It has been some time since I last wrote – over a year in fact. At the assistance group with Jesus, Mary and Cornelius last August I was confronted with some very uncomfortable truths which sent my world into a spin. It has taken me much of this time to return from the stratosphere of emotional turmoil and feel centered enough to start writing again. In this time I have been searching for the little pieces of my shattered soul in an attempt to begin the arduous task of piecing the puzzle back together again. I am not sure if I am yet capable of tackling this task or even if I really want to at a soul level. This is a massive revelation for me and it is really quite shocking.
At the end of July last year I attended a ten day retreat in the beautiful Monkeri Valley in the foothills of the Barrington Tops in New South Wales with Jesus, Mary and Cornelius. They termed it the ‘Assistance Groups’ and the aim was to bring together people who are interested in learning about God’s Truth and growing in Divine Love. It was an immense privilege, I feel, to be invited to attend this workshop.
It can be very cold in this region at this time of year and we were blessed with beautiful winter’s weather – cold and fresh but not unbearably freezing as it had been a few weeks prior. I was extremely grateful that I was able to secure a single room as this gave me the space I needed to feel into the emotions that surfaced during the time there.
Over the course of the retreat Jesus, Mary and Cornelius expanded and deepened teachings that had already been presented on Truth, Love, God, the soul and more. And they offered their feedback (in a group setting) to a few who were brave enough to expose their errors publicly in a bid to grow in Love.
I recognize now, and this was a hugely shocking revelation for me, how arrogant I have become since awakening to God’s Truth and Love. It is a trap that many fall into on this path, this Way to God. But it really took a comment from Jesus, which hit me smack bang in the face, to wake me up. His comment (that I am assuming that John is my soulmate) totally took the wind out of my sails.
What did this mean?
If you have read my earlier post on soulmates you will begin to see the depths of my dilemma. This comment put me into such a spin that five months on I don’t think I have yet found my bearings. Even now, some fourteen months on I am still struggling to find my way through the maze of confusion that has arisen as a result of this revelation. Am I doing anything right? Has everything I have been doing been a lie? Has anything been real? How would I possibly know what is the truth and what is mischievous deception?
I cannot answer that yet – even now, over fourteen months later I still am not sure that I can answer that. I am still sifting through the debris of the fallout and trying to feel my way through this maze of lies, deception, truth, love, and hope.
Everything I think I know has been called into question. Everything I thought I felt now has a dark cloud hanging over it. Everything.
I still feel strongly that John is my soulmate but I know that we are not in a soulmate relationship – not yet anyway. This is something that we both must want wholeheartedly. It is something that can only happen when we both place God firmly at the center of our worlds. And this is something that we both struggle with. While I feel that I have a strong desire for a relationship with God I have been forced to acknowledge, in a most shocking way, that I hold John up as my God. And while ever I do this I am severely limiting my own progress towards having a real relationship with God. It is impossible to have both. God must come first for any real progress to be made.
I am still reeling from this revelation.
I do not know what it means for me. Am I strong enough, brave enough to desire a personal relationship with God above all else? I do not yet know. But I do know that I want to be.
There have been times when I have been very ragefull and resentful about the situation I now find myself in and many tears have been spilt as a result. But, what do I trust? What is the real truth? At this point I can’t answer that. I have tried walking away from God and this Path to Love but that is too painful and the pull towards Love is too strong – I can’t do it. At times I feel trapped and I get angry about that also. But I have HUGE judgements about anger and I find it difficult to process through that. The cushions and soft furnishings in the downstairs room are coping a great deal of bashing lately and the dust doesn’t settle for long! Old magazines are being torn to shreds in a bid to connect to and release some of the anger within my soul. But there is still so much yet to feel and at times I despair of ever breaking through the barriers that I have erected between me and God.
I am learning just how unloving and destructive to the soul arrogance can be and how hard it is to let it go. I am also learning that the pull towards a relationship with God is stronger than any other kind of love that I have experienced and I am terrified of what that might mean for every other relationship.
I think I want 2016 to be the year for challenging addictions of every description – physical, emotional, food, relationships etc. Perhaps 2016 will be there year that I find the courage and the willingness to break down the barriers that prevent me from developing a relationship with God for real? Maybe this will be the year that I finally stop deceiving myself and learn to develop true humility? Because, in the end it doesn’t really matter right now if John is my soulmate, it only matters that love is the central premise of this and any other relationship.
And so I make this promise to myself – every day is a new beginning. Every day presents new opportunities to learn to love. I will strive to learn to let go of false teachings and unloving actions and thoughts – both about myself and others. Every day I will reflect upon my thoughts and actions ask for forgiveness and guidance. Every day I will hold onto the hope that I truly am worthy of love and every day I will hold onto the faith I have that God is a loving, kind, forgiving and generous Being who wants all of His children (including me) to learn to grown in love and become at-one with Him.
In a bid to help me break through some of these barriers to a real relationship with God, I was fortunate enough to work with a wonderful therapist in Ipswich. The incredible lengthy sessions we have had together have focused mostly on assisting me to break through false beliefs and begin to see the truth about myself. I have struggled with excess weight for many years and it doesn’t seem to matter what I try – nothing works – I can’t seem to shift the excess weight. I learnt from Linda that the emotions connected with the Thyroid is RAGE. If I can get past the blocks that I have about feeling and releasing the anger and rage that is buried deep within my soul (much of it generational) I can then begin to heal my body – but only then. Working with Linda provided the permission I needed to feel the rage within my soul – but it is still a struggle and resistance is still high.
It is always reassuring to me to have the same message repeated by several different sources, this is when I know I need to pay attention. So when Linda began talking about many of the truths that I had been learning through Jesus and Mary I knew I was in the right place. It has been a huge gift to be able to work through some deeply buried issues in such a loving and accepting space and I feel blessed.
The other gift I have received in this time is the opportunity to work with a dear friend, Lainee, who has a gift for assisting others to access their deeper blocks. In the coming days and weeks I will share with you some of the revelations I have had following some profound emotional releases. From here on in I will endeavour to write regularly regardless of where I am at. I hope and pray that I have scaled the barriers to growing humility but I wonder if in saying that I am displaying arrogance? I do not know; but I do know that I have a strong desire to grow in Love and foster a relationship with God – my aim is to get to the place where my relationship with God becomes the most important relationship in my life – for all eternity.
I hope that by sharing my journey with you, you might find little bits that will assist you in your own journey wherever that takes you.