Resistance and Rebellion

Resistance serves no useful purpose.  Resistance is avoidance.  Resistance is very unloving, both to yourself and to the universe.  I am coming to understand this after having been in resistance to my emotions and God’s Truth for the past couple of weeks.  This past week I have been feeling awful!  Lifeless.  Achy. Unmotivated. And cycling through phases of intense heat and at times cold – in other words I have been avoiding large amounts of anger, rage and fear and I have been paying the price for it. 

Why? 

The only answer I can come up with right now is to realize just how little love I have for myself.  Perhaps this even borders on self-loathing! Again I have to ask - Why?  And I am afraid to find out the answers.  I must be, otherwise I would succumb to the emotions, trusting in God’s Love and allow the emotions to show me the truth.  But I have not been doing that.  Fear! Fear of the truth.  Fear of the anger and rage that is within my soul. Fear of other people’s judgement and condemnation because I choose to be different, I choose to make some sort of effort to uncover the real me.  Fear of my own judgement and condemnation – ‘this feels ridiculous’; ‘I hate anger’; ‘anger serves no useful purpose’. None of this is helpful.  In fact it is all down right harmful – both to my soul and to the environment and those around me. 

How little I know about love.  How little I choose to engage in the process of love and discovering the healing power of love.

So I wanted to understand more fully this thing called Resistance. Dictionary.com describes resistance as the act or power of resisting, opposing, or withstanding or in Psychiatry it is the opposition to an attempt to bring repressed thoughts or feelings into consciousness. This is exactly what I have been doing. Opposing any attempts to bring repressed thoughts or feelings into consciousness – opposing God’s Love and laws and withstanding any attempts on my part to uncover my hidden self.  The question is WHY?

Oxford dictionary describes resistance as the refusal to accept or comply with something: So I can only assume that when I am in resistance to God’s Truth and Love I am refusing to accept God’s Truth and refusing to comply with God’s Laws. And this is what is causing me this pain and discomfort and draining me of energy. It has taken a bit to recognize this and to acknowledge to myself that I still have a HUGE resistance to authority. In recognizing this I have begun to challenge this resistance very simply by attempting to obey ALL road rules.  It has been an interesting experiment as I drive along in 60km zones which could quite safely be 70km or even 80km zones or in a 40km zone where it feels painful to be going that slow and feel the anger rising within me (most often as subtly as mild frustration) and the projections of anger from those behind me.

Resistance is also a form of rebellion the action or process of resisting authority, control, or convention: also opposition to authority; being unwilling to obey rules or accept normal standards of behaviour, dress, etc. So when I am in resistance I am also rebelling against God’s authority just as the first parents did.  I am beginning to understand this now but still there is a resistance in me to changing this.  I don’t want to be different.  I want to fit in.  I have wanted this all of my life and this is why I have created such an elaborate façade self.  A false sense of who I really am, created in order to avoid the pain I feel at being rejected for my real self. 

Finding my way back there is difficult, especially as I continue to hold on to resistance and act rebelliously.  I want to blame spirits with me for this rebellion and resistance but the truth is that while spirits may influence my behaviour they do so only because I allow it.  I am totally responsible for the effects of the resistance that I am feeling and I need to allow myself to feel what it is that I am gaining through this interaction with spirits and be willing to let that go and allow God in.  I’m not sure if I really want to do that.  Not yet anyway. Why is this? 

As I struggle to come to terms with my injured self I find myself looking for reassurance – a hand to hold – a smile – an encouraging word and I do not yet know how to get that directly from God.  I wish I could understand why this is so and how to change this.  For now all I can do is pray for God’s guidance but in my resistance and rebellion I don’t even feel worthy of that. I feel that as long as I hold on to resistance and rebellion I have no right to ask for God’s help and so I find myself in somewhat of a quandary.  What do I do now?  But if I have faith in a God who is all holy, loving, giving and merciful I have to believe that God will assist me through this rebellious phase as long as I am willing to face the truth and have the courage to accept full responsibility for this situation I now find myself in.  I have to trust that God is on my side and not push Him away as I have been doing.  I need to learn to be truly humble.  I need to learn to trust God completely or I will never become at one with Her (I use the feminine aspect of God here because I feel that it is the feminine that I am resisting the most and have the most difficulty connecting with at this point).

Please God, help me to let go of resistance and control.  Teach me to be truly humble.  Teach me to love myself so that I may be able to love others.

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I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and still find myself oscillating between resistance and passion and desire.  there is much here for me to learn still.  I hope it is of some assistance to you.

Love

Linda

20.01.13