This journey towards understanding and living humility is much more challenging that I thought and it is taking longer than I had imagined. I guess that is a good thing. In the midst of the final wedding preparations for my youngest daughter's wedding I am finding that I am easily distracted by earthly things and not taking every opportunity to focus and grow in humility. My reflections on the second interview on humility will follow in the coming days in the meanwhile I would like to share this entry from my journal from this morning as I feel that it fits well here.
Thursday 9th May 2013
This past week has been one of resistance. Everything has been difficult. I have been tired all of the time and not sleeping very well. Lots of fear is coming up when I go to bed at night and it is often well past midnight before I get to sleep. I feel overwhelmed and confused and have been making very poor food choices – not eating vegan and as a result eating foods that I am now finding disagree with me – mostly white bread and dairy which have been my comfort foods. I guess God is showing me that what appears to be short term comfort actually produces long term discomfort. It is just not worth it! And all this is occurring I the midst of a two month focus on humility! It is showing me that I am not yet very humble and that I do not yet trust God fully. And I am paying the price for this!
There have been many opportunities to welcome humility in the past couple of weeks, some of which I have embraced, many of which I have brushed aside. And I am realizing over and over again just how far away I feel from God on a moment by moment basis.
But then, in the midst of my denial and avoidance there have been some precious moments of connection - both with God and with my ever-patient soulmate.
And this is what keeps me going.
It is as if God is reaching out a hand and touching my heart and saying “I’m still here – do not give up”.
I am so very grateful for these moments of connection, however fleeting they may be, because they remind me of God’s unwavering Love and bring me back to myself. Without these precious moments of connection it would be all too easy to give up and go back to a life of avoidance and addiction, of blindness and error.
But these moments are so powerful and moving and it is as if I can hear God saying “Don’t give up. I am here with you every step of the way. I will never leave you. You are not alone. Have faith and you will find your way back to Me. I will help you clear away all of the muck and debris that blocks your path home. Trust this. Do not give up. The road back is fraught with danger while the road ahead might be bumpy, and at times seem overwhelming, it is the only way home and you must have faith and courage and forge ahead. I am waiting to show you My Kingdom. I am walking beside you every step of the way. Turn to Me when in doubt and I will find a way to help you. Trust this. Trust Me. I love you – you are my precious child and you are only just beginning to tap into and understand the depth of My Love for you. Don’t give up. Stay the course and your rewards will be great. Trust this. Trust My Love for you. I am here with you. Always.”
As I write this I can feel my heart opening and tears are flowing as the warmth of the autumn sun caresses my back and the cool autumn breeze kisses my face. This has come through me and not from me and I am grateful. I know that God is real and that She is kind, patient, loving and persistent. She does not judge, she just observes and waits and Loves. And I realize that these are qualities that are still so foreign to me that I find myself longing to be like God in these qualities. Far too often I find myself becoming impatient, judging or criticizing myself or others or just giving up temporarily because it all seems too hard.
And it is hard because I do not yet fully trust God in this process. And because I am not yet humble enough to simply embrace what God is trying to teach me without question. I find that I still question everything - I still look for an easier way out. I still look for that ever elusive fast forward button – and there is none! There is only here and now - this moment. My challenge it to learn to embrace every moment and to be fully present in my life. To learn to catch myself drifting away without judgement or criticism and have empathy and compassion for my injured self – without excuses! I need to let go of despair and doubt and embrace humility more fully and completely. I need to grow in faith and hope that God’s Love can and will transform my soul if I will allow it.
I pray for more moments of deep connection to light my path.
Where would I be without God in my life? What would my life look like? I can only imagine the answers to these questions. So, for me now the only way forward is with God.
Please Mother teach me to trust. Teach me to embrace fully every opportunity that You give me to grow in humility and love. Please Father, help me to overcome the obstacles that prevent Your Love from transforming my soul into a divine child of God. Teach me to love.