Humility Interview 2 – Practical Aspects of Humility

There has been a lot going on over the past few weeks - my youngest daughter's wedding took precedence and brought with it much that I needed to feel, hence the delay in this next post on Humility.  This is my reflections on the second Interview with Jesus and Mary on Humility. 

In black you will find the notes I took during the talk and in green are my deeper and more personal reflections on those points. I hope this is of some benefit to you in your own journey towards love.

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If you do not feel God's Love flowing into your heart it is a sign that you are not humble or do not have a desire for God's love in that moment. There are times when I feel God's Love flowing into my heart but it is still not a moment by moment basis. At these times this Love is so overwhelming I can't help but cry for the joy of receiving it.

Humility is the cornerstone of the Way to God and we don't need anything else.

This is why it is so important to develop humility.  Through humility I can grow my relationship with God.

Judgement is a form of arrogance.  How am I judging myself? How am I judging others? Lack of judgement is a sign of growing humility.

Judgement is something that I have struggled with a lot but notice that I am becoming much less judgemental of others and of myself but it is my relationship with myself that I still struggle with at times.  It is hard letting go of judgement when you have had a lifetime of judgement projected at you – it almost seems 'normal'.

When I am invested in the opinions of others I am preventing my connection with God.

This is a big one for me and it is challenging learning to let it go.  I have spent most of my life seeking out the approval of others in order to feel some sort of self-worth so to now be challenged to let this go is difficult and very confronting but I want to know my real self so I have to let go of the opinions of others and learn to trust God's opinion of me instead.  It is a work in progress.

God only connects with me as I truly am. She cannot connect with the façade.

I feel that this is the most difficult task I have ever undertaken – to find my real self, buried deep beneath the façade that has been created to hide the pain. But I want this connection with God and it is slowly becoming the greatest desire of my soul – slowly!

Humility = a wholehearted desire to feel all of my emotions as they arise and leads to me making my relationship with God my first priority.  Humility is a passionate burning desire to feel without addiction. When I am truly humble my longing for God will be stronger than my longing for any other experience and I will not be invested in the opinions of others.

I still struggle with this.  There constantly seems to be some manufactured excuse why it is not appropriate to feel my real self in any given situation.  But I am becoming more humble to my real self and I am slowly, very slowly, learning to honour my soul and my relationship with God.

When I avoid being humble I am in that moment worrying more about my relationship with others or myself over my relationship with God. This is still an issue for me but becoming less so. Am I willing to lose everything in order to have this relationship with God? Honestly?  I struggle with this.  My addiction to security and safety and reassurance is still very strong but I am feeling a growing desire to challenge this addiction.

Is my relationship with God my first and highest priority?  Not yet. If not, why not? What is blocking my relationship with God? Fear mostly and I need to challenge this if I am ever to get past this block to my relationship with God.

There can be NO addiction in my relationship with God (addiction is born out of fear and a willingness to avoid my real self and God will only connect with my real self). What is the investment that I have with my errors that block my relationship with God?

If I am honest here I will admit that I still feel that I want or need the approval of others. I want to be liked and respected which indicates that I did not feel liked or respected as a child. There is still much pain here for me to feel especially around the way children were treated in Catholic schools when I was growing up.  Fear was a powerful weapon in gaining submission and control and I still find it difficult to face my fear.  With God's help I will get through this.

When I have a truly passionate desire for God my relationship with God becomes my highest priority and I will be humble in every interaction I have with all of God's creation.

I feel that this is, and will continue to be, a work in progress until I become at one with God.

When I fully embrace my relationship with God every other relationship WILL be challenged. Don't I know it!!!

Humility will never attempt to shut down or reprogram my emotions (doesn’t engage in addictive behaviour).  Humility will engage every situation that will help me connect to God and my real self. I am slowly learning this.

Humility gives up control and embraces life fully (without fear). This is a tough one – giving up control!  In order to avoid my pain I have learnt to control everything around me.  Letting go of control is very challenging but also rewarding because when I do let of of control I am letting God direct  my life and who better to have at the helm than the supreme commander of the universe and all that is? When I am humble I will not try to juggle my life or control every situation, I will allow God to show me the way forward. Letting go of control is HARD!!

When I am humble I will be willing to embrace emotional terror and not try to manage it.

I struggle, struggle, struggle with this and pray for God's assistance.

Humility never gets angry, resentful or blaming of others, the environment or the situation.

When you are humble you will not feel that you have to give up anything.  Do I really have anything without God?

I feel that I am getting better at this – letting go of anger or resentment and allowing myself to feel what is beneath it – most of the time!

Humility has faith that God WILL provide everything that I will ever need.

So to challenge this fear that I have that God won't bother about me, I need to step into the fear and risk everything trusting that I am truly the creates of God's creation, the most wonderful of Her handiwork and the object of Her love and tenderest care.  If God provides everything for all of Her other creatures surely She will provide for me.  Right?  This still feels scary to me at the moment.

When I am humble I will be willing to be as I truly am and to take full responsibility for EVERY aspect of my life.

I feel that I am growing here – slowly.

Humility recognizes that I am the only person who is capable of changing me and when I do this with God's help the process is faster and complete.

When I began this process I found I was constantly wanting to shift the blame, wanting someone else to take responsibility and take away my pain.  I wanted to be rescued. But God does not rescue and I have had to learn to be fully responsible for all the errors that are in my soul no matter how they got there.  It doesn't matter how the errors got into my soul – they are there and I have acted upon them to cause further error – mostly by trying to avoid the pain or cover it up.  So now it is up to me to release the error – no one else can do that for me because no one else fully knows the extent of the error and the pain in my soul.  God can assist with this process but only when I am willing to take full responsibility and acknowledge the extent of the pain within me and the pain I have caused others because of these errors. Humility teaches that I must honour myself – my entire experience. If I am willing to do this I will be willing to feel all of my pain and release it.

Humility acknowledges my own unloving behaviour without minimization or dismissal.

When I am truly humble I will desire with all of my heart to experience the Law of compensation.  I won't avoid acknowledging my own unloving behaviour and I will want to know the full extent of the harm I have caused others (especially my own children). A humble heart is repentant and contrite about their unloving actions.

Repentance is a powerful healer and helps to fast-track the healing process. I have shed many tears for the harm I have caused my children and others due to the errors in my soul and there are many more still to flow.  There is still much resistance to this at times but when I am humble God can assist me in the process and the reward of His love flowing into my soul is worth every tear shed, every pain felt.

Humility is NOT self-punishment.  Self-punishment is a form of arrogance.

Unfortunately the subtleties of self- punishment make it easy to dismiss but I am learning that when I refuse to be humble and allow the full expression of my pain I am punishing myself.  Why?

When I am truly humble I will desire wholeheartedly to feel the causal emotion in me about my unloving behaviour regardless of what that emotion is. When I am truly humble I won't need courage I will just Feel.

Again, I still have a long way to go to be at this point, I still need lots of courage to get me into and through an emotional error and into truth and love.

Humility is a desire to become a trusting child of God again – soft, open, vulnerable, honest and sensitive. This desire is growing.

Humility opens the doorway to Love and Truth – lack of humility blocks your connection with your guides. In order to feel Love you need to be humble and soft.

My connection with my guides is still haphazard at best so I know I have a lot to learn about putting humility into practice.

Questions for Reflection.

1.     Do I tend to justify or minimize anger or rage? Yes – often. I am afraid of anger and often want to avoid it.

2.     Do I have a strong resistance to feeling my fear? Yes – if I didn't I would allow the expression of fear without judgement or trying to control it.  But I am more accepting og allowing the experience of my fear than I am of anger.

3.     Do I use my intellect to tell myself that I am over that now? No.  If anything it is the opposite.  I tend to tell myself that there is still more to go.  I find it hard to accept that God could have healed that part of my soul.

4.     Do I resist seeing the damage that I have done and avoid taking full responsibility for the harm I have caused? I don't think so.  I have a huge desire to learn to love and part of that is taking responsibility for the harm I have caused and correcting that.

5.     Do I want someone to rescue me? Often I do but this is growing less and my desire to take full personal responsibility grows.

Humility opens the door to Truth, Truth opens the door to Divine Love and Divine Love leads to the transformation of the soul.  Must learn to be Humble if we want to become a Divine Child of God.

Humility in Practice - Learning to embrace Every opportunity and God's great Love.

This journey towards understanding and living humility is much more challenging that I thought and it is taking longer than I had imagined.  I guess that is a good thing.  In the midst of the final wedding preparations for my youngest daughter's wedding I am finding that I am easily distracted by earthly things and not taking every opportunity to focus and grow in humility.  My reflections on the second interview on humility will follow in the coming days in the meanwhile I would like to share this entry from my journal from this morning as I feel that it fits well here.

Thursday 9^th May 2013

This past week has been one of resistance.  Everything has been difficult.  I have been tired all of the time and not sleeping very well.  Lots of fear is coming up when I go to bed at night and it is often well past midnight before I get to sleep. I feel overwhelmed and confused and have been making very poor food choices – not eating vegan and as a result eating foods that I am now finding disagree with me – mostly white bread and dairy which have been my comfort foods.  I guess God is showing me that what appears to be short term comfort actually produces long term discomfort. It is just not worth it! And all this is occurring I the midst of a two month focus on humility!  It is showing me that I am not yet very humble and that I do not yet trust God fully. And I am paying the price for this!

There have been many opportunities to welcome humility in the past couple of weeks, some of which I have embraced, many of which I have brushed aside. And I am realizing over and over again just how far away I feel from God on a moment by moment basis.

But then, in the midst of my denial and avoidance there have been some precious moments of connection - both with God and with my ever-patient soulmate.

And this is what keeps me going.

It is as if God is reaching out a hand and touching my heart and saying “I’m still here – do not give up”.

I am so very grateful for these moments of connection, however fleeting they may be, because they remind me of God’s unwavering Love and bring me back to myself.  Without these precious moments of connection it would be all too easy to give up and go back to a life of avoidance and addiction, of blindness and error. 

But these moments are so powerful and moving and it is as if I can hear God saying “Don’t give up. I am here with you every step of the way.  I will never leave you.  You are not alone.  Have faith and you will find your way back to Me. I will help you clear away all of the muck and debris that blocks your path home. Trust this. Do not give up.  The road back is fraught with danger while the road ahead might be bumpy, and at times seem overwhelming, it is the only way home and you must have faith and courage and forge ahead.  I am waiting to show you My Kingdom.  I am walking beside you every step of the way.  Turn to Me when in doubt and I will find a way to help you.  Trust this.  Trust Me. I love you – you are my precious child and you are only just beginning to tap into and understand the depth of My Love for you.  Don’t give up. Stay the course and your rewards will be great.  Trust this.  Trust My Love for you. I am here with you. Always.”

As I write this I can feel my heart opening and tears are flowing as the warmth of the autumn sun caresses my back and the cool autumn breeze kisses my face.  This has come through me and not from me and I am grateful.  I know that God is real and that She is kind, patient, loving and persistent.  She does not judge, she just observes and waits and Loves.  And I realize that these are qualities that are still so foreign to me that I find myself longing to be like God in these qualities. Far too often I find myself becoming impatient, judging or criticizing myself or others or just giving up temporarily because it all seems too hard.

And it is hard because I do not yet fully trust God in this process. And because I am not yet humble enough to simply embrace what God is trying to teach me without question. I find that I still question everything  - I still look for an easier way out.  I still look for that ever elusive fast forward button – and there is none! There is only here and now - this moment. My challenge it to learn to embrace every moment and to be fully present in my life.  To learn to catch myself drifting away without judgement or criticism and have empathy and compassion for my injured self – without excuses!  I need to let go of despair and doubt and embrace humility more fully and completely.  I need to grow in faith and hope that God’s Love can and will transform my soul if I will allow it.

I pray for more moments of deep connection to light my path.

Where would I be without God in my life? What would my life look like? I can only imagine the answers to these questions.  So, for me now the only way forward is with God. 

Please Mother teach me to trust. Teach me to embrace fully every opportunity that You give me to grow in humility and love.  Please Father, help me to overcome the obstacles that prevent Your Love from transforming my soul into a divine child of God. Teach me to love.

Lessons in Humility - session 1

Today (15^th April 2013) I am beginning what will likely become a two month focus on lessons in Humility. 

My plan is to re-listen to each of the five interviews on Humility with Jesus and Mary and allow myself to feel and reflect upon the points that touch my soul.  I plan to listen to one talk each week, however some talks might flow over a couple of week, and pray that I will find the courage and the willingness to fully embrace the lessons in each talk. 

If you would like to join me on this journey I would welcome your thoughts, feelings and insights as we work our way through the talks together. 

Each week I’ll post a link to the relevant talk here and at the end of the week I’ll share my learnings, challenges, revelations and joys as I step more fully into Humility and God reliance.  I don’t expect that this will be a flawless but the intention is there and I’ll do my best to stick to the original plan of one interview each week for five weeks.

Lesson One – AnIntroduction to Humility – 1.04.00hrs

The points in this talk that spoke to me.

1.       Humility is the most essential quality that we can develop in our progression towards God.

Jesus’ definition of humility – a passionate desire to feel and experience all of my emotions, whether they are pleasurable or painful, without blaming or attempting to control my environment in any way.

I am noticing that I still often judge the emotion too much – especially anger – and especially when I am in the company of others. I am allowing fear to dictate most of my life instead of humility.  And when I do have the humility to allow the emotion to surface in the company of others I allow others to shut the emotion down rather than challenge them as to why they do not want me to feel my emotions. I want to fit in – to feel ‘normal’. But what the world considers ‘normal’ is far from God’s definition of normal.  If I had to guess at what God’s definition of ‘normal’ might be I would say that Normal is to live a life of passion and desire where we feel all of our emotions as they arise, without fear of judgement, condemnation or criticism. Normal is to be our true selves, as God created us to be, and to rejoice in our differences and uniqueness.  Instead what I see and feel in this world is a world where we are made to toe the line, to not stand out, to make others feel better about themselves, even at our own expense. And this is not love.  No wonder this world is in such a mess right now.  What we need is more humility and I can begin to impact the world by growing my soul, especially in humility because it is the doorway to God’s Truth and Love.

2.       Humility teaches me that I must learn to submit to my own emotions – not those of others.  It teaches me to desire a clear understanding of my true self as I currently am at this moment.

I still struggle with this.  Who am I really?  Who is the me that God created? Who would I be if I did not have these errors in my soul?  What would my true passions and desires be? What would my life look and feel like?  From a very young age the world has conspired against us and we have been taught to conform to the image that others have of us – to be the person that will cause the least amount of distress to our parents, teachers, community. And in that process we lose our real selves.  I want to find me again – the real me that God created.  To do this I must first grow in humility, then open my soul to God’s Truth so that I might grow in Love and understanding.

3.       Humility allows us to be our true self in each moment without having to think about ourselves in that moment.  It is being comfortable with ourselves as we are and allows interactions based upon feelings and not thoughts. Pre-humility is when we are filtering our emotions through our thoughts.

I feel that I am very much in a state of pre-humility.  I still feel most of the time that I am not allowed to feel what I feel and I find myself constantly monitoring the situation – avoiding – avoiding Truth, avoiding Love – avoiding perceived pain.

4.       Humility is knowing who you are without elevation or deprecation. True humility is a journey towards at-onement with God. We need to allow ourselves to be the injured mess, to know that we have injuries and allow ourselves to be that injured person – not the façade self that we learnt to create in order to avoid the pain that we were not allowed to feel.

Fear prevents full acceptance of my injured self because I don’t like what I see.  I need to learn to break through the fear in order to see God’s truth about me. At the moment I am still very much taking baby steps.  I have faith that change is possible but too often I allow fear to prevent me from accessing the causal grief that will allow my soul to heal.

5.       Humility is a willingness to feel childlike and powerless.  It has a respect for God and God’s Truths

I still struggle with allowing myself to feel powerless and vulnerable all the time. I am challenging myself to follow God’s Laws by firstly challenging myself to follow man’s laws (at least the ones which are made in some sort of love) – stopping at stop signs that don’t need to be there when a give way sign would be just as effective – driving 40kmhr through road works or 60kmph in areas that really could safely be 70 or 80kmph and feeling the projections of anger and rage from those behind me. I find this is at time quite challenging and often frustrating but if I find it difficult to obey man’s laws I will find it impossible (at times) to obey all of God’s Laws which are not negotiable).

6.       To be humble all of the time you will have the ability to be your injured self all the times without being conscious of yourself very much at all (no self-judgement or self-consciousness).

I notice that I still constantly monitor myself based upon who I am with – I am much more my injured self with some people (mostly others on the path who do not judge my injured self as much).

7.       To be humble all of the time we will feel everything as we feel it – our emotions are written on our faces and we allow the complete reflection of our true/injured self in every situation. We will be who we truly are and will be less defensive about what we are feeling.

I am getting better at this but still do not allow the full expression of the emotion for fear of judgement.  I don’t often remove myself from others and allow the emotion to be fully expressed as it surfaces (fear of judgement). I then have to re-access the emotion at a later date – if I remember what it was. I often judge the emotion and myself rather than allow the full expression of it – but I am getting better at this. I am noticing how confronted people are when they turn up at my house and I am feeling into stuff  – mostly they immediately want to make me feel better (so they don’t have to feel their stuff). Or when I am out and emotions surface people want to avoid me and I can often feel their projections of ‘what’s the matter with her?’

8.       When you are humble you will always talk about truth and love and act in harmony with truth and love – not in defence of self but in honour of truth and love. You will not be concerned about the judgement of others and will honour God’s Love and Truth above yourself even if you are afraid. Humility allows you to focus on saying the truth in harmony with love and you will examine yourself first against the general principles of Love and Truth.

I love talking about God’s Truth and Love – the problem is that very few people want to engage a conversation about God’s Truth and Love.  I guess fear is the reason why.  Fear is the reason why I do not always engage a discussion about Truth and Love preferring instead to say nothing.  I am noticing that once the basic pleasantries are out of the way conversation lulls – it gets boring as people want me to pander to their addictions.  I am beginning to challenge myself more to speak the truth about what I am feeling in an interaction regardless of the consequences and to do this I must push through fear.  I must learn to feel myself first and let go of the intellect and trust my feelings. Too often still I pander to my fear – I allow it to control me and this has to stop.

9.       When you are humble you will treat yourself the same as others. “The only reason that you would modify yourself in company is because you are so afraid of somebody else treating you badly as a result of you being who you are or you have a lot of self-judgement about being who you are and both of these positions are positions of arrogance actually, not humility” (29.39min)

I still struggle with this and often put others before myself – my challenge is to learn to love and honour myself as God loves and honours me – the same as everyone else. I also need to let go of self-judgement and learn to acknowledge and accept my injured self.

10.   When others treat me unlovingly I will always look at myself first – what is the error in me that allowed this person to harm me?

I feel that I am getting better at this one – I find that less and less I am blaming another for their unloving treatment of me but rather looking at what in me allowed this interaction to occur.  It is tough.

11.   Humility is honouring God’s Laws and gifts.  Humility has no need to compete.  It recognizes that we all have unique gifts and talents and that God has created a universe which allows each and every one of Her children to shine and revel in our passions and desires.

I so wish that the world would get this – there is no need for competition. When I honour God’s Laws and God’s gifts I will have everything that I will ever need.  One of God’s Laws and gifts that I am struggling with at the moment is insects – God created all creation to be of benefit to humanity – including those pesky insects that I find so annoying, so what is the injury in me that allows me to kill God’s creation without remorse?

12.    When you are humble you will only examine yourself through God’s eyes.  You will know that you are allowed to be who you are and won’t worry about what anyone else thinks even when you know they feel badly about you.

This point will happen when we are at-one with God – it is a slow process and one that will be achieved through persistence, patience and the exercise of my own will.  I need to let go of judgement of the process being too slow and embrace faith more fully – faith that change is possible, that I can become at-one with God while still on earth.

13.   To enter into a relationship with God and to receive Truths from God you have got to be in a very humble place emotionally.  It is our interactions with God that are a true test of humility. Humility is the cornerstone of my relationship with God and we must exercise our will in order to exercise true humility.

This point raises the question – how much do I want a relationship with God? Is my relationship with God the most important thing in my life? Truthfully I would have to say no – I still too often put my relationship with my soulmate before my relationship with God.  The problem with this is that this soulmate relationship is still very addictive and this actually keeps me away from God.  But I want the security that this relationship brings and I am not yet willing to trust God enough to know that He will provide for me even better than my soulmate can.  In this I am avoiding a lot of personal responsibility and I am not loving myself very much – I love my mate more – I want to nurture and care for him.  This is really very arrogant as in doing this I am denying him his relationship with God – wow!!! What does this mean now?  Where do I go from here? When will I learn to trust that when I focus on God first all else will be added to me?

14.   God existed before me therefore God must know more than me.  We must be humble in order to learn from God. “Humility opens my soul enough for me to hear God.  Without humility we cannot hear God …to hear God we must be in a very, very humble place … I am going to hear God through my feelings …humility is all about emotions therefore I must be in an emotionally humble place … so I can hear God’s feeling about every matter… without humility there is no truth … when you are humble you hear with your heart.”

Over the past four years I have had the privilege of hearing God’s truth about me on several occasions – God has shown me why I have certain errors in my soul and how to let these go.  He has shown me what I need to focus on and what I need to feel but I need to allow myself to be truly humble to my emotions for this to occur. I wish I could hear God more often – obviously I am not humble enough yet – there is much pride, arrogance, fear and anger that I need to let go of in order to become truly humble.

15.   Humility is the doorway to Divine Truth. Divine Truth is the doorway to Divine Love.  God is constantly trying to get us into humility.  God loves everything about you, if you are truly humble you will let God tell you about you.  The best course of action is humility – humility needs to be the first course of action.  Learn from every experience.  When we are truly humble we will never try to manage our emotions ever again.

God speaks to us through the Law of Attraction – everything that happens to me is a result of God’s Law of Attraction showing me where I am at with my relationship with God.  I love that God has made it so simple for us to monitor our progress but I am still so bound up in fear to even notice what God is telling me most of the time. I pray that I will be able to stop honouring fear and trust in God’s Love and Truth in every moment.

16.   “God has this beautiful ideal of our potential, the thing that He created us to be and what we are so bound up in is our own impressions of ourselves that while we are so bound up in these impressions it is impossible for us to ever be what God created us to be.  To be what God created us to be we have got to throw out what our current perceptions of ourselves currently is and we have got to allow God, through this relationship, to show us what we truthfully are.” (49.00min)

There is still so much arrogance for me to work through beginning with the arrogant stand that I have had that I am not arrogant – such a furphy from God’s perspective.  If I am not truly humble as Jesus teaches us to be humble then I am in arrogance.  Arrogance prevents humility. WOW! There is much here for me to feel.

17.   The two steps to Humility

·       Learn to become as the child was in humility – no judgement, ridicule or criticism – of self or others. Go back to the time and place when I was a child.  This needs to be a positive choice.  Go back to the little child (innocent, trusting, full of wonder and joy, vulnerable and open).

·       Become an everlasting student of everything and allow every feeling and truth that God has to enter you.  Allow your soul to perpetually grow and expand.  Become like a sponge – absorb everything that God want to teach you.  Expand our ability to absorb more of God’s Truth and Love.  The childlike state causes God-reliance.  We need to have a child-like humility to grow beyond the 6^th sphere.

Forgiveness

As I continue to work my way through the errors in my soul I find that I continually stumble at understanding forgiveness - especially forgiveness of myself for all the hurt I have caused through acting out in my fears and errors.  I am eternally grateful for the patience and love of my Celestial guides who wait patiently for me to be ready to hear what they want to teach me.  Recently one of my guides, Peter shared this with me on forgiveness.  I hope it is of benefit to you also.

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True forgiveness is allowing God’s Love to wash over you and replace the hurt that you hold inside about the event that caused you pain.

True forgiveness is unconditional love and compassion.

True forgiveness holds no memory of pain.

True forgiveness is love.

True forgiveness can only be achieved when we allow ourselves to feel the full extent of our pain and let it go.

True forgiveness replaces every negative thought or feeling that we have about that event with truth and love.

True forgiveness brings a deep and lasting peace that can never be shattered.

With true forgiveness only love remains.

You need to be willing to accept forgiveness as well as to forgive.  God has already forgiven you – now it is up to you to forgive yourself. There is nothing that God cannot forgive.  He has already forgiven.  Let go of self-punishment and trust this.

Question: how do I let go of self-punishment?

Write this down repeatedly:

God loves me.  God has already forgiven me. I am loved. I am forgiven. Now I forgive myself. Now I can learn to love myself.

God loves me.  God has already forgiven me. I am loved. I am forgiven. Now I forgive myself. Now I can learn to love myself.

God loves me.  God has already forgiven me. I am loved. I am forgiven. Now I forgive myself. Now I can learn to love myself.

God loves me.  God has already forgiven me. I am loved. I am forgiven. Now I forgive myself. Now I can learn to love myself. I AM LOVED. I AM FORGIVEN.

………………………………………………………………..

I am very grateful to Peter for his guidance and am continuing to work through this – but my resistance has been strong and progress has been slow.  I am eternally grateful for God’s patience and guidance and for the assistance of my guides. I pray that this post will be of assistance to you also.

With much love

Linda

Connecting to Mother God and Facing Personal Truth

For most of my life I have struggled to connect with Mother God.  I was taught that God was a wrathful, vengeful male who would exact punishment for my every wrongdoing. God is my Father.  Not until I was in my forties did I consider that God could also be my Mother.  And this brought up a lot of confusion and guilt for me.  Would I be struck down for daring to consider that there was a Feminine nature to God?  After all, the Catholic Church has promoted a very masculine and powerful God and this seemed to be supported by teachings in the Bible. Who was I then, to even consider challenging this concept?

Then I met AJ Miller, a man claiming to be Jesus of the first century.  And I began to question everything I thought I knew about God.  The bible teaches us that God created Man in His image.  If this is a truth and God created both male and female, would it not then stand to reason that God must also have both masculine and feminine qualities?  Could it be that God is both my Mother and my Father? 

If I allow myself to feel God’s truth on this matter I can see that there are distinct differences between the masculine and feminine qualities of Mankind.  Surely then this would indicate that God, the Supreme Creator of all that is, would also have distinct masculine and feminine qualities? If not how would He know what the feminine was?

I feel that this is the truth but I struggle to connect to my Mother God.  Why is this?   

In an attempt to connect more fully with my Mother God I have again listened to the talk on “Emotions and the Mother Taboo” . At around 51mins into the talk AJ shared this statement “When you suppress anger what finishes up happening is called resentment … if you are a woman suppressing anger towards mother you’re going to end up resenting yourself as a woman as well as resenting your mother.  It is the same if you are a man suppressing your anger towards your father.” And I had to accept the truth that I do indeed resent myself as a woman. I do not yet know how to love myself as a woman, warts and all.

Unless I am willing to face the truth of these emotions in my soul I will never be able to fully connect to my Mother God. I have been praying about this a lot lately and finally found the courage to write honestly about how I feel about the feminine.  It has taken me three and a half years to get to this point (I’m a bit stubborn and a low learner)! This is an exercise I would encourage everyone to do – both towards the feminine and the masculine.  I will not share the list with you here as it is long – a couple of pages – but I will share how I came up with the list. 

After praying to God to show me the truth about how I feel about the feminine I wrote whatever came to mind about women – every woman I have ever had a negative encounter with – my mother, teachers, nuns, acquaintances, friends, sisters, colleagues, shop assistants – and rolled them all into one ‘she’.  I included everything I could remember from when I felt hurt or betrayed by a woman (and I’m sure there are more still to be included).  This has been a very cathartic experience and has brought up a lot of anger, rage and grief for me to feel into. As I was feeling into some aspects of my ‘list’ I began to realize that I myself have some of these traits that have caused me so much pain and that I too have inflicted pain upon others because of these unhealed errors in my soul – more grief, remorse and shame flowed!  Unfortunately the objects of this pain has all too often been our children.  I asked God these questions - How could I do this to them?  Why did I do this to them?

And this is what I realized about myself:

I didn’t want to feel powerless. I wanted to feel in control.

I wanted to be respected – not brushed aside.

I wanted to be listened to – not ignored.

I didn’t want to feel how out of control my life felt – how powerless I felt.  I wanted to feel powerful.

I wanted to be noticed – not ignored.

At times I allowed anger to take control. I didn’t care about the children in these instances, about how they felt – I only wanted to avoid my pain.  I was like the devil incarnated.  I wanted to punish them for my weaknesses and fears.  I didn’t even care or think about how my rage would affect them – I just wanted some sort of control in a life that I felt I had no control over.

I wanted respect but went about gaining it the wrong way – no one ever respects a person who threatens and uses violence to get what they want.  Only fear responds in a façade of respect.  This is NOT Love!  I used a weapon against my own children – how could this possibly be love?  It is NOT.  It is REVENGE!!! I wanted revenge on my parents and on the priests and nuns and teachers who instilled fear in me but they were out of my reach so I took out my revenge upon my own children – innocent souls entrusted to me by God and I abused that trust because I wanted to avoid feeling powerless.  I wanted to avoid feeling unloved.

So much shame, remorse and grief needed to be experienced in order to even receive these truths from my guides and I am grateful for their assistance.  I pray that my children can forgive me.  I pray that I can learn to forgive myself.  I am struggling with this. As I worked my way through this one of my guides – Peter taught me about forgiveness.  I will post his message in the next couple of days as this is already a long post.

My prayer is that we will all have the courage and the willingness to begin this process of healing through Truth and Love.  It takes courage, determination, persistence, faith and humility and I often find myself resisting the process.  Prayer is the only way through it. Humility is what I struggle with most.  I have found that I have been under a lot of spirit attack (mostly on my physical body – cuts, burns, rashes, tinea, pain on my left side) since I began this earnest quest to know God’s Truth about the feminine – about my real self – in order to connect more fully with my Mother God. But I know that with God’s Love and guidance I will get through it.  I will one day know and understand the feminine aspects of God - my Mother God…. One day!

I wish you well on your own personal journey towards God and healing.

With love

Linda

How I became a Madman

 I was doing some reflecting recently and found myself once again going to the messages from Judas which were received by Hans Radix in 2002.  One of my favourites is the message on Faith, Knowledge, Understanding and Trust - January 30^th 2002.  In this message Hans quotes a poem from Kahlil Gibran – How I became a Madman.  As I reflected upon the words in this poem I began to see many parallels with walking the Way to God. Here are my reflections on this great work.

First – The Complete Poem.

HOW I BECAME A MADMAN

You ask me how I became a madman. It happened thus: One day, long before many gods were born, I woke from a deep sleep and found all my masks were stolen,-the seven masks I have fashioned an worn in seven lives,-I ran maskless through the crowded streets shouting, “Thieves, thieves, the cursed thieves.”

Men and women laughed at me and some ran to their houses in fear of me.

And when I reached the market place, a youth standing on a house-top cried, “He is a madman.” I looked up to behold him; the sun kissed my own naked face for the first time. For the first time the sun kissed my own naked face and my soul was inflamed with love for the sun, and I wanted my masks no more. And as if in a trance I cried, “Blessed, blessed are the thieves who stole my masks.”

Thus I became a madman.

And I have found both freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us.

But let me not be too proud of my safety. Even a Thief in a jail is safe from another thief.

………………

How it fits with Walking the Way to God – my interpretations.

You ask me how I became a madman (how I came to look at the world differently and how I began to be seen as ‘mad’ by those with a mind closed to truth).  It happened thus: One day, long before many gods were born (before the world placed many interpretations upon God) I woke from a deep sleep (from a life that I was living unconsciously) and found that all of my masks were stolen ( my masks are the façades that I had created in order to cover over my injured self), - the seven masks that I had fashioned and worn in seven lives (the different ways I present myself to the world according to who I am with and what side of me I want to present – partner, children, family, friends, work colleagues, church or religious associates, strangers) – I ran maskless through the crowded streets (revealing my real self for the first time to everyone around me) shouting “thieves, thieves, the cursed thieves” (afraid and exposed I want to blame others for the flaws which are now revealed for all to see).

Men and women laughed at me and some ran into their houses in fear of me (they could not understand how someone could be so exposed and allow themselves to be seen as they truly are.  They laughed at what they themselves are afraid of in order to cover their fear, and hid more carefully behind their façade masks).

And when I reached the market place, a youth standing on a house top cried, “He is a Madman” (people don’t want to be confronted by error and imperfection and generally consider those brave enough to begin to ‘tear away their masks’ to be mad.  They don’t understand courage and prefer the safety of the herd mentality where it is easy to remain hidden amongst those who are the same as they are). I looked up to behold him; and the sun kissed my naked face for the first time (it is only when I am willing to drop my façade and expose the nakedness of my soul, with all of its blemishes and imperfections, that the love of God can kiss my soul). For the first time the sun kissed my own naked face and my soul was inflamed with love for the sun and I wanted my masks no more (the Love of God is so powerful, so magical, that when I dare to drop the façade and expose all of my flaws and open up my soul to God’s Love and Grace; only then, can I not imagine a life without God’s Love.  It is like a drug and I constantly seek to have more of it – this healing Love that helps me to see and know the real me).  And as if in a trance I cried, “Blessed, blessed are the thieves who stole my masks” (because now I realize that it is my masks, my façade that prevents me from knowing God and feeling Her Love embrace my bare soul).

Thus I became a madman (no longer a part of the herd mentality but willing to learn to be my real, authentic, unique self – the self that God created).

And I have found both freedom and safety in my madness (the freedom to be myself and safety in God’s loving embrace); the freedom of the loneliness (happy and content to be by myself with God) and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us (understanding implies that from this point onwards I will remain the same; but my goal is to continually expand and grow, to change and discover new aspects of myself and God’s universe. I don’t want to be understood so much as to be known for who I truly am and I want to know you too).

But let me not be too proud of my safety.  Even a Thief in jail is safe from another thief (pride is the opposite of humility and humility is what is needed if I am to walk maskless in this world. I want to get to that point in my progression towards Love and Truth where, like Judas, I can say “now for me it is no longer a question of believing or not believing, now I simply know. I have felt the sunbeams of God’s Love on the naked skin of my soul.”(page 137)).

…………………

So now the questions I must continually ask myself is “Why do I still cling so tightly to my masks as if I am guarding them with my very life?  What is preventing me from completely stripping off my masks and allowing God’s Love to kiss the nakedness of my bare soul, to hold it (me) firmly in Her Loving Embrace? How can I overcome the barriers that prevent me from stepping into full Humility, Love and Truth?

Please God, show me the Way Home.

(If you would like a copy of the full message referred to above or a complete copy of the Judas Messages please email me and I will forward it to you – munjolin@bigpond.com)

Learning to Let Love in.

I have been struggling with loving myself most of my life.  It is as if there is a deep self-loathing that I don’t yet fully understand and I am finding it difficult to work my way through this emotionally.  I received a clue to this recently when I re-listened to the Divine Truth Talk on Emotions and the Mother Taboo (www.divinetruth.com - June 26^th 2010 – also on the Divine Truth YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8VzVIYHpOE&list=PLF04C988375DCDF23&index=47 ). At around 51mins into the talk AJ shared this statement When you suppress anger what finishes up happening is called resentment … if you are a woman suppressing anger towards mother you’re going to end up resenting yourself as a woman as well as resenting your mother.  It is the same if you are a man suppressing your anger towards your father.

I know I have a lot of repressed anger in my soul.  My body has been telling me this for years – acne, thrush, tinea – these are all ‘angry’ conditions in the body characterized by inflammation and I have had them all.  But it is difficult to access or work through anger fully when you have a deep fear of anger.  It is not so much the underlying fear that I am afraid of (although it could be) but more a fear of the anger itself that I need to access in order to get to the deeper cause of the dis-ease in my soul. 

I hate anger! 

I hate receiving it. 

I hate expressing it! 

Anger terrifies me and I have a lot of judgements about it all of which are born from my childhood (as are most of the errors in our souls).  But if I am ever to heal the errors in my soul, and therefore my body, I need to let go of the judgements that I have about anger and allow my soul to express all of the anger which has been pent up for most of my life.  This is a huge challenge for me and is blocking me from accessing the deeper grief within my soul which is preventing my connection with God from growing.  I have been praying about this a lot lately.

Recently when I was working through some emotions I had a bit of a revelation.

God loves me.

God loves me despite my faults and errors. 

God loves ME despite my unloving thoughts, feelings and actions. 

God loves ME despite my imperfection. 

God loves me even though I am fat and often feel stupid and inadequate. 

God has always loved me.

And God does not make mistakes.  Ever.  So if God loves me and I have felt this love and know it is real, and if God does not make mistakes; that means that I must be loveable. This is God’s Truth.  I am supremely loveable as I currently am.  I do not need to be slim, fit, young, smart and beautiful to be loveable.  God loves me as I currently am.  I am one of the greatest of God’s creation, the most wonderful of His handiworks and the object of Her great love and tenderest care.

God loves me as I currently am therefore I must be loveable as I currently am.  I don’t need to be anyone other than myself to be loveable. I have repeated this a lot here because I still don’t get this emotionally – at a soul level.  I understand this intellectually but I struggle to ‘get it’ at the soul level. 

I have spent much of my life modifying myself in order to please others.  Searching for love any way I can.  What I didn’t understand was that God loves me exactly as I am.  God created me as a perfect human being, a perfect half of a soul and I don’t need to be anything other than myself. 

The problem is that for most of my childhood being myself didn’t seem to be acceptable.  I was taught ‘to be a good girl’; ‘to behave myself’; ‘to not do this or that’.  It seemed that I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.  I was moulded to ‘fit’ the accepted norm at the time.  And I didn’t understand this connection that God wants with all of Her children; that God craves from all of His children. The Catholic Church doesn’t teach about a personal relationship with God.  It taught me that I need a priest in order to have a relationship with God.  That I must obey its laws – most of which are not in harmony with God’s Laws and are manipulative, controlling and driven by fear, power and control.  This is what I grew up with.

Now I am learning that I do not need anyone else to have a relationship with God; that my relationship with God is personal and unique. And it feels right. My challenge is now to accept the gift of God’s Love and come to believe what God already knows – that as Her daughter I am supremely loveable.  I am a prefect creation of God’s and She does not make mistakes – EVER!  I AM loveable just as I am in this moment.

While a tiny flicker of a light is going on in my soul as this truth begins to take hold the demon I am really struggling with right now is to learn to love myself, to learn to forgive myself for all of the unloving actions I have taken in the past (and there have been many).  Until I can learn to do that – to forgive myself – it will be very difficult to learn to love myself or others.  I need to remind myself of this truth every day.

God loves me exactly as I am in this moment.  She has never stopped loving me.

I have felt God’s Love and I know it is real.  God loves me therefore I am loveable.

This needs to become my daily mantra.  My daily prayer needs to be “Please God, help me to overcome the barriers that prevent me from accepting Your Truth – that I am loveable exactly as I am.”

I still struggle with this but with God’s help and Grace I will eventually allow this truth to sink deep into my soul and become a knowing, a reality.  When I can do this I will be able to love others more freely and without expectation.  I will be able to give more of myself.

There is a lot of grief that I need to feel still as to why this is not already a truth in my soul.