On Trust and Judgement

This letter to God was written a couple of days after I recently began my journey into self-responsibility and God reliance.  I had been away from home less than a week and was already feeling the strength of my addictions.  I am very grateful for the advice given to me by my guides both then and today, for once again, as I type and re-read this, I realize that it is perfect for where I am at at this moment. I hope it is of help to you also.

love

Linda

04.11.11

Dear God,

I don’t want to do this anymore!  I don’t want to face the truth of how unloving I have been in my life!   I don’t want to know how much I hate men, how much anger I have within my soul about the way I have been treated by men in the past.  I don’t want to know how unloving I have been!  I don’t want to feel all the guilt and shame that I feel about how I have used John as a comfort blanket to make me feel better about myself.  I am afraid that if I let him go I will sink into the dark abyss of despair that is in my soul and I will not have the courage or the strength to find my way back to me!  I don’t even know who that is anymore God!  I am not sure that I ever knew.  

I feel lost, alone, confused and jaded in this whole process.  I don’t recognize when I am in my body or not.  I have trouble recognizing love.  I crave reassurance.  It is like a drug and without it I can not survive.  I need someone to tell me that I am ok, that I am lovable, that I am worthwhile. 

I want to run back home to John’s loving embrace, to the comfort and reassurance that I know he will give me.  But if I do that I will have failed.  It will be yet another quick fix to make me feel better and if I do that I will be placing a very unloving demand upon him.  I don’t want to do that anymore God!  I don’t want to live in a relationship full of addiction and avoidance.  I have caused him enough pain.  I have pushed him away enough. 

But I am lost God! I feel all of this turmoil in my soul and I don’t understand it.  I want someone to rescue me!  I feel that I cannot do this alone and I need help but I do not know where to turn.  I don’t feel my guides with me anymore God.  Why have I turned them away?  I feel so inadequate, so small, so broken, so false!  How do I heal this part of me God? Will I ever have the courage to face the truth? To let You in? To trust love?

Why don’t I want to trust love God? What is love? Who am I?  Where am I? Please help me!  Show me what to do!  Can I please ask for some help?  Can I please ask for some guidance and for the humility to take direction and the willingness to be open to the truth? 

How do I succumb to the grief around the truth without beating myself up about it?  How do I learn to be gentle and loving with myself?  How do I learn to trust the truth? How do I learn to forgive myself?

With God!

But where is God?  Why don’t I feel Her?

God is watching and waiting for you to open your heart and soul to Her.  She wants to comfort you but you keep putting up blocks.  You keep running away.

How do I stop running away?

Allow yourself to feel the fear and the pain without judgement or expectation.  Allow the emotion to flow. Allow the emotion to reveal the truth.  Do not judge it, do not try to pre-empt it, just allow it.

How do I let go of judgement?

Feel what it is like to feel judged.  Feel what your own judgement had done to others.  Just feel it, without question, without judgement, just acceptance.  And when it is done, when the emotion is spent, feel the relief.  Do not judge it, do not question it, just feel it.  Accept it. 

You are making this much harder than it needs to be.  Relax into the process more.  Trust the process.  Trust God.  Trust yourself and trust us.  We are always with you waiting for an opportunity to assist you and that comes through love.  Do not be so hard on yourself.  Trust and allow the process.  Love yourself even in your error for when you recognize and release the error another part of the real you is revealed, the real you who is beautiful, the real you who others sometimes see.  Trust this.  Love yourself and then you will find it much easier to love others. 

You don’t have to do it all in one go.  It takes time and patience.  Be patient with yourself.  You are all beginning on a remarkable journey, one that has not been followed on earth for nearly 2000 years and even then was only done successfully by one man.  He guides you now.  Listen to him, learn from him, trust him, but mostly be patient with yourself.  This is not a race.  It is not a competition but rather an opportunity that you have chosen to accept.  Do not worry about time, you are too caught up in time.  Time is an illusion and it can be a trap.  Live each moment as it presents yourself.  Do not skip over moments, this is an error in you that will take much practice to overcome.  Learn to be present in every moment, every aspect of every moment.  Meditate more and in the stillness notice everything without judgement. Learn to be present and go from there.  There are no shortcuts but you can prolong your journey through arrogance, impatience and judgement. 

Learn to be humble, to be present. 

We will help you.

 We love you very much.

Peter and others

A Letter from God

I have been away for the past 18days camping on my own.  This was for me an exercise in stepping more fully into self-responsibility and God-reliance and challenging the huge addiction that I had to being rescued. It was an interesting experience and brough up much stuff for me, both exposing some of the errors in my soul and rekindling an amazement and wonder at all of God's creation.  Over the next few days or weeks I will post more of what I learn't on this trip but today I would like to share some things I learn on the trip and also an exercise I did with the Prayer for Divine Love while away (Thanks to Anna for suggesting this exercise).  I suggest that you do the same, use the Prayer as a guide to write a letter to you from God.

Things I learnt from 18 days camping on my own

With God anything is possible

I can survive on my own if I have to

I CAN trust God

When I stay connected to my body though physical activity/exercise I connect to my real (emotional) self (soul) and my guides more easily

I am never alone even if sometimes I feel lonely

ALL of God’s creation is truly amazing (I knew this but good to have it reaffirmed)

It is OK to lean on somebody for support, especially if that someone is God

It is OK to be gentle with myself, God doesn’t expect me to be perfect in an instant, He is infinitely patient and I am allowed to be patient with myself too.  Eternity is a VERY long time.

When I hold on to anger/fear/rage I am more likely to be attacked by annoying insects but when I release fear/anger/rage lovingly insects are kinder to me.

Truth when coupled with love is a gift

My body works best on a predominately raw diet.

A letter from God

My dearest child, I am your Father who loves you and through this love I have created all that is for your enjoyment and contemplation.  You are My child, the greatest of all of My creations and My Love for you knows no bounds.  My soul sings with joy at your triumphs and I am delighted when you turn to Me in your anguish.

My child, how I wish you could understand how great My Love is for you and how much I desire for you to grow in love and become at-one with Me, free of error and ever-growing in love and truth, respecting all of My creation and understanding the intricacies of its purpose.

I long for you to understand that My Love is waiting for you and that you simply have to open your soul to Truth so that the errors might leave you and My Holy Spirit may then fill your soul with My Love in such great abundance that your soul will be truly transformed into the very essence of Myself.  And with each step of this transformation your faith will continue to grow until you realize that you are My child, filled with love and compassion for yourself and for each and every one of your brothers and sisters and all of My creation.

I want you to understand that I am your Father and you are My child and that My Love for you is such that I will give to you everything that you need for a life filled with love and bliss. But you need to want these things from Me with all sincerity and know that I can not and will not provide these gifts unless you choose to receive them through truth and love.

Please know dear child that I am here always and I wait for you to awaken your desire for Me and to come to Me in earnestness and with faith that I will provide for you everything that you need.

I watch over you every moment of every day and you are always in My Heart, even when you stray and forget that I am there, yet still I am with you.  I have sent you angels to guide you, but you must learn to listen to them with your heart and soul and they will help to keep you safe from those who may choose to try to harm or control you and try to steer you away from Me through the temptations of the flesh which will weaken you.

My love knows no bounds and as your beloved Father I want to bestow My Love upon you in great abundance.  Know that I wait for you and I long to take you fully into My loving arms where you may rest your weary soul.

You are safe with Me and can trust in My Love.

Come my child, come home to where love and joy and bliss await you for I am your Father and I wait for you. My soul is bursting with love for you.  Come home to Me and rest where you belong.

Your loving Father.

14.11.11