Why did you make this so hard? There is an ache deep within my soul crying out to be loved and to love my soulmate and at the same time there is a deep shame and fear preventing me from doing so fully and I don’t understand it! I don’t understand what this pain and shame is about and I don’t understand why I am so afraid to face it!.. Can You help me please? I can’t do this alone and right now I feel so very alone and confused and afraid and I don’t know what to do.
I have tried connecting to this emotion but it feels scary and too painful to face. Will I ever be able to make love with my soulmate again without pain or shame? God, I love him so much it hurts and yet I am not able to show him my love fully but still he loves me, still he wants me, still he holds and comforts me and I feel so very unworthy of his love. What is this soulmate love Father? Have I really been privileged enough to have known this one true love for over thirty years God? Why? I feel so fat and unlovable in this body Father and I don’t understand why he would even want to love me! Why do You love me?
This all feels so confusing and I have nowhere to turn. I wish I could understand! I wish I had the courage and willingness to face the truth of this emotion, but I am weary God, and I have no strength or motivation now – it is late and I am tired, confused and doubting everything! I wish I understood!
Where are You Father when I need You? Am I such a lost and hopeless cause that my voice is so weak and distorted in the wilderness that even You do not hear me? I want to understand but deep within me there is a huge resistance to this truth that I am to afraid to go there. Right now I find that I don’t trust You, I can’t trust You and I don’t understand why this is? Can You help me to understand please? Please God, will You hear my cry? Will You answer me? Will You help me?
I can’t sleep – I can’t feel – what am I left to do? Will You help me please? Help me to have the courage and willingness to face the truth of this emotion! What is the truth Father? Will I ever know it? Will I ever be free of this burden? Will I ever understand?
He lies in our bed, asleep now, is he dreaming of me? Dreaming of the love we once new, the love that now seems to be a faint memory? He is everything I aspire to be – loving, gentle, patient, kind, forgiving, clever, sharp and I can’t believe he is mine, and worse, I can’t believe I am testing him like this! What did I do to deserve his love? Will I ever feel worthy of it?
Please God, can You help me face the truth? Will my guides help me?
This letter to God was a continuation on from the War of the Souls that I have published earlier. It highlights how difficult I find this emotional work at times and how difficult I find it to let go of addictions. I have been working on these emotions for months now, on and off, and still find that there is still much to work through around my soulmate relationship and particularly around sexual abuse and shame. All I can do is to continue to pray to God for the courage and willingness to go into the emotions and when they do begin to surface to allow myself to surrender to them rather than to fight which has been my pattern.
And then when I do have the courage to fully face an emotion and I feel God's Love enter my soul I feel the gentleness of God and I know it is all worthwhile.
Shame rising in waves and crashing over me
Walls, strong and resilient, resisting the waves
Fear, overpowering me, blocking the emotions from flowing free
Grief overflowing, beckoning me into my cave
Falling deeper and deeper into myself
Unlocking the mysteries buried deep within
Grace lifting me up, giving me strength
Unlocking the errors that lie hidden inside
Truth emerging, setting me free
God’s Love filling my soul allowing me
Peace radiating outwards for all to see
God’s gentleness in loving me