This past week has been difficult for me as I settle back into 'normal' life after a beautiful week away. I have been finding it difficult to connect to the deeper, more painful emotions, but on Monday I was able to allow myself to feel deeply into my pain and grief. It was a difficult processing to go through but for over three and a half hours I worked my way through fear, anger, shame, grief as the emotions seemed to cycle through many different paths. I find it challenging and often confusing - always confronting and I am very grateful for the Paryer for Divine Love that Jesus gave to James Padgett (see the Divine Truth web site ) and which I constantly repeat (in part or whole) as I work my way through the errors in my soul. One part of the prayer that I am particularly grateful for is the following - a part that I often reflect upon, especially when I am feeling very overwhelmed, this reflection was written on the fifteenth Feb 2011 but has also been very relevant this past week. I hope it helps.
“Let us never cease to realize that Your Love is waiting for each and all of us and that when we come to You in Faith and earnest aspiration Your Love will never be withheld from us….”
When I am stuck in my pain and confusion I often forget that God’s love is waiting for me and that all I have to do is to ask! This I feel is a self-punishment action and I am working on letting this go and on opening up my soul fully to God’s Love and Grace in my life.
I find that I am often questioning God about how earnest I need to be in order for this error to be lifted from my soul? Usually I am reminded that the extent of the grief that I am feeling is relative to the pain that I have experienced and that I have held onto as a result of this emotion and that in order to ‘let it go’ I need to experience it fully. Sometimes this means crying for several hours or days over weeks or even months.
I often find myself questioning my faith – asking myself “am I good enough?” This too is a self-punishing emotion and once this awareness surfaces I can usually surrender then to God’s Love as I pray for forgiveness of my doubt and for the courage to feel the grief of my unworthiness fully.
One of the hardest emotions I am finding to work through is shame and I am noticing that as I work my way through some very painful emotions shame is surfacing more and more. this poem came to me as I worked my way through some shame based emotions.
Anger coursing through my veins
Controlling my every thought and deed
Sometimes bubbling into rage
More often disguised as being peeved
It is a relief to express this part of me
To express my anger and set my soul free
Shame washing over me
Heat rising within the very core of my being
Nowhere to hide
It is all consuming
Shame permeating the very core of my being
Shaping who I become
God’s Laws showing me
The emotions I need to overcome
Shame buried deep within me
Blocking my road to freedom
Repentance creeping into my soul
Acknowledging my anger, my shame
Praying that God will forgive
The deepest, darkest parts of my pain
Praying for forgives
Feeling unworthy of God’s Divine Love
Forgiveness washing over me
Letting me know that I am loved
Forgiveness washing over me
The Father’s Blessings from above
Feeling small and broken
Until the Father’s Love lets me know
That I am wanted. I am Loved.