Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Reflections on Futility

This is part two of the challenge that Karen presented members of the Community team with. 

Reflect upon futility.  There’s a whole world full of fences and not many people are wanting to take them down – metaphorically and literally.”

What fences do I still have around my heart and what is preventing me from pulling these down?

When I reflected upon this I immediately saw a picture of a twisted, tangled mess of barbed wire around my heart – some old and rusty strands tangled in with others which were relatively new.  Some barbs I have been holding onto since childhood while others have recently been tangled into the mess of twisted confusion, fear and doubt.  First I must cut away the newer fences in order to access the older more painful barbs some of which dig into my heart causing it to bleed.  But true healing can only begin when I have the courage to grab the pliars and gently cut away and untangle the barbs one layer at a time, allowing the scratches and deeper wounds to heal slowly and completely.  If I were to pull fiercely at the tangled mess I would in all likelihood create great pain and distress.  The more loving approach is to remove the barbs slowly and completely, one at a time.  It is a slow process which requires patience, compassion and self-love without judgement.  Sometimes it will all seem too much for me and I will, and have, backed away in fear; but fear prevents me from moving forward so I must learn to trust and step into the fear having faith that God is guiding me in this process and helping me as much as I will allow Him to do so.  If I can apply this same process to the fences of the world I will come to understand that true change at a soul level is governed by love and truth and happens in stages – one step at a time.  I must be patient and be willing to remove my own fences, the barriers that I have to being more loving in my life.  I must learn to BE the change I want to see in the world as Ghandi taught and operate quietly in the background seeking neither approval nor recognition, but merely desiring to serve my brothers and sisters in love and truth and humility. I must remember that we are all on a unique journey and that God waits patiently for us to come to Him and never imposes His will upon us.  I must strive to become more God-like, anything else now seem futile.

Am I fully engaged in my passions and desires?

The short answer is NO and I can justify this until the cows come home but the truth is that I am not fully engaging my passions and desires because of fear – fear of making a mistake, fear of judgement, fear of condemnation, fear of being different.  But I am slowly allowing these passions and desires to gestate within my soul and feel that many are now preparing to be birthed in all of their glory and passion and in a way that will allow me to lovingly serve others and God using the gifts that He has given me.  I am now tentatively taking the first steps of desire, exploring my own soul, making mistakes and learning from these and then trying again in a more loving way.  I am finally beginning to learn what it means to allow God to teach me, and desiring to learn and uncover and grow these gifts that God has given me.

Do I want to develop my passions and desires in harmony with God’s Laws, Love and Truth and open my soul to learning from God?

Absolutely!  I have tried the other way – the path of self-reliance – the path of arrogance, wanting approval and recognition and it does not work – it is not sustainable because it is not loving either to myself or to others so now I find myself turning to God and wanting to learn to live God’s way, wanting to learn to love – myself and others.

Reflections on some Bible passage
1 John 2:15-17 …if any man love the world the love of the Father is not in him …

If I place greater priority upon the creation rather than the Creator I automatically limit myself.  This has been my path in the past – a path of self-reliance, not involving God much in the process and not trusting that God is a God if love and it has been a very limiting and debilitating path.  I am now choosing the path of God-reliance which being much harder is infinitely more rewarding.

1 Corinthians 9:19-23 … I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view … I didn’t just want to talk about it, I wanted to be in on it …

When I let go of judgement and allow myself to experience things from a different perspective it will open my soul to new experiences and new truths.  I am only just beginning to understand this.  There have been so many times in my past when God has provided me with opportunities to enter the world of another and experience things from their point of view but my own arrogance and fear has prevented me from doing this – I chose self-reliance and self-justification over the opportunities that God was giving me and in so doing I have limited my growth and created more pain in my soul and the souls of others, the full force of which I must now feel and be repentant about if I am to truly heal my own soul and help to open the souls of others whom I have harmed to the potential of healing as well. Why then do I now expect that now that I have got it – at least intellectually – that others should get it as well.  This is the height of arrogance and exposes in me great errors uncovering the fears that I have been trying to avoid for most of my life – the fear of being different, fear of rejection, fear of condemnation, fear of judgement, fear of ridicule.  I want to hide and go unnoticed.  But hiding in fear does not allow me to enter a different world and consider a different perspective; it limits my growth and my potential and prevents God from teaching me in a loving way.

There is still so much that I need to learn and chief amongst these is Humility.  I am still very much wanting to control everything about my life and still not trusting that God actually knows everything about me already and if I let go of my arrogance and pride then God will be able to teach me.  Arrogance and pride are such futile emotions and achieve nothing positive, so why then do I still guard them so closely?
Thank you Karen for givine me this opportunity to reflect more deeply upon the fences of my soul and the futile nature of the life I have been living for I realize now that anything other than true God-reliance is futile and limiting and I want to learn to be my true self, to be all that God created me to be - whatever that might be.  Please God, teach me to be truly Humble.
with love

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