Little Glimpses of Joy
It seems to me that the past fifteen years or so my life has been in chaos! At times, absolute chaos!!! Everything was difficult. Everything was a challenge. Life seemed to be constantly being propelled from one disaster or emergency to another, and we seemed to always be in the middle of it! Tragic deaths of close family members; serious illnesses of close family members; business disasters that seemed to go from one crises to another.
For a while life was like a vortex spinning out of control and we just had to be carried along with it. Most of this I had no control over. Except for the business stuff, I had no part in its creation – well, that's what I believed at the time anyway. At times it was difficult to sleep. At times it was difficult to breathe. Most of the time it was difficult to get out of bed and face the day because I was afraid to see what disaster would greet me. This seems a bit dramatic but if I were to just list the things that were happening in my life simultaneously during this time, no one would believe me. Even the people who watched and supported us through all this could not comprehend how one family could be hit with so many seemingly negative events one after another.
I now know that this was our Law of Attraction – MY Law of Attraction ramping up to get me to look at the errors in my soul, that part of me that was out of harmony with Love and Truth and God's ultimate plan for me. This is the clearest way that God has of communicating with each of Her children to let us know if we are on track and in harmony with God's Love and Truth or if our life needs some adjusting. My life needed a LOT of adjusting!!!
I have always had a connection to God – well, for as long as I can remember anyway. God has always been a staple part of my life and I consulted Him regularly, especially when things were not going so well (which was most of the time anyway). And I consulted Him when things were going well too! Any time spent in nature, at the beach or in the rain forest, or simply sitting on our veranda was spent with God.
Looking back I can see the times when I turned to God in total despair and God revealed my errors to me and in the release of these errors His Love flowed into me. I remember these times clearly now. I just didn't understand what was really happening and how to replicate the reception of God's Love. Or how the reception of His Love could and would change my life for the better.
Slowly, through trial and error, God showed me the way and my path eventually led me to AJ Miller. AJ claims to be the reincarnation of Jesus of Nazareth and I feel this to be true. The first time I watched his introductory DVD – The Secrets of the Universe, I felt this to be true. In shock and disbelief I watched as he spoke of truths of the universe that had not yet been understood or acknowledged by mankind on earth. Something about this presentation opened a door in my soul – and opened it wide! I became a follower of AJ's teachings and began to apply them in my life.
As I slowly released errors from my soul, little pieces of the real me became revealed, in all of my injuries and sadness; my anger and rage; my shame and guilt; my fear and terror. Slowly but surely each of these errors has begun to be exposed and with God's Grace and guidance I have been walking a somewhat winding, and at times treacherous path back to God – to my real parent – and to myself!
It seems to me that in the past fifteen years or so I have not really been living life – I have been existing. Too often I have been existing for the approval of others in the hope that I might gain their love, something that I desperately craved. And in the process I have been selling off little pieces of my soul. I too often forgot that God's Love was all that I needed to sustain me (Matthew 6 25-30), too often I still forget this truth! But as my soul has slowly been opening up to God's Truth and Love over the past four and a half years and little pieces of my soul have been restored. Bit by bit, one tiny piece at a time, my pristine soul is slowly being revealed and joy is beginning to return. It feels like it has been a long time since joy has been the driving factor in my life. In fact I could honestly say that this is the first time in my life that I am consciously aware that joy is more and more becoming the driving factor in my life; that passion and desire rather than approval is what motivates me in the decisions and choices that I now make.
And it feels GREAT!!!!!
It has been a long time since I looked forward to each new day with energy and excitement. And it has been a long time since I have been driven by a passion for life and love and all that I have to offer.
And it feels GREAT!!!!
So what has caused this seemingly sudden change you might ask?
Well, for one thing, it has by no means been sudden! It has taken a commitment to honouring God's Love and Truth, as best I can, on a day to day basis; and a desire to grow in true humility to help me get here. It has required a willingness to fully feel all of my emotions as they arise and a willingness to feel God's Truth about the errors in my soul. Even now I am still too often resistant to God's Truth and Love. At times I still turn a blind eye to the messages that God is trying to tell me. Mostly because, for me anyway, letting go of 'control' and allowing God to direct my life still feels too scary!
But, gradually I am learning to NOT let fear dictate my life. I am learning to acknowledge the fear, ask God for the truth and follow my heart. I am learning that no matter what decisions I may make – loving or otherwise, God always has my back – She will always be there with me every step of the way. I am learning to let go of the negative voices in my head – the ones that tell me that I can't do something that I really want to do; the ones that tell me not to trust myself; the ones that tell me not to trust God, that God doesn't care about me, that I am nobody and I should never aspire to be somebody!
Slowly, ever so slowly, I am learning that God DOES Love ME!!! And that God wants nothing more than for me to recognize my true potential and engage my unique talents and passions and in so doing bring another piece of the puzzle to God's universe.
More and more joy and passion occupy my days. I get increasingly engrossed in projects and time just disappears. I am finally doing what I love most of the time, on most days of the week. There are still many addictions for me to work through but the path is becoming wider and clearer as more light is being let in. And joy is becoming an increasingly prominent part of each day.
And it feels GREAT!!!!