This letter to God was written a couple of days after I recently began my journey into self-responsibility and God reliance. I had been away from home less than a week and was already feeling the strength of my addictions. I am very grateful for the advice given to me by my guides both then and today, for once again, as I type and re-read this, I realize that it is perfect for where I am at at this moment. I hope it is of help to you also.
I don’t want to do this anymore! I don’t want to face the truth of how unloving I have been in my life! I don’t want to know how much I hate men, how much anger I have within my soul about the way I have been treated by men in the past. I don’t want to know how unloving I have been! I don’t want to feel all the guilt and shame that I feel about how I have used John as a comfort blanket to make me feel better about myself. I am afraid that if I let him go I will sink into the dark abyss of despair that is in my soul and I will not have the courage or the strength to find my way back to me! I don’t even know who that is anymore God! I am not sure that I ever knew.
I feel lost, alone, confused and jaded in this whole process. I don’t recognize when I am in my body or not. I have trouble recognizing love. I crave reassurance. It is like a drug and without it I can not survive. I need someone to tell me that I am ok, that I am lovable, that I am worthwhile.
I want to run back home to John’s loving embrace, to the comfort and reassurance that I know he will give me. But if I do that I will have failed. It will be yet another quick fix to make me feel better and if I do that I will be placing a very unloving demand upon him. I don’t want to do that anymore God! I don’t want to live in a relationship full of addiction and avoidance. I have caused him enough pain. I have pushed him away enough.
But I am lost God! I feel all of this turmoil in my soul and I don’t understand it. I want someone to rescue me! I feel that I cannot do this alone and I need help but I do not know where to turn. I don’t feel my guides with me anymore God. Why have I turned them away? I feel so inadequate, so small, so broken, so false! How do I heal this part of me God?
Will I ever have the courage to face the truth? To let You in? To trust love?
Why don’t I want to trust love God? What is love? Who am I? Where am I? Please help me! Show me what to do! Can I please ask for some help? Can I please ask for some guidance and for the humility to take direction and the willingness to be open to the truth?
How do I succumb to the grief around the truth without beating myself up about it? How do I learn to be gentle and loving with myself? How do I learn to trust the truth? How do I learn to forgive myself?
But where is God? Why don’t I feel Her?
God is watching and waiting for you to open your heart and soul to Her. She wants to comfort you but you keep putting up blocks. You keep running away.
How do I stop running away?
Allow yourself to feel the fear and the pain without judgement or expectation. Allow the emotion to flow. Allow the emotion to reveal the truth. Do not judge it, do not try to pre-empt it, just allow it.
How do I let go of judgement?
Feel what it is like to feel judged. Feel what your own judgement had done to others. Just feel it, without question, without judgement, just acceptance. And when it is done, when the emotion is spent, feel the relief. Do not judge it, do not question it, just feel it. Accept it.
You are making this much harder than it needs to be. Relax into the process more. Trust the process. Trust God. Trust yourself and trust us. We are always with you waiting for an opportunity to assist you and that comes through love. Do not be so hard on yourself. Trust and allow the process. Love yourself even in your error for when you recognize and release the error another part of the real you is revealed, the real you who is beautiful, the real you who others sometimes see. Trust this. Love yourself and then you will find it much easier to love others.
You don’t have to do it all in one go. It takes time and patience. Be patient with yourself. You are all beginning on a remarkable journey, one that has not been followed on earth for nearly 2000 years and even then was only done successfully by one man. He guides you now. Listen to him, learn from him, trust him, but mostly be patient with yourself. This is not a race. It is not a competition but rather an opportunity that you have chosen to accept. Do not worry about time, you are too caught up in time. Time is an illusion and it can be a trap. Live each moment as it presents yourself. Do not skip over moments, this is an error in you that will take much practice to overcome. Learn to be present in every moment, every aspect of every moment. Meditate more and in the stillness notice everything without judgement. Learn to be present and go from there. There are no shortcuts but you can prolong your journey through arrogance, impatience and judgement.
Learn to be humble, to be present.
We will help you.
We love you very much.
Peter and others