Friday 22 March 2013

How I became a Madman


 I was doing some reflecting recently and found myself once again going to the messages from Judas which were received by Hans Radix in 2002.  One of my favourites is the message on Faith, Knowledge, Understanding and Trust - January 30th 2002.  In this message Hans quotes a poem from Kahlil Gibran – How I became a Madman.  As I reflected upon the words in this poem I began to see many parallels with walking the Way to God. Here are my reflections on this great work.

First – The Complete Poem.

HOW I BECAME A MADMAN

You ask me how I became a madman. It happened thus: One day, long before many gods were born, I woke from a deep sleep and found all my masks were stolen,-the seven masks I have fashioned an worn in seven lives,-I ran maskless through the crowded streets shouting, “Thieves, thieves, the cursed thieves.”

Men and women laughed at me and some ran to their houses in fear of me.

And when I reached the market place, a youth standing on a house-top cried, “He is a madman.” I looked up to behold him; the sun kissed my own naked face for the first time. For the first time the sun kissed my own naked face and my soul was inflamed with love for the sun, and I wanted my masks no more. And as if in a trance I cried, “Blessed, blessed are the thieves who stole my masks.”

Thus I became a madman.

And I have found both freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us.

But let me not be too proud of my safety. Even a Thief in a jail is safe from another thief.

………………

How it fits with Walking the Way to God – my interpretations.

You ask me how I became a madman (how I came to look at the world differently and how I began to be seen as ‘mad’ by those with a mind closed to truth).  It happened thus: One day, long before many gods were born (before the world placed many interpretations upon God) I woke from a deep sleep (from a life that I was living unconsciously) and found that all of my masks were stolen ( my masks are the façades that I had created in order to cover over my injured self), - the seven masks that I had fashioned and worn in seven lives (the different ways I present myself to the world according to who I am with and what side of me I want to present – partner, children, family, friends, work colleagues, church or religious associates, strangers) – I ran maskless through the crowded streets (revealing my real self for the first time to everyone around me) shouting “thieves, thieves, the cursed thieves” (afraid and exposed I want to blame others for the flaws which are now revealed for all to see).

Men and women laughed at me and some ran into their houses in fear of me (they could not understand how someone could be so exposed and allow themselves to be seen as they truly are.  They laughed at what they themselves are afraid of in order to cover their fear, and hid more carefully behind their façade masks).

And when I reached the market place, a youth standing on a house top cried, “He is a Madman” (people don’t want to be confronted by error and imperfection and generally consider those brave enough to begin to ‘tear away their masks’ to be mad.  They don’t understand courage and prefer the safety of the herd mentality where it is easy to remain hidden amongst those who are the same as they are). I looked up to behold him; and the sun kissed my naked face for the first time (it is only when I am willing to drop my façade and expose the nakedness of my soul, with all of its blemishes and imperfections, that the love of God can kiss my soul). For the first time the sun kissed my own naked face and my soul was inflamed with love for the sun and I wanted my masks no more (the Love of God is so powerful, so magical, that when I dare to drop the façade and expose all of my flaws and open up my soul to God’s Love and Grace; only then, can I not imagine a life without God’s Love.  It is like a drug and I constantly seek to have more of it – this healing Love that helps me to see and know the real me).  And as if in a trance I cried, “Blessed, blessed are the thieves who stole my masks” (because now I realize that it is my masks, my façade that prevents me from knowing God and feeling Her Love embrace my bare soul).

Thus I became a madman (no longer a part of the herd mentality but willing to learn to be my real, authentic, unique self – the self that God created).

And I have found both freedom and safety in my madness (the freedom to be myself and safety in God’s loving embrace); the freedom of the loneliness (happy and content to be by myself with God) and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us (understanding implies that from this point onwards I will remain the same; but my goal is to continually expand and grow, to change and discover new aspects of myself and God’s universe. I don’t want to be understood so much as to be known for who I truly am and I want to know you too).

But let me not be too proud of my safety.  Even a Thief in jail is safe from another thief (pride is the opposite of humility and humility is what is needed if I am to walk maskless in this world. I want to get to that point in my progression towards Love and Truth where, like Judas, I can say “now for me it is no longer a question of believing or not believing, now I simply know. I have felt the sunbeams of God’s Love on the naked skin of my soul.”(page 137)).

…………………

So now the questions I must continually ask myself is “Why do I still cling so tightly to my masks as if I am guarding them with my very life?  What is preventing me from completely stripping off my masks and allowing God’s Love to kiss the nakedness of my bare soul, to hold it (me) firmly in Her Loving Embrace? How can I overcome the barriers that prevent me from stepping into full Humility, Love and Truth?

Please God, show me the Way Home.

(If you would like a copy of the full message referred to above or a complete copy of the Judas Messages please email me and I will forward it to you – munjolin@bigpond.com)

Sunday 17 March 2013

Learning to Let Love in.


I have been struggling with loving myself most of my life.  It is as if there is a deep self-loathing that I don’t yet fully understand and I am finding it difficult to work my way through this emotionally.  I received a clue to this recently when I re-listened to the Divine Truth Talk on Emotions and the Mother Taboo (www.divinetruth.com - June 26th 2010 – also on the Divine Truth YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8VzVIYHpOE&list=PLF04C988375DCDF23&index=47 ). At around 51mins into the talk AJ shared this statement When you suppress anger what finishes up happening is called resentment … if you are a woman suppressing anger towards mother you’re going to end up resenting yourself as a woman as well as resenting your mother.  It is the same if you are a man suppressing your anger towards your father.

I know I have a lot of repressed anger in my soul.  My body has been telling me this for years – acne, thrush, tinea – these are all ‘angry’ conditions in the body characterized by inflammation and I have had them all.  But it is difficult to access or work through anger fully when you have a deep fear of anger.  It is not so much the underlying fear that I am afraid of (although it could be) but more a fear of the anger itself that I need to access in order to get to the deeper cause of the dis-ease in my soul. 

I hate anger! 

I hate receiving it. 

I hate expressing it! 

Anger terrifies me and I have a lot of judgements about it all of which are born from my childhood (as are most of the errors in our souls).  But if I am ever to heal the errors in my soul, and therefore my body, I need to let go of the judgements that I have about anger and allow my soul to express all of the anger which has been pent up for most of my life.  This is a huge challenge for me and is blocking me from accessing the deeper grief within my soul which is preventing my connection with God from growing.  I have been praying about this a lot lately.

Recently when I was working through some emotions I had a bit of a revelation.

God loves me.

God loves me despite my faults and errors. 

God loves ME despite my unloving thoughts, feelings and actions. 

God loves ME despite my imperfection. 

God loves me even though I am fat and often feel stupid and inadequate. 

God has always loved me.

And God does not make mistakes.  Ever.  So if God loves me and I have felt this love and know it is real, and if God does not make mistakes; that means that I must be loveable. This is God’s Truth.  I am supremely loveable as I currently am.  I do not need to be slim, fit, young, smart and beautiful to be loveable.  God loves me as I currently am.  I am one of the greatest of God’s creation, the most wonderful of His handiworks and the object of Her great love and tenderest care.

God loves me as I currently am therefore I must be loveable as I currently am.  I don’t need to be anyone other than myself to be loveable. I have repeated this a lot here because I still don’t get this emotionally – at a soul level.  I understand this intellectually but I struggle to ‘get it’ at the soul level. 

I have spent much of my life modifying myself in order to please others.  Searching for love any way I can.  What I didn’t understand was that God loves me exactly as I am.  God created me as a perfect human being, a perfect half of a soul and I don’t need to be anything other than myself. 

The problem is that for most of my childhood being myself didn’t seem to be acceptable.  I was taught ‘to be a good girl’; ‘to behave myself’; ‘to not do this or that’.  It seemed that I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.  I was moulded to ‘fit’ the accepted norm at the time.  And I didn’t understand this connection that God wants with all of Her children; that God craves from all of His children. The Catholic Church doesn’t teach about a personal relationship with God.  It taught me that I need a priest in order to have a relationship with God.  That I must obey its laws – most of which are not in harmony with God’s Laws and are manipulative, controlling and driven by fear, power and control.  This is what I grew up with.

Now I am learning that I do not need anyone else to have a relationship with God; that my relationship with God is personal and unique. And it feels right. My challenge is now to accept the gift of God’s Love and come to believe what God already knows – that as Her daughter I am supremely loveable.  I am a prefect creation of God’s and She does not make mistakes – EVER!  I AM loveable just as I am in this moment.

While a tiny flicker of a light is going on in my soul as this truth begins to take hold the demon I am really struggling with right now is to learn to love myself, to learn to forgive myself for all of the unloving actions I have taken in the past (and there have been many).  Until I can learn to do that – to forgive myself – it will be very difficult to learn to love myself or others.  I need to remind myself of this truth every day.

God loves me exactly as I am in this moment.  She has never stopped loving me.

I have felt God’s Love and I know it is real.  God loves me therefore I am loveable.

This needs to become my daily mantra.  My daily prayer needs to be “Please God, help me to overcome the barriers that prevent me from accepting Your Truth – that I am loveable exactly as I am.”

I still struggle with this but with God’s help and Grace I will eventually allow this truth to sink deep into my soul and become a knowing, a reality.  When I can do this I will be able to love others more freely and without expectation.  I will be able to give more of myself.

There is a lot of grief that I need to feel still as to why this is not already a truth in my soul.