Then I met AJ Miller, a man claiming to be Jesus of the first century. And I began to question everything I thought I knew about God. The bible teaches us that God created Man in His image. If this is a truth and God created both male and female, would it not then stand to reason that God must also have both masculine and feminine qualities? Could it be that God is both my Mother and my Father?
If I allow myself to feel God’s truth on this matter I can see that there are distinct differences between the masculine and feminine qualities of Mankind. Surely then this would indicate that God, the Supreme Creator of all that is, would also have distinct masculine and feminine qualities? If not how would He know what the feminine was?
I feel that this is the truth but I struggle to connect to my Mother God. Why is this?
In an attempt to connect more fully with my Mother God I have again listened to the talk on “Emotions and the Mother Taboo” . At around 51mins into the talk AJ shared this statement “When you suppress anger what finishes up happening is called resentment … if you are a woman suppressing anger towards mother you’re going to end up resenting yourself as a woman as well as resenting your mother. It is the same if you are a man suppressing your anger towards your father.” And I had to accept the truth that I do indeed resent myself as a woman. I do not yet know how to love myself as a woman, warts and all.
Unless I am willing to face the truth of these emotions in my soul I will never be able to fully connect to my Mother God. I have been praying about this a lot lately and finally found the courage to write honestly about how I feel about the feminine. It has taken me three and a half years to get to this point (I’m a bit stubborn and a low learner)! This is an exercise I would encourage everyone to do – both towards the feminine and the masculine. I will not share the list with you here as it is long – a couple of pages – but I will share how I came up with the list.
After praying to God to show me the truth about how I feel about the feminine I wrote whatever came to mind about women – every woman I have ever had a negative encounter with – my mother, teachers, nuns, acquaintances, friends, sisters, colleagues, shop assistants – and rolled them all into one ‘she’. I included everything I could remember from when I felt hurt or betrayed by a woman (and I’m sure there are more still to be included). This has been a very cathartic experience and has brought up a lot of anger, rage and grief for me to feel into. As I was feeling into some aspects of my ‘list’ I began to realize that I myself have some of these traits that have caused me so much pain and that I too have inflicted pain upon others because of these unhealed errors in my soul – more grief, remorse and shame flowed! Unfortunately the objects of this pain has all too often been our children. I asked God these questions - How could I do this to them? Why did I do this to them?
And this is what I realized about myself:
I didn’t want to feel powerless. I wanted to feel in control.
I wanted to be respected – not brushed aside.
I wanted to be listened to – not ignored.
I didn’t want to feel how out of control my life felt – how powerless I felt. I wanted to feel powerful.
I wanted to be noticed – not ignored.
At times I allowed anger to take control. I didn’t care about the children in these instances, about how they felt – I only wanted to avoid my pain. I was like the devil incarnated. I wanted to punish them for my weaknesses and fears. I didn’t even care or think about how my rage would affect them – I just wanted some sort of control in a life that I felt I had no control over.
I wanted respect but went about gaining it the wrong way – no one ever respects a person who threatens and uses violence to get what they want. Only fear responds in a façade of respect. This is NOT Love! I used a weapon against my own children – how could this possibly be love? It is NOT. It is REVENGE!!! I wanted revenge on my parents and on the priests and nuns and teachers who instilled fear in me but they were out of my reach so I took out my revenge upon my own children – innocent souls entrusted to me by God and I abused that trust because I wanted to avoid feeling powerless. I wanted to avoid feeling unloved.
So much shame, remorse and grief needed to be experienced in order to even receive these truths from my guides and I am grateful for their assistance. I pray that my children can forgive me. I pray that I can learn to forgive myself. I am struggling with this. As I worked my way through this one of my guides – Peter taught me about forgiveness. I will post his message in the next couple of days as this is already a long post.
My prayer is that we will all have the courage and the willingness to begin this process of healing through Truth and Love. It takes courage, determination, persistence, faith and humility and I often find myself resisting the process. Prayer is the only way through it. Humility is what I struggle with most. I have found that I have been under a lot of spirit attack (mostly on my physical body – cuts, burns, rashes, tinea, pain on my left side) since I began this earnest quest to know God’s Truth about the feminine – about my real self – in order to connect more fully with my Mother God. But I know that with God’s Love and guidance I will get through it. I will one day know and understand the feminine aspects of God - my Mother God…. One day!
I wish you well on your own personal journey towards God and healing.