From my journal
I am struggling to allow myself to feel into the cause of my shoulder pain and I pray for God’s continued guidance and assistance, but right now I am feeling a bit numb.
This morning I find myself alone again and I am feeling lost. I am beginning to open up my soul to the truth of my relationship with John, my soulmate, and I don’t like what I see! So many addictions have been at play on both parts. For my part I know that I am addicted to the security that this relationship offers; to the idea of John, my soulmate and to the desire, the hope of one day having a real soul to soul relationship, if I can only hang on long enough! I want him to change and I have projected a LOT if demand upon him; I want him to make my life better and I have projected a LOT of neediness upon him; I want things to be done my way and I project anger when they are not; I feel helpless, powerless and overwhelmed most of the time and I need him to reassure and support me; I want to avoid the hard stuff, I want to run and hide when things get difficult!
And now I find myself finally beginning to open up to the responsibility for myself on all levels and I am hugely confronted by the task at hand. I want to fall back into old patterns of running and hiding. I hold onto the error of wanting, no needing to please others, especially my mother in the hope that she will finally approve of me; and in this whole process I am sacrificing myself, sacrificing love. I know this now but the challenge of changing old habits, of letting go of addictions is difficult and for the first time in my life I am beginning to feel some empathy for those who suffer from physical addictions – drugs, alcohol, tobacco, food. For the first time in my life I am beginning to understand what drives these addictions and why people feel they need to escape from reality.
We have all been escaping from the reality of our true selves, our soul, for most of our lives. We have been hiding behind our façade selves, the self we have created in order to survive our environment and hide our pain, the mask we put on in order to make ourselves more presentable, more acceptable to the world. The trouble is that when we begin to allow ourselves to awaken to this truth, the façade is no longer acceptable to the real self and so begins a process of awakening and it is, at first anyway, a painful process as we begin to allow ourselves to open up to the truth of our reality one little piece at a time.
It feels like I am now constructing this giant jigsaw puzzle and I really have no idea what the pieces look like, but as I find the courage to delve deeper into the truth of my existence, face the damage in my soul and take full responsibility for my soul condition then, bit by bit, God’s Love begins to reveal the hidden pieces of my true self, my soul and a new picture is created. One based upon love and truth instead of façade, illusion and pretense and these pieces are unlike anything I have seen or experienced before. And I now find myself in a place where I am unwilling to compromise this process because I am excited by the little bits that are being revealed and the way they now play out in my life and I want to know what the whole picture looks like – I want to know the real me, the me that God created and who She alone sees. And so I find myself at a crossroads knowing which way I want to go but wondering if I really have the courage to walk a different path, a path supported by God and my Celestial Guides but as yet still at odds with the world in general and my family’s view of how my life should be.
I have no idea what lies ahead, I can not yet see the big picture for mostly I am still fumbling and stuck on working out this one tiny part that I am currently working on. I just know that I can not continue in the old patterns and addictions of the past – I want more! I want to know the real me. I want to discover what my soul is passionate about, the things that bring me and others joy. I want to live a life of passion and desire in all aspects of my life. I want to learn how to truly live and laugh and love – every day, not just occasionally but every day.
Dare I hope that this is possible for me? Do I really have the courage to confront each and every one of my own addictions and face up to and own the truth of their creation within me? I honestly do not know, but I do know that I have to try and that with God’s help anything is possible, even the transformation of a dark and broken soul.
My hope, my prayer, is that as I begin to heal my soul and erase the dark corners of my hidden self, my real self, I will begin to grow in love and my soul will begin to shine making it irresistible to the other half of me, my soulmate and that together we will discover our true passions and desires, our true purpose in life, our hidden talents and our uniqueness so that we may serve the world through love and desire and in so doing experience a joy and bliss in every moment that as yet we find difficult to conceive of, yet alone imagine the possibilities of.
With God anything is possible, even the recreation of a lost and broken soul.
I wrote this poem a while ago but it fits well with what I am currently experiencding so I have included it here
Lost little pieces of my soul
No longer whole.
Overwhelmed and confused
Doubting God’s loving plan
Wanting to heal
Not sure if I can.
Who am I? I no longer know
Trying to piece together
The little broken bits of my soul.
Praying for guidance
For the courage to see
How these little broken bits
Come together to form me.
But the pieces are small
Shattered and scattered
Making no sense at all.
How do I mend my broken soul
When pain and anguish have taken their toll?
Who will guide me?
Whom do I trust?
For God’s Mercy and Love
My soul does lust!
But it seems that God is far away
From this confused, lonely child
Who has lost her way.
Dare I ask for help,
For guidance from above?
Will God hear my plea
And fill my soul with love?
Lost little pieces of my broken soul
Gradually being recovered through faith and trust
And tenderly restored with love and truth.
Through anger, fear and grief I find
The lost little pieces of my broken soul
Coming together to make me whole.
Guided by faith and trust and love
I find God’s Grace and Mercy
Gradually healing my broken soul.
How can I thank You
For Your patience and understanding
For Your soft, gently touch,
For never being demanding?
You patiently wait for me
To have the courage and willingness to see
That I alone can find my way
Through the broken pieces
And the foggy haze
To the truth of my broken soul
Before You can begin to make me whole.
Your love is waiting for each of us
To have the courage to learn to trust
To face the secrets of our youth
And find the willingness to face the truth.
Your love does transform my broken soul
Healing my pain, making me whole.