Connecting to Mother God and Facing Personal Truth

For most of my life I have struggled to connect with Mother God.  I was taught that God was a wrathful, vengeful male who would exact punishment for my every wrongdoing. God is my Father.  Not until I was in my forties did I consider that God could also be my Mother.  And this brought up a lot of confusion and guilt for me.  Would I be struck down for daring to consider that there was a Feminine nature to God?  After all, the Catholic Church has promoted a very masculine and powerful God and this seemed to be supported by teachings in the Bible. Who was I then, to even consider challenging this concept?

Then I met AJ Miller, a man claiming to be Jesus of the first century.  And I began to question everything I thought I knew about God.  The bible teaches us that God created Man in His image.  If this is a truth and God created both male and female, would it not then stand to reason that God must also have both masculine and feminine qualities?  Could it be that God is both my Mother and my Father? 

If I allow myself to feel God’s truth on this matter I can see that there are distinct differences between the masculine and feminine qualities of Mankind.  Surely then this would indicate that God, the Supreme Creator of all that is, would also have distinct masculine and feminine qualities? If not how would He know what the feminine was?

I feel that this is the truth but I struggle to connect to my Mother God.  Why is this?   

In an attempt to connect more fully with my Mother God I have again listened to the talk on “Emotions and the Mother Taboo” . At around 51mins into the talk AJ shared this statement “When you suppress anger what finishes up happening is called resentment … if you are a woman suppressing anger towards mother you’re going to end up resenting yourself as a woman as well as resenting your mother.  It is the same if you are a man suppressing your anger towards your father.” And I had to accept the truth that I do indeed resent myself as a woman. I do not yet know how to love myself as a woman, warts and all.

Unless I am willing to face the truth of these emotions in my soul I will never be able to fully connect to my Mother God. I have been praying about this a lot lately and finally found the courage to write honestly about how I feel about the feminine.  It has taken me three and a half years to get to this point (I’m a bit stubborn and a low learner)! This is an exercise I would encourage everyone to do – both towards the feminine and the masculine.  I will not share the list with you here as it is long – a couple of pages – but I will share how I came up with the list. 

After praying to God to show me the truth about how I feel about the feminine I wrote whatever came to mind about women – every woman I have ever had a negative encounter with – my mother, teachers, nuns, acquaintances, friends, sisters, colleagues, shop assistants – and rolled them all into one ‘she’.  I included everything I could remember from when I felt hurt or betrayed by a woman (and I’m sure there are more still to be included).  This has been a very cathartic experience and has brought up a lot of anger, rage and grief for me to feel into. As I was feeling into some aspects of my ‘list’ I began to realize that I myself have some of these traits that have caused me so much pain and that I too have inflicted pain upon others because of these unhealed errors in my soul – more grief, remorse and shame flowed!  Unfortunately the objects of this pain has all too often been our children.  I asked God these questions - How could I do this to them?  Why did I do this to them?

And this is what I realized about myself:

I didn’t want to feel powerless. I wanted to feel in control.

I wanted to be respected – not brushed aside.

I wanted to be listened to – not ignored.

I didn’t want to feel how out of control my life felt – how powerless I felt.  I wanted to feel powerful.

I wanted to be noticed – not ignored.

At times I allowed anger to take control. I didn’t care about the children in these instances, about how they felt – I only wanted to avoid my pain.  I was like the devil incarnated.  I wanted to punish them for my weaknesses and fears.  I didn’t even care or think about how my rage would affect them – I just wanted some sort of control in a life that I felt I had no control over.

I wanted respect but went about gaining it the wrong way – no one ever respects a person who threatens and uses violence to get what they want.  Only fear responds in a façade of respect.  This is NOT Love!  I used a weapon against my own children – how could this possibly be love?  It is NOT.  It is REVENGE!!! I wanted revenge on my parents and on the priests and nuns and teachers who instilled fear in me but they were out of my reach so I took out my revenge upon my own children – innocent souls entrusted to me by God and I abused that trust because I wanted to avoid feeling powerless.  I wanted to avoid feeling unloved.

So much shame, remorse and grief needed to be experienced in order to even receive these truths from my guides and I am grateful for their assistance.  I pray that my children can forgive me.  I pray that I can learn to forgive myself.  I am struggling with this. As I worked my way through this one of my guides – Peter taught me about forgiveness.  I will post his message in the next couple of days as this is already a long post.

My prayer is that we will all have the courage and the willingness to begin this process of healing through Truth and Love.  It takes courage, determination, persistence, faith and humility and I often find myself resisting the process.  Prayer is the only way through it. Humility is what I struggle with most.  I have found that I have been under a lot of spirit attack (mostly on my physical body – cuts, burns, rashes, tinea, pain on my left side) since I began this earnest quest to know God’s Truth about the feminine – about my real self – in order to connect more fully with my Mother God. But I know that with God’s Love and guidance I will get through it.  I will one day know and understand the feminine aspects of God - my Mother God…. One day!

I wish you well on your own personal journey towards God and healing.

With love

Linda

How I became a Madman

 I was doing some reflecting recently and found myself once again going to the messages from Judas which were received by Hans Radix in 2002.  One of my favourites is the message on Faith, Knowledge, Understanding and Trust - January 30^th 2002.  In this message Hans quotes a poem from Kahlil Gibran – How I became a Madman.  As I reflected upon the words in this poem I began to see many parallels with walking the Way to God. Here are my reflections on this great work.

First – The Complete Poem.

HOW I BECAME A MADMAN

You ask me how I became a madman. It happened thus: One day, long before many gods were born, I woke from a deep sleep and found all my masks were stolen,-the seven masks I have fashioned an worn in seven lives,-I ran maskless through the crowded streets shouting, “Thieves, thieves, the cursed thieves.”

Men and women laughed at me and some ran to their houses in fear of me.

And when I reached the market place, a youth standing on a house-top cried, “He is a madman.” I looked up to behold him; the sun kissed my own naked face for the first time. For the first time the sun kissed my own naked face and my soul was inflamed with love for the sun, and I wanted my masks no more. And as if in a trance I cried, “Blessed, blessed are the thieves who stole my masks.”

Thus I became a madman.

And I have found both freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us.

But let me not be too proud of my safety. Even a Thief in a jail is safe from another thief.

………………

How it fits with Walking the Way to God – my interpretations.

You ask me how I became a madman (how I came to look at the world differently and how I began to be seen as ‘mad’ by those with a mind closed to truth).  It happened thus: One day, long before many gods were born (before the world placed many interpretations upon God) I woke from a deep sleep (from a life that I was living unconsciously) and found that all of my masks were stolen ( my masks are the façades that I had created in order to cover over my injured self), - the seven masks that I had fashioned and worn in seven lives (the different ways I present myself to the world according to who I am with and what side of me I want to present – partner, children, family, friends, work colleagues, church or religious associates, strangers) – I ran maskless through the crowded streets (revealing my real self for the first time to everyone around me) shouting “thieves, thieves, the cursed thieves” (afraid and exposed I want to blame others for the flaws which are now revealed for all to see).

Men and women laughed at me and some ran into their houses in fear of me (they could not understand how someone could be so exposed and allow themselves to be seen as they truly are.  They laughed at what they themselves are afraid of in order to cover their fear, and hid more carefully behind their façade masks).

And when I reached the market place, a youth standing on a house top cried, “He is a Madman” (people don’t want to be confronted by error and imperfection and generally consider those brave enough to begin to ‘tear away their masks’ to be mad.  They don’t understand courage and prefer the safety of the herd mentality where it is easy to remain hidden amongst those who are the same as they are). I looked up to behold him; and the sun kissed my naked face for the first time (it is only when I am willing to drop my façade and expose the nakedness of my soul, with all of its blemishes and imperfections, that the love of God can kiss my soul). For the first time the sun kissed my own naked face and my soul was inflamed with love for the sun and I wanted my masks no more (the Love of God is so powerful, so magical, that when I dare to drop the façade and expose all of my flaws and open up my soul to God’s Love and Grace; only then, can I not imagine a life without God’s Love.  It is like a drug and I constantly seek to have more of it – this healing Love that helps me to see and know the real me).  And as if in a trance I cried, “Blessed, blessed are the thieves who stole my masks” (because now I realize that it is my masks, my façade that prevents me from knowing God and feeling Her Love embrace my bare soul).

Thus I became a madman (no longer a part of the herd mentality but willing to learn to be my real, authentic, unique self – the self that God created).

And I have found both freedom and safety in my madness (the freedom to be myself and safety in God’s loving embrace); the freedom of the loneliness (happy and content to be by myself with God) and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us (understanding implies that from this point onwards I will remain the same; but my goal is to continually expand and grow, to change and discover new aspects of myself and God’s universe. I don’t want to be understood so much as to be known for who I truly am and I want to know you too).

But let me not be too proud of my safety.  Even a Thief in jail is safe from another thief (pride is the opposite of humility and humility is what is needed if I am to walk maskless in this world. I want to get to that point in my progression towards Love and Truth where, like Judas, I can say “now for me it is no longer a question of believing or not believing, now I simply know. I have felt the sunbeams of God’s Love on the naked skin of my soul.”(page 137)).

…………………

So now the questions I must continually ask myself is “Why do I still cling so tightly to my masks as if I am guarding them with my very life?  What is preventing me from completely stripping off my masks and allowing God’s Love to kiss the nakedness of my bare soul, to hold it (me) firmly in Her Loving Embrace? How can I overcome the barriers that prevent me from stepping into full Humility, Love and Truth?

Please God, show me the Way Home.

(If you would like a copy of the full message referred to above or a complete copy of the Judas Messages please email me and I will forward it to you – munjolin@bigpond.com)

Learning to Let Love in.

I have been struggling with loving myself most of my life.  It is as if there is a deep self-loathing that I don’t yet fully understand and I am finding it difficult to work my way through this emotionally.  I received a clue to this recently when I re-listened to the Divine Truth Talk on Emotions and the Mother Taboo (www.divinetruth.com - June 26^th 2010 – also on the Divine Truth YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8VzVIYHpOE&list=PLF04C988375DCDF23&index=47 ). At around 51mins into the talk AJ shared this statement When you suppress anger what finishes up happening is called resentment … if you are a woman suppressing anger towards mother you’re going to end up resenting yourself as a woman as well as resenting your mother.  It is the same if you are a man suppressing your anger towards your father.

I know I have a lot of repressed anger in my soul.  My body has been telling me this for years – acne, thrush, tinea – these are all ‘angry’ conditions in the body characterized by inflammation and I have had them all.  But it is difficult to access or work through anger fully when you have a deep fear of anger.  It is not so much the underlying fear that I am afraid of (although it could be) but more a fear of the anger itself that I need to access in order to get to the deeper cause of the dis-ease in my soul. 

I hate anger! 

I hate receiving it. 

I hate expressing it! 

Anger terrifies me and I have a lot of judgements about it all of which are born from my childhood (as are most of the errors in our souls).  But if I am ever to heal the errors in my soul, and therefore my body, I need to let go of the judgements that I have about anger and allow my soul to express all of the anger which has been pent up for most of my life.  This is a huge challenge for me and is blocking me from accessing the deeper grief within my soul which is preventing my connection with God from growing.  I have been praying about this a lot lately.

Recently when I was working through some emotions I had a bit of a revelation.

God loves me.

God loves me despite my faults and errors. 

God loves ME despite my unloving thoughts, feelings and actions. 

God loves ME despite my imperfection. 

God loves me even though I am fat and often feel stupid and inadequate. 

God has always loved me.

And God does not make mistakes.  Ever.  So if God loves me and I have felt this love and know it is real, and if God does not make mistakes; that means that I must be loveable. This is God’s Truth.  I am supremely loveable as I currently am.  I do not need to be slim, fit, young, smart and beautiful to be loveable.  God loves me as I currently am.  I am one of the greatest of God’s creation, the most wonderful of His handiworks and the object of Her great love and tenderest care.

God loves me as I currently am therefore I must be loveable as I currently am.  I don’t need to be anyone other than myself to be loveable. I have repeated this a lot here because I still don’t get this emotionally – at a soul level.  I understand this intellectually but I struggle to ‘get it’ at the soul level. 

I have spent much of my life modifying myself in order to please others.  Searching for love any way I can.  What I didn’t understand was that God loves me exactly as I am.  God created me as a perfect human being, a perfect half of a soul and I don’t need to be anything other than myself. 

The problem is that for most of my childhood being myself didn’t seem to be acceptable.  I was taught ‘to be a good girl’; ‘to behave myself’; ‘to not do this or that’.  It seemed that I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.  I was moulded to ‘fit’ the accepted norm at the time.  And I didn’t understand this connection that God wants with all of Her children; that God craves from all of His children. The Catholic Church doesn’t teach about a personal relationship with God.  It taught me that I need a priest in order to have a relationship with God.  That I must obey its laws – most of which are not in harmony with God’s Laws and are manipulative, controlling and driven by fear, power and control.  This is what I grew up with.

Now I am learning that I do not need anyone else to have a relationship with God; that my relationship with God is personal and unique. And it feels right. My challenge is now to accept the gift of God’s Love and come to believe what God already knows – that as Her daughter I am supremely loveable.  I am a prefect creation of God’s and She does not make mistakes – EVER!  I AM loveable just as I am in this moment.

While a tiny flicker of a light is going on in my soul as this truth begins to take hold the demon I am really struggling with right now is to learn to love myself, to learn to forgive myself for all of the unloving actions I have taken in the past (and there have been many).  Until I can learn to do that – to forgive myself – it will be very difficult to learn to love myself or others.  I need to remind myself of this truth every day.

God loves me exactly as I am in this moment.  She has never stopped loving me.

I have felt God’s Love and I know it is real.  God loves me therefore I am loveable.

This needs to become my daily mantra.  My daily prayer needs to be “Please God, help me to overcome the barriers that prevent me from accepting Your Truth – that I am loveable exactly as I am.”

I still struggle with this but with God’s help and Grace I will eventually allow this truth to sink deep into my soul and become a knowing, a reality.  When I can do this I will be able to love others more freely and without expectation.  I will be able to give more of myself.

There is a lot of grief that I need to feel still as to why this is not already a truth in my soul.

Gifts from God

This morning I was reflecting upon the message I posted yesterday and I thought I would share with you some of my reflections.

While reading the message again it struck me that God has given us so many gifts – BEAUTY LOVE CLARITY TREASURES REST AWARENESS FREEDOM FORGIVNESS SAFETY KINDNESS. And there are many others but these seem to be highlighted in this message.

While reflecting I wondered –
Am I willing to accept these gifts unconditionally?
Am I willing to work to remove the barriers that prevent me from receiving them?
Am I willing to give these gifts freely in return?
Do I expect anything in return?  From others?  From God?

In order to become at-one with God I must learn to be like God – generous, kind, compassionate, open, forgiving, passionate, imaginative, desirous and be willing to love unconditionally – everyone (not just my favourite people).  It is these God-like qualities that make us beautiful. 

I am slowly learning that I must play my part in this process – I must be willing to TRUST DESIRE REFLECT SERVE SURRENDER SOFTEN and live with PASSION in order to access the gifts from God.

I must work to wash away the mud that has been flung at my soul from my environment from the moment of incarnation onwards in order to see the precious gem that lies hidden within. 

With God’s help all things are possible. With God’s help every little flicker of light can become a beacon of love and hope.

He is holding my heart in His hands.

Do I trust this?

Child of God

I regularly recieve channelled messages from a medium who posts by the name Child of God.  Occassionally I come across a message which is so powerful it brings me to tears. This is one such message and I would like to share it with you here. Please note .

© The medium reserves copyright in this message. This message may be shared freely, but may not be included in any publication for which a charge is made.

love

Linda

January 25th, 2013
Received by Child of God

I am your Beloved. Within you I see only beauty. I feel your fervent desire to serve Me and your desire to bring all good things will bring us closer.

Know that everything is taken care of. Continue your journey of surrendering. I know your innocent heart and I trust you. Nothing is taken from you and time will bring you clarity. These are but small steps which prepare you for what awaits you.

Sometimes it seems that you are lost. Know better things await you - treasure upon treasure. The more I feel your desire the more I can give and the more you can receive. Love is the answer to your longing desire. Cultivate your desire for serving Me by loving even more. You are the face of God. You are My heart and soul. Rest your mind in your trust in Me. Open up your soul to the inflowing of My Love. Shower yourself in My endless love.

The answer is love. The answer to your freedom lies within all the barriers you have built against love. Every time you cannot love fully it is a sign of a barrier you have built between us. Recognize them and accept them. Your awareness is your foundation for forgiveness. Forgiveness is just an expression of love. Your soul grows with your awareness to acknowledge and forgive. A little sin is removed from your soul and love fills you. With love comes freedom. Forgiving yourself and loving yourself sets everyone free.

If you could only see yourself. See your astonishing light - your glimmering soul. If you could only see yourself through my eyes. I see only beauty.

I am holding your heart
Your Father

Resistance and Rebellion

Resistance serves no useful purpose.  Resistance is avoidance.  Resistance is very unloving, both to yourself and to the universe.  I am coming to understand this after having been in resistance to my emotions and God’s Truth for the past couple of weeks.  This past week I have been feeling awful!  Lifeless.  Achy. Unmotivated. And cycling through phases of intense heat and at times cold – in other words I have been avoiding large amounts of anger, rage and fear and I have been paying the price for it. 

Why? 

The only answer I can come up with right now is to realize just how little love I have for myself.  Perhaps this even borders on self-loathing! Again I have to ask - Why?  And I am afraid to find out the answers.  I must be, otherwise I would succumb to the emotions, trusting in God’s Love and allow the emotions to show me the truth.  But I have not been doing that.  Fear! Fear of the truth.  Fear of the anger and rage that is within my soul. Fear of other people’s judgement and condemnation because I choose to be different, I choose to make some sort of effort to uncover the real me.  Fear of my own judgement and condemnation – ‘this feels ridiculous’; ‘I hate anger’; ‘anger serves no useful purpose’. None of this is helpful.  In fact it is all down right harmful – both to my soul and to the environment and those around me. 

How little I know about love.  How little I choose to engage in the process of love and discovering the healing power of love.

So I wanted to understand more fully this thing called Resistance. Dictionary.com describes resistance as the act or power of resisting, opposing, or withstanding or in Psychiatry it is the opposition to an attempt to bring repressed thoughts or feelings into consciousness. This is exactly what I have been doing. Opposing any attempts to bring repressed thoughts or feelings into consciousness – opposing God’s Love and laws and withstanding any attempts on my part to uncover my hidden self.  The question is WHY?

Oxford dictionary describes resistance as the refusal to accept or comply with something: So I can only assume that when I am in resistance to God’s Truth and Love I am refusing to accept God’s Truth and refusing to comply with God’s Laws. And this is what is causing me this pain and discomfort and draining me of energy. It has taken a bit to recognize this and to acknowledge to myself that I still have a HUGE resistance to authority. In recognizing this I have begun to challenge this resistance very simply by attempting to obey ALL road rules.  It has been an interesting experiment as I drive along in 60km zones which could quite safely be 70km or even 80km zones or in a 40km zone where it feels painful to be going that slow and feel the anger rising within me (most often as subtly as mild frustration) and the projections of anger from those behind me.

Resistance is also a form of rebellion the action or process of resisting authority, control, or convention: also opposition to authority; being unwilling to obey rules or accept normal standards of behaviour, dress, etc. So when I am in resistance I am also rebelling against God’s authority just as the first parents did.  I am beginning to understand this now but still there is a resistance in me to changing this.  I don’t want to be different.  I want to fit in.  I have wanted this all of my life and this is why I have created such an elaborate façade self.  A false sense of who I really am, created in order to avoid the pain I feel at being rejected for my real self. 

Finding my way back there is difficult, especially as I continue to hold on to resistance and act rebelliously.  I want to blame spirits with me for this rebellion and resistance but the truth is that while spirits may influence my behaviour they do so only because I allow it.  I am totally responsible for the effects of the resistance that I am feeling and I need to allow myself to feel what it is that I am gaining through this interaction with spirits and be willing to let that go and allow God in.  I’m not sure if I really want to do that.  Not yet anyway. Why is this? 

As I struggle to come to terms with my injured self I find myself looking for reassurance – a hand to hold – a smile – an encouraging word and I do not yet know how to get that directly from God.  I wish I could understand why this is so and how to change this.  For now all I can do is pray for God’s guidance but in my resistance and rebellion I don’t even feel worthy of that. I feel that as long as I hold on to resistance and rebellion I have no right to ask for God’s help and so I find myself in somewhat of a quandary.  What do I do now?  But if I have faith in a God who is all holy, loving, giving and merciful I have to believe that God will assist me through this rebellious phase as long as I am willing to face the truth and have the courage to accept full responsibility for this situation I now find myself in.  I have to trust that God is on my side and not push Him away as I have been doing.  I need to learn to be truly humble.  I need to learn to trust God completely or I will never become at one with Her (I use the feminine aspect of God here because I feel that it is the feminine that I am resisting the most and have the most difficulty connecting with at this point).

Please God, help me to let go of resistance and control.  Teach me to be truly humble.  Teach me to love myself so that I may be able to love others.

 ...............................

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and still find myself oscillating between resistance and passion and desire.  there is much here for me to learn still.  I hope it is of some assistance to you.

Love

Linda

20.01.13 

Love is all that matters

I knew it had been a while since I had last posted anything but FOUR MONTHS!!!  That's rediculous!!  so here is my new year's resolution - TAKE ACTION!!  So many things have come to me over that time and for whatever reason - fear - unworthiness - I have not posted my thoughts, fears, challenges, reflections.  So I'll start afresh now with this post.  It's short but confronting on many levels.

Something that came to me recently - very challenging to consider.

In Cahos theory the butterfly effect suggests that everything in the universe is connected in very sensitive ways.  This being the case I realized that when I hold on to my anger and fear I am contributing to every conflict, war or violent crime anywhere in the world.  The only way to heal the world is through LOVE and Love and anger can not co-exist.  Love and fear can not co-exist.  In order to heal the world I need to heal my soul.  I need to release all of my anger and rage and I need to confront my fear. Crap!! it was so much easier to cruise along before I had this realization and continue denying my anger and fear.  Time to step up a notch.  If only I could really believe that fear is my friend! Getting better with anger though so that's a start. Note to self - remember this - LOVE is the most powerful force in the universe.  Love is all that really matters.

So the challenge this year is to TAKE ACTION on every level - confront my fear - release my anger and rage - engage my desires.  It's time to stop pretending don't you think?

love

Linda