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I am a child of God. I am precious. I am loved.
I didn't earn it and I can't lose it.
It is God's gift to me.
Before my parents knew I was 'on the way'
God created pathways for me to walk in.
No one can live my life the way I can.
God has preserved my life for me
and wants me to walk freely in it.
I was not created to be a replacement for anyone else.
I am ... because God destined me to be.
(Jeremiah 1:5)
I feel that I have known for a very long time that I am God's child, I certainly knew that my 'children' were God's children and this made it easy for me to let them go, to be free to explore their world without a heap of projections form me about 'being safe'; I always knew (well, mostly always, sometimes I did let me fear override this knowing) that God would protect them. Why then do I still struggle to know that I am precious, I am loved? It has been a long hard road to get to the point of learning to accept this truth but doubt still creeps in from time to time which allows darker spirits to manipulate and control me as they play upon this doubt.
I didn't earn it and I can't lose it. It is God's gift to me. But in order to receive this gift I must activate my soul's longings for love and ask God to give it to me. God will always honour our free will and will never impose upon us anything that is not asked for. In my next post I'll show HOW God's Love can and does change our souls. But the key here is using our free will to activate or souls and ask for God's Love; and to continue to ask for God's Love as long as we exist. God's Love is abundant and infinite, we just need to learn how to tap into it remembering that Love is an emotion that must be felt and it can only enter us when error leaves. Love and error cannot co-exist. When error leaves, Love can enter; and error leaving is painful so in order to receive abundant qualities of God's Love we must be willing to feel and release our errors so that God's Love can heal us and make us whole. Receiving God's Love is an emotional transaction between God and any one of Her children. But we must ask in order to receive.
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My life is not a mistake.
God made me out of the love that He is.
He called me into being at the right time
and the right place.
He prepared a way for me.
I am a privilege, not a burden;
A joy and delight, not a disappointment;
I am not an intrusion, I belong.
I am a treasure just because I am,
not merely for what I can do.
I am one of Mother God's own children
and She delights in me.
(Psalm 127:3-5)
This prayer in particular resonates very strongly with me.
So often in my childhood I felt that maybe I was a mistake - I did not feel loved. I often felt like a burden, especially when I pushed my parents' buttons and they did not want to feel whatever it was that I was triggering in them. Instead, like most people, they dismissed their emotions and projected blame onto me. They didn't just do this with me but with all of my siblings and other kids as well - sometimes with other adults. And I have done this with my own and others' children.
Too often in my childhood I felt that I was an intrusion; "children should be seen and not heard" was the old adage that I was brought up with. And we were dismissed when we deemed to be a nuisance or our parents were entertaining adult friends - kids were a nuisance at these time - Not always, but often.Unless we are willing to challenge the accepted wisdom and rattle the status quo we end up repeating the same mistakes that our parents made. And whilst I feel that I did challenge many of my parents' perceptions of proper parenting I have made many of the same mistakes. My only recourse now is to feel what that felt like for me as well as for those I have hurt, to ask for God's forgiveness, mercy and Love and pray that my children will do a better job than I have done.
As I work my way very slowly through all of my childhood injuries I am slowly learning that I actually am a treasure - I am a child of God, 'the greatest of Her creation and the object of Her Love and tenderest care'*. I don't know that I ever felt like that from my birth parents and this is possibly the hardest truth for me to face, along with knowing that I am 'not the sinful, subservient and depraved creature that false teachers would have me to believe'*. This truth was so heavily masked through my parents projections, the projections of the world around me and in particular through the teachings of the Catholic Church. I was taught that I was born a sinner when the truth is that I was created perfect in God's image and heavily tarnished by the unloving behaviours, attitudes and false beliefs of those around me from the moment of conception. I learnt to earn love through my actions; it was never enough to just be me. In fact being just me was very triggering for the adults in my world, especially my parents and I quickly learnt how NOT to be me and instead to be the person who would please the adults in my world (to be my façade) and thus get their affection (if I was lucky!).
'I am one of Mother God's own children and She delights in me'. Yes, ... well ... there is a LOT that I still have to feel here. I am one of Mother God's own children and She delights in me - and in you too!
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* excerpts from the prayer for Divine Love - see post February 4th 2012
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