As the New Year marches on filled with challenges and surprises it is probably a good time to reflect upon the year that was – 2015.
As I sit in quiet contemplation I find myself not wanting to see so many truths that God has been gently guiding me to open my soul to for such a long time. And I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have such patience, such compassion, such understanding and such love, as God has, for everything and everyone despite our flaws and weaknesses.
How different would my life have been if truth and real love had been the governing factors throughout my life and not just in the past six years? Sure, I have attempted to live my life from a place of acceptance, tolerance and love – at least since I was old enough to make conscious and meaningful choices for myself. But in all this time the real driving force has been a desire to be loved; a desire to be understood; a desire to be accepted. And in coming from this place of addiction I have automatically been out of harmony with love. It has taken some very hard lessons to begin to crack open the tough exterior shell around my soul. And looking back now I am grateful for those hard lessons. But there is still so much work to be done.
Upon reflection I can see now how much of my life and the choices I have made have been driven by fear of rejection. Until I am able to really get to the heart of the cause of these addictions it will be very difficult for me to feel truly accepted, truly loved and truly valued.
What would life be like if we learnt to live from a place of acceptance and tolerance; acceptance of ourselves as we truly are in this moment, and tolerance for our faults, hurts and injuries?
What would life be like if we truly learnt to love as God loves – unconditionally and totally, with respect for our free will and compassion for the injuries that drive our unloving choices?
What does real love actually mean? What would real love actually do?
The clue is in the above statements about how God loves – unconditionally, totally, with respect for the free will of every person regardless of their injures, and tolerance for their/our unloving choices whilst having compassion for the hurt child locked deep within and wanting to find his/her voice. If we look around at our natural environment in its pristine state we can see little clues everywhere.
God does not give us everything we want. God sees beyond the here and now. He sees deep into our souls to the very core of our being and He understands what drives our thoughts and actions – those in harmony with love and truth and those driven by fear. He knows WHY we say or do the things we do and He has total compassion for our brokenness. He also knows what would happen if He gave in to our demands and unloving addictive behaviour.
Since the beginning of time God has been observing the rise and fall of the human soul. Watching our journey with compassion and understanding as we grapple with being mind-dominance and compete for power and control, trying to avoid our deeply buried hurt and pain, and setting up a chain reaction which continues to reverberate down the ancestral lines. He has consistently sent us many teachers and messengers who have had more courage and more understanding of Love than most to show us the way over this time – the great prophets, Jesus, Mohamad, Budda, Ghandi, Mandella, Mother Theresa and many others have been shining a guiding light upon earth for many millennia. Sometimes we recognize these great teachers and sometimes we don’t.
The problem of course is that Love and Truth will always confront error and addiction and this results in pain. We have a tendency to run away from pain. We have in-built pain receptors in our body which act as beacons sending warning signals and when these are triggered we mostly learn to avoid the painful stimuli – like sharp knives, hot saucepans, fire and a host of other painful stimuli.
But what do we do with the painful emotional stimuli, the ones which tell us what is going on in the soul?
Mostly we ignore them. We want to avoid feeling our sadness, our despair, our hopelessness, our fear, our grief and especially (for me anyway) our rage. We have been so conditioned to believe that in order to be a ‘good’ person we must sacrifice ourselves in order to please others and keep the peace.
But what about me? Surely in God’s eyes I am just as important as anyone else?
Why then has this false concept of self-sacrifice taken hold and spread throughout humanity like an uncontrollable wildfire?
The only logical answer can be that in response to sacrificing ourselves in order to gain ‘love’ and ‘approval’ we perpetuate the error by unconsciously demanding that others meet our addictions to help us avoid our fears and make us feel better about ourselves.
As children we rely on adults for our survival and it is easy to understand why we quickly learn to sacrifice ourselves in order to feel safe, protected and loved. Some children never feel safe, protected and loved. And so, without even thinking, as adults we naturally begin to demand from others that which was taken from us as children. We become selfish without even realizing it. Most of us wander through life in this half-dream state. Gradually shutting down to our hurt and pain while at the same time ramping up our demands that others help us avoid the hurt and pain within. We are seeing more and more of this in society with increasing incidences of dementia, Alzheimer’s, suicide and mental illness. What we do not yet seem to realize is that it is the soul which drives our lives – not the mind. The soul – not the mind, is the powerhouse of the real me. When I honour my soul, the sensory apparatus which houses my passions, desires, longings, emotions, memories, humility, love, intentions, personality, free will, instinct, energy, and more, I am honouring my real self – my half of the soul.
In order to grow in love I must first grow a desire for truth. Facing truth exposes the errors in my soul – the hurt, grief, fear, shame, anger, rage and so on which must be felt and released in order for Love to flow in.
From a very young age we are taught to ‘behave’ ourselves, to not feel what is often perceived as negative emotions – hurt, fear, sadness and so on. Often we have been punished (emotionally through ridicule, condemnation, judgement and / or physically through violent ‘correction’) for expressing our real selves. Boys have too often been bullied into being strong and ‘manly’ as they helplessly learn to be tough, hard and ‘unemotional’. Girls have too often been coaxed into being subservient, passive and compliant. And woe betide anyone who dares to try to break free of these moulds and unloving expectations! And thank God that there have been people throughout history who have had the courage to show us a different way forward. People like Jesus, Ghandi, Mandela, Mallala, Patch Adams, Steven Jobs, the Suffragettes and many, many more.
In every community, in every corner of the world there are people with the courage to question society’s expectations and push the boundaries of the ‘accepted’. You probably know many in your own local community. We need more of them.
How different would our world be if from birth children learn that they are God’s child, created perfect in every natural way, and that the soul is the real you?
What if in school we are taught that it is not only OK, but it is encouraged to express the real you; and the means is provided for the safe and loving expression of all emotions – especially emotions of anger, rage, fear and grief.
What sort of society would we live in if children were taught from a very young age that it is not only OK, but it is encouraged, to feel and release their fear and unloving emotions in a loving way which does not harm any other living thing; and that when they do they will feel lighter, happier, more self-confident and loving. They will then soon see that love and laughter are infectious. But in order for children to learn this we need adults to show them the way.
Over the past six years I have slowly been opening my soul to Love and Truth. This past year, 2015, has been the most confronting year yet as I begin to challenge addictions – physically, emotionally and in relationships. It has been hard. I often feel like a fish swimming against the current, but unlike the salmon, I have not yet learnt to jump waterfalls in order to get to the calm safe pool beyond. Well, maybe baby waterfalls or rapids which lead to shallow rocky pools. As I slowly gain the courage to challenge addictions and honour my soul above all others I am being shown little cracks in the prison that I have constructed for myself and more light and love begin to trickle in.
My challenge for this year, 2016, is to confront fear and let go of judgement – especially judgement of myself. If I can face the truth about WHY I judge myself and anger so harshly I have a hope of making some progress towards Love.
Judgement of anger is a HUGE emotion for me and I don’t understand it. I have HUGE amounts of resistance to feeling the rage that remains deeply buried within my soul and this rage is keeping me fat and in constant pain. This has to change. It is time. It is time to let go of false beliefs and finally learn to step into God-reliance and trust that God knows exactly what I need to learn. When I finally learn to see the blocks that I have to trusting that God knows and understands the pain in my soul, and that She wants to nurse me through this pain then, and only then, will I be able to step into God-reliance and move through the painful emotions and errors in my soul. And when I do learn this, true and permanent healing will begin. All I have to do is to soften to the pain (without judgement), open to humility and Trust that God loves me and wants to help me through this pain.
As I learn to pay attention to what the Law of Attraction is telling me, both positive and negative, I will learn to read God’s signs and let go of any pre-conceived notions I may have about what is right and what is loving.
My prayer for 2016 is that I may grow in humility so that I might open my heart and soul more fully to God’s Truth and God’s Love. This is my prayer not only for me but for each and every one of my brothers and sisters, both here on earth and in the spirit world.
I wish you an enlightening and rewarding year ahead.