loose faith. I revert to the old ingrained habits of living in the mind and of trying to please others rather than allowing myself to live in passion and desire and to open more fully to the perceptions of my soul which enable me to see God more fully. 

I forget to pray and as a result I loose faith.

“… faith is a progressive quality or essence of the soul and increases as possession of the divine Love increases and is not dependant on anything else.  Our prayers call from the Father a response that brings with it faith and with this faith comes a knowledge of the existence of this love in our souls.” P 224

Faith grows through prayer and the opening of the soul to the inflowing of the Divine Love. It is the presence of this Great Love in my soul that allows me to have faith in God and in all that is Loving and Truthful; it allows me to have faith in myself.  When I allow myself to open my soul fully to God’s Love and Truth my faith grows.  But what happens when I feel love creeping in, when I find myself doubting God’s Love for me? At these times I have little faith.

Through faith I live confidently in my passions and desires knowing that God is watching over me and confident that my life is unfolding according to God’s grand plan.  A life lived in faith is a grand adventure.  I feel this to be true and yet I still do not allow myself to live a life based on faith, a life directed by passion, desires and my true soul longings.  Why is this? 

Will I ever find the courage to live the kind of life that God desires me to live? The kind of life that my own soul craves? How do I get to this point?  For now all I can do is pray – pray for faith and for the courage to let go of the errors that prevent me from moving towards a life of bliss, a life guided by God and for the inflowing of God’s Great Love which will eventually transform me into a true child of God.

“…. When we pray to the Father to increase our faith it is a prayer for the increase of love.  Faith is based on the possession of this love and without it there can be no faith because it is impossible for the soul to exercise its function when love is absent from it. …. Faith is not a thing that can be obtained by a mere exercise of the mind but has to be sought for with the soul perceptions and when obtained will be enjoyed only by the soul perceptions” p226

Padgett Messages – Jesus – Nov 10 1916

http://www.thepadgettmessages.net/v1/divinelove31.htm

“As the prayers of the sincere earnest soul ascend to the Father, that soul becomes opened up to the inflowing of this Love. … The more earnest the prayer and sincere the longings, the sooner faith comes and with this faith the realization that the Divine Love is permeating the soul.” P427

So faith and love go hand in hand, there can not be one without the other.  As I grow in love so too will my I grow in faith.

On Trust and Judgement

This letter to God was written a couple of days after I recently began my journey into self-responsibility and God reliance.  I had been away from home less than a week and was already feeling the strength of my addictions.  I am very grateful for the advice given to me by my guides both then and today, for once again, as I type and re-read this, I realize that it is perfect for where I am at at this moment. I hope it is of help to you also.

love

Linda

04.11.11

Dear God,

I don’t want to do this anymore!  I don’t want to face the truth of how unloving I have been in my life!   I don’t want to know how much I hate men, how much anger I have within my soul about the way I have been treated by men in the past.  I don’t want to know how unloving I have been!  I don’t want to feel all the guilt and shame that I feel about how I have used John as a comfort blanket to make me feel better about myself.  I am afraid that if I let him go I will sink into the dark abyss of despair that is in my soul and I will not have the courage or the strength to find my way back to me!  I don’t even know who that is anymore God!  I am not sure that I ever knew.  

I feel lost, alone, confused and jaded in this whole process.  I don’t recognize when I am in my body or not.  I have trouble recognizing love.  I crave reassurance.  It is like a drug and without it I can not survive.  I need someone to tell me that I am ok, that I am lovable, that I am worthwhile. 

I want to run back home to John’s loving embrace, to the comfort and reassurance that I know he will give me.  But if I do that I will have failed.  It will be yet another quick fix to make me feel better and if I do that I will be placing a very unloving demand upon him.  I don’t want to do that anymore God!  I don’t want to live in a relationship full of addiction and avoidance.  I have caused him enough pain.  I have pushed him away enough. 

But I am lost God! I feel all of this turmoil in my soul and I don’t understand it.  I want someone to rescue me!  I feel that I cannot do this alone and I need help but I do not know where to turn.  I don’t feel my guides with me anymore God.  Why have I turned them away?  I feel so inadequate, so small, so broken, so false!  How do I heal this part of me God? Will I ever have the courage to face the truth? To let You in? To trust love?

Why don’t I want to trust love God? What is love? Who am I?  Where am I? Please help me!  Show me what to do!  Can I please ask for some help?  Can I please ask for some guidance and for the humility to take direction and the willingness to be open to the truth? 

How do I succumb to the grief around the truth without beating myself up about it?  How do I learn to be gentle and loving with myself?  How do I learn to trust the truth? How do I learn to forgive myself?

With God!

But where is God?  Why don’t I feel Her?

God is watching and waiting for you to open your heart and soul to Her.  She wants to comfort you but you keep putting up blocks.  You keep running away.

How do I stop running away?

Allow yourself to feel the fear and the pain without judgement or expectation.  Allow the emotion to flow. Allow the emotion to reveal the truth.  Do not judge it, do not try to pre-empt it, just allow it.

How do I let go of judgement?

Feel what it is like to feel judged.  Feel what your own judgement had done to others.  Just feel it, without question, without judgement, just acceptance.  And when it is done, when the emotion is spent, feel the relief.  Do not judge it, do not question it, just feel it.  Accept it. 

You are making this much harder than it needs to be.  Relax into the process more.  Trust the process.  Trust God.  Trust yourself and trust us.  We are always with you waiting for an opportunity to assist you and that comes through love.  Do not be so hard on yourself.  Trust and allow the process.  Love yourself even in your error for when you recognize and release the error another part of the real you is revealed, the real you who is beautiful, the real you who others sometimes see.  Trust this.  Love yourself and then you will find it much easier to love others. 

You don’t have to do it all in one go.  It takes time and patience.  Be patient with yourself.  You are all beginning on a remarkable journey, one that has not been followed on earth for nearly 2000 years and even then was only done successfully by one man.  He guides you now.  Listen to him, learn from him, trust him, but mostly be patient with yourself.  This is not a race.  It is not a competition but rather an opportunity that you have chosen to accept.  Do not worry about time, you are too caught up in time.  Time is an illusion and it can be a trap.  Live each moment as it presents yourself.  Do not skip over moments, this is an error in you that will take much practice to overcome.  Learn to be present in every moment, every aspect of every moment.  Meditate more and in the stillness notice everything without judgement. Learn to be present and go from there.  There are no shortcuts but you can prolong your journey through arrogance, impatience and judgement. 

Learn to be humble, to be present. 

We will help you.

 We love you very much.

Peter and others

Confusion

It has been some time now since I have written anything, either here or in my notebook. I am struggling with desire and with worthiness to have/follow my desires. Lots has been happening for us and I have been away quite a lot which is taking me away from my desire to write more. I question if this is a pure desire of just another means by which to be noticed? I have been feeling totally overwhelmed by the barrage of emotions that have been cropping up and by the lack of time to process these. I know this is an illusion though for if I was being truly humble I would allow myself to fully feel these emotions as they arise. I find I still have a lot of shame, fear, doubt and mistrust in me. I am working on these, especially fear and I am noticing that as I feel my fear and allow it to pass through me, my body feels freer but still I find it daunting and I often find myself questioning God. This poem was written some time ago but I find it is still as relevant now as it was when I wrote it. I pray for the courage and the willingness to go deeply into my fear, shame and grief so that my body and soul may feel the healing power of God's Great Love

Confusion
Confusion coursing through my soul
Dark clouds descending
Struggling to understand the truth
That I have been avoiding

And I find myself doubting
God’s Love for me.

Confusion swirling all around me
Engulfing my soul
Seeping into the very depths of my being
Allowing doubt to take hold.

Finding it difficult to breathe
Guilt and shame descending
Struggling to understand
God’s plan for me

Confusion rising within me once more
Keeping me away from God’s door.

Constantly dipping in and out
Afraid to know the truth
Running away
Hiding
Confused

Confusion coursing through my soul
Distracting me from the truth
Where is God when I need Her?
Am I not worthy of Her love
Why does She abandon me
in my hour of need?

Feeling weak and helpless
Doubting God’s great plan
Feeling weak
Fragile
Unworthy of God’s love

Confusion swirling all around me
Too afraid to understand
Wanting to run away and hide
Confusion engulfing me
Will fear and doubt survive?

Praying for guidance
As tears stream down my face
Help me to have the courage
To face the truth.
Forgive me for my weakness.

Confusion coursing through my soul
Feeling abandoned and unloved
Too afraid to face the truth
Cowering
Hiding
Avoiding

Help me please to face the truth
Give me courage
Give me faith
Teach me humility
Remove the veil of confusion
So that I may come to face reality

Confusion coursing through my soul
Confusion swirling all around me
Confusion…
Confused….
Afraid….

Confusion coursing through my soul
Confusion swirling all around me
Fear…
Doubt…
Confused…confused…confused.

I am so weak
Choosing pain over truth
Why do I torture myself so
Why won’t I let fear go?

Is the truth so painful
That I would choose
To torment and torture myself
Rather than face the truth?

Is love so distant
that it is unreachable?
Or is it simply
that I am not capable?

Open my heart and my soul I pray
That I may have the courage
to face another day
Open my heart and my soul I pray
So that Your Love
Might find a place to stay.

Linda
08.03.11

Where are You Father?

It has been a few weeks since I posted anything new, this is mostly because I have been resisting a lot of emotions and struggling with fear. I had lost sight of God as the central focus in my life and I paid dearly for this. I continued to pray to God for guidance and for the courage and the willingness to face the truth. Today my prayers were answered and I share now with you the struggles that I have been facing. It took several hours to write this letter to God as I worked my way through the emotins that came up while writing, finally, after a couple of hours a picture emerged and I was able to gain some clarity around the emotion. I hope this is of some benefit to you.

.......................................................................

06.07.11

Where are You Father? Are You here? Lately I have been struggling to feel Your presence in my life and I do not understand why I have shut You out so! Father, I know form experience that my life flows much more smoothly when You remain at the centre of my thoughts, so why have I abandoned You? Why have I allowed myself to get so caught up in day to day events? Because of this I now find myself struggling with many aspects of my life and I don’t understand it! What causes me to turn away from You? How can I open my soul to the truth of these emotions Father so that I may release these errors that me from connecting more fully with You?

I pray often Father, but my prayers go unheard and unanswered – why? What is the error in my soul that needs to be released right now in order for me to allow Your love back into my life? How can I do this Father? Dare I ask who will help me? Or perhaps You want me to know that only I can reach into the dark recesses of my soul to release the pain hidden there. But I have tried Father, I have tried and it seems that I am weak and cowardly and don’t yet want to go there fully. Can You please help me to have the courage and the willingness to face this truth which is preventing me from having a deeper connection with You? Please!

I seem to be so overrun with doubt and fear at the moment Father and I am struggling to understand why this is so. It is difficult what You ask of me Father, to be in this world but not of this world, it is difficult to be truly open and humble in the midst of people who are so driven by fear and avoidance and I recognize myself in them Father. I recognize my own cowardice and avoidance and I feel such deep shame at this for I know it means that I do not yet trust You fully! Please help me to overcome this fear that I have, lift this burden of shame form my soul so that I may come to know You more fully, so that I may have the courage to serve You more completely, so that I may learn to be a beacon of light and love and hope in a world filled with darkness, fear and confusion.

I still struggle to understand why me Father! Why is it that I am amongst the few who are as yet open to learning Your truths and have the privilege of learning directly from Yeshua and Mary? How is that possible Father when I feel so small and insignificant, so incomplete and broken! What could I possibly have to offer that someone else doesn’t already have? What is special about me? How can I best serve You Father as well as my brothers and sisters? What is the gift that You have given me that will enable me to serve You most completely? Can You please help me to overcome the blocks that I have to uncovering this gift, the fear of ridicule and rejection that is still so deeply imbedded in my soul?

Why do I feel so helpless and useless Father? Will I ever find the courage to face the truth of this injury in my soul? Only You can help me Father, only You! Please help me to find the courage and the willingness to face the darkness in my soul and to step out from the shadows and into the glory of Your Light and Love! It feels safe here in my darkness. Here in the shadows I can pretend that everything is alright, I can pretend that I am not broken lying discarded on a pile of rocks, numb to my pain and discomfort. But if I step into the light Father I will have to face the truth of my injured self, I will have to see myself as I really am, as You seem me and that feels terrifying! But I am beginning to recognize these rocks that I am laying on Father and they are uncomfortable, at times painful and I realize that my only chance of freedom is to find the courage to step into the light and face the truth of my bruised and battered soul.

Will You hold my hand Father as I step gingerly into the light? Will You help me find the courage to face the truth and release my fear, my pain, my shame? Do I have the courage to face the ugliness, the distortions and KNOW that You love me anyway, that You know who I truly am and that that child is perfect? Can I allow myself to feel the truth in this, to KNOW that You created me to be a unique and beautiful soul full of potential and passion? Dare I hope that this is True? This seems so unlikely Father, so far removed from my experiences that it is difficult to grasp – that You see my errors, my distortions, my ugliness and You love me anyway because You see beyond my wounds to the perfect child that You created, to the boundless potential that You inspired in my soul! To me this is as yet incomprehensible and yet somewhere deep within my soul something is stirring, an inkling that perhaps this IS the truth, that You created me a perfect, unblemished child full of passion and potential. An inkling is stirring in my soul Mother, a longing to know the truth of who You created me to be, to know who I am. Who am I? Who am I? Who is this child who was created perfect in natural love and how did she become the broken, confused and frightened child she is now? How can I free my soul of these chains that bind and restrict me? How can I learn to love, to let my spirit soar? How can I uncover my passions and live up to my potential?

Only You can help me Father, only You can break apart these chains that bind me and free my soul of its errors. Help me to have the courage to step out of the darkness and into the light of Your Love!

Linda
06.07.11

..........................................................................
Then this followed

How can I thank You for Your love

How can I thank You for Your love
Your patience
Your kindness
Your mercy?
What do I have to offer that could possibly express to You
My gratitude, my deep appreciation for all that You have given me?

You patiently watch over me and wait for me to understand
To realize that it is I who hold the key to my own salvation,
That You are always there waiting for me to recognize my errors,
My weaknesses and to surrender to the grief and pain
That has gripped my soul for so many years,
Holding tight, binding me, restricting me,
Preventing me from becoming all that You intended me to be.

Bit by bit I can feel the chains break away.
Bit by bit my soul regains its freedom.
A freedom lost in childhood, clouded over by fear and pain,
Muddied by doubt and confusion.
But as I allow myself to surrender to this pain
As I find the courage to face the fears and doubts
Your love begins to wash me clean
Revealing a hidden beauty full of passion and potential.
How can I thank You for Your Love,
Your patience,
Your kindness,
Your mercy?

I give to You all that I am in this moment,
Still broken, still unsure but beginning to understand,
Learning to love and to trust.
I give to You all that I may become,
My hopes and dreams of one day becoming whole again
Of one day seeing You face to face
Whole, restored to the perfect child that You created me to be
And even greater than that knowing that Your Love fills my soul
And overflows to all that I encounter.

I give You all that I am and all that I am ever capable of becoming
For it is Your Love that sets me free
Your Love that reveals the hidden me.
Thank You for Your Love,
Your patience,
Your kindness,
Your mercy.
Thank You for loving Me!

Linda
06.07.11

Working through Unworthiness - Cracks in my armour

At the moment I am still struggling with huge unworthiness based emotions and feeling unlovable. This is proving to be a very difficult emotion for me to work through and as I reflect back on some of my past journal entries and letters to God I find that it has been a recurring emotion for me. I struggle with this. Am I just not getting it? Am I wasteing my time even trying to work my way through this group of emotions? It seems that for me this emotion has many facets as each time I begin to work through it I find different pieces of the puzzle are revealed. It is a slow process and I am learning to trust that God knows what my soul is capable of dealing with at any one time but I am still very impatient. This letter to God was written at a particularly difficult time and as I reflect back on it now I realize that God is listening and that things have shifted.

Dear God,

Why won’t You help me? My body hurts and I can’t do anything without being in pain afterwards! I don’t deserve to be in all of this pain God! It even hurts to eat, or to walk, or to talk and I don’t understand why? Why is this so God? Don’t You love me? How can I learn to love myself if I don’t know what love really means? If I only know what pain and rejection is, how can I learn to love? Who will teach me? I don’t deserve to be in pain all of the time God! You said You would help me but You are a liar!!! You just want me to suffer! You don’t love me and You never have and You never will because I am unlovable! A despicable mistake that should never have happened! You are NOT a loving and kind God, You are MEAN!!! And You delight in my suffering. I HATE YOU!!! You never wanted me and have been punishing me my whole life because I am a constant disappointment to You. But I am a real person and I deserve Your respect if not Your love.

I deserve to be loved!

I deserve to be loved!

I AM Lovable. I am lovable!!!!

Why don’t You want to love me God? I feel like a faceless monster, I feel like I am nothing! I feel worthless!!!

Am I worthless God?

Am I nothing?

Is this all a bad dream? Will I ever feel truly lovable – truly loved? Will I ever feel worthy to know that I do have something to offer?

Linda
01.02.11

This letter to God took me into some very deep processing through fear, grief and shame for about three hours. Feelings of deep unworthiness and self-punishment kept tumbling over my soul as I prayed for guidance and faith. Deep remorse also washed over me as I realize how much harm these emotions in me have caused to our children and others. There is a sense in me that I will never get through this, that the unworthiness in me is so great that I will never be free of it and I don’t understand it. The other day I watched the movie "The Secret Life of Bees" with Queen Latifa and Dakota Fanning and this triggered again in me these deep unworthiness feelings I have around being unlovable. There is so much still to work through.

This next letter to God is just another attempt to continue working through these unworthiness based emotions.

Dear God,

How do I let go of fear and hatred and mistrust? How do I open my soul to love when I don’t really know what love is? When my only experience of love has been one that has been marred by conditions and control – even my soulmate love! How do I begin to trust You when I can’t even feel You? It all feels hopeless. It feels as if nothing will ever change and I will be held in this self-imposed prison for the rest of eternity.

I feel alone God. Isolated, alone, weary, doubtful and unworthy of Your love or of anyone else’s love! How do I change this Father? What do I need to do, to feel in order to feel worthy of Your love? Of John’s love? Please help me to feel as if I deserve to be loved! Please Father, Please help me! Please!

Linda
08.02

And this from my journal after the above letter triggered some huge emotions for me.

Right now I am feeling drained and somewhat defeated. For the past five and a half hours I have been working through the very deeply ingrained sense of unworthiness that is within my soul, feeling my way through hatred, mistrust, control, conditional love, hopelessness and ‘why won’t he listen to me? Why doesn’t anyone believe me?’ This deep emotion was triggered yesterday by John’s open rejection of me when we were at some friends place and the topic of us selling our house and relocating came up. I could feel strong resistance from him towards this conversation even though we have been talking of moving for the past ten years or so. I could feel myself projecting anger at him as I felt a deep sense of rejection.

Later that night we talked about this experience and as we were talking I could feel this emotion of ‘why won’t he listen to me? Why doesn’t anyone believe me?’ And I realized that it is connected with my father and my experiences of sexual abuse as a two year old. I desperately wanted daddy to believe me but he didn’t. He was more concerned with keeping the status quo than he was of protecting me. It was at this time that I learnt that I must sacrifice myself in order to gain daddy’s approval and love – and I have been doing that ever since! I have been sacrificing my self, my truth, my soul, my desires in order to feel love and approval and now I realize that I have hated myself for doing this. I have hated myself most of my life and I have not trusted my body – ever! Hence the sexual experimentation as a child, the thrush and acne as a teenager and young adult, the difficult pregnancies and increasing weight with each one and the ongoing battle with obesity and pain. These have all been self-punishing effects from the emotions of feeling totally unworthy and unlovable, of never feeling as if I would ever be enough or that my life would ever mean anything.

After working through this emotion for some five hours one of my guides came to me and explained that this emotion of deep, deep unworthiness is a generational emotion and deeply ingrained in both my father and my mother and that very few on either side have chosen to feel this deep unworthiness, this is why it is so hard for me. He reassured me that God and many Celestial spirits have been with me throughout this process supporting me and that God is pleased with my progress. He gently reminded me that I am loved and respected and not to be so hard on myself. There is more to work through but God knows what my soul can cope with and to trust the process – and myself.

As I allowed myself to continue to dip into these emotions of deep unworthiness a couple of weeks later I wrote this poem. It speaks for itself.

There are cracks appearing in my armour

There are cracks appearing in my armour
And they make it easier to breathe
There are cracks appearing in my armour
And it is beginning to set me free

As I open my soul to Your Divine Love
I feel little bits of armour fall away
And the real me beginning to shine through
I am beginning to feel safe and not want to flee

There are cracks appearing in my armour
Slowly opening, getting wider
Soon large chunks of armour will fall off
And everyone will see the real me.

I thought it would be scary to let go
Of the armour I have so carefully built around myself
But I am beginning to realize that this armour
Has been my hindrance and kept me from knowing You

There are cracks appearing in my armour
And for this I am very grateful
For when the armour falls away
All that will be revealed is God’s true Majesty

Linda Munster
22.02.11