Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Reflections on Desire

  I knew it had been some time since I had last posted but didnt realize just how long.  I guess the main reason is that in the past few months I have been in a lot of resistance to some pretty big emotions that have been coming up for me.  One of these has been on desire.  I am still finding it difficult to determine what my true soul desires are and have been experementing wtih stepping into desire without addiction.  One way that is helping me to do this is belonging to some of the Learning Teams of the God's Way of Love Organization.  Perhaps the one I have the greatest afinity with at the monent is the Community Team.  Recently our Team Leader, Karen, sent out some information that was shared at a Leaders meeting and asked us to reflect upon this statement from Jesus.  I have posted my reply below.  I found that this task set by Karen brought up a lot for me and soon (I promise) I will post the second part of my reflections.  I hope that this post helps you to come up with your own reflections and perhaps gain a deeper insight into yout own soul as well.                                                                                                                                            

There are so many things you can be passionate about; but what we’ve got to do is we’ve got to feel the passion, and once we feel that passion and engage it … say to your whole team ‘next week we are going to do this because I’m passionate about it, I’m doing it’.  And do it because you like to do it. You want to give the service to others; but do it because you love doing it.  Don’t do it if you don’t love doing it”.   Jesus at a Team Leaders meeting.

What does this statement bring up for me?

Q.1.       What am I really passionate about in my life right now?

A.     Understanding God’s Truth and Love and learning to become more loving in every aspect of my life.

B.     Learning about God’s environment and the gifts She has given us and learning how to live in harmony with God’s environment.

C.     Learning how to be of service to others in a loving way while letting go of demand and addiction.

D.     Learning to communicate through the written word.

Q.2.       How am I living or demonstrating that passion in my life right now?

A.     Listening to and learning from Jesus and Mary in multiple formats (DVDs, book club, mediumship, The Padgett Messages, The Judas Messages, Interviews).  Talking to God daily and aiming to have a greater connection with God and my guides.  Striving to be humble to all of my emotions.  Learning to understand my real self – feeling my errors and recognizing unloving behaviour in myself (not always at the time of the error but often upon later reflection).  Striving to put real love into practice in my daily life (not always successfully).  Regular reflection upon my soul’s condition and desires and how love and error are evident in my life and taking steps to rectify the error.

B.     Learning to grow things (veggies, herbs, trees) and investigating different plants and garden formats and layouts and desiring to create God’s garden at home through diversity and creating eco systems and habitats for all of God’s creatures (a project as yet in its infancy).  Learning from Permaculture tapes and lectures and researching methods of caring for the environment in a sustainable way.

C.     Writing a blog about my journey towards love helps me to overcome my fear of judgement and condemnation.  Producing a booklet that may be of service to those who are nearing death and the transition into spirit. Stepping into the desire to spend time with people who are dying as an act of love and service and learning to serve them as they desire to be served and not as I think they should be served.  Compiling the written teachings of Jesus into booklet format with the aim of making this freely available to anyone who wishes a copy. Growing my desire to learn about loving governance and correction.  Being a member of the Community Team.  Picking up rubbish as I pass it and aiming to leave public places more beautiful than when I got there.

D.     Most of the points for C as well as investigating creative writing courses with a view to participate in such.


Q.3.       What prevents me from fully engaging that passion and desire right now?  What am I afraid of?

For all of the above the answer is fear – fear of judgement is perhaps the biggest one along with fear of making a mistake.  Fear of being different / fear of being ostracized / fear of wasting my time and money / fear that I will not like or be disappointed with the outcome / fear of harming people or the environment in the process / fear of my physical limitations and not being able to complete the project or overcome these limitations in the process / fear of being ridiculed.

Q.4.       Why does this cause fear?

For all of the above – past experience has shown me that I am not allowed to be different – I am not allowed to be myself, I must conform or I will be punished.  If I follow any desire which is at odds with the group collective I will trigger fear / doubt / confusion / inadequacy / inferiority in others and in order to avoid these feelings they retaliate with power and force to make me feel small and doubt myself – and I believe them!  I believe that I am unworthy of following my desires , of even having my own desires which may not be in harmony with the group collective and when I doubt myself I am weak and powerless and easy to control.

As a result of these false beliefs I have spent a lifetime manipulating myself and modifying my desires in order to please others and avoid the pain of judgement / condemnation / criticism to the point of now being unsure of what MY true desires and passions are.  I am in the process of discovering the truth of my own desires and my true self and I find a growing desire inside of myself to know my real self and so I find myself gingerly testing the waters of desire, sometimes falling flat on my face in shame and confusion.  The challenge however, is to pick myself up at these times , feel into the truth of the situation and try again.  If I give up every time I ‘fail’ at something or when my desire brings pain instead of pleasure I will never know my real self.

So now I am learning to ask myself every time I ‘fail’ “where was I out of harmony with love and truth in this instance?  What is the error in me that caused this pain?”  If I allow myself to feel into the truth of this situation, and am humble to my emotions, the next time I step into this desire the results will be different from the previous experience and I will soon uncover my real passions and desires.  But I must be willing to keep experimenting with my desires and be open to learning from God.
There is still much that I have to learn about myself and about God'd Love and Truth but each day is a journey towards love and it is my greatest desire to know God and know myself.  I hope that by sharing in this journey with me you too might glean something benificial for your own journey towards Love.
With much love

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