There are times when I feel myself resisting my emotions, not wanting to go into the fear and deep grief that has taken a hold of my soul for fear of what might be revealed about me. I feel overwhelmed. This entry is taken from my journal on Monday 24th and Thursday 27th January 2011. It hilights the constant struggle that this emotional work can be but also the rewards that are received by way of clear memories and most importantly by God's Love flowing into the soul as an error is lifted. I often find it helpful to write my letters to God with my left hand when I am stuck. It helps me to revert to the hurt little girl quickly and I find it easier to connect to God and my emotions this way.
I’m tired and my body aches. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I punish myself so?
I feel terrible and yet I resist going into the grief that I know is just below the surface. My body, heart and soul are aching. I feel empty and powerless – abandoned and stranded!! I know it is all an illusion and yet I seem powerless to shatter the illusion, and that in itself is also an illusion. I feel alone. I miss my soulmate and wish he was on this path with me. I miss my relationship with God. Right now I have very little faith – I feel empty and shallow and drained. I am resisting and I don’t know why. FEAR! But of what? Why? I know that I can survive painful emotions, terror even and yet there is something stronger inside of me preventing me from trusting God. A need, a huge need to be rescued. A fear that I can’t do this on my own, that God will abandon me too, that I am not worth bothering about. The grief is overwhelming and I find it difficult and painful to breathe. I am afraid. I feel sick. Breathe! Keep breathing!. Breathe! Breathe!
Please help me to understand why I do not want to feel my emotions right now?
Please help me to understand why I do not want to love You fully and why I do not want to love myself?
Please help me to have the courage to see the truth?
Please help me God, please don’t abandon me!
After the last entry I wrote in my left hand to God to ask Him to help me to understand. Almost immediately the emotions came up and I went to my processing room to work through the emotions that were surfacing. I worked through the emotion for an hour or so but did not get through to the completion of the emotion. I was exhausted. The next morning I woke around 8am from a dream with a start. The dream raised so much unworthiness within me. In the dream I was cooking a lamb in the oven, a whole, live lamb. I woke feeling such guilt, terror and deep, deep remorse that I cried and cried for almost three hours. During this time I was taken through several layers of emotion. I had a deep, deep realization of the error of eating meat, deep guilt and remorse for teaching my children this error, a realization that I always knew it was wrong. This is why I have never been able to participate in the killing of any animal. A realization that the Bible does tell us in Genesis that God never intended for us to eat meat, that She created a world where all of Her creatures lived in absolute harmony. A realization that in my heart and soul I knew this to be true but never had the courage to stand up for what I knew to be true for fear of being ridiculed and condemned. A realization of how much fear I have lived my life in – always feeling out of place, as if I did not belong. And then the emotion took me deeper still to the feeling of abandonment when Ada left and a deep fear that God would abandon me also because I do not deserve Her love. A knowing that Ada was with me through this process but I still have more to feel with this emotion and yet I was exhausted, especially as I had had very little sleep the night before. I allowed myself to rest in God’s loving arms before stepping into the business of the day ahead grateful for God's love and support.