I have been going over my workbooks for the past year or so and came across the following entry which very much fits with what I am feeling at the moment so I am sharing it here now also in the hope that rewriting it might help me to have the courage to face the deeper emotion that I am right now resisting.
The war of the souls
There is a war raging inside of me, a war that I have little hope of understanding, let alone quelling and it is a war for my soul. The more I read, the more I listen, the more I discus with others is the more I become confused. What is real? What are these feelings rising within me and what do they mean? I wish I understood! Where is God in all of my torment and confusion? Yet, only I alone can answer the very questions that vex me! I, who knows so little, yet longs for so much, hold the key to my own salvation - if only I knew where to find it!! If only I would have the patience and persistence to sift through the debris and keep sifting until I find it!
There is a huge longing in my soul to know God and to know and understand His Laws and the depth of His love, and yet there is such a huge resistance within me to that longing. A fear that I can not explain, that I do not understand. At times this fear is so overpowering that I give in to it and I retreat from my longings, from my searching. Why?
I can not say, but I know that this constant struggle between desire and resistance is wearing me down. At times a sense of hopelessness engulfs me. It all seems too hard and I begin to doubt myself, to doubt even God! Then the horror of that doubt takes over and I cringe when I think how little faith I have, how little trust I have and I despair of ever understanding.
Why is it that I keep myself on this roller-coaster ride? Why do I keep participating in this tug-o-war for my soul? For it is only I who directs my soul, I who makes these choices that I do not understand. Do I have so little love for myself that I would keep myself in constant turmoil? Will I ever understand what it is to love unconditionally - Myself? God? My brothers and sisters?
Where are You God in all of my struggles? Jesus said "seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open unto you, ask and you will receive" and yet in all of my seeking, banging (for I am too impatient to knock politely) and asking I struggle to hear Your response Father, I can not find the key to unlock the door. But in all of my confusion and torment I will not give up, I will continue to knock, to seek, and to ask for Your guidance and support for I believe in Your Justice and Your Mercy. My soul is mine alone and only I, along with my soulmate and God can have any say in its growth and development.
I feel like I am drowning, drowning in self-pity and doubt and at times I fear that the others are winning, but I won't let that happen. I have faith in God and hope in His mercy, but right now I am in need of a guiding light, in need of a helping hand but from whence will it come?
I am tired God, tired of running away. Tired of struggling, always struggling! How can I change this? Is there anyone who understands, really understands? Why do I feel so alone and useless? These feelings that I have, are they longings or is it just a huge neediness inside of me that I need to let go of? Will anyone help me or am I compelled to walk this path alone?
I feel alone God. Alone and Lonely! Confused and frightened! Whom can I trust?
I do not want to keep dipping in and out God. Won't You please help me to have the courage and the willingness to brave the deepest, darkest depths of my soul? I can't go there alone Father and only You can help me. Only You can be my guide, and yet, without courage and the willingness to go there my efforts will be in vain! Won't You help me please? Help me to find the courage to face the darkest depths of my soul?
Grief engulfs me now and tears stream from my eyes, my nose drips and the flood gates open. I surrender to the grief. I don't know where it will take me, and I am not even sure that I care, I just want to free my soul of its burden in the hope that in doing so I will learn to love, really love, to love unconditionally God, myself, my soulmate, my brothers and sisters.
Take me Father for I am Yours and Yours alone. Shield me. Protect me. Guide me. Love me.
Where is she God in all of this, the little girl, where is she? Where is the one who hides in the corner alone and frightened? Whose pain does she share - her mother's? her father's? her ancestors? her own? She feels alone Father, alone and frightened, so little and so fragile, so afraid and confused and she is turning inward. Looking for a sanctuary deep within her being, somewhere to hide, someone to trust. But there is no one and she feels alone, totally alone, and there is no one to trust so she goes deeper and deeper within. Hoping to escape her agony. Hoping to find solace in the depths of her soul, for she doesn't know where to turn, she doesn't know who to trust for in the past whenever she had trusted anyone in her few short years, she has been disappointed, hurt, abandoned and abused. They tried to crush her spirit but they will not succeed for there is a strength within her that she is beginning to understand that she possesses. So she turns inwards to herself and to God for only God could possible understand her pain, her agony, her loneliness.
Deeper and deeper she goes to that place that only she and God can reach. To that place where her secrets are safe, for she knows that God will not betray her as others have done. God is her friend, her only true friend. The grief is deep now as she begins to remember her torment, the secrets she has kept so deeply hidden, buried beneath a bold, cheeky exterior that was cleverly constructed to hide her pain, the pain that only God bore witness to. She learns to become bold, brash and cheeky taking what she needs to comfort her soul. Lashing out in anger at any who try to comfort her. She begins to build a wall around her for her protection but in her haste there are gaps where a little light can shine through.
God has not abandoned her and the gaps in the wall allow glimpses of God's mercy and goodness to shine through, but she is relentless in her desire to protect herself. She doesn't want anyone to know her secrets, she wants and needs to be able to hide, to be safe, to feel loved. No one notices the wall that she so cleverly constructs around herself and they ignore her pain and anguish, too deeply caught in their own loveless traps to notice a little girl in pain and confusion. Too hurt themselves to even try to understand. There is only God. God alone can help her and she clings to that knowledge, that ray of hope. She will never give in. They will not defeat her. Her soul belongs to her and to God alone.
So where are You now God when I need You? Do not abandon me in my anguish. Lift this burden from my soul that I might begin to know what it is to love, to truly love all as You love me.
Teach me compassion. Teach me forgivness. Teach me mercy. Teach me to Love.
I surrender now and allow myself to feel into my grief for I do not know how long. I feel my soul giving in to God's grace and mercy and I feel a sense of peace engulf me so completely as to collapse from exhaustion into the comforting arms of God and I allow myself to rest there a while to revive my weary but joyful soul and then I remember, if only a little, the goodness and mercy of God's loving embrace.
There is still so much that I have yet to understand, so many treacherous paths to cross, but with each new crossing I gain a strength of purpose and fan the desire deep within my soul to learn to love without condition or favour and I gain a newfound hope that this task is not yet impossible.